Original subtitles

Hi, Mac.

Sit up, Mac.

Can't get one past you, huh, sir?

What you doing, Dan?

Oh, just putting it out on one of those computer bulletin boards.

Need help with divorce or landlord disputes?

Like to party with paper mache?

Call this number and ask for Rinaldo.

I'm just trying to give a little free legal advice. Forgive me for caring.

Well, these legal advice seekers happen to be wanton, sex -crazed women, Dan?

Well, if they aren't, Rinaldo's going to be very disappointed.

Hey, what the hell are you doing on my computer?

Mac, relax.

No, no, I was doing a paper for my creative writing class.

Hey.

Where's my file? You novices are all the same. Where's my file? Where's my file?

Uh -oh.

Hey, it's got to be in here somewhere.

What's the name of the file, Mac? Huh?

Look, never mind. I'll find it myself.

No, this is important. It's for your college class. What's the name of the

My dog, Sparky.

Sparky?

You heard me.

Sparky. Sparky, yeah, yeah. That's with a Y, isn't it?

Okay, I, uh... Oh, I think I see the problem.

What? It's gone.

You can't find it?

Nope. Dan must have lost it in the system.

Oh, boy, I'd like to help. Session's about to start, though. I'd better

Dan, you have destroyed five hours of typing by a very strong man who hasn't

slept in three days.

Now you're going to help me find that file, aren't you?

Oh, what the hell, why not?

Don't worry, Mac. Your file's still in here somewhere. It just got sent to

another directory in the system.

Harry, it's got my name on it. I don't want the guys down in Homicide reading

about Sparky.

Listen, this course of yours, you and your classmates have nap time.

Look, it's a college course, and we were assigned to write a paper from a

child's point of view.

I found it. Yes, all right, Harry, you magnificent computer nerd, you. All

right, hey, you saved me.

Well... When you want a job done right, you go to a master.

Okay.

Let's print this baby up.

Once upon a time.

Harry, I know it was longer than this.

Mac, it's a big deal. You write another paper. Once upon a time, my dog ran

away, hit by a semi -puppy pancake, so I cried the end.

Can I talk to you, Anna?

Sure, Art. You've got to make it quick, though.

Well, it's an important matter of a very personal nature.

Keep the drill in the toolbox and buy some Q -tips.

Okay, Art. Come on. We can talk in my office. No, Harry. Don't leave me.

Mac, I got you started. Go ahead. Come on. Have fun.

Oh, yeah. You bet we will. A couple of guys huddled around a computer.

Oh, I'm having fun already.

Whee!

Okay, Art.

Lay it on me.

What's your problem?

It's about my lodge, Your Honor. You see, our annual buffalo banquet is

up. Don't tell me it's their bison -tenio.

So, your problem has something to do with the banquet.

Yeah, you see, everybody else is bringing their significant others. And,

I'm a single guy and... You're having trouble finding a date.

How did you guess?

Vibes. Simpatico.

Amazingly obvious. Call it what you will.

So, what can I do for you, Art?

Well, you see, sir, I'm coming to you because there are very few guys around

who've had the experience with ladies that you've had. Oh, Art, I haven't been

that successful.

That's what I'm talking about.

You know all about rejection.

Thanks for noticing.

You know, just one time, Irana. I would love to take another woman to this

affair other than my mother.

Hey, not that Mom's not a good time or anything.

I mean, the guys down at the lodge, they still get a charge out of her when she

pulls a bottom lip over her nose.

So, you're thinking about dating outside the family.

It's a bold move, Hart.

Well, you know, it's not that easy to find girls, Your Honor. And let's face

I ain't no Bert Convey.

Well, but then who is, really?

Amen.

You know, I don't know what it is, Your Honor. I just can't talk to the babes.

Well, you know, the trick there, Art, is you gotta find something to talk about

that you have in common.

You mean like plumbing?

I'd save any discussion of snaking out drains until the second date. Let me

write something to start, sir.

And you might want to pay more attention to your appearance.

Really? In what respect?

Lose the hat.

Wash hair.

Good start.

Gee, sir, I just hope she's worth all this trouble.

Look, look, look, look, I can fix this for you. The same thing happened to me

college, right?

All I had to do was go to my teacher's house, pour some champagne, and put on a

Streisand record.

Dan, Mrs.

Steinem is 72 years old.

Okay, milk of magnesia and Montevani.

Hey, Matt, there's something wrong with these bail reports.

After his arraignment, Mr. Minkoff was sentenced to jump in my lap and lick my

face until I gave him a doggy treat.

That's my paper!

Dan, whatever you did must have spread my paper through every computer in this

building.

Something wrong with your receipt?

I don't understand all the charges.

Soda, 75 cents, sandwich, 250, and I was haunted by the memory of those big

brown eyes, cold nose, and a pruned Danish.

Hey, hey, Mac, we're still... going to piece this together.

Oh, this is humiliating.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Harry. Oh, oh, oh. What was Art's big personal problem? His shorts riding

up again?

No, Art's having a problem with an affair of El Corazon.

Art's having an affair with a wrestler?

No, Bull. He's having trouble with women.

They came to you for advice?

And why not?

I've often said you own the opposite sex.

I guess he needs a date for some big shindig.

Oh, yeah? Where's Arkin to find a troll with no sense of smell?

Dan, you are so shallow.

It so happens that women think differently about these things.

You take a little more than flash in a nice set of buns.

Speak for yourself.

I mean it.

We look deeper than that.

And you'd be surprised at the beauty you can find in the most unlikely packages.

Christine, would you go to the Buffalo banquet with me tomorrow night?

You were saying?

Art, um, can we discuss this in private?

Excuse me.

He shouldn't stare.

What, miss watching a squirm?

What is a Buffalo Banquet?

Like this, I should explain.

It's my lodge. We're having a very fancy to -do.

And, uh, I was wondering, would you grace my presence with yourself?

Oh.

Well.

Gee.

I know it's short notice, so you don't have to do anything fancy with your

That'll do.

Art, this is such a surprise.

But I'm sorry, I can't.

Oh.

No, it's, uh, I have to work tomorrow night.

Well, I just thought I'd ask.

Thanks for not cringing.

All right, I know what you're thinking.

Hey, you had a good reason for not going.

I did.

After all, your job comes first.

Yes, it does.

And it's not as if he hasn't heard the word no before.

Oh, sure, sure.

Besides, he can always go with his mom, like he's done every other year.

Oh, come on. I'm sure he's asked out other girls before.

Oh, he's asked, but they've always found some reason not to go.

But that's not really your problem, is it?

Look, they turned down the Woolrich Hotel.

No kidding. I stayed there once. Did you?

All right, I'll go.

So, Christine, I hope you like your cassage.

Oh, oh, it's very nice.

I can't wait to get home and plant it.

Arnold Arts!

Hey, hey!

Hi,

everybody. Hi, Joyce. Hi, Nick. And I don't believe we've met.

Christine Sullivan?

Nick Costanza.

Charmed. Whoa, all right, nice. She makes Miss October look like a hog.

Listen, I love to sit here and chew the fat, but it's time I whip this herd into

shape, huh?

There you go.

That Nick is such a character.

Isn't he, though?

So, Joyce, do you work?

Oh, not me.

I'm a full -time housewife and mother of seven.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I love children.

Oh, well, then you better get started pretty soon.

Tick -tock, tick -tock.

Art's always wanted kids.

Hey, is this thing on?

Welcome, fellow buffaloes, to our annual banquet.

Hey,

how about that dinner, huh?

All right, all right, hold on to your seats. Now it's time for the moment

all been waiting for.

The announcement of the three lucky women who will compete for the sought

title of Buffalo Queen.

Art, what is Buffalo Queen?

Only the most sacred honor as buffaloes can bestow upon a woman of the opposite

sex. The judges select the nominees based on personality, individuality, and

best presumptuous.

And the finalists are... Doris Marlion.

to the stage, huh?

Art,

Art, Art, I don't think I can do this. All aboard, sweet cakes.

Art, no, I can't.

I must be dreaming.

Hey, don't worry. I won't bite. Not with my wife watching.

She also does weddings.

Boy, Christine, she's going to be real tough to beat.

Have you figured out what you're going to do yet?

I have no talent to compare with that art.

Are you sure?

Trust me, all I can do is play a little piano.

Well, that's all you got.

And now, for our final performance of the evening, how about a nice hand for

Christine Sullivan, huh?

Drake and Aiden.

Thank you. Um, I'd like to play a little piece for you I hope you'll all enjoy.

Box two -part invention number three in A minor.

A minor.

Woo!

Mac, come on, come on. What's your beef?

Yeah, the lady down at word processing found your document, right?

Yeah, but did she have to put it on every bulletin board in the entire

Well, I guess she thought my dog, Sparky, was worth sharing.

He gave something from the heart, Mac. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Have you read it?

It's good. Damn good.

All the makings of a classic. A boy, his dog.

Margins who?

Now, everybody in the courthouse knows.

Oh, don't worry about that, Matt. With all the garbage up on these bulletin

boards, you'd have to live a pretty empty life to pay them any notice.

Is everybody's butt as numb as mine?

Seriously, though, with all due respect to the women's movement, are these

contestants hot -looking broads or what, huh?

All right, all right.

All right, what do you say we take a five -minute break, hit the can, recycle

that beer, huh?

Oh, but hurry back. We got the foxy boxing competition coming up, so hang in

that.

The what?

Foxy boxing.

You know, three rounds of jiggle and jab.

That's it.

I'm out of here.

Hey, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

I put up with your sexist jokes. I sung your stupid song. But if you think I'm

going to get up there and duke it out in front of a bunch of gassed up yahoos,

you're grazing in the wrong meadow. You've got something against good, clean

fun. Then why are you here in the first place? Because I was guilted into it. I

didn't want to be here, but I felt sorry for somebody.

Art, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I'm sorry.

What I meant to say was... Look, Christine, I gotta go.

I think I got a bad piece of langostino.

So why don't you catch a cab home, all right?

Art, wait!

All you outdid yourselves tonight, Art.

Smooth move, X -Rax.

That went up.

What could I have been thinking about?

I should have just taken Mom.

But no, I'd take Christine and give her a night of living hell.

That's not true, Art.

Christine, what are you doing here at this hour?

I was just about to ask you the same thing.

Uh, well, uh, yeah, I hired this new kid to help me with the buffing, and I just

wanted to make sure there weren't any dull spots.

Art, these floors are so shiny, a person can see them.

These floors are definitely shiny.

Why don't you go home, Art?

I'm all wound up, and this helps calm me down.

Some people bowl, some people buff.

Watch your feet.

Art.

I'm very sorry about what happened tonight.

Oh, what, that? Forget about it. Hey, look.

Why would a classy lady like you want to be seen with a toilet monkey like me?

Art, why do you keep running yourself into the ground? I happen to think you

have some very nice qualities.

Really?

Like what?

What do you want, examples?

Well, that's the first thing that comes to your mind.

Okay, all right, fine.

For example, you are... You're considerate.

Other custodians would just...

Go barging into the ladies' restroom without a warning, but not you.

Now, you're right.

I always shout, coming in!

You know what else is good about you?

Offhand, no.

You're not superficial or crude or totally insincere like those other

met tonight.

You are a better person.

Yeah, well, you've never seen my bad side.

Yes, I have, Art.

Believe me, I have.

So what you're telling me is that under the right circumstances, a girl like you

could fall for a guy like me?

Art, you are a very nice man.

And you're one in a million.

Believe me, I'd always treat you right.

You would never, ever want for anything.

Oh, you know what?

I got a confession I got to tell you. I led you on.

All those nice things I said, huh? All those pretty things I said, it was just

to make you feel better, that's all.

If the truth are to be known, you're not even my type.

So what do you say we end it right now?

Before somebody's heart gets broken.

sexual harassment file?

It's my papers.

My dog, Sparky, is everywhere.

It's a juggernaut, Mac. You can't stop it.

Oh, I found him. Girls, this is Mr.

Robinson.

Can we help you, ladies?

Oh, we just wanted to tell Mr. Robinson how much we loved his story.

I especially like that part where after Sparky ran away, you found his tattered

little chew toy.

Oh, it's okay. I got over it pretty fast.

Mr. Robinson, we understand the pain you're still feeling.

Oh, no, you don't.

That's why everybody in the secretarial pool chipped in to buy you this little

present. Lily?

Go to...

No, not another word. That look on your face is thanks enough.

Come on, girls.

Mac, big guy, you did it. You brought out something beautiful in people by

sharing a part of your life.

Harry, I made the whole damn story up.

What?

You never had a dog named Sparky? Oh, hell no!

I'm allergic to dogs.

Hey,

you gotta take him, Harry. Oh, no, no, Max. No, no.

I live in an apartment. House rules. No dogs, no cats, no talk show hosts.

Well, I gotta give you up, so don't look at me with those big brown eyes.

Oh, he looked at me, Harry.

So, Miss Sullivan, how was your evening with Art?

Late. Oh?

Yeah. We talked, and then he buffed all night.

Art? Buffed all night?

The floor.

He buffed the floor.

Honestly. Ah. So, did you two get along all right?

Actually, he was the best thing about the evening.

And say what you will, that man knows his wax.

Before somebody gets hurt.

Hey, guys, what's new?