Original subtitles

So, sir, have you decided where you're going for the holidays?

Oh, yeah. I'm going skiing in Vermont.

It's going to be fun.

I could save you a lot of money, sir. Just stuff some ice down your pants and

hurl yourself into a tree.

I know a girl who'll do it for you for only 40 bucks, too.

Isn't that suit a tad on the small side for you?

It's the only one they had left. For some reason, they had a big rush on

suits.

No! On Christmas Eve?

So, Paul, how's the toy drive going?

Great. Everyone I've approached has been real generous.

Toys for toddlers!

Christmas really brings out the best in people.

Are you laughing at me, Dan?

Yes, I am laughing at you. Men have died laughing at less.

Pick a body cavity, Dan.

So you're off to distribute the toys, huh, Ross?

Yes, sir. We'll be back before session starts.

I'll await your answer.

Bye. Well, if you'll excuse me, lots of office parties. I don't want to miss

them. Getting into the holiday spirit, are we? Yes, sir. Why not? I mean,

Christmas is a time for celebration, fellowship.

Besides, you know, tests show that at Christmas, women are sexually more

receptive than at any other time of the year.

Speaking of the spirit of giving, I figured that the lunch break would be a

time for us to swap our gifts. Is that okay with you guys? Hey, that's fine,

yeah.

Gifts?

Yeah, remember, we drew lots. You and Roz are exchanging gifts.

Oh, you mean Christmas gifts.

Oh, yes, it's a great time. Oh, you know what? She's going to love what I got

her. See you later.

You gift wrap.

And he's off!

Rocketing down there on an incredible speed!

Here comes a tree!

Whoa! And another one! Whoa!

He glides around it and over the skis of a lady from Schenectady!

Sorry, ma 'am.

Buddy! Hi, Harry. If you're in mid -hallucination, I can come back later.

Come on in, buddy.

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, they gave us time off to spend Christmas with our families. So, here I

You don't have any other plans, do you?

Well,

I... Sir, we... Oh, hey, buddy. Hi, buddy.

Hi, Mac.

Christine. So, you've been released from the mental institution?

No, I'm just on a pass.

I had a little setback last spring.

The Mr.

Potato Head incident.

But I'm feeling much better now.

Well, it sure is good to see you again, buddy.

Same here. Love what you've done with the eyebrows.

Thank you.

Sir, I hate to interrupt your stepfather's visit, but we'd better

session if you want to make that ski trip of yours.

Oh, wait a minute.

You do have plans.

You were going skiing, weren't you?

Yep. Hey, no problem. I'll be fine.

I'll go out with my friend Nick.

Nick, is he also from the hospital?

Yeah, real fun guy.

Last month you organized the lunch meat crafts fair.

I picked up a nice set of pastrami candlesticks.

Well, buddy, I certainly hope you'll be able to stick around for our party on

lunch break.

Great!

Oh, we'll have a blast, Harry. We'll do Christmas Eve just the way your mom

liked, with lots of fruitcake and fish sticks.

I mean, Christmas up the whole place. Oh, no, buddy, don't go to any bother. I

mean that.

Hey, no problem.

All I need is some tinsel and a few holly wreaths and, oh, plenty of

It has more fiber than poinsettia.

Sir, Roz and I are finished with the toy giveaway.

Hey, big guy, how did it go with the kids?

Oh, it was great. You should have seen their cute little eyes light up.

Some of them even thought I was actually Santa Claus.

I hope the real Santa doesn't mind.

Better put out an extra plate of cookies just in case.

Thanks again for coming, Danny.

You really know how to...

Make the season bright.

Hi, Dad.

We just come from a ornament hanging party down in Steno.

You've been hanging them. Why aren't they still on the tree?

Tree?

Yeah, what else are you going to hang them on?

Excuse me while I go wash up.

Okay, Mac Frost, what's next?

A holiday treat, sir. People versus the merry carolers.

Yeah, well, next time it'll be silent night for you, pal. You'll be sleeping

heavenly peace.

The charge is assault.

Your Honor, my clients were attempting to carol when the plaintiffs began

heckling them. Sir, witnesses state that the plaintiffs merely declined to join

in a sing -along of Frosty the Snowman, whereupon the Rambo Tabernacle Choir...

threatened to grab their chestnuts and roast them on an open fire.

Hey, we were just trying to pump a little of the Christmas spirit into

Lovely thought.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to find you naughty instead of nice.

And I'm sorry, that's going to be one day in jail.

Harry, I'm coming along great with your Christmas tree, but I ran out of solder.

I'll be right back.

I'll call a recess if we hear a chainsaw.

A little grand theft, sir.

They should lock him in a festering hole filled with maggots.

Prosecutor? Yes, sir. James McCracken, owner of the Happy Tot Toy conglomerate.

And the object of his affection?

Mr. Volpe, sir. He and Mr. McCracken are competitors.

He sells the toys he steals from a Kraken's warehouse.

Hey, I cut out the middleman and still factory direct.

I caught him with 3 ,000 of the toys and the truck they came in.

Okay, well, remand this one over to a grand jury.

Hold that gavel, sir. We got a little problem with the evidence.

What's the problem? We don't have it.

How the hell do you lose a truck and 3 ,000 toys?

He said the truck was parked out front. Somebody drove it off.

What's that?

A big guy.

In a Santa suit with a shaved head.

That wouldn't by any chance have been a big green truck with white sidewall

tires?

Bull, you put those toys in with the donations for Toys for Toddlers?

No, sir, I... Well, yeah.

They were parked right by the drop -off box, so I just assumed... You idiot!

Those toys are worth $30 ,000 and you just gave them to a bunch of sniveling

rats?

So you're saying they weren't donated?

Well, where exactly are those toys now?

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

Well, there were a lot of stops and... Wait a minute!

I know the first place had a bush in front of it.

We'll just ask Roz.

Ask me what?

Roz, remember all those toys you just distributed?

Uh -huh. Do you remember where you delivered them?

Uh -huh. Well, it turns out they're evidence. We have to get them back.

Uh -uh.

Judge, this is contempt!

Roz, I don't think you understand.

If you withhold those toys, that's obstruction of justice.

You can go to jail.

I'm sorry, Your Honor, but I'm not going to go back and look those deprived

little tykes in their eyes and snatch their toys from them.

I'll do it.

Tell her if she doesn't turn over the toys, you'll put her in jail.

Mr. McCracken, this is my court, and I will not have you telling me what I do

and say.

If you don't turn over the toys, I'm going to put you in jail.

You got to do what you got to do.

I understand.

Very well.

I hereby find you in contempt, and you're to be held over until you decide

turn over the toys.

Terrible. Tell me about it. She picked my name. Now I'm out of gifts.

I appreciate you wanting to decorate my office, but... This was really, really

unnecessary.

Sir, I think I have a way to get Rod that... Oh, my God! Is that a shark?

Oh, no!

It's a marlin.

A shark is a Thanksgiving fish.

Of course.

Anyway, sir, I filed a petition for Rod's release.

On what grounds?

Personal safety.

As a bailiff and officer of the court, she could be the object of revenge from

the other prisoners.

Uh, excuse me. You worried about a woman who turned over a car because it was

parked in her space?

Well, this is her first offense.

Nice try, Counselor. No go.

Yeah. Gotta get over to filing.

Another party? Yeah. All the girls are gonna be wearing gift wrapping with

little signs that say, Open Me First.

Sir, I want you to throw me in jail, too.

And just why would I do that, Paul?

Because if I remember where the toys were, I wouldn't tell you either.

But you don't remember.

But I might.

In fact, I might remember already without even realizing it.

So, what do you say we open some presents?

What the heck might take our minds off things?

Great! Here you go!

I made these in my shop class at the hospital.

Interesting wrapping.

Oh, sorry about that. They don't let us use scissors.

Hey, this is great.

It's... It's... It's wood.

Right.

Don't tell me you already have some.

Oh, no.

Hi,

Roz. How are you holding up?

Oh, having a ball. We've been naming the roaches after Santa's reindeer.

Oh, Roz, I have tried every defense I can think of.

Temporary insanity, diminished capacity, feline dependency.

Feline dependency?

You have to feed your cat.

Look, Roz, I hate to say this, but you're going to have to give in

Might as well be now.

Look, Christine, when I was eight years old, my father lost his job right before

Christmas.

I thought no way was I going to get any presents this year.

Then the people from Toys for Toddlers came.

They bought presents for me and all my brothers and sisters.

Oh, that must have been a very special present.

Nah, it stunk.

I got a puke green case full of crayons.

I didn't even like coloring books.

I sure as hell didn't need any damn crayons.

But it was the only present I got.

So every night when I went to bed, I took those crayons with me.

Those stupid, ugly crayons.

Because when you're a kid at Christmas time, most of all, you just want

something under the tree with your name on it.

You just squished Blitzen.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court, part two, resumed session.

The Honorable Harold T.

Scrooge presides.

Ross, I know we're going to lick this thing, but in the meantime, if there is

anything I can do for you, please tell me.

You want to find somebody to sublet my apartment?

Hi, Ross.

Hi, sir.

For a procedure, you've been called before the court to divulge any

pertinent to the case.

Come on, Ross. What do you say?

No way I'm telling that overstepped toad where his damn toys are.

Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?

I'll change my mind when hell has frozen over and the sun has turned to...

All right!

Well, since neither of you seems willing to budge, I've got no choice but to

put Miss Russell back.

Wait!

Just for the record, I know none of their mothers.

Ross. No, Nancy, get out of here.

Can we help you, Miss?

Nancy Garrett. I'm the director of the Canal Street Youth Center.

They're the people from the toys for Toddler's Drive.

Judge, when we heard what happened to Roz, we had to come down.

We don't want Miss Russell to be in jail.

None of us do.

With the possible exception of Mr.

McCracken.

Miss Russell always taught us to think of others before yourself.

Mister, if you need these toys more than we do...

Put them over there.

Oh, Mr.

McCracken.

Yes, sir, you are perfectly within your legal rights here, yes.

And might I add, on a personal note, I have seen more

compassion in a pile of cow flop, buddy.

I find you ethically bankrupt, morally reprehensible.

And if you had any idea who was saying this to you, you would fully realize and

appreciate the value and quality of this insult.

Well, thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Okay, how do you get out kid slobber?

If you don't mind, I would like to call a courier and have him pick up the rest

of my toys. Oh, be my guest. Hey, but be careful.

Don't get caught in the cord and strangle yourself.

Come on, children.

Let's go.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. This is not

the time for that.

Really?

Boy, Christmas seems to go quicker every year.

No, buddy, it's still Christmas. It's just... Never mind.

Well, that's all right, Harry. I'll come back later.

This is James McCracken. Send a driver to the Canal Street Youth Center.

Oh, McCracken. I almost forgot.

Here.

What's this?

Your Christmas present.

Present?

You can't fool me.

This is a ruse.

It is?

Well, if you already have a ruse, you can exchange it.

Are you trying to tell me you don't know what's in here?

No, my friend Nick made it.

Well, I don't know you or your friend.

What do you do? Just go around giving away gifts to complete strangers?

We're funny that way.

Loses his wits just because it's the 25th of December.

Don't forget your paperwork.

Well, at least I didn't have to send you back to jail, Ross.

I really hated that.

I know you did, sir.

And I'm very proud of what you did.

Joe!

Mr. McCracken.

Take the toys and give them to the kids right now.

Well, we would be glad to do that. You mind telling us what changed your mind?

This.

A yo -yo? But this is not just any yo -yo. This is a 1943 red top

special.

Oh, now it makes perfect sense.

When I was six years old, I wanted one of these more than anything else in the

whole world.

And your parents wouldn't buy you one?

Well, they didn't know I wanted one.

I only told one person.

Santa.

Isn't that amazing?

I mean, what are the odds that Buddy's friend would pick out the exact same

that Mr. McCracken asked Santa for so many years ago?

Hey, wait a minute.

Didn't Buddy say his friend's name was Nick?

Yeah.

As in Saint Nick?

Oh, please.

Come on, it's a coincidence, isn't it?

Buddy!

Hey, buddy.

Oh, hi.

Somebody want to help me finish hanging the last of the broccoli?

Sure, buddy, but first we want to ask you about your friend Nick.

Oh? What about him? What's he like?

Oh, real fun guy.

Kind of jolly?

No, more on the whimsical side, I'd say.

Got a little weight problem, too.

I think he wears that long white beard just to cover his double chin.

Why? These yabos thought that Nick might be Santa Claus.

And you guys are on the outside, huh?

We just thought. Well, we weren't serious.

Well, I gotta go.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas, buddy.

Harry, I'll see you Arbor Day.

Nick, Santa Claus.

That's hysterical.

Although it would explain his red convertible.

What about his red convertible?

It flies.

I want to thank you again for my gift.

I've always wanted juggling balls.

You didn't already have a set, did you? Oh, no, no. No, just these.

And the Indian clubs you gave me last year.

And this is a really neat Prince Charles and Lady Di time.

I just love the way they put Prince Charles at the bottom to make room for

ears.

I guess it's time for me to go. No, no, you can't leave until you've had one

more cup of Uncle Harry's famous Yuletide Grog.

No, no, I couldn't possibly, really. My feet are still numb from my first glass.

Want to share a cab?

I got some packing to do first.

So I guess I should escort you over to the mistletoe and have a proper good

night, huh?

Well, it's not mistletoe, sir. It's, uh, collard greens.

You're right.

So what's the tradition for standing under collared greens?

I think it's a firm handshake, sir.

Only kidding.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Christmas.

Here's to you, buddy Ryan.

Hey, Harry!

I'm covered.