Original subtitles

What is this stuff?

The chef calls it his pièce de résistance.

Yeah, well.

I got a piece of resistance right here.

Oh, Dan, throw it away.

No, save it. The chef's building a gristle ball.

Want some?

What is it? Trail mix. It's real good brain food.

That's quite an endorsement coming from you.

I figure I'm going to need a little extra boost with all those tests we got

take. Oh, don't worry about those, Bull. We're just part of a research study on

people that work in the criminal justice system.

Me, I'm kind of looking forward to them.

I'd rather skip down Broadway in a tutu.

What kinds of stuff do they ask you on those tests?

Well, there are several parts to it, Bull.

Personality, aptitude, IQ.

For example, they might show you an inkblot like this.

Dan, what do you see? A set of Hall of Fame hooters.

I think it looks like a basket filled with puppies.

Kind of looks like the Lone Ranger's mask to me.

Well, looks like a family of bunny rabbits squashed on the interstate by a

convoy of trucks.

Except for one little guy that almost got away only to be hit by a station

instead.

Mr. Casey, I realize that golf can be a frustrating game, but that is still no

reason to take it out on your caddy.

That's a $200 fine and a two -stroke penalty.

Is that it, Mac?

Holding take is on empty, yes, sir.

Then I guess it's time to say adieu. And by golly, don't mind if I do it.

Court's adjourned.

Wait, Your Honor.

Your results?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, gang, listen up. Dr. Malloy is here to give us back the scores on our

personality tests.

If you could all gather here for just a moment, I'll distribute them.

Perhaps you could help me pass out.

Least I'd do is make you feel faint.

You must be fielding.

So, how'd we do?

Well, you're quite an interesting group, as indicated by your scores. But before

you open your...

A sealed packet.

I was going to say that Dr. Keating, our project director, will be down to help

you interpret your results.

Mother, may I?

Yes, you may.

However, being layperson, you may find it difficult to interpret your own

results. Exhibits hostility? What the hell is this supposed to mean, pucker

butt?

Good example.

Hey, you guys want to hear something weird? Listen to mine.

The respondent's playful temperament is inconsistent with the type of person who

should hold a position of authority.

Is that a laugh or what?

Okay, so I like to have fun. Big deal. This makes it sound like I'm some kind

clown. By the way, sir, your shoes came back from the repair shop.

You know what, Barry? At least the IQ evaluations are fairly accurate on these

things. Why? What'd you get, Dan?

Rosalind, I wouldn't want to sound braggadocious.

Now, let me caution that the intelligence quotient is often

What did you get, Dan?

Let us just say that my IQ, as per my usual, is larger than normal.

Dan, for your information, you're not the only one in this room who has a big

IQ.

Excuse me.

It's really inappropriate to be comparing results.

She's right.

But 20 bucks says mine's highest.

You're on, buddy.

I'll take a piece of that myself.

Yeah, I kind of like my chances against this bunch.

Paul, I'm not much of a gambler.

But when you're playing with a hot hand... Count me in, too.

Paul, are you sure you can afford $20?

Gee, I think so.

It must be $10 ,000 there.

Grocery shopping tonight.

Okay. Now, a score of 100 would be average intelligence, right?

Then might we safely assume that we all have a score over 100?

Does anyone have a score higher than 200?

Paul, that's impossible. You see, a score of 140 is a genius.

Really?

Then what would 181 be?

Paul, now are you sure you're reading that thing right?

Oh. Whoops, it's upside down.

This way it's 181.

want? Uh, Chiquita, this must be his hat size.

No, the man just has immeasurable cognitive powers.

Yeah, well, I eat a lot of oysters.

Is that the subject, Dr. Malloy? Oh, yes, Dr. Keating. How are you, my boy?

It's an honor to make your acquaintance, Mr. Shannon.

Hiya.

My God, yes.

Would you look at the size of that brain pan.

No wonder.

Doc, are you saying that our old bailiff Buddy Bull here is a genius?

Well, yes.

Does that surprise you?

Would it surprise you to find out the Ayatollah had been a rockette?

Doctor, I'm afraid we've always thought of Bull as, well... I'll say it.

Dumber than dirt.

I can see how you were misled.

We discovered some marvelously unusual associative skills in Mr. Shannon's

thought processes.

I don't understand.

Well, simply put, you think differently than the rest of us.

So does a stapler.

Mr. Shannon, my associates and I have a proposal for you. You do? We'd like to

offer you a post at the Institute's Creative Research Division.

Oh, wow, Paul, just... Think of it. To be paid is to be creative and to think

and to do research.

Let's hold on one second here, okay?

Let's let this sink in.

Bull. Research.

Now, those two words go together like Margaret Thatcher and hot pants.

So, Mr. Shannon, what do you say?

Gosh.

Something to think about.

Yeah. You'll have to choose between money and prestige and getting barfed on

drunks.

Not an easy choice.

Mr. Shannon, we're offering you a chance to help your fellow man.

Gosh, Bull could be the guy who discovers a new energy source.

Yeah, or finds a way to reduce the national debt.

Or to figure out how to keep sweaters from getting those little balls on them.

Hey, who wouldn't want to be a part of all that?

But I sure wouldn't want to leave you guys in the lurch.

Come on, Bull.

We're not going to stand in your way.

This could be the chance of a lifetime.

Well?

All right, I accept.

Wonderful. So, would you be able to begin work Monday morning?

Uh, what time?

How does nine o 'clock sound?

Better make it ten. I don't want to miss the Smurfs.

tighten the lid.

Uh -oh.

Yeah, I haven't been able to open it for two weeks.

Let me give it a try. You know, sometimes if you give it a good sharp

hard surface, it... There you go.

Thank you.

All right!

You know, the mail delivery's delayed again. When are they going to send the

next lunkhead down here to replace Bull?

Actually, we're supposed to get a replacement tonight. Her name is Ursula

something.

Ursula? We're getting a bailiff named Ursula?

That's what they tell me.

Yee, I picture high Scandinavian cheekbones, stern yet yielding blue

mane of blonde hair, the kind of girl you want to get naked with and roll

in front of a fireplace.

Yeah, you don't, I'm Ursula.

What's with him?

Reality cramps.

Tell me about it.

So, you're Ursula... Schmeindorf.

Schmeindorf. That's German, isn't it? Yeah, it means bad sausage.

Your Honor, I... Oh, hi.

There's a couple of your co -workers. Would you like to meet them?

It's only two weeks.

What's the point?

She seems sweet.

You know, I got a feeling we're going to miss the big guy even more.

Yeah. Well, when we see him, let's not mention anything about this, okay? He's

got enough to think about already.

You guys want to see Bull? Yeah, you want to come along?

No.

Okay. We'll see you when we get back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're going to go see Bull, and you're not forcing me to go along with you.

Well, I just assumed you'd want to come, Dan, so you could peek in on those

experiments in human sexuality.

I'll drive.

Are you getting anything yet?

Not this time. Sorry.

Mr. Shannon, don't be sorry.

Your work in telepathic communication with animals has been marvelous.

It's a living.

Dr. Malloy, please report to C -Wing, room seven.

Gotta run.

I'm gonna leave you wired up, though, just in case they say anything.

Okay, but the gerbils don't seem very chatty today.

What'd you say?

Wait, let me get this down.

Peter?

Piper?

Hey,

come on.

What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?

Olly olly oxen, free, free, free.

Hey, guys, come on in.

Sorry I can't get up. I'm wired to rodents.

Not just anyone who can say that.

Hey, Paul, what do they do over here in this room with all the leather

recliners? Oh, that's where they do the sex experiments.

And when do they do these sex experiments?

All the time.

You know, boy, you look great. Place is the same without you. Don't be a

stranger. I'll wait for you over here.

So, what exactly do you think about in a think tank, Bull?

Oh, whatever comes into my mind. What makes gravity work?

How radiation penetrates matter?

Why men have nipples?

What'd you come up with on that one?

My theory is they're sort of like the portholes on a 54 Buick.

Just for decoration.

Please tell me my tax dollars aren't paying for this.

Mr. Shannon, the research team wants to reschedule your time in the sensory

deprivation tank.

And here's that DNA study. They want your notes on it by tomorrow morning.

Gee, sounds like they really got you hopping, huh, Bo?

No, that's Thursday.

Stress tests.

Uh, Dr. Malloy?

Yes, Miss Sullivan?

Uh, not that I'm brooding about it or anything, but I have a question about my

IQ test.

Yes? Well, I've always thought of myself as, well, brainy.

At least smarter than Bull.

Your score was nothing to be ashamed of.

Who said I was ashamed?

I'll have you know I came in second in my class in law school.

Well...

always have that.

Conehead.

Excuse me, Mr.

Fielding.

Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.

So tell me, Doc, what are you trying to do with all these gauges and meters and

stuff here?

We're trying to isolate to trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual

arousal.

A couple of piña coladas and my hormones are wearing party hats, babe.

Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.

Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of

field experience covering the entire range of pacto -physio -kinetic

in relation to... Uh -oh, here are the naked people.

We call them subjects.

Let the games begin!

So, uh, what are these for, Bull?

Oh, we're studying nonverbal communication with animals.

Oh, and have you communicated?

Oh, yeah.

Just yesterday, I was in the humpback whale tank, and I actually learned their

beautiful mating song.

Want to hear it?

Okay.

Boy, that'll really turn a girl's head.

100 .3.

100 .4.

This is what's known as the arousal phase.

I'll say it is.

We are getting excellent results.

He's seen, Pappy.

Subjects show normal dilation of pupils.

Breathing is steady.

And secondary sexual characteristics are responding as predicted.

You know something? I can't believe you don't find this the least bit

stimulating.

I'm a scientist, Mr. Fielding. Oh, forget science.

Look at them.

Two people in a romantic, passionate embrace.

Hearts pounding.

Both racing.

Coupled. and the ultimate of sensual passion.

Oh, Dan, make me scream like a banshee.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything. Yes, you did. You said make me scream like a banshee.

No, I didn't. You did. You did. I've got witnesses.

Have you heard of it?

I'm sorry to cut your visit short, but Mr. Shannon's time is really quite

valuable. Well, see you around, big guy.

Hey, maybe we can catch a movie tomorrow night.

Sounds great.

Oh, no, you can't. We have that symposium on memory improvement.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Bye, Bob.

Bye. Come on, Dan, we're leaving.

Hold on, hold on a second here. The ice cream is starting to thaw. Come on, Dan.

No, wait, come on, listen. It was something I said. How about that passion

romance? Look, come on, come on. All right, look. You don't have to stick to

Just admit that you said it.

I have some wonderful news, my boy.

Great. I could use some. Are you ready?

We're going to Tibet to do research on the yak.

Say, that is wonderful news.

Why? If we're successful, we might domesticate the yak worldwide and

developing countries with a means to feed themselves.

Are you telling me that I might stop world hunger just by chatting with a

A very distinct possibility.

And with your potential, there's no telling what you could accomplish.

God,

I wish I was stupid again.

Court finds the defendant guilty, and that'll be two days in the pokey.

What else, Mac?

That's it, sir. No more.

Well, then I guess we can call it quits.

Looks like some of us already have.

I guess I'll have to have a little chat with Miss Congeniality.

Court's adjourned.

So, Dan, you got any plans for the weekend?

Yeah, I thought I might go visit both the Institute. Maybe take a date.

Ursula, I thought we might have a little talk.

Can it wait till the commercial?

No, it really can't. Oh, fine.

You've screwed up my reception anyway.

Ursula, the efficient administration of justice relies on everyone fulfilling

their responsibilities.

It's a team.

Now, if one person doesn't do her job, then the whole team suffers.

Excuse me, I'm on diuretics.

as long as we understand one another.

What a day.

What a week.

What a life.

Good night, Mr. Courtroom.

Good night, Harry.

Boo?

Is that you?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I've been lying over in the corner for the last couple of hours.

Any particular reason?

They were sending me to Tibet, Harry.

But I don't want to go.

Then don't. But what about domesticating the yak?

I'm all for that.

As long as you can keep them off the furniture.

You see, Harry, Dr. Keating says I have a gift that can make the world a better

place.

So don't you think it's selfish of me not to use it?

Well... Yeah.

That's what I was afraid of.

I'll try to find you a postcard of some naked Tibetan girls.

Bull.

Sit down.

It's not just Tibet, is it?

You don't like working at the Institute, do you?

I'd rather have a root canal perform through my nasal passage, Harry.

Then quit.

What about my gift?

Well, what about your other gifts?

Huh? I'm talking about... I'm talking about the things you do here every day

that make the world a better place.

You mean like making sure to warm my hands before a strip search?

That's one of them.

Or treating these people with dignity.

Or your generosity. You know, I once saw you give an old man your last buck so

that he could go visit his son.

Sure, but a little bus fare hardly compares with feeding the world.

That was not just a little buck fare, Bull. You made a difference in that

So you're saying the world might be better off if I was back here?

What I'm saying, Bull, is that the world became a better place the day you were

born.

And it still is.

No matter where you are, you think about that.

I'm tired of thinking.

I just want to be a Belf again.

Right? Welcome back, big guy.

You made the right choice.

Yeah. Besides, that whole yak idea was not without its flaws.

It seems to me the use of hydroponics with existing hybrids holds more promise

for expanded food production.

Right.

Maybe I'll just drop the institute a note.

There you go.

Make solving the world's problems a hobby, huh?

Come on, let's tap a keg of Bosco.

Oh, by the way, is there any chance I could work a little more overtime?

It's going to take a lot of money to pay back the Institute.

Pay back the Institute?

For what?

The animals.

Bull.

You didn't let the animals go.

Yes, I did.

I understand you wanting them to have their freedom, but what good is it going

to do if they're just wandering helplessly out in the streets of New

Well, they aren't exactly out in the streets.

You mean...