Original subtitles

Previously on Night Court... Roz, there's something wrong with Harry. I

him in his office with that gangster, Marty Colon.

And they were smoking cigarettes and drinking, too.

I say we send him to his room without dinner.

So, did Colon offer you the drive yet? Not yet.

I hope he does soon. This thing is beginning to chase something awful.

it's just my way of saying thank you for protecting my rights.

And my friends and I pay good money to be well protected.

Do you comprehend my gist?

All right, Harry, I know what you're up to, and you can't get away with it,

buster.

Buster?

Oh, hell, what have you been drinking?

Nothing. Oh, right.

Hey! Hey!

Tell him I haven't been drinking anything but this iced tea.

Oh.

I bet Eddie gave her a Long Island iced tea.

The lady like another?

I had to come, Harry.

I talked to Christine. She told me everything.

And I can't let you ruin your life.

Buddy, this whole thing is a scam.

It's like a play.

Play?

This is part of a government sting to catch some criminals who have been

judges.

Really?

What a relief.

And to think I almost told you that I was your father.

You mean my stepfather?

No, I mean your real father.

You guys really had me fooled until Harry explained it was all part of a

government sting.

Vinnie.

Marty. I want you and Sal to go down to the municipal court building now.

You will find there a judge named Harry T. Stone.

He's wearing a very expensive new watch.

Kill him.

Hey, Mac, is Harry back yet?

Oh, yeah, I forgot about Loretta Lump.

She looks kind of sweet, doesn't she?

Pretty impressive hang time on that drool, too.

All right, let's get back to work. I don't want any questions from anybody

anything.

Harry! What are you doing here?

Does that matter? What the hell am I doing back here?

You shipped back. You passed out after one drink.

I love that in a woman.

That is preposterous. Oh, whoa.

Christine, you've got pirate breath.

Miss Sullivan.

Don't miss Sullivan me. I am not leaving here until I... Oh, excuse me.

I have a pressing appointment tonight.

That lady's lunch is going places.

Hi, Your Honor. Did you see Buddy's friend, Dr. Dumont? I wouldn't know.

does Dr. Dumont look like?

He's about 5 '10", curly hair, smokes a pipe, and thinks he's an Irish setter

named King.

Sounds like a fun guy.

Great news, Harry. We did it. We nailed Marty Colon.

Oh, swell.

Stiffy. Hooray.

Okay, Bon.

Here's your evidence. Now, get the hell out of my life.

Harry, why do you have a tape recorder stuck to your chest?

Sorry, top secret.

Oh, what the heck?

Harry and I are involved in an ongoing government sting.

Wait a minute, Tim. What do you mean, ongoing?

Well, we've got more than a bribery charge here. With any luck, we'll get

murder. Cologne's gonna try to kill you!

Way to go, sir!

Marty, Cologne wants me dead?

Yes!

Yes. We had the phone at Wilmer's tapped, and Marty is sending over two

named Vinnie and Sal to take you down.

Wait a minute, you mean to tell me there are going to be professional killers

roaming these halls trying to take out Harry and whatever innocent bystanders

happen to be in the way?

Yeah, but don't worry, Fielding. With me in the job, those killers don't stand a

chance.

Doc!

Well, I know I feel safer.

Man, poor Harry.

Yep. It must be terrible knowing that there are people out there trying to

you. I can't think of anything worse.

Except maybe a partridge family reunion.

Hi, guys. You seen Harry?

He's in his office, but I wouldn't go near him now.

Oh, he must be taking this pretty hard, huh?

Boy, they should have told him about this 30 years ago.

Buddy, are we talking about the same thing?

I think you're asking the wrong guy.

And admittedly, my behavior isn't the sort of thing you'd expect from a

man.

You've been at it again, haven't you?

I can't help it. I don't know what triggers it.

The moon?

Flickering light?

A particularly good piece of leather?

Why don't we sit over there, Father?

Well,

that's it.

Tonight, he's sleeping outside.

Stop that dog, man!

Thanks, sister. Oh, by the way, if you ever decide to leave the order, name's

Fielding.

Hey, don't worry, boss.

Hey, it's gonna be easy pickings.

Hey, we wait for the right moment.

Ba -da -boom.

They never see you coming.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, that's why you got a contract.

You got a problem?

No problem. No, just waiting for a friend. Friend?

Smitty, how are you?

I haven't seen you in so long. The jokes, the quips, the sin with the same

firm. Okay, thanks.

Oh.

Hey, the killers. The killers, they're here. What if I'm by the shoes I said I

saw them? Great work, Fielding. What did they look like? What do you mean, what

did they look like?

dark suits.

All units, all units, code magenta.

Converge on the hallway payphone.

Suspect described as mean -looking, wearing dark suits and noses over.

Well, the party's over for those losers.

What? What?

Jeez, fellas, they were just standing right there. Come on, guys.

We call it unrestrained custody.

What are we going to do now?

Now we go back to work.

Your Honor, is there any way I can talk you out of this?

No.

Oh, boy!

This will draw the killers out in the open for sure.

Trust me, Mrs. Perrine, we'll do what we can to get your purse back.

Please do.

Mother's quite upset.

She's a very delicate woman.

I'd like to take that kook's heart out.

and show it to him while it's still beating.

That'll get a guy's attention.

All right, now, let's just try to conduct ourselves as if everything is

perfectly normal.

Yeah! Oh, get out of there, Bond.

Sorry, Your Honor, security check. Okay, the bench is clean.

Harry, I really think we ought to talk.

Buddy, I'm busy.

Oh, yeah.

I'll come back later.

It's time I rotated my socks anyway.

Matt, can we please get started?

Hi, guys.

Your Honor?

Fuck you, Lord!

Okay, men, frisk them and check their IDs.

Well, you're safe now, Harry.

Gosh, Tim, I guess I underestimated you.

Everyone does.

That's what gives me the edge.

Well, what have we got?

Trigger men from Jersey?

Hired guns flown in from the coast?

No, sir, they're Amway salesmen.

What? I heard him talking about contract.

Yeah, contract for 12 cases of our all -in -one cleaner.

But I give you a demonstration.

But if they aren't, then that means...

The killers are still at large.

Say, you're good.

Now, I want you to lock this door and don't open it until you hear me say...

A smart salmon never stops for direction.

And don't worry, sir. If I catch those guys, I'll rip their heads off.

Bo, violence has never accomplished anything.

Maybe not, but they'd have a heck of a time renewing their driver's licenses.

All right, sir, what's going on?

Two men are trying to kill me. Where have you been?

No, I mean, Buddy, there's obviously something going on between the two of

Buddy, no, that's not much, really. He just finally revealed to me that he is

real father.

What?

But I guess he thought that little tidbit of information was something I

needed to know.

Oh, come on, sir, be fair.

Buddy spent the last 20 years making a potholder.

He finished that two years ago.

Oh, my God. Get the one.

Oh, son, talk about fun.

How about next time I put the blanket on you, buddy?

Why the hell did you come back here?

Oh, I was thinking this might be a good time for us to talk.

Well, I'm not in the mood.

Well, I can see that I'm not going to be able to get a word in edgewise, so I'll

just step out.

Find anything yet? No, sir. But we're checking everybody.

If anyone's got a weapon, we'll find it.

She's clean.

Halt! No one enters the courtroom without being frisked.

For your information, I happen to have an incredible hangover.

So I'd really appreciate your not...

That's it. Code base. Code base.

Frisk her.

Oh, no, you don't. Oh, no. Get your mess off me.

You are dead meat, Bob.

God, I love this job.

So, uh, how long are we going to stare at each other like that?

Not that I mind the silence.

I once went two years without talking.

If you don't count the bird calls.

We have nothing to talk about, buddy. What is there to say? I don't even know

who the hell I am anymore.

I know exactly what you mean.

That's why it's smart to have one of these things.

Thanks for the tip.

Excuse me, I'm going to go get some air.

Harry, I'd really like a chance to explain myself.

Why don't you write me a note, Dad? Maybe I'll read it sometime.

You come back in here and shut that door.

Now, you sit your butt back down and don't give me any more of your lip.

All those years of watching the Brady Bunch in the day room.

Okay, buddy, whatever you have to tell me, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing

you could say could possibly phase me now.

You were born in a mental institution.

I stand corrected.

Your mom was really pretty mixed up when she first moved into the hospital.

To give you an idea, I actually helped her.

Just the two of us.

We clung to each other for support.

And that support grew into friendship.

And that friendship grew into love.

And that's where I came into the picture.

Yeah.

I'll never forget that night.

We had both attended my pal Bert's shadow puppet theater.

It was a Tennessee Williams piece.

We stayed after, turned the lights down low, as our favorite song

played on the phonograph over and over.

With his goo -goo -goo -goo -me -on.

Funny goo -goo -goo -me -on. Buddy, what I still don't understand is

why did you take so long to tell me this?

By the time I got out of the hospital, your mom was already married.

To Harry Sr.? Yeah, he seemed like a pretty good guy.

Yeah, he was.

Sure. And as far as you knew, he was your dad.

So we figured it would be better if we waited till you were older before we

you.

And then I had that little setback with the cheese whiz.

But I'm feeling much better now.

Buddy, you've been better for years.

You could have told me this any number of times.

Well, I figured it would hurt your career if people found out that your dad

a half a bubble off.

Buddy. Oh, no. You were a judge.

You could go on to be mayor or governor or maybe even the guy who hosts the big

lotto spin.

I appreciate your faith in me.

Hey, even if you weren't the son I always knew I had, you'd

still be the son I always wished I wanted. So, I'm glad I have you,

son.

I can't think of a nicer or more confusing compliment.

Excuse me, sir.

What is it, Matt?

Well, we're looking for Dr.

Dumont. Mother's heart medicine was in her purse, and that crazy man ran off

with it.

Wait a minute, folks. Now, I know we're upset, but I must take issue with the

use of that word, crazy.

I mean, sure, there are people in this world that have a tough time fitting

our narrow little definition of normal, but is it really our right?

To call those special and unique people like Dr.

DeMott crazy?

The guy thinks he's a dog, Harry.

I got some slobber on your face.

No problem. It's mine.

Well, anyway, at least we got Mrs. Perrine's purse back.

Gee, this thing is heavy.

I wonder what the hell she has in here.

Now, why would a sweet old lady need a .45 caliber handgun with a silencer?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Probably not.

I can't believe for a moment that two kind, gentle -looking folks like

yourselves would be willing to take a human life for money.

We're picking up 20 grand for this job.

For Harry?

All right, folks, enough chit -chat. It's time to earn our money.

Blow them away, Dad.

You can relax now, Harry. We've got five suspects in custody.

Tim, I don't believe you've met the Perrines, Vinnie and Sally.

Ha! You fell right into our trap, didn't you?

You've only got one choice, Pops. Hand over the gun.

Shut up or eat lead.

Why don't we go your way?

There you are. You're in big trouble, pal.

All right, that's enough of that.

This doesn't concern you. When I'm through with you, you'll...

I'm interrupting something, aren't I? How rude of me. Well, I'll just be

Over there, dear.

Right.

Harry, you'll never guess who the killers are.

The old couple.

Hey, that's cheating.

Why, you don't think you're getting away with this, do you? With all these

witnesses?

Oh, I think he's right, Father.

We're going to have to waste them all.

You know, then again, I think if you dropped the gun, walked out of here,

let it slide this time, wouldn't we, guys? Why don't you lock the door,

Oh, no.

I've done it again, haven't I?

Yes, you did, you great, big, beautiful woofer. I love you. Come on, flea dips

on me.

All right, men, get him out of here.

Well, thanks for your help, Stoney.

Hey, buddy, I'm sorry we put you through all that.

Oh, forget it, Harry. I had a ball.

With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?

Sure I can't get you another one, Harry?

No, three is my limit. I'm driving.

Thanks anyway, buddy.

Or should I call you Dad now?

Well, since you've opened the floor, I've always fancied Ramon.

How about we stick with Buddy, huh? Sure.

Have you ever noticed any resemblance between us?

Have I ever noticed any resemblance?

No.

Something else.

Now, I was named after Harry Sr., right?

Well, if you'd had a chance to name me, what would it have been?

Oh, that's easy.

I would have named you Mel.

Really? The greatest voice in the world.

You would have named me after Mel Torme? No, Mel Blanc.

I love the way you did that, crazy rabbit.

Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry.

Even by my standards.

You sure you're okay?

Well... let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went

through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed.

But I'm feeling much better now.