Original subtitles

Well, Mac, it's a 2 ,000 -foot putt. What do you think?

I'd use your number three woodpecker, sir.

Off with his head!

Hey, Stone, don't you know it's illegal to use a hopped -up ball?

That's it!

Hey, Harry, how do two sailors greet each other?

With a naval salute!

Naval salute.

Oh, yes, sir.

I'm howling on the inside.

Harry, I'd like you to meet Jimmy Cleaver. He's working here now.

Hi, Jimmy. Very nice to meet you. Gee, they're making our interns younger and

younger all the time, aren't they?

He's not an intern. He's a judge.

You are a judge?

Hey, it's okay. I brought a note from my parents.

I'm sorry, Jimmy. I used to get that kind of stuff all the time myself. You

know, when I was appointed, I was the youngest judge ever.

34.

I'm 33.

This is such a thrill for me, sir. I have been a fan of yours ever since I

little kid.

That long, huh?

Sir, you're like a law school legend.

I mean, you're the man responsible for the whoopee podium, the exploding

not to mention my personal favorite, the combustible toilet paper.

Well, it did help the dean set the state high jump record.

Hey, Harry, I think young Jimmy here could use some of your special candy.

Sure, sure, sure.

Hey, Jimmy, maybe you'd like to try a little...

Peanut burrito?

Oh, sure, I'd love some.

Gee, that used to just jump right up.

My world and welcome to it.

You know, sir, the new ones don't do that.

They have microchip -controlled titanium springs.

Oh, well, that's great if you want one that...

works every time.

That's my texture. Without it, today's prankster is a dinosaur.

Well, I gotta go be a judge.

Good luck, Jimmy.

Real nice meeting you. Real nice. Real, real, real nice.

I hate his guts.

Where does he get off being so young?

Come on, Harry. Don't be such a fucker butt.

You know, After 68 years and three heart attacks, I can tell you fun is the best

revenge. Here.

Blow my brains to Brooklyn.

No, I'm not in the mood.

Ah, come on. Your mother wears combat boots. Forget it.

Your head is shaped like a bedpan.

It ain't gonna work.

Mel Torme is a woman.

Harry, do you mind if I... Two thousand bucks a week, my lips are sealed.

I can't stand how gloomy Harry's been since Judge Sims died.

It just tears my heart out to think he blames himself.

It wasn't Harry's fault.

He just... Pulled the trigger and Judge Sims dropped dead.

Dan, the doctor said that the dark gun had nothing to do with it. He died of a

heart attack.

We gotta do something to cheer Harry up. The last two weeks he's been so...

unspunky.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session.

The formerly fun -loving, but lately pretty darn depressing,

Merrill T. Stone presiding.

Be seated.

Or stand up. I don't give a damn.

Sir, look, you've got to get Judge Sims out of your mind. I can't, Mac.

They did such a cheesy job putting up the dent in his forehead.

Try to bear up, sir.

First case, people versus grubs.

Attempted robbery.

Judge, sludge.

Don't fight the feeling, sir. Any joke you can come up with, just let her rip.

What's the charge?

Oh, I can't stand it.

Oh, you're back, sir.

Mr. Prosecutor? Yes, sir. Well, the Wizard of Ooze here...

Continue. Well, he robbed a tour boat,

and while trying to make his escape, the Duke of Oil...

Caught in the ship's tow line and was dragged through six miles of raw sewage.

The muck stops here.

Well,

sir, my client pleads guilty, but he does pray that you will let him... Let

off the... Let him off the...

over for trial?

I'm the defender.

Put a sock in it.

Sorry.

That's it?

I stay conscious for three hours to hear the legendary Harry Stone?

And that's the best you can do?

Where's the scintillating repartee?

I'm real sorry, sir, but this is not the time or the place for mindless

frivolity.

The wheels of justice.

Look, Cleaver. Hey, nice robe, Judge.

Is that silk?

They give us new and alert judges polyester.

Forget the robe, Cleaver.

I will not have you disrupting the solemn dignity of my courtroom.

Whoa, this from the man who once presided in a Puff the Magic Dragon

Well, that's true, but there was a pretty darn good reason for that. It

Mac, what was the pretty darn good reason for that?

Your King Kong suit was in the cleaner, sir.

See?

But recent events have shown me that life is not a game.

These people want more from their judges than just cheap sideshow theatrics.

Well, then I guess they won't want to see me eat a flaming gavel.

Big deal. Harry's done that a hundred times.

No, he hasn't.

Oh.

So the nun says 20 bucks. Same as in town.

Boy, he sure is charming the crowd.

Oh, that's nothing.

Harry's got more charm, more charisma, more pizzazz than any three of him.

Dag nabbit, they were out of prunes.

Settle for bran buds.

Bran buds?

Yeah, roughage, Mac, roughage. You be good to your colon, it'll be good to

It's good to have a hobby.

Abracadabra.

I can't believe anybody would find that funny.

Thank you.

So, you've, um...

given me a woman's chest. Very

funny. I'm surprised you didn't...

Excuse me, I'm going to go check on something.

Say, Judge Stone, why don't you try one?

No, thanks. I make it a practice never to follow an erupting bosom ass.

Come on, you can do it, sir. I don't want to. You have to. Come on, give the

a break.

Let him wander off to pasture gracefully.

No hard feelings, Judge.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, Cleaver, let's shake hands and be friends, huh?

Whoa! Well, what do we have here?

Is this a prehistoric joy buzzer?

No offense, Judge, but this is the 80s. Let me show you the state of the art.

Good, because I don't fool easy.

That's enough.

Stop.

Bull, are you okay?

You got a cigarette?

The wave of the future, Harry.

Wake up and smell the rubber bar. Now, hey, wait a minute. Now, you cannot talk

to him like that. He can out -joke you with one whoopee cushion tied behind his

back. Yeah, if he wanted to, he could pull a stunt that would make your jaw

scrape your toenails. Well, that sounds like a challenge.

You're darn tootin' it's a challenge!

The two of you, head to head, and may the best joke win.

What do you think, Judge? A battle of prank?

I'm game if you are.

Well, I'd love to, I'd love to, but you know, I've got this darn irregularity.

Hey, hey, I understand. You're just not feeling up to it.

Well, I gotta go.

I hear my first case is a skydiving hooker. So much for free fall.

Sir,

I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge.

Where is your pride?

Rip his guts out and use them for garters, sir.

Metaphorically speaking.

Don't you guys understand?

I don't want to beat Cleaver.

I just want to spend my...

Few remaining days in peaceful contemplation.

What's that?

Coming from Cleaver's briefcase.

joke challenge i had no idea they were going to booby trap the whole place

and he dislodged that carpet tack.

Hi, Matt.

Evening, ladies.

How's the battle zone?

Frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it.

Yeah, just once I'd like to sit in a chair without sounding like my Uncle

after Thanksgiving dinner.

I talked to Harry, but I haven't seen him.

Hi, guys!

Harry!

Ha -ha!

Oh, I know you're disappointed because I went up to a buck and a half, huh?

Oh, Harry, it's so gratifying to see you back to your mindless juvenile ways

again.

Pretty neat disguise, huh?

Cleaver can't catch me if he can't find me.

Matt, get the women folk to cover.

I'm tired of all this pussy hooting around, Stone. Let's go for the big

One shot, one joke, winner take all.

Fine with me, beaver.

You got enough gumption, boy, to make a little wager on who's gonna win?

Or are you yellow?

I'm a man.

Hard as nails, tough as a two -bit steak.

And if I win, I wanna go to the circus.

If I win, I want one of those nice silk robes. Kind of symbolic, you know, the

changing of the guard.

Okie doke. Good. Your courtroom tonight.

9 .15 exactly.

9 .15 tonight.

Fine.

For what?

That is when I'm going to prove once and for all which one of us is the real

nabob of nuttiness.

Because you'll know where it's going to happen. You'll know when it's going to

happen. But you won't know what's going to happen. And there ain't nothing,

nothing you can do to stop it.

Sir,

I don't like this.

I don't either, sir.

Oh, come on now. What's the worst that could possibly happen?

The motorcycle gang broke his fall.

All

rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Perhaps for the last time.

It's almost 9 .15. Mac, how's it look?

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

me and stay low.

Does everything check out?

It's perfect.

Too perfect.

Don't let your guard down.

Right.

Okay, we might as well get started.

How's the docket?

It's busy.

Too busy.

That's easy.

Just call the first cake.

Yes, sir.

People versus bogs, sir.

Mr. Prosecutor.

Uh, yeah, she was arrested for selling flowers without the necessary permit,

sir.

What are you doing, Dan?

Do the words innocent bystander ring a bell?

Get it up here, Fielding.

Defense. Your Honor, my client is merely a flower lover who happens to sell an

occasional bouquet on the street to help pay her rent.

Clever, didn't you, Cleaver? You didn't think I would know that the flowers

contained an incendiary device.

Because, because, because they, because they, they don't.

I think I'm going to faint.

Must be glad you weren't selling kittens.

Getting a little nervous, Judge Doan?

Who, me?

Your hollow threats don't frighten me, Cleaver.

Sir? What?

Ten seconds. It'll be 9 .15.

Quick, sir, sign this.

What is it? An organ donor card.

Five seconds.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Oh, you made a lot of noise. Yes, you made a lot of noise. But in the end, you

couldn't unthrone the champ.

Ten -minute recess.

Gotcha.

It's not over yet.

Yeah, it is.

What? Well, I can't top that.

Nobody could top that.

So you're just giving up?

I'm not giving up. He beat me.

Congratulations, champ.

I'll go get your robe.

The one you're wearing will be fine, Judge.

What? You can't just take the robe off the man's back.

At least leave him a little dignity.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

I hope you get a rash.

In that secret place I can't bring myself to mention.

Unbelievable.

I never saw that coming.

Sir, don't worry about your bench.

I have a TV tray you can use until you get a new one.

Thanks.

It has Care Bears on it.

It's not the bench, Miss Sullivan.

It's me.

Do you know what the odds are against a stunt like that working?

They're astronomical.

I never would have tried something like that.

Of course you would have, sir.

Oh, no, not anymore.

I wouldn't have had the confidence.

Good God, Miss Sullivan, I am not young anymore.

Well, sir, none of us can stay the same age, but there are a lot of

compensations for getting older.

Well, it's given me a certain measure of experience and the wisdom to accept my

limitations and the cunning to lure that little twerp right into my

trap.

So, how's the robe look?

You look very judicial.

Wait a minute.

Something's happened.

You may be faster. You may even be smarter.

But you will never, ever be crazier

than me.