All language subtitles for Night Court s07e02 If I Were a Rich Man

What?

You want to sign this?

Yeah.

Ross, are you wearing a new perfume?

No, but I just did a hundred push -ups.
Maybe that's it.

No, it smells like one of those frilly
French perfumes.

That's me, sir.

Matt, is this one of those midlife
things?

Oh, no, sir. You see, uh, Raquan Lee
started selling Bonifay cosmetics, and,

uh... Well, I accidentally spilled a
little bit of the pagan holiday on me.

I guess it's kind of strong, huh?

No worse than your average septic tank.

Mac, you selling cosmetics, huh?

Do you get to drive one of those little
pink cars and let everybody know you're

a Bonifay girl?

Hey, I'm not a Bonifay girl. Quan Lee
is.

Oh, ignore him, Mac.

Bonifay makes a very good product.

Do they still sell no surrender?

No, that's been replaced by Lust
Weekend.

Oh, what the hell happened to you?

Nothing really.

I was just dragged three blocks in the
bumper of a taxi cab.

You know, for an extra couple of bucks,
they let you ride inside.

There he is.

Excuse me, but I'd like to thank you,
Mr., uh... Shannon. Bull Shannon.

Who are you? I'm Jordan King.

Jordan King?

King Towers, King Resorts, King Mining,
estimated fortune of $2 .2 billion.

Let me shake your head.

Mr. King is pleased to meet you, sir.
So, Mr.

King, what brings you to our little
courtroom?

Your friend, Mr. Shannon, saved my life.
Mr. King was crossing the street when a

cab ran alight. Fortunately, in the nick
of time, Mr. Shannon pushed Mr. King to

safety. I can talk, Frank.

Shutting up, sir.

Now, Mr. Shannon.

To show my gratitude, I am prepared to
offer you a rewarding, dynamic job you

never dreamed was possible.

You're going to make me head bailiff?

No, I can't arrange that, but how would
you like to work for me in your spare

time? Oh.

Well, okay.

Excellent. I'll see you Monday.

Frank?

Mr. King, I think it's wonderful that
you would reward a man who saved your

life. Watch out!

Those pencils were so sharp!

Thank God you weren't hurt. Oh! No, no,
no, no. I don't expect anything in

return. Oh, no.

Nonsense. Frank, reward this man.

One free round at any king's goofy golf.

Hi, Ross.

Hey, Quinley.

Ross, how would you like some makeup
that will have men falling at your feet?

No, thanks.

I get enough of that in a drunk tank.

Hello, Mac.

Oh, hi, honey.

What brings you down here?

Oh, I just need the checkbook to pay a
couple of bills.

What bills?

Oh, the usual.

The phone bill, the gas bill, the 15
cases of Bonifay makeup in our living

What?

Max, don't you see? If we sell 15 cases
every month, we could afford the house

of our dreams with white picket fence
and AstroTurf patio.

Well, perhaps I should remind you that
except for the lipstick your aunt bought

out of pity, you haven't sold squat.

Max, I will succeed because I...

I want to make Manhattan smell better.

Have you considered Ariel Spring?

Look, Mac, it says here the key to
success is hosting a makeup party.

So I'm going to have one right here.

Oh, there's nobody here going to buy
makeup.

Trust me, it will work.

Now help me pass out these flyers. Ah,
no, I want nothing to do with this.

Okay, Mr.

Negative.

But if we don't move that makeup, we'll
be out $6 ,000.

Uh, get your bunny fake cosmetics.

Redemonstration next Tuesday.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

I had a busy day with Jordan.

Oh, that's okay, Bull. We don't start
flinging out justice for a couple of

minutes yet.

Bull, what do you do for Jordan? Sniff
his mail.

Well, actually, today we flew down to
Palm Beach for lunch and tennis.

Boy, that Prince of Monaco has a heck of
a forehand.

tennis with the Prince of Monaco?

No, I just stood on the sidelines with
Diane Sawyer.

Oh, my God.

A diamond Rolex?

Oh, Jordan says, what's the point of
making billions if you can't spend it on

your friends?

Paul, I want to be Jordan's friend, too.

Sorry, Dan, but it's my job to keep
scummy lowlifes like you away from Mr.

Sure, fine.

You're in good with Mr. King, so who
cares about Dan Fielding, right?

Yep.

Wow, Bull, neat.

You spent the day in Palm Beach?

Well, not all day.

This afternoon, Jordan, me, and a
surveyor check out some swamps in New

What were you doing visiting a swamp?

I don't know.

Jordan's trying to put together some
secret big deal billionaire thing.

Well, Bull, if it's a secret, do you
really think you should be telling us

it?

Seat.

We drove for about two hours down
Highway 1 to the spot that was nothing

garbage and swamp.

What exit?

All about a mile east of the Carmichael
exit. Why?

Huh? No, no, Bull, I didn't say
anything.

You don't think anyone heard me, do you?

Hey, baby, go get yourself some floss.

Well, is that good? Well, yeah, yeah,
yeah.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Dan, what are you
being insufferable about now?

Well, I happen to be the owner of five
acres of prime New Jersey swampland that

might interest one Jordan King.

How do you know that?

A little birdie told me.

Dan, you heard that from Bull.

All right, a huge ball condor told me.

information. Don't you have any
scruples?

You've known me for six years. You can
ask me that question.

Okay, Jackie, let's rack them and break
them. Yes, sir.

People versus Williams.

I'm guessing that these guys are not
longshoremen?

The plaintiffs work at the Gilded Grotto
nightclub where they take part in a

female impersonator show.

Hey,

hey, hey, pal.

I knew a Judy Garland would have you
down on your knees.

Over a toilet, maybe.

Mr. Prosecutor.

Well, it seems that before the early
show, Mr. Williams broke into the club,

started trashing their dressing room and
the costumes of the Hardley boys.

Your Honor, my client feels he was
provoked by the mere presence of the

his neighborhood.

They are an abomination.

They are disgusting perverts. Hey, hey.

This is America, pal.

And I got the inalienable right to make
my living dressed as a broad if I want

to. You tell him, Arnie. Mr.

Williams' court finds you guilty. You're
going to have to pay damages, a $100

fine, and time served.

Uh, what about our costumes? The cops
took them as evidence. We still got a

to do tonight.

It's a salute to Funny Girl.

You guys do Funny Girl?

Right, I guess you'd have to, wouldn't
you?

Bull, give the fellows a hand finding
their costumes and wigs, okay?

Does your mother know you're doing this?

Okay, hey, listen, the whole building
knows about your party tonight. I hope

you're ready to start pushing that
blush.

Mac, I don't think I'll be able to.

You've got $6 ,000 riding on this.

I think I'm going to be sick.

What? Hey, no, no, no. Look, it's just
nerves now. Just say I'm not sick. I'm

not sick.

I'm Jordan King's assistant.

Oh, yeah.

I've been expecting you.

Mr. King would like you to come meet
with him this evening.

Oh, well, you tell your boss if he wants
to do business with Dan Fielding.

He comes to me at my convenience.

9 .15 in his office. I'll be there.

I'm going to be rich.

I'm going to be disgustingly,
obnoxiously rich.

Good to know money won't change you.

Yeah, okay, listen, Armando, let's go
with the white stretch limo, okay? But

forget the hot tub. I want the red
leather interior, though.

The wet bar, the VCR.

Hey, what the hell?

Let's go with the hot tub.

Right, okay, thanks.

Dan, you think maybe you've gone a bit
overboard on this Jordan King business?

Harry Kent, you see, look at, I mean, I
was meant to be rich.

Look at the way these suits hang on me,
would you?

And look at this profile, for God's
sake.

Yeah, you know, when you're rich, you
can get that fixed.

And I will.

But first, I've got to play this just
right.

Because, you see, if I ask King for too
little, I'll be blowing the opportunity

of a lifetime. But if I ask for too
much, he'll think I don't know what I'm

doing. That's why I'm going to open the
bidding at $20 million.

$20 million?

You're right. Too much. You're right.
$10 million. No, no, no. Round numbers

bad. $7 .5.

No, no. Then he'll think I'm trying to
avoid a round number.

Dan, here's a wacky idea.

Why don't you ask him for fair market
value?

Eric, you know I envy people like you.
Guys who are satisfied with their little

five -figure salaries, but...

It's just not that easy for guys like me
who hear the call to greatness.

All right, Dan. But I'm warning you, you
keep this up and you're going to end up

with no friends in the world. You're
going to be surrounded by leeching

sycophants who only like you for your
money.

Gives me goosebumps just thinking about
it.

Okay, Doc. Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Bye.

Hey, Mac. How's Kwame Lee doing?

Pretty bad.

I told her not to buy oysters from a
street vendor.

Now, what am I supposed to do about that
party?

Looks like we got ourselves a big Harry
Bonny Fay girl.

Uh -uh. No way I'm hosting that thing.

Oh, come on, Mac.

No one's going to laugh at you just
because you're demonstrating cosmetics

women.

Oh, don't worry, Mac.

All you have to do is read Kwan Lee's
presentation.

Well, I don't know. Oh, trust me. You
won't embarrass yourself.

What is beauty?

A butterfly, a hummingbird, it always
flies away. But you can bring it home to

roost with the help of Bunny Faye.

After this, he might have to go into one
of those witness relocation programs.

Now, just for attending, Bunny Faye
would like to give you a complimentary

keychain for that special man or men in

your life.

Ross, would you pass these out for me,
please?

You bet.

I'd like to begin by showing you our new
line of Summer's Blossom Eye Makeup.

Now, how many of you hated when your
eyeshadow kicked at the ridges? I know I

do.

Well, that is, that is, I know how much
my wife hates it.

Juan Lee and I have been married a long
time.

We've got a little daughter.

We could have a lot more if we wanted
to.

If he starts bragging about his sperm
count, I'm out of here.

Mr.

King will be with you in just a second.
Okay, here you go. A little something

for your Trump...

I paid $2 .4 million for it last week.

Can I get you a drink?

Oh, no.

You know what?

I've been reading a lot about you
lately.

Oh, yeah?

Nothing good, I hope.

Have a seat.

Oh, thanks.

Very beautiful couch.

You tell Mr.

Simons that we have nothing more to
discuss.

That guy Simons thinks just because I'm
Jordan King, he can hold me up for more

than he deserves.

No. Yes.

So sometimes, Dan, I have to make an
example of one of these guys.

Show him that if you're going to play
hardball with Jordan King, you better

your cup.

You all right? Oh, yeah.

You know what? If I could, maybe I'll
have some water.

Fielding, what type of real estate do
you prefer to invest in?

Commercial? Industrial?

Well, you know, actually, myself, I like
to dabble. A little of this, a little

of that.

All right, Fielding. We both know why
we're here.

I want that New Jersey property. I'm
going to make a check out for it right

What do you want for it?

Cake.

Fair enough.

Well, I've thought it over.

that I cannot accept a penny less
than... I'll

give you a million and a half dollars.

No. Did I say no?

Yes, you did. And I meant it.

All right.

Two million dollars.

You know, I really had my heart set on
building a summer place out there. I

like it's a swamp. I'll use stilts.

Okay, Dan.

This. is my final offer.

Three million dollars?

I trust you can show yourself out?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

Yeah, I'm gone. I'm history. I'm a
ghost. I'm in the elevator.

I'm down on the street. I'm having
sushi. You're still here.

Yeah, you know, Jordan, this is a lot of
money, but I don't think it would pay

for the speed bumps in the New Jersey
project.

So what do you say you and I stop
fooling around and we start talking

real money?

All right, Fielding, you win.

I do?

Yep. Whoa, I don't know what to say.

I feel strange. I feel numb. I feel...
After

years of sucking up and

struggling, it is now...

You don't think I'm gloating, do you?

No, no, not at all.

I really wanted to develop that
property, Fielding, but... Well, now I

I'll have to go with my alternate plan.

Alternate plan? Yes.

The Delaware Project.

Oh, no!

Oh, wait.

Jordy, babe, look at us. We're picking
over pennies.

Three mil it is. Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

That offers ancient history. But it was
just a minute ago. Okay, okay, fine.

Two mil.

All right, fine, fine, fine. One mil.

Okay, just let me keep the base.

Just... I'm... I'm leveraged to the
hills here.

And now you don't want to buy my swamp?

I've ruined... You know something,
Fielding?

You're... a fighter. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I respect that.

And to show you that I'm a decent guy,
I'm going to take that worthless

off your hands.

Okay. All right. But, of course, um,
I'll have to have a number that

me at least a reasonable profit. You'll
take what I give you and consider

yourself lucky. Yes, I will take you.

Here.

Here's your dress, this fella.

Mocked, dark, and faulty.

It's about time.

Would have had them sooner, but
apparently the guy down in evidence has

hobby as you.

Just a little bit to extend the eye, and
voila, a dramatic new you.

You have to admit it, Mac, you're
getting much better.

So, ladies, who wants to be first to buy
a Bunny Faye makeup kit?

I am not buying anything that makes me
look like a hooker. Hey, I resent that.

Ladies, come back. Look, you forgot your
keychains. Oh, now how

in the hell am I going to get rid of all
this junk?

There's a phone. I'll call the theater.

What's wrong, fellas?

They destroyed all our makeup. We can't
go on stage looking like this.

So, Dan, how'd it go with Jordan King?

Well, Harry, he's a tough cookie, but I
made sure he'll never forget the name

Dan Fielding. He took you to the
cleaners, huh?

Yes.

How bad was it?

$9 ,000?

That's pretty good for a piece of swamp
land.

What'd you pay for it?

Cost a couple of bucks. Someday you're
going to look back on this.

No, don't look back on this.

Hey, Matt. Yeah. I'm real sorry about
laughing at you earlier.

Oh, hey, it's okay. No, that's something
I never like to do.

Unless, of course, I'm out of earshot.

Ernie, look, don't worry about it. It
was nothing that selling 12 cases of

makeup couldn't fix.

No! Oh, yeah!

You sold us! Oh, I bet Miss Bonnie Faye
is going to be awfully proud of you.

Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Well, Judge, I got to run.

But any time you want to see the show,
you just let me know.

Thanks. My taste in impersonators tends
to lean more towards... Rich Little.

You'll change your tune when you see
Charlie in evening wear. By the way,

is Charlie?

Hey, watch it, butthead.

Come on, fellas, let's get out of here.

You ever have one of those days?