All language subtitles for Night Court s06e07 The Law Club

Please, sir, I'm begging you.

Anything but that.

Come on, boy, all I want to do is cut
off your head.

I don't know what he's done, sir, but
have you considered simply filing a

grievance? I'm talking about a magic
trick. You know, I'm doing that charity

luncheon show for the ladies' garden
club in a couple of weeks, and I thought

it'd be a nifty finale if I decapitated
the bulldog.

You mean you're planning to entertain a
bunch of old ladies by cutting off a

man's head?

Yep.

See a whole lot of blue hair standing on
end.

You're going to get a kick out of it.
And, Boo, don't worry. Your part is

You don't have to do nothing.

Nothing?

Well, when you put it that way, it
sounds like something I could handle.

That's my guy.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Dan Fielding.

So I have to marry men in Manhattan?

Well, he's got a dentist appointment,
but he should be back soon.

Is there something we can help you with?

Well, yes.

I'm George Watkins with the Sutton Place
Club.

The Sutton Place? That's that exclusive
uptown lawyer's club.

We're considering Dan for membership.

Well,

I'll just wait till he shows up.

I assume the coffee's relatively safe
here?

Nothing can live in it, if that's what
you mean.

Can you believe it? Dan and the Sutton
Place Club?

He cut off his right arm to be a member.

Or something else he has to, uh...

Rough time at the dentist?

Oh,

root

canal.

Don't you just hate those?

I don't know what's worse, the needles
full of Novocaine, the grinding, the

drilling, those little wires they jam up
inside.

Well, cheer up, Dan. Fellow's here to
see a name of George Watkins.

Don't worry,

Dan. I'll call him for you.

Hey, mister, Dan's here.

There you are, Fielding.

I finally had a free night. Thought I'd
pop in to observe you in action.

One wide or two.

You know, Dan, it's not too late to call
in a sub for tonight.

No way. I'm not wimping out.

And I was watching from the gallery.

This is all just a matter of attitude.

You got a big goober hanging from your
chin.

People versus Papazian and Peterson.

Prosecution. Yes, sir. Mrs.

Papazian and Peterson were operating a
popcorn pushcart on Park Avenue without

the proper permit.

It is the prosecution's position that
the people must be protected from such

pernicious perpetrators.

How am I doing?

Fine. Nice, even spray.

Defense? We plead guilty, Your Honor.
All right. $25 fine. We'll suspend the

sentence. And we'll reconvene in five
minutes.

Weather permitting.

Uh, sir, about that magic trick.

Mm -hmm? What if someone raises their
hand to volunteer before I do?

I'll pick you.

But what if that person really, really
wants to do it?

I'll still pick you.

But what if I freeze up like a deer on
the highway in the headlights of a semi

right before it becomes a furry pancake?

Just don't.

You know, it's amazing how he keeps that
big bus running with nobody at the

wheel.

Excuse me, miss.

Sullivan. Christine Sullivan.

I really admired the way you handled
yourself in that last case.

Oh, well, that's really nice of you to
say, considering I lost the case and I

hardly said a word.

Not what you say, but rather how you
carry yourself in court that speaks

volumes.

Oh, well, thank you.

You know Dan well.

Do you think he's set in place material?

Ah, well... I

can honestly say that I have never met

anyone like Dan.

He is... truly

one of a kind.

Thank you for your candor, Christine.

It's been a pleasure.

For me, too.

Oh, George.

Almost forgot you were here.

Oh, may I say how much I like that suit?

Well, you should. It's the one you sent
me.

You know, Fielding, bribes really aren't
necessary.

Oh, bribes. I would hope that a man
could give a gentleman a gift without

raising the ugly specter of bribery.

Yeah, that would be nice, yes. Oh, good.
In that case, cufflinks?

No, thanks.

Listen, why don't you meet me later for
a drink?

Oh, fantastic. Yes, I'll buy. Let me get
that for you.

Why don't you bring Christine along?

Christine? Oh, George, trust me, I know
she looks cute, but she's got all the

personality of a three -minute egg.

That's funny. I found it quite charming.

And yet beneath that eggy exterior,
there's a gal who could churn the pants

a bishop.

Shall we say nine o 'clock, the Savoy
Grill?

Fantastic. We'll be there.

Great.

Counselor, how about joining me for a
drink after work?

I'd rather run naked through a Teamsters
meeting.

Now, Christine, I know we've had our
disagreements in the past, but let's be

adult about this.

Please!

You've got to help me good and good with
George.

George?

He's going to be there?

Listen, I promise, if you do this one
favor for me, I'll never ask anything of

you again as long as you live.

Well, he's kind of cute.

Okay. You'll go?

Uh -huh.

Oh, fantastica!

Life is good.

Mr. Walton, believe me, I love free
entertainment as much as the next guy,

we have to draw the line at certain
kinds of puppet shows.

for another curtain call.

That's all, folks.

Miss Sullivan?

Oh, yes, sir. Look, I got a couple of
extra tickets to the show tomorrow if

want to come.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I've already made
plans for tomorrow.

Oh, too bad.

Mac, good news. You can bring five
friends.

Come on, Bull. Let's go practice our
magic trick. Sir, I've been thinking

Oh, come on, Bull. I'm not going to cut
your head off. Hell, I'll be wearing my

best suit.

Oh, you seeing George again tonight?

Uh -huh.

You've been seeing a lot of him these
past two weeks.

Uh -huh.

So I guess you two are really hitting it
off.

Uh -huh.

Say no more.

Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those
peepers?

Hey, Ross, check it out. She's been
doing that all day.

She's in love.

Some girls sing, some girls hit the
heavy bag.

Peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut
just now, just now. Christine,

I hate to interrupt the hootenanny, but
did George get the champagne I sent over

last night?

Dan, wouldn't you prefer it if the club
were to accept you on your own merits?

These are my merits.

So listen, has George said anything
about me? Anything?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe he said you're
an okay guy.

He thinks I'm okay?

Yes, there is a God.

Oh, hiya, George. Hi, Fielding.

Christine.

Here. A perfect rose for a perfect lady.

Oh, George.

Perfect.

That's just the beginning.

How does dinner at the Royal Plaza
sound?

Dinner at the Royal Plaza?

You two probably want to be alone.

I can't believe it. Dinner at the Royal
Plaza? In the penthouse suite.

I guess I'm old enough.

Okay,

I'll get my coat and I'll be right back.

Very classy, that single rose.

But I wouldn't expect anything less from
a man with such savoir -faire, so

debonair. You know what I'm wondering?
Has the Nobel Prize Committee met yet

this year? Take it easy, Dan. You're in.

I am?

Yeah, in fact, I think we're both in.

We're in, we're in.

Wait a minute, you're already in. Well,
I meant something else. You see, every

year, some of the guys in the club, we
play this kind of game.

Game. Yeah, you might call it a kind of
a sexual scavenger hunt. Yow, sounds

like fun.

Tonight, at the Royal Plaza, Christine
is going to put me over the top. Oh,

but... Sorry, you lost me there. Well,
see, it's very simple.

Different women are worth different
points.

Stewardesses are worth five. A U .N.
translator is worth ten.

And a do -gooder public defender, well,
that'll ring the bell.

Ding, ding.

You know, I had Christine Pegg for a two
-weeker, and I'm right on schedule.

Um, you know, George, I wouldn't be so
sure. I mean, we are talking about a

woman who insists on a, you know, a
blind gynecologist.

I know the type.

You know, all it takes is a little wine,
a little dine, and that hokey single

rose trick.

Oh, I can't tell you how much the single
rose touches me.

Shall we?

Your coach is waiting, milady.

Oh,

George, just a second.

Dan, I know as recently as yesterday I
called you an old poophead, but I just

want to take it all back.

Please don't. No, really, really. If it
weren't for you, none of this would be

happening.

Believe me, I know.

Ding, ding.

Ding,

ding.

Thing of beauty, ain't you, Bob?

It looks so real.

Well, yeah, it's supposed to. It
wouldn't be much of a trick if I

this.

Don't go south on me now, big guy.
That's just to impress the audience.

That should do it.

You know, Harry, I've never been real
lucky with magic.

When I was a kid, I tried to make
nickels disappear into that little

box. Oh, yeah, I started out with that
same trick.

Yeah? Well, I lost $500 trying to get
that right.

Come on, Bo, relax. I've done this
guillotine trick a million times, and

gone over it. What could possibly go
wrong?

You mean besides actually having my head
severed from my body, leaving a bloody

stump with little gooey squiggly things
hanging down?

Yeah, besides that.

Gee, nothing, I guess.

All right, I'm all yours.

That's a spirit, Bo. Come on, just plop
the old melon right down here.

Harry, you got a minute?

Oh, great. Look, Bo, we got an audience.

I think I may have a problem.

You think you have a problem? Oh, feast
your eyes upon the man in the

guillotine. You're going to make me
watch this, aren't you? Uh -huh.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this
razor -sharp blade will drop through the

neck of my willing assistant without
pain, without blood, without any damage

whatsoever. How, you may ask, is this
possible?

Harry. With the protection of Dr.

Congo's magic powder. Yes, Dr.

Congo's. Blended from the berries of the
East Indian mango bush. Picked by

little tiny froggy boys. Oh, Harry,
forget about the damn powder.

No! Harry, I need powder!

No!

No!

Watch, if you dare, as the world of
magic and the immutable laws of physics

collide head -on. The thrills, the
chills.

One!

Sir, can I go to the bathroom?

Later, Bull.

Three!

Oh, my God, no!

My heart's in my throat. Now, could I
have your attention?

Don't you get it, Dan? The trick has
gone awry. I have accidentally cut the

man's head off.

Harry, I've got a real problem.

Okay. Bull, hang loose.

Sure. So what is it, Dan? All right,
first of all, it's not really my

You see, I have a friend.

A friend? I had no idea.

This is serious.

Talking about a deep philosophical
question here. Now, is it ever

compromise another person's welfare in
order to get something you really,

want?

No. Dan!

Dan, hold on.

Is there something specific you wanted
to talk about?

No, Harry, I'm just going to have to
bite the bullet and do what's right.

That's what being a man's all about.

Happy?

Oh, who wouldn't be?

Carriage ride, fabulous dinner.

I don't know how you found a violinist
that knows all of Barry Manilow's hits.

All I can say is if I were to describe
the perfect evening, this would be it.

And I can't think of a more perfect
woman to spend it with.

before entering a building for safety,
you know, fire.

Whoa! Here's a hazard.

We really appreciate your concern. Now,
if you don't mind.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't mind at
all, George. It's just Christine and I

didn't have all this work to do.

What? What kind of stunt are you trying
to pull? Um, it's a legal emergency.

The old Duransky case.

You came all the way down here for a
jaywalking case?

Well, I mean, why not, Christine? I
mean, if we can't go that extra mile for

little guy, what the hell are we in the
business for?

Look, why don't you take it up with her
tomorrow, huh, Fielding? Come on.

All right, all right, all right. All
right, I'll tell you why I'm really

I was home watching the news.

There was a story about a young lady
whose very life depends upon a, um,

transplant.

Now, as I was sitting there watching the
story, trying to fight back the tears,

I thought to myself, who do I know
that's got a great set of kidneys?

Come on, come on. The ambulance is
waiting downstairs.

If I just give you a kidney, will you
leave?

Okay, Fielding, joke's over. We've all
had a good laugh.

Now, why don't you just leave us alone?

Oh, okay.

All right. I'm saying, you know, me.

Listen, I want you guys just to go back
to what you were doing. Forget that I

was even here, all right? Just... Oh!

Oh, my God. That is a nasty spill. Come
on, we've got to get that out before it

stays. Come on, come on. Use cold water.
And, Dad, don't rub.

Come on, I can have you home in 15
minutes. Hey, you know, the Boone

Carson, and I think Debbie's going to
sing.

If I want to hear Debbie Boone, I've got
the album.

I know what this is.

You do?

Yes. You're jealous.

What? Yeah, you've been hitting on me
for years, and you can't stand to see me

with another man, especially a real
gentleman. Christine, look, this is just

game. It's a scavenger hunt. Fielding!

That's enough.

Um, I think it's time for you to leave.
No. Now. But I don't... Get out,

Fielding, or you can forget about the
club.

Can you believe that guy?

I am so sorry.

Shh, shh. We're not going to let it
spoil our evening.

I've thought about it. I don't give a
damn about your club.

What?

Are you serious?

Yes, Christine. It's all a game. A
thick, depraved libido fest.

Look at this. You're worth 50 points in
a sexual scavenger hunt.

I don't believe this.

Neither do I. That would have rated you
much higher.

and this is all just a little
misunderstanding.

It's a joke. You know, guys. I'm not
laughing.

Okay, okay, I'm busted.

That doesn't mean I don't like you.

Why, you creepy, sleazy, slimy,
pretentious,

two -faced horses.

your mouth, young lady.

I really liked him.

He was sensitive and he was romantic.

He even cried when I read him my poetry.

Go ahead, go ahead. It'll make you feel
better.

I can't. It's Wedgwood.

Why couldn't I see this coming?

Well, that's probably because you're one
of those rare people who see the good

in everyone.

You really got to work on that.

All right, now here's a good rule of
thumb.

All men are pigs.

Well, not all men.

Look what you gave up for me tonight.

Well, I wouldn't have to if you weren't
so damn naive.

Yeah, I guess I am a little gullible.

I know Muslim women who are more
streetwise.

You're right.

You're right.

I'm ridiculous.

No, no, I believe everything everybody
tells me. Well, not anymore.

I'm going to be tough.

I'm going to be hard.

I'm going to be a nail.

Oh, no, come on, come on. Here, here,
stop that.

Come on, Christine.

You can keep that.

Look, you are what you are, and there's
no changing that.

Oh, God. There's no hope.

Uh -uh.

That's a good thing.

You know, the people who really care
about you wouldn't want it any other

You really mean that?

Amazingly enough, I do, yes.

I just wish you would stop dotting your
I's with those little heart.

Oh, God.

I have a lot to learn about the way the
world works.

I'll tell you what. If you feel up to
it, I know a real nice place around the

corner that serves a great cappuccino.

And if we get there by midnight, you can
watch me wrestle a live, large, sweet

woman.

Maybe not all in one night.

Dan, sorry about the club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if it makes you feel any better? I
just heard they are being sued by a

feminist group.

What? Yeah, 100 counts of discrimination
and sexual harassment.

To think I could have been part of all
of that.

Unbelievable.

The whole thing was an absolute fiasco.

Everything that could go wrong went
wrong. The only thing Bull did right was

something he was supposed to do wrong.

I take it the magic show bombed out. We
worked on it for two weeks and Bull

still screwed up. My God, what did he
do?

Well, ask him yourself.

Come on, Harry, give me another chance.