Original subtitles

3 % of the precincts reporting presidential candidates Stukakis and

split the New York vote.

23 votes have gone to various right -wing candidates who obviously have no

chance of winning.

Tough break, Mel.

Maybe in 92, eh, babe?

Mel lost again, huh?

Oh, this is a joke, Roz. Come on, you don't think I really want Mel Cormier as

president of the United States.

Cabinet post, maybe.

Keep hope alive, sir.

Yes, indeedy, Mac. You voted yet?

No, sir. I'm going later with Kwan Lee. This is her first time voting since she

got her citizenship.

Boy, she must be real excited.

Oh, yes, sir.

You know, I think we should all take pride living in a democracy where our

leaders are not chosen by the rich and powerful, but by the wisdom of the

man. Harry, I forget whether I'm a Republican or a Democrat.

They can tell you that at the polling place, Bull.

Nah, I think I'll just surprise myself.

Democracy's in good hands, yes, sir.

Have you voted?

Yes, I have. You know, I had a little trouble with the national races, but the

local ones, the decisions were obvious.

Why is that?

Don't forget, dad fielding for state assembly.

Right, I forgot.

Oh, my, you look lovely today. Don't forget, I vote fielding in the vote of

progress for a beautiful baby.

And teething, too.

Dad, you might as well get your concession speech ready because Joan

gonna win.

Joan? I didn't know Hobson was a woman.

Allegedly.

Go ahead, sling all the mud you want, but she's gonna beat you on the issues.

No woman beats Dan Fielding.

Not unless he asks her to.

Doesn't stand a chance. For the last five months, I've kissed every baby in

every backside in my district. Me and my campaign manager have been working day

and night.

How can you afford a staff?

Dad, here's what's left of your campaign clients.

Phil is your campaign manager?

What are you paying him with, aluminum cane?

Phil is a valued member of my campaign. He knows when I'm elected, there'll be a

place for him in my administration.

Open.

While I do believe that what a person does in a voting booth is their own

private business, what you two did goes way beyond stuffing the ballot box.

Fifty dollars in time, sir.

Uh, Dan.

Excuse me? I mean Mr.

State Assemblyman.

Here's the rest of the bumper stickers and the last contribution to the

fund.

Forty -two bucks? That's only three pints worth.

I gave till it stopped dripping.

You quitter.

Well, don't stand there. Just pass these out, all right?

Oh, hiya.

Just a little fielding reminder, and I hope I can depend upon your vote once

you've made bail.

I can't make bail.

Don't panic, everybody.

I was just doing some rewiring, and I accidentally set off the fire alarm.

I screwed up.

I got an idea, Art. Why don't you just tell us when you don't screw up?

I'm going to let that one go right over my head, Your Honor.

Up next, Dave's macaroni.

Assault charges, sir.

John Weary versus Joseph Williams.

Your Honor, Mr. Williams was attempting to enter a polling place when he was

attacked by the swamp thing.

Sir, Mr. Weary was demonstrating against a proposition to put a toxic waste dump

near his home.

Toxic wastes turn people into twisted mutations.

If it doesn't stop, someday we'll all look like this.

Won't be much of a change for you, will it, big guy?

Your Honor, my client claims that Mr. Williams deliberately provoked him.

All I said was, what's so bad about toxic waste?

Next thing I knew, he smeared slime all over me.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You want a toxic waste dump? Sure. A

dump would revitalize the neighborhood.

Toxic waste means money, new jobs.

It means pollution and decay.

Our very bodies rotting before our eyes.

So there's a trade -off.

Just because you're squeamish, don't ruin it for the rest of us.

You poison pusher! Hey, settle down, fellas. Settle down.

Mr. Weary, although I sympathize with your cause, I'm afraid I'm going to have

to fine you because you're the one that started the fight.

Fifty bucks.

Congratulations. I want to let you know that Canada Dan Fielding is behind you

all the way.

Tough break.

But I want to let you know Canada Dan Fielding is behind you all the way.

Thanks.

Gesundheit.

You know, I'm actually glad he entered the race.

With Dan running against her, Joan Hobson's a shoo -in. I mean, who in

right mind would vote for Dan Fielding?

No,

you didn't.

You did!

You voted for Dan?

How could you? He's such an... ick!

That's true, but he's an ick with the credentials for the job.

Oh, yeah, right.

Because he's a man, he automatically has better credentials than a woman. Hey, I

have voted for women before.

For what? Prom queen?

Miss Sullivan, in this case, I happen to think Dan is more qualified.

Why? Because he has a pair of... Pants.

Chicken.

Dan has spent 12 years in the prom... Shooter's office dealing with many of

same issues that he would face in the assembly.

Oh, come on. Admit it. You voted against Joan Hodson because she's a woman. No,

but I'm beginning to think that you're voting against Dan because he's a man.

And because he makes wax impressions of your lingerie.

You know, I think I am just beginning to see Harry Stone's true colors.

And I think you're overreacting to this whole thing. Just like... Just like a

woman. Just like you do whenever anyone suggests you might be wrong. You throw a

fit. A fit?

I throw a fit?

I am a professional in complete control of my temper. Judge. Art, shut the hell

up. We're talking.

What is it, Art? It's probably not that important, sir, but do you remember the

fourth floor?

Yeah. It's not there anymore.

Turns out that that alarm wasn't my fault after all. The fourth floor really

on fire, and now it's out of control.

So, uh, I guess you owe me an apology.

Bart, are you gonna be able to get us the hell out of here?

Gee, I hope so, sir. This building has a perfect safety record. I hate to see it

ruined by some multiple deaths.

Well, we gotta get these people out of here in a calm and orderly fashion.

Right. Okay.

Now, does everybody remember that fire drill we had last month?

Neither do I.

Rosemary!

Art, this door is locked.

Keep going, Sarge.

See what's behind door number one.

This is the morgue.

Sorry, no walk -ins.

We can't get out this way, sir. There's something blocking the doors.

Looks like the ceiling cave den out there, too.

There's debris everywhere.

This is great.

Telling me? I just put a fresh coat of Navajo white on those wolves.

Well, we should be safe here until the fire team can rescue us. In the

everyone just try to stay calm.

That always gets them.

Hey, would you mind not doing that? We have a lot of very frightened people

here, and I don't see much point in making this situation worse.

Yeah, sure.

I forgot what a drag live people can be.

Excuse me, are you in charge here?

Yeah, Chief Coroner Martin.

I'd shake hands, but I'm afraid I'd uncoil about 20 feet of small intestine.

I hate it when that happens.

Excuse me, did you know that the building is on fire?

Yeah, that's what I heard.

And you're still working?

Might as well until the power gives out.

Hope the freezer doesn't go.

These steps will melt like fudgesickles on a hot plate.

If we might focus our concern on the living for a moment, how long is that

generator going to give us air?

A couple hours.

Great. So in two hours, we can freeze to death in the cooler or stay here and

die of smoke inhalation. Okay.

Heads we freeze, tails we die of smoke inhalation.

Hey, Judge, I can't stay here. I haven't voted yet. And there's a ballot issue

that's been keeping me up night.

What's the matter? Your street corner being rezoned?

We'll try to get you out in time to vote.

I wouldn't count on that, Your Honor.

The fire department will not be able to reach us for a couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

Usually those guys are so quick, you can't believe it.

This is not fair.

The last few hours of a campaign are crucial.

Well, I'm stuck here. Joan of Arf is out there campaigning.

Hey, look, here's the TV.

We can watch the returns while we're waiting to burn up.

And in the state assembly race, Hobson has gained on Fielding to make that

contest a dead heat. See that dead heat? I was ahead by six points.

Fielding was ahead by six points, but apparently voters have responded to

Hobson's charges today that Fielding is a wanton philanderer who lacks the moral

fiber for the office.

Yeah, sure. She's got moral fiber. She hasn't had a man since Watergate.

It's not fair.

It's not fair. I was ahead.

This is not fair.

Dan, Dan, if only the voters could see you now, they'd realize what a great

leader you'd be. I know.

Wait a minute. That's it.

If I play this up right, I'll come off looking like a hero.

Bill, baby, you're a genius.

Subject has signs of internal bleeding, ruptured kidney and pancreatic walls,

and massive hemorrhaging.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What was in that?

Bernays. Put what's left in my sandwich, will you?

Hello, WDBC News.

to report that Don Fielding is at the criminal court building heroically

battering the fire.

Don Fielding. Give me that phone.

And he's risking his life to save about a dozen people who are trapped there.

The hero angle is a great ploy.

Fifteen presidents were war heroes, you know.

No.

I always forget Benjamin Harrison.

Doc, are you by any chance barbecuing in the next room?

No.

Too bad, because the fire's ready.

Oh, my God. We've got to stuff up these doors, Doc. We need some rags. Just a

second. Hey, pal.

Put your finger here.

Tell me if this hurts.

Don't you worry, Miss Sullivan.

Everything's going to be just fine.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to placate me with your condescending

reassurance. I'm just trying to help.

Well, I don't need your help. And Joan Hobson wouldn't either if she were here.

You know, I think you're taking this whole thing much too seriously.

To you, anyone who doesn't own plastic poop takes things too seriously.

Oh, so now you're calling me a flake?

If the slinky shoe fits, wear it.

Actually, the Electoral College was created to give smaller states a fair

in national issues.

How do you know all of this stuff?

I work the conventions.

Mac, any news? It beats me.

They made us change the channel.

You guys are watching the Three Stooges? Yeah, and if that's not bad enough,

it's one with Shemp.

Wait, did you see that ocular contusion that Moe just gave Larry?

Listen, buddy, I like a good poke just as much as the next guy, you know?

I'm fighting for my political life here, do you mind?

Hey, back off!

An anonymous caller said a dozen people are trapped in the criminal court

building while a raging fire is above them. That's my report, man. When they

find out I'm a hero, the sympathy boat is going to pour in. The caller said the

victims are being led to safety by the heroic efforts of a Jan Seedling.

Jan Seedling?

Jan Seedling?

Fielding, you impotent windsock! Dan Fielding!

Hey, who turned the stooges off?

It wouldn't hurt you to watch the election returns. It is only the future

country, you know.

Democrats, Republicans, they're all alike once you get them on a slab.

Although Republicans tend to eat more red meat.

See what cheeseburgers can do to your insides?

She's the one wanting to talk politics.

And I'll see your tool.

Raj, you need more cards?

We'll stay with the hand we got.

Two pairs.

Three tens.

And I thought I had a good poker face.

Those firemen must have one hell of a fight on their hands. It's been almost

hours. Well, they better hurry. I don't want my last words to my wife to be,

you've got something in your teeth.

Don't worry, Mac. We're going to be just fine.

Christine's right. You have nothing to fear.

Death is just nature's way of telling you, hey, you're not alive anymore.

When I was a little girl, my daddy used to read me a saying.

You'll live forever as long as someone remembers your name.

That's nice.

Who said that?

I don't know. Some dead guy.

My grandfather used to tell me that when a man's done all he can, all that is

left is to hope that God will see him through it.

Well, God will see us through this, Max.

I know she will.

Come on, give me a break. Oh, I see, I see. So not only do politicians have to

be men, but God does too. Why does God have to be a man? Why can't God be a

woman? Because.

That would be... silly.

Oh, good.

Silly. This from a man who has a collection of antique whoopee cushions.

I don't set a place at my table for my stuffed unicorn.

We now have a winner in the Hobson Fielding Assembly race.

It's in!

The returns are in!

With all precincts in, the final tally is... What? We do?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a projected winner in the presidential

Who cares about the stupid presidential race?

Anybody that doesn't want to worry, don't look at the doors.

Great, now we're trapped in the dark in a burning building surrounded by dead

bodies. I got a client from Jersey who'd pay big bucks for this.

What's that?

Sounds like the ceiling.

Here, fill out this toe tag.

It'll make it easier for the next shift.

Miss Sullivan, I thought you didn't need protection.

Don't. I was just trying to stop you from trembling.

Hey, hey.

Let's not die mad at each other, okay?

Okay.

Are you sure?

Okay, people. Fire's under control.

Right this way, man.

Better hurry. Some of them don't look too good.

You gotta tell me. You gotta tell me. Who won?

The Knicks, 98 -97. Man, you should... Not this stupid game, you hose monkey.

The election.

There was an election?

There you go. Looks like they got your juice back online.

Hey, look. The TV's working again.

You should have thought we'd get this good reception way down here.

I mean, it's like magic.

All over the country, common, ordinary people step into a little booth and pull

a lever, and the next thing you know, poof.

Some poor sap gets his brains beat out.

You lost, didn't you?

By how much? One vote.

Oh, gee, Dan, that's too bad.

Sorry for you, Dan. I mean, losing is tough enough, but by such a small

Yeah, if it wasn't for this fire, I'd have voted for you. Me too.

And with both our votes, you would have won.

If I hadn't voted for that woman instead of you, at least it would have been a

tie.

You voted against me?

Sorry, but I thought your position on tax incentives for commercial renovation

partnerships was biased and potentially inflationary.

I guess you underestimated the mutant vote.

Eh, Dan?

Longest my condo to buy radio time I hired.

Add men to write slogans. I slurred my opponent's patriotism. And now I lose on

an issue.

Oh, tough way, Dan.

I was going to be a state assemblyman, man. Oh, I know, big fella.

Sit on one of those cute little desks.

Newsflash. There's been a recount in the Fielding -Hobson race.

Huh? Due to an error, one vote was not counted. A vote cast just as polls

closed. That final vote was for Dan Fielding. The race is now... it's I.

Yes, the people have not spoken.

A runoff election will determine the outcome.

Dan, you were right.

Slander was the king.

Matt, I wonder if the guy who cast that last vote knew what a difference he

made. I doubt it.

They found him by the poll booth.

Must have croaked right after he voted.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I want you to know that I'll do everything I can to defend the rights of

dead.

What was it, a heart attack?

Suicide.

I can't stand living in this crummy city another day.

So as a final gesture of my contempt for New York, I'm voting to put that scummy

worm Dan Fielding into office.

Fielding and New York deserve each other.

Goodbye.

And good riddance.

What a tribute.

Of course, we can use this in a runoff campaign.

The Big Apple deserves a worm like fielding.

You know, Phil, this campaign's going to be tough and it's going to cost a lot

of money.

We're not willing to fight as long as there's blood in these veins.

We're not still fighting, are we?

No, I guess we kissed and made up.

Yeah, I guess we did.

You know, now that the danger's over, I don't even remember what we were

fighting about.

Me neither.

Harry, you said Christine was a flighty airhead, and Christine said you were a

sexist pig flake.

Thank you so much, Paul.

You never called me a sexist pig flake.

Not to your faith, no, sir.

You know, we may not agree on everything, but I did say some things

I could take back. Yeah, I did, too.

But then there were some things I said that I wouldn't want to take back.

Oh, really?

Like what?

Like the idea that women are more emotional than men. Uh -huh. I think

And I'm glad of it.

I mean, I don't know whether it's background or upbringing. I just... I

women have more heart.

Actually, a man's is about 25 grams heavier.