Original subtitles

Who is that magnificent woman?

Oh, that's that model who always does those health club ads.

Only spandex could talk.

How would you like a body like mine?

Well, I'll give it a shot.

I'm afraid my tie is going to hang funny.

Judgestone, that's what the tab says in my underwear.

Walter, watch.

I'm your new public defender.

I'm replacing the late Christine Sullivan.

The late Christine Sullivan?

The deceased are always the last to know.

I beg your pardon?

Walter Watts meets Christine Sullivan.

Hi there.

But this is impossible.

Personnel said she's dead.

I'm sure many of her former dates would agree with you.

says that Walter Watts has been appointed as our public defender.

Wait a minute. I'll bet this is a computer screw -up. Probably happened

put in for vacation time.

Just how long did you put in for?

Well, Mr. Watts, obviously there's been a mistake. We don't need you. Oh, no

way. This happened to me once before. I left before I got the official okay,

lost my job, and my membership in the credit union.

This is ridiculous.

Officially, I have to accept you're dead.

Nothing personal.

Your Honor, it's almost time to start the session.

Well, it'll be a minute, Bull. We have a little problem.

Oh? What is it?

Christine's dead.

Oh, no!

She's not dead!

This must be what they call the denial stage.

Well, when your supervisor does get in, would you please have him call me? Thank

you. I can't believe this. How could anyone think I died?

Is there a history of that in your family?

Excuse me, but I believe you're in my chair.

Well, this is the public defender's seat, isn't it?

Mr. Watt, I understand that this little misunderstanding has put you in an

awkward position, but... Get the hell out of my chair!

Oh, Miss Sullivan, can I see you in the principal's office for a moment?

I know, I know. I apologize for the outburst, sir, but he's in my seat.

Please make him give it back.

I'm sorry, but he has been assigned to my court.

Procedurally, my hands are tied.

Well, what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Could take the night off, look for a headstone.

We've got this little matter cleared up. Why don't you just assist Mr.

Watts, okay?

Fine. I'll just make sure he doesn't get his tie caught in his briefcase and nap

his twerpy little neck.

That's the spirit.

Okay, McNuggets, call him to the post. Yes, sir.

Fever versus Van Slyke.

Disturbing the peace at the United Nations.

Prosecution. Oh, yes, sir. The accused barged in of the General Assembly

screaming something about a plan for world peace as if the U .N. doesn't have

enough to do.

I was only demonstrating Andy's potential to those small -minded twits.

And Andy is his boxer.

Oh.

Hardly a box.

He's my greatest invention.

Andy, tell them who you are.

artificial neuron -developed intelligence.

I am totally objective and completely logical.

Hey, that's me.

You're as good as Senor Wences.

Can you make your fists talk, too?

Rather a personal question, don't you think, sir?

I am not a ventriloquist.

Oh, he's right, sir. He wasn't even in the room when I was tagging that box of

evidence, and it was talking up a storm.

By the way, Mr. Robinson, I have your calculations.

Take Cleveland and the...

Offered to hell.

Child's play is interconnecting neurons, the ultimate extension of artificial

intelligence. In high school, I bet you were one of those geeks who always ran

the projector, right?

Detect insincere vocal intonation and cheap cologne.

Yes, see that?

Andy has made thinking into an exact science.

Never again to be left in the hands of waffling amateurs and those myopic fools

that the U .N. couldn't grasp its potential.

Counselors, what do you say we have a little confab up here, huh?

It seems to me that the professor is not plugged all the way into the wall.

What do you say we let the boys from Bellevue have a shot at this one?

Yes, you holler if this gets too tight.

Yeah, I think so, sir.

Well, I'll take Mr. Van Slyke to the jury box until Matt can contact... The

mental tune -up masters, yes, sir.

That's it.

I'll update the defendant's file, sir. Oh, no, no, no, I can handle that. I

I'd do it. Mr. Watts, I insist.

Is that a spot on your tie? Where? There.

I caught her that one.

I had a set of walkie -talkies when I was a kid, but I lost one.

Still a lot of fun, though.

He takes presence of life form. He void of intelligence.

Where?

What's next, Max?

People versus corny, sir.

Killer? Murderer? Hey, I thought I was doing you a favor.

Gee, can't anybody ever come in here in a good mood?

Come on, give me a break.

I've been in a coma for 20 years.

In that case, you want to bet on the Packers this Sunday?

Your Honor, Mr. Carney, the defendant, had no apparent hope of recovery.

The doctors asked Mr. Higgins, his nephew and only living relative, if they

could pull the plug.

Choking back the tears, Mr. Higgins told the staff, tag him and bag him, Doc.

Yes, Your Honor, Mr. Carney.

One at a time, please.

We'll let the mutant yuppie do one.

Your Honor, two days after the hospital unhooked the respirator, Mr. Carney here

miraculously regained full consciousness.

No side effect?

I'm a little stiff.

I hate to get too technical here, but when did the illegal stuff happen? When

came by the hospital to take him home.

Can you believe it? He hit me right in the vestibule.

Gee, that must have hurt.

The guy showed me no gratitude.

Get me a drain snake. I'll show him some gratitude.

Settle down, Mr. Carney. I'm going to drop the charges against you. In fact,

a little appalled that your nephew can so casually unplug you.

Judgment error.

Human has reached folly conclusion.

What? In a world of depleted... resources. It is illogical to waste

energy to keep one individual alive.

Hey, we're talking about a human life here. I don't think it's illogical to do

everything you can. Sir. What?

You argue with a tackle box.

Right. Case dismissed.

And that's lunch, everybody.

Mr. Watts, please go home. You can't be held responsible for a computer error.

Sorry. Dan, will you please assure this yo -yo I am very much alive?

There you go.

Anything I can do for you, Mr. Carter?

Yeah. What happens to me now?

You're free to go home. No, I can't. They've informed me my home is now a

mall.

Oh, gee, that's awful.

Yeah, I know.

By the way, what is a mini mall?

You've got a lot of catching up to do.

20 years, that's a long time.

Hell, where do you start?

Um... Who spuds McKenzie?

I tell you, Judge, I feel like I've missed half my life.

You have.

Yeah, right.

So, what else has happened the last 20 years?

Well, let's see. You missed out on Presidents Nixon, Ford, and Carter.

Watergate. Hot pants.

Sushi.

Yuppies. Pet rocks.

And about 90 Bob Hope specials.

Poor guy. You slept through the entire sexual revolution.

It's over? Oh, yeah.

for the 80s is, gentlemen, stop your engines.

Oh, oh, I've got to catch you up on the royal family.

Okay, Prince Charles married Lady Di and they had two adorable little boys.

They were a little rocky for a while because he's a little stiff and she

to disco, but we're keeping our fingers crossed.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I have to go get some more coffee. I can't risk nodding off again.

Excuse us.

We're looking for an Arthur Van Slyke.

He's right here.

Mr. Van Slyke. Yeah?

Okay, pal, it's off to the saliva yard.

You're not taking me anywhere!

Let's not make this difficult, Mr. Van Slyke.

Your zipper's down.

Come on, that's the oldest one in the book.

It's not down, is it?

Mr. Garner, are you okay? I think so.

How long was I out that time?

I'm the Pope, if that gives you a clue.

Oh, I don't see how you could have lost him. It's been my experience, sir, that

crazy guys are quicker than you think.

Security, this is Judge Stone. Be on the lookout for a middle -aged man. He's

wearing green pants.

Blue pants.

Blue pants and a green shirt.

Gray shirt. Gray shirt.

with a frayed collar, a torn pocket, and a pretty dopey -looking bow tie.

Bull, how do you remember all that?

Stay back!

Or I'll jump!

Boy, he's pretty sensitive about his clothes, isn't he?

Sir,

he's not by the restroom. He's not in the courtroom. Don't come any closer!

What the hell's going on here?

Whatever you do, don't mention his clothes.

I'm warning you, get away or I'll jump! Oh, come on, don't do that. It's an 18

-story drop.

Human where silly ant has point.

Hey, Your Honor, we... Well, well, what have we here? Another frequent flyer.

Get away, I'm warning you! Okay, that's enough, guys. I will talk to you in the

hall. Mac, you too.

Miss Sullivan, check Van Plank's file. See if there's anything in there that

will help us. Right.

Oh, hi.

Stepping out for a little evening plummet?

Dan, try and help.

Mr. Van Sly.

Listen, I just want... Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, I know you've got a lot on your mind, but trust me, there's no problem

that's worth leaping to your death.

But if you do jump, could you bear left so you don't hit my car?

Trust me, Judge. It'll work.

No. No. We are not going to talk the blonde broad into taking off her top and

enticing him back into the office.

Come on. This guy knows nothing about psychology.

Come on.

Mac, you call the fire department. Tell them we need a net down here pronto.

Will do, sir.

Don't worry, sir. I have a plan. Great.

Plan? Pull?

All right, so, the Chilly Willy cartoon ends. I'm sitting there with a box of

popcorn in my lap. He reaches... That's enough.

Listen, keep talking.

I'm going to go woo my car.

Hi, Miss Van Slyke.

What do you say we both take a deep breath and then you just tell me what's

your mind?

I want to talk to the press.

The press?

That's right.

Before I let you people silence me, I'm going to expose Andy to the entire

world. The networks, the papers, Geraldo.

Sir, the fire department can't get a net down below for more than two hours. Two

hours? It seems they've got three leapers ahead of him.

I'm afraid Mr. Van Slyke is going to have to jump standby.

Well, there's really not much to help in Mr. Van Slyke's file.

Mind if I take a look?

Oh, like I missed something?

Oh, just as a courtesy.

To the living.

Listen, Mr. What?

If I were dead, which I'm not, no court in this country could convict me for

yanking your spine out through your navel.

That's it.

I'm calling the office.

Oh, what are you going to tell them? That you were threatened by a corpse?

Not much fun, is it?

Not having a life, I mean.

Why are you still here, Mr. Carney?

Oh, I was in no hurry to leave, not having any place to go.

Oh, come on. I would think I'd want to celebrate my recovery with my friends if

I were in your shoes.

I don't have any shoes. The nurses threw them out years ago.

Well, your slippers look surprisingly good with that suit.

I don't have any friends left.

Some are dead and the rest all moved away.

Never married?

I haven't been with a woman in 20 years.

But then I haven't brushed my teeth in 20 years either.

So? Where's the media coverage you promised me?

Well, I'm doing the best I can, but there are no camera crews available.

What could possibly be more important?

Big bikini trade show at the Coliseum.

I see.

Well, maybe they'll think this is newsworthy.

Wait a minute, Mr. Best Light.

Don't you think you're being a bit emotional?

This whole world is emotional. That is the problem. Has it helped rid the earth

of prejudice?

Well, no.

Does it help feed all the hungry?

Not exactly.

Has it helped do away with crime in the street? No.

But they've done wonders for the greeting card industry.

You misguided simpletons, don't you see?

I can't run now.

Sure you can.

Just move down slowly, one step at a time. There, wasn't

that... Oops.

Now look what you've done.

Your brainless, irrational actions have destroyed everything I've worked for.

There's nothing left for me but to jump.

events like couldn't jump in the middle of a surprise?

wanted to thank you all for giving me a fitting image to leave with.

Don't do it.

That's not the recommended exit for vacating the premises.

Andy, you're alive.

Incorrect terminology.

I remain functional due to soft landing in dumpster a pasta restaurant.

I left the building and he almost put my lights out again permanently.

Well, look at that, Mr. Benslake.

You can't go now.

You'd... Well, he would miss you.

Impossible.

That's an emotion.

And he's not programmed for such drivel.

That is correct.

See?

Excuse me a moment.

You and I gotta have a talk.

A little weird, isn't it, sir?

You got any better ideas, Mr. Calypso?

It was either that or the hokey pokey.

You listen to me.

I'm trying to save a man's life.

Illogical to save life in overpopulated world.

Well, how would you like to end up as a hunk of scrap metal in some recycling

bin?

I'm listening.

All right.

I want you to come up with any logical reasons you can to save that guy's life.

I have a feeling that he will listen to you.

Mr. Van Slyke, you may recall that Andy was the one who asked you not to jump.

You want to tell us why, Andy?

There are many reasons.

You have extraordinary problem -solving capabilities, and you are an efficient

exchanger of oxygen and carbon dioxide.

I hate this mushy stuff.

I think that means he needs you.

What?

Andy, you're not going soft on me, are you?

It does not make sense to be entirely logical in a world ruled by emotions.

Well said.

I took a shot.

I'm very confused.

Doesn't it make you happy that Andy needs you?

Yes.

For some inexplicable reason, it does.

Maybe I got a little carried away. Maybe I spent too much of my life with

machines.

Comes from growing up over a radio shack.

Well, then maybe a little extra time in that hospital will help you sort things

out. Yeah.

But what'll happen to Andy while I'm gone?

Well, I think we could find someone to take care of Andy for you.

Maybe someone who needs Andy to fill him in on all the things that have changed

in the world over the last 20 years.

You mean me?

Matter of fact, this will be just like having a friend.

Jet Stone's office.

Well, goodbye, Andy.

Goodbye. We'll visit you first chance we get.

Yes, I'd like that.

I should have given him hair.

I always wanted to mush his hair.

Stubble can be attractive.

If you style it right.

Excuse me, when do we resume session?

Not your problem anymore, Walt.

That was personnel. They found their mistake.

Miss Sullivan is among the living.

I am?

Yep. Yes!

All right.

A born -again Christine.

Yeah, where does this leave me?

Oh, you're in good shape, Walt. The computer just gave you nine months

Nine months?

Uh -huh.

Maternity leave.

You're gonna be a mommy.

Well, come along, Andy. You can help me find a place to stay.

May I have a minute alone with Judge Stone?

I'll be right outside.

Judge Stone, I just want you to know I was very impressed with your logic in

handling the recent situation.

Well, thank you very much, Andy. That's the nicest thing a box ever said to me.

By the way, may I ask you a personal question?

Shoot. Who's that babe on your desk with the big floppy disks?