Original subtitles

This little piggy went to market.

And this little piggy stayed home. Sir, don't, please. I can't eat when you're

doing that.

Sorry. I thought you liked finger food.

Actually, Christine, I'm surprised you can think of eating with that roach on

your bread.

Kill it! Kill it!

You got it!

No, that one was already there.

Where'd all these roaches come from, anyway?

From the 17th floor. All that construction they're doing is driving

up here.

There's another one.

Don't move!

You're spraying poison all over our food.

Oh, so now you're siding with the roaches against me, sir?

It's only natural to root for the higher life form.

Oh, I sure don't feel like eating now.

Me neither.

I'll save this for later.

Oh, there's another one.

Why does something like this always seem to happen when I've got a guest coming?

A guest?

Two in one year. How do you juggle it all?

Actually, it's really no big deal. He's just my pen pal.

Pen pal?

That is so cute.

Where's the little guy from?

Attica State Prison.

He's a convict? Oh, he just got out.

I met him when my women -in -law group visited the prison.

Must have been a disappointing field trip. I hear a couple of years in the

those guys lose their eyes for the ladies.

Dan, give the guy a break.

James has paid his debt to society.

So he wrote a few bad checks.

We've all committed some transgression at one time or another.

Even me.

You? Come on, what'd you do?

Well, I'm not proud of it, but once I...

Stole some cookies from a rival Girl Scout troop.

And you're still on the streets.

My point is, I think it's important to help James make a smooth transition back

into society.

Well, count me out. I've got no time for people who think they're too good for

the law.

I'm looking for Christine Sullivan.

James, we were just talking about you.

I'm only going to say this once.

Champagne's in the fridge. The address is on the key.

Do you think a roach could get in one of these?

Oh, come on, guys. It's no worse than usual.

Oh, yeah?

Well, tell that to your donut.

Hey! Hey, you! Get back here!

This steroid use is really getting out of hand.

Sir!

Oh, I know that look.

Yeah, they must have gotten a new speed bag at Roz's gym.

Bull, I think Christine Medros is in love.

Yeah, right.

So, how was your carriage ride through Central Park?

Is that where we were?

Beats me.

All I know is, this is probably the most romantic day I've spent in a long time.

It better be. You spent the last two years in jail.

Well, baby, you gotta get ready for work, and I got some phone calls to

I'll catch you later.

You and James seem to be hitting it off.

He's okay.

Oh, come on. He's just okay?

It's been a week.

You can tell me.

Does James, um... Make me howl like a coyote till the sun comes up?

Oh, I didn't really mean that.

Does he?

Let me put it this way. My neighbors have started sleeping days.

Thoughtful of you to take time out to talk to our law class today.

My pleasure. You know, I always get as much from it as the students.

More, if I'm lucky.

Coffee? Oh.

Oh, no, thanks. I'd better get to the library before it closes, but thanks for

the tour.

You're very welcome. Listen, why don't you come back later? We can compare

notes. I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

That would be great.

Bye -bye.

Bye.

Watch it, jerk.

You mean you're not going to kill me?

Actually, I should tighten your belt until your eyes pop out.

But it's spring.

We'll make it $50 in time, sir.

I've been helping Art, and so far we must have gotten at least 2 ,000.

Where do you want them?

Well, you can try to find them all homes, or you can smash them silly.

I'll get right on the phone, sir.

Call the next case, Mac.

People versus the Willigers?

Prosecution. Yes, sir. They're charged with unlawful display of affection.

It was my fault.

She's so beautiful, I lost my head.

No, it was mine.

One look in your eyes and the law doesn't matter.

Woo!

Get down!

All right, order!

Order!

Your Honor, the statute they violated is now dated blue law.

I mean, what's the matter with displaying a little affection?

Oh, for Pete's sake, cut that out!

Your Honor, I'm all for it. but the, uh, slurping Walendas here.

We're displaying it on the counter at Burger King.

Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, hold the pickle.

I want to find the defendant's $50 and a cold shower.

Court's adjourned.

Keep up the good work.

I'm real happy that you found somebody that you care about, but this is a court

of law, and I'd appreciate it if you were a little less enthusiastic.

You are so cute when you're stern.

I'll stop that.

I'm sorry, Harry.

I guess since I met James, the whole world seems like a more beautiful,

place.

That's sweet.

Now, I gotta go kick some butt in holding.

Oh, this is so great.

Have you ever seen anything more thrilling than two people in love?

Not since they unplugged the chair at Sing Sing.

Can we help you?

You got a Christine Sullivan here?

That's me.

Detective Francis Griffin, NYPD.

Francis? That was my grandmother's name.

Sure, and a manly woman she was, too.

I understand you're pen pals with a con named James Morgan.

Yeah, we exchanged a few letters before he was let out of prison.

He wasn't let out. He escaped.

And I want him back.

Frankly, I don't think he's your type.

There must be some mistake.

There's no mistake.

Morgan was on a two -day furlough and he was due back a week ago.

No, this can't be.

James is a decent guy. He wrote to me for two years and never, not once, was

there even postage due.

Your bleeding hearts amaze me.

Sure. Let's just send these creeps away on a weekend retreat.

And when they come out, they'll steal your car, they'll steal your girl,

leave you on a corner with your hands in your pockets, and you feel like you got

a slug of hot lead in your gut.

I digress.

Now, where is Morgan?

He's not here. He left hours ago.

I got to call Edwards.

And you remember, I got my eye on all of you.

I knew it. I knew it was something wrong with that James the minute I met him.

It was those, those beady little eyes.

Yeah, never trust a man with a mustache.

That's new, isn't it?

Oh, God, how are we going to tell Roz?

Tell me what?

Well, what's the big secret?

That's a good question, Roz, and it deserves a good answer.

Look, Roz, look.

The truth is, James is a liar.

He's not on parole. He escaped.

It's okay, Rosa. I mean, I know you're upset.

But it was my favorite sweater.

You should have thought about that before you lied about James.

James Morgan?

You know something about that lying two -bit thief?

Who are you and what part of your anatomy do you want me to plant my foot

first?

I'll ask the questions here.

Now tell me what you know about this Morgan.

She never even met him.

And they didn't spend the last week exchanging hickeys with their bailiff's

lounge either.

So, Bob, what do you got out there? Just a hamster and a wheel?

So, you do know him.

You better not hide anything.

Because I'll charge you with aiding and abetting a fugitive.

So he really did escape?

I guess so.

You better tell this guy everything he wants to know.

So?

What's to tell?

I thought he got paroled.

So I guess you're not the only one he lied to.

Ross, I know how you feel.

Excuse me, Harry.

Where are you going?

Any place I don't have to watch Harry give me that Phil Donahue look.

I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this whole thing.

Christine. No, really, this is all my fault. I should have seen it coming.

The evidence was right there in his handwriting.

People who close their loops always have something to hide.

If I hadn't written to him and I hadn't invited him here, you never would have

met him. None of this ever would have happened. I feel like I practically

manufactured this whole thing by myself.

I'm the one who fell for James.

It's not your fault.

James, you big, dumb son of a... Sorry.

But I don't get why I have to fall in love with guys who are bad for me.

I mean, you make it easy for animals.

All a dog has to do is jump the fence.

Forgive me for having higher standards.

That to James was a bad idea.

You were cooking that day.

But next time, make him honest.

I didn't mean to hurt you, Ross.

Where'd you find him? Trying to skip town?

Actually, he found me. He was looking for you.

I need to talk to you, Ross.

Is there someplace quiet?

Doesn't get any quieter than up here.

Ah.

Well, I could leave you in the custody of a fellow bailiff.

That was stupid.

He knows he's not supposed to leave you up here with me.

Because you might let me go?

Because I might throw you off the roof.

Boss, there's some things I have to tell you. Like the fact that you escaped

from prison and you've been lying to me since the day we met.

Uh, yeah.

Okay, okay, I admit it.

I didn't tell you I was going back to prison.

But then you never asked.

Oh, like I always ask my dates, do we have to get you back in time for lockup?

Roz, I can't go back to that cell for another two years.

Now that I know what we have between us.

Like something out of a romance novel.

I hate romance novels.

Now, Roz, hear me out.

I was thinking that we'd go somewhere.

Someplace romantic.

Like... Juarez.

Juarez? Yeah.

What am I supposed to do in Juarez? Open a topless nacho stand?

Right now, it's just a concept, but... Guess I screwed up.

Not if you don't mind an extra three years on the prison softball team.

Oh, no, Ross, I can't do that much time.

Maybe it's best that I just get the hell out of your life.

So, did you find everything you needed at the law library?

More than everything.

I saw a cockroach.

Oh, I hate those things.

Once I woke up and one was crawling on me, I was grossed out for days. Oh, I,

uh... I know what you mean.

I've got a great idea.

There's a little club right around this corner here.

It's really nice.

Relaxed atmosphere.

Sit back.

Kick off your shoes.

And why stop there?

No, it's fine. And I just have a few more questions to ask you anyway.

Okay. Shoot.

You know, in class, we've been studying Gideon versus Wainwright, and I wondered

what you thought of the ruling as a prosecutor.

Uh -huh. Well, Gideon versus Wainwright. You know, that's a fascinating case,

actually. I think that... You know what? I just remembered.

I think I have some notes on that back at my place.

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but it's my view that that ruling actually

helped... the prosecutors by making them rely more on building a stronger case.

Oh, Sir Good Marshal, how you doing?

I didn't see him.

You just missed him. He's looking great, though. Must be using that exercise.

Don't drink that. Why not?

Because this stuff will keep you up all night.

And that's my job.

Hey, could you spare a few coins for a cup of coffee?

Here you go. It's your lucky day.

You have such a wonderful sense of humor, and you're so knowledgeable.

Can I use you as a source for my term paper?

Absolutely.

I'm out of legal pads.

Oh, wait. Ah -ha.

Mon chiquito.

No problemo.

There you go.

And you wonder why people don't like you guys.

Why can't things be simpler?

Why do they always have to get so damn mixed up?

Rob, you're cutting off my circulation.

You're lucky that's all I'm cutting off.

Now, you're going back to jail even if I have to drag you there.

Why? Why?

Because it's my duty.

And because, after waiting all this time to find somebody I care about, I'm not

letting him go that easy.

You'd really wait for me?

Maybe. Maybe?

Maybe's a lot better than you'll get if you go through that door.

Are you saying I have a choice?

Or are you going to tackle me again?

I'm not saying anything.

But if you do go, I'm just a memory.

Okay. Go ahead. Put the cups on me.

Just like last night.

Don't worry, Miss Sullivan. I'm sure Roz is going to be just fine.

Your Honor, I've had it with these roaches.

You're giving up?

Yep. They whipped me pretty good, Your Honor.

Me.

The same guy who beat back the earwigs in 83.

I tried everything, Your Honor.

Nothing works.

Not even this.

Roach nuke?

I used three cans of that yesterday.

Zip.

Mark, it says here on the label it takes 24 hours to have any effect.

Really? Uh -huh.

Well, let me see.

I set the cans off about this time last night, so that would make it 10 plus 2

plus 12.

All right!

Well, I guess they finally met their equals.

Oh, God.

Please let that be a pebble in my shoe.

I'm warning you, pal.

Where is Morgan?

Uh, Harry Morgan?

Still on mash.

All right, detective, what's your problem?

One of my men saw your bailiff with a man resembling James Morgan's

Is that true, Bull?

Uh, James Morgan?

Could you describe him again?

The black male, 6 '4", 230 pounds.

And don't forget the killer bun.

Well, Morgan, you're gonna be away for a long time.

I hope she was worth it.

She was worth it.

All right, let's go.

Harry, you gotta do something.

He wanted to come back, but I turned the poor man to jelly.

Ross, they trusted him to return, and he didn't. I know.

He brought this on himself.

I know. It's a very serious offense.

I know. Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Detective, I'm just hoping that James' punishment doesn't

outweigh his crime.

Don't worry, Judge. You'll get the maximum.

I go by the strict letter of the law.

So do I.

That's why I'm going to have to place you under arrest.

What's the charge?

Donut theft.

These are mine.

And you ate three, no, four of them without my permission.

Oh, come on.

What's it worth, about a dollar?

It's a misdemeanor punishable by one year in jail and a thousand dollar fine,

and I go by the strict letter of the law.

You're crazy.

That's what they tell me.

Roz, you want to cuff the good detective here?

Sure. But don't go thinking this is going to lead to anything.

All right.

I'll tell him the guy turned himself in.

And you'll probably only get a... A couple of months and a slap on the

Before I go, there's a certain young lady I'd like to thank.

Oh, James, you don't have to thank me.

Oh, you meant... You see me when

I get out?

Yeah.

I can't promise to be faithful.

I can.

Well, if you guys will excuse me, I'd like a moment alone with Bull.

Sure. Oh, yeah.

I'd like to talk to you about what you did up on the roof.

Oh, that's okay, Roz. You don't have to say... What the hell is the matter with

you? You knew how I felt about James.

You never leave a prisoner with someone who might let him go.

You could have lost your job. And don't you ever do anything like that again. Do

you hear me?

Yes, ma 'am.

Good.

Now bend over.