Original subtitles

Previously on Night Court... So happens I am an officer in the United States

Army Reserves.

Get out of here!

And it's true, as a matter of fact, I've been in the reserves for five years. I

mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer.

Like going to the bathroom.

I'm going to need some time off.

Well, sure, when?

Immediately. I have a two -week assignment overseas.

Well, that sounds neat. Where are you going?

a war zone.

I'm going to find a way out of this if I have to wet every bed from here to Fort

Dix.

They cannot make me fight.

Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it?

You'll never get away with this, Dan.

You don't think so, huh?

Well, I got x -rays that say different.

According to these, you've got a bell around your neck and four stomachs.

What is all that crap you're wearing?

Ah, this? Nothing. It's nothing. I was driving to work and I was hit head -on.

And rear -ended.

And sideswiped.

I think we've got us a shirker here.

Let me take care of him, ma 'am.

All I need is a grenade and a funnel.

I've got something much better in mind for him.

I hope you like cold weather. Is it a singing telegram?

Afraid not.

There'll be a big tip in it for you. Okay.

U .S. Army sadly states sometime yesterday Captain Fielding's plane went

north of Putson Bay.

Well, Your Honor, have you decided on lunch yet?

Not yet. I gotta finish signing these warrants.

Your Honor, this is a menu.

You just ordered the release of the seafood platter.

He had no choice, Max. Haven't you ever heard of a writ of habeas corpus?

I'm sorry, sir. I was just trying to perk things up a little bit.

Things have been so gloomy around here since Dan... Since Dan... Since Dan's

plane did a half -gainer into Mr. Glacier.

We don't know that for sure.

Christine's right. After all, the Army's searching the entire area with the best

equipment and the best trained men in the world.

Come on, even if Dan survived the crash, he's lost in an icy wasteland where

temperatures could make steel girders snap like pretzel sticks.

See?

Dan! Dan!

We treated you so badly.

To think...

I once refused to lay under his car so he wouldn't get any oil on his parking

space.

Judge Stone, this came for you.

Thanks.

Oh, come on, Phil.

It may not look so good now, but I know in my heart that Dan's alive, and I will

laugh in the face of anyone who says different.

Me too.

The U .S. Army has just officially listed Captain Dan Fielding as missing

presumed dead.

I guess you weren't up to it, huh?

What are you doing? I'm keeping Dan's desk sparkling clean for when they find

him.

My God, is that what I look like?

Phil, Dan's been missing for over two weeks now. It's possible they won't ever

find him. Oh, I know in my heart they will, Raj.

I've kept a candle burning for him 24 hours a day.

God,

I hope they find him soon.

Don't you worry, Phil. Dan is coming back.

Christine, you shouldn't lead him on like that. I mean, you saw the pilot's

account from when they pulled him off the ice floe. Oh, yeah, some account.

Fielding wouldn't jump.

I think the important thing is the last time the pilot saw Dan, he was alive.

And promising God that he would stop hitting on recently widowed women.

Miss Sullivan, it's a wonderful thing to have faith, really. But then the time

comes when we've got to face facts.

I always face facts.

You? Come on, you're the one who's waiting to hear the outcome of the

recount.

Admit it, you think Elvis is still alive and running a bait shop in Florida.

Michigan.

Here are the facts.

Dan Fielding's plane went down in the middle of an Arctic blizzard.

And if the weather didn't finish him off, you can bet that the polar bears

Not necessarily, sir.

I saw a show on TV where this scientist was attacked by a polar bear. He rolled

himself into a ball and the bear just played with him for over an hour.

There you go.

Then it ate him.

Sullivan. All right.

I guess I just have to face the truth.

Dan Fielding is dead.

Well, at least we're in a better place now.

Oh, baby, you know what I like?

I guess we should lay off the sushi.

Whatever I promised you, it's off.

back at you.

Oh,

who love what you've done with the place.

So, here we are.

Any idea where that would be?

You are an island on what your people call the Arctic Ocean.

Arctic? Oh, yes, of course. The last thing I remember is hitting the water.

How did I get here? We hunt. We see Bobo poke you up on shore with snout.

Well, that explains the dream about the naughty usherette.

You alive because of Nami Lama.

Aha, Nami Lama.

She shall bed with you for 14 sleeps, cradling you in her bosom and arms,

keeping you warm with her body heat.

Whoa.

He must put out, what, 16 ,000 BTUs there.

my arm.

Make Bobo very jealous.

What is your name, stranger?

Dan, Dan Fielding. Oh, nice to meet you, Dan, Dan Fielding.

I am Kumuk.

Kumuk, lovely. That was my mother's name. Listen, I would love to stay here

get to know each and every one of you like brothers, but I gotta run.

You get to show me where my stuff is.

Oh, most destroyed and crushed.

The only things we found were this flare gun and pictures of these poor young

women who cannot afford clothing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They're a very warm -blooded bunch. Now, I really do have to run. Could you just

show me where the nearest phone is? My cousin has food.

Oh, great, great. Where's your cousin?

Seattle.

Seattle.

How the hell do you people stay in touch with the outside world?

My snow plane.

Well, that's great. When does it get here?

In morning.

Fantastic. When's morning? Next April. Sharp.

April?

You mean I get to spend the next six months with the slush family Robinson

How the hell do you people survive up here? I mean, what do you do for

and showers?

Toilet paper.

Ah.

Old Eskimo joke.

Coming through.

Where do you want this put, Your Honor?

Well, that depends, Bull. What is it?

Dan's estate.

The office manager ordered Dan's things cleared out. So this is what happened.

Your whole life ends up in a cardboard box.

I don't know. It seems sort of appropriate. Most of that stuff started

plain brown wrapper.

What the hell is this?

I don't know, but I wouldn't touch it without rubber gloves.

I found this on Dan's desk, Your Honor. It's addressed to you.

What is it?

Looks like a will.

It's dated the 11th.

The day before he left.

You suppose he had a premonition?

Could be.

Or maybe he had a feeling something bad was going to happen to him.

Read it, sir.

I, Dan Fielding, being of sound mind and sculpted body, do hereby bequeath my

property as follows.

To Bull Shannon, my favorite meltdown survivor, I leave you my magnifying

mirror. Oh, boy!

Neato! My nose hairs look like tree trunks.

To Roz Russell, I leave nothing.

I know you hate these smarmy emotional scenes as much as I do, and if I did

you something, you'd probably just turn around and sell it anyway.

To Mack Robinson, I leave all my suits so that he'll stop wearing those god

-awful sweaters.

Oh, that's great.

Now I've got something to wear to all those cotillions I'm invited to.

To Christine Sullivan, I guess now I can admit that what you've always suspected

was true.

I really only wanted one thing from you. Oh, jeez, Dan, even now? What a jerk!

Your respect.

Of course, I meant jerking the nicest possible thing.

I found you to be a keen adversary who forced me to be a better lawyer.

I leave to you a jewelry box, an heirloom handed down for generations in

family.

It's beautiful.

To Harry Stone.

Every night I'd watch you juggle or perform a magic trick or just plain

the dickens out of everyone.

How I kept from puking all over your bench, I'll never know.

Actually, I do know.

Because you were also the fairest and most capable jurist that I ever had the

honor of working with.

For that, I leave to you my

heartfelt gratitude.

I think we've... We might have misjudged Dan Fielding.

Dan, if you can hear me, I want to apologize for not seeing your decency in

humanity.

Wherever you are, Dan, God bless you.

I can see the inquirer now.

Man cops feel from beyond grave.

What? Oh, right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Here.

You know, I had a girl like you once.

Of course, she had longer whiskers.

Stop there at the office?

No, have a good day.

Catch many big fish.

All except for not the... Oh, not the classic case of salmon envy.

Probably don't mind while you're around. I kind of made myself at home.

That stuff's not too bad. What is it?

Whale face.

That's it.

I can't take this anymore.

I am used to four -star restaurants. with gourmet cuisine.

You people slap your mackerel against a rock. You call it dinner.

I can't live like this. I want to go home.

Oh, you two tense, Dan Dan feuding.

Relax. Why not take a roll in the pelts with Nami Lama? Make Nicky Wicky.

I'd rather make Nicky Wicky with a seal.

Don't get your hopes up.

You don't find me desirable?

No, no, it's not that.

Well, it's not just that.

Nami Lama! Dan, Dan Fielding, you make Nami Lama sad.

I can't sleep with another man's wife, for God's sakes.

Not unless it's behind his back.

It is our custom to share everything here. This is how we survive.

You have insulted us.

You are business end of reindeer.

Well,

I guess I deserve that.

weren't for you people.

You saved me.

You shared with me your food, your clothing.

Brought me into the warmth of your home.

What's that noise?

It is airplanes.

Hallelujah! It's been a lot of yucks, but I'm going back to people who have

more important things to do than drain a walrus.

If you're ever in New York, my real name's Ed Koch. Look me up.

Ghost, ghost, are you?

Give me five.

Careful, I'm afraid I busted up my hands when my plane crashed through that ice

pack.

I understand I have you to thank for that.

Yes, I am terribly sorry. It was a mistake.

Mistake? Hell, I owe you one.

Thanks to you, I got to experience free fall from 1 ,500 feet with enough G's to

peel the skin right off your face.

Any time.

Gordon Mooney's the name.

Uh, Dan Fielding.

So, you're not from around here, are you, Fielding?

Uh, no, I was just up looking for a little summer place off the bay.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

The U .S. Army Reserve is from New York.

Oh, you're the one. They were looking for you.

Oh, good, they are.

No, no, they were.

By now, they think that you're either drowned or you're polar bear droppings.

Dr. Mooney has a million of them.

You're a doctor?

I'm a bush doctor, Fielding.

I treat every Eskimo for a thousand square miles around here.

I deliver their babies. I mend their broken bones.

Why, come on. You look completely healed.

What was wrong with him?

Freak harpoon accident.

It's our anniversary.

How sweet.

The gift that keeps on oozing.

Mooney. Go to Mooney's plane. Bring back Mooney's radio.

Give a radio.

Bobo, Moody has a radio.

Fantastic, of course. You have a plane, you have a radio.

It's the only way to find the really good stories.

Hi, everybody.

My God, a real woman.

With all her teeth.

I see the stranger has risen.

Oh, boy, yeah.

I'm Dan Fielding. I'm tall.

I'm a lawyer. I drive an expensive car. You believe in destiny? I do.

Come, let me show you the fjords like you've never seen them. If we hurry, we

can just catch the whales mating.

Was that a yes?

Yeah.

Well, we're all set, sir.

Everybody has been notified about Dan's memorial service.

Well, isn't this great, the way everyone's getting involved with this,

yes, sir.

And did you see that the flags are at half -mast at every adult motel in town?

The man touched a lot of people, Mac.

Now, that needed to be said.

You know, never in my life did I think I'd be making the arrangements for a

memorial service for Dan Fielding. But by golly, let's do it right, huh? I want

Dan to go out with grace and dignity.

Harry, should we open the services with Nearer My God to Thee or the Too Fat

Polka?

That's a tough one, Bull.

Your call.

Right.

Okay, Wally, let's play it safe.

Everybody loves a polka.

What was that about?

Another senseless accordion crime.

How are you guys feeling today?

Oh, like nothing will ever be the same again without Dan.

I'll never again receive a memo that says, regarding my underwear, I'm not

wearing any.

You know how you feel?

It really struck me last night when we arraigned that 300 -pound transvestite

hooker. In my mind, I could hear Dan calling him Puff the Magic Drag Queen.

Yep. Dan could be a little tasteless at times.

Pretty much round the clock.

Yeah, but he was our Dan, and we all cared about him.

We're gonna miss you, Fielding.

Hey, how about we... do Chinese for dinner?

I grieve. I get hungry.

What is it, Dr. Mooney?

It's hard to tell.

Maybe it's just bad piece of blubber.

You're trying to tell me there's such a thing as a good piece of blubber?

Hell yes.

You ever tried it frozen on a stick?

I'll take prime rib at the plaza if you don't mind.

The plaza in New York?

You go there?

Mm -hmm. It's got everything you could want in a hotel.

Except an hourly rate.

How do you know about New York?

Dr. Mone, he bring me issues of Cosmo.

I read all about the city that never sleeps.

All right, easy now, little girl.

I'm not finished with you yet.

This is amazing.

My whole life I dreamed of visiting the Big Apple.

If I can make it there...

I can make it anywhere.

I've made it everywhere.

Except here.

It seems like the most exciting place in the world.

Are people friendly there?

Absolutely. Just don't make eye contact.

Actually, it is the greatest city on Earth. It has everything.

Restaurants, theaters, art galleries.

Of course, it's not sitting by a hole in the ice all day waiting to club a seal,

but... Oh, Doc!

Fielding, help me out here. Yeah, what?

Gently feel around the tender area.

Like this?

He made me do it!

Doc, Doc.

What is it? It's appendicitis.

What? Are you sure?

Well, she's got all the symptoms.

If we don't get that appendix out soon, she'll be rubbing noses with St. Peter.

How the hell are you going to operate on her with two broken hands?

I'm not feeling.

You are.