Original subtitles

Bitter sweet.

Free love.

I understand.

Yeah, that's a good one, too.

You know, I'm really worried about Roz. That disciplinary hearing is taking

forever. What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell and

yanked him out.

Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do

with it.

Hello. Oh, hi, Roz. Talking about you. Roz, how'd it go?

Did they suspend you? No.

They fired you?

See for yourself.

Although Bailiff Russell did not use excessive force, the committee

feels that she is volatile and lacks sensitivity and hereby orders her to

in encounter therapy within 10 days.

Now quit first, volatile and insensitive.

They call me volatile and insensitive? Ha!

Spare change?

I'll go get the mop, yes sir.

I am so excited. I've never been to a psychology encounter group before.

Well, I just hope Roz gets something out of it.

You know, sir, I think the way you convinced her to come here showed a real

insight into her nature.

Let me go, damn it!

Come on, Roz. Now, you promised that you'd come to this thing if we all

volunteered to join you, and we did.

Volunteer? The man's got my wallet.

Well, the deal's off if Dan doesn't show.

You rang?

Who have we here? The naughty professor?

Dan, what are you dressed for?

Emotionally vulnerable women.

They eat this sensitive crap up.

You see these elbow patches? They're like magnets.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't believe it. You mean you actually come to these meetings to hit

defenseless women who are dazed by their vulnerable emotional state?

Best pickings ever.

Look, it's five minutes after eight. You sure we're at the right place?

Well, if it will make you feel better, let's go check.

Hi, miss. Excuse me. My friend and I were wondering, is this where the

group meets?

I'm cursed with hair from...

Well, this might have some promise after all.

You make me puke.

Puke.

Puke.

Just kidding, Groot.

Now, what can we grok from my little display, hmm? Well, I'd say that's

obvious to anyone who knows what the hell a grok is.

It's a sudden flash of insight derived from a profound empathetic experience.

Or if that sound my stomach makes after I chug a Mountain Dew.

In a semicircle, everyone.

Chop, chop. You'll find your name tags on the chair.

Now, tonight, class, we're going to look deep, deep into ourselves and see who

really lives there.

Is it Mr.

Angry? Or is it Mr.

Happy? Always painting a rainbow.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

I'm Ward, and a new state of consciousness is just around the corner.

Roll it in a ball, Ward.

Ah, now, whom are we choosing?

I'll take bachelor number one.

Touch therapy time. Everyone, stand and join hands.

If we do the hokey pokey, I'm history.

I need two volunteers.

Very nice.

Now, would you please embrace?

created a safe haven. I want you, Troy, to draw on Mac for strength, and I want

you to dig, dig deep down and reveal your inmost, darkest secret, something

you've never told anyone.

I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.

I've been a weekend cross -dresser for the last six years. And next week, I'm

having my sex change operation.

I wasn't expecting that.

And, Troy, did you feel safe making yourself vulnerable here in Max Arms?

Felt good, Ward.

Real good.

That's it. I'm going to steal a car and leave.

All right.

Hey, hey, Matt.

Braz, we all went to a lot of trouble for you. Now you sit back down.

Ah, do I sense some hostility?

No, no word, no hostility. We just all agreed to come down and help out our

friend. Technically speaking, sir, you agreed.

The rest of us were forced to be here.

Well, what the big guy means to say. Does he always speak for you people?

No. Yes.

What are you talking about?

Well, sir, if we're going to be perfectly honest, you do speak for us a

do I?

And force us to do things we don't want to do.

Trouble in paradise?

Whoa, whoa, now wait a second. We're supposed to be here to help Roz. I think

it's time we got back on the subject. I think we're just finding out what the

subject really is, aren't we, group? Oh, yeah.

Hold on a second. Hey, hey, hey, put a stick in your bridge here.

People.

Are we forgetting what a saint we have here?

Dan, it's off -duty time, and it's off the record. You can say what you think.

You're a domineering, overbearing, petty tyrant.

My liege.

You make me sound like Mussolini. I never push anybody around.

Miss Sullivan, tell him.

It's not like you're being held at gunpoint.

Nobody moves.

I stand corrected.

No one is going to hurt you, so let's just stay cool, huh? Look, I got every

in town after me for armed robbery, so just shut up and maybe I won't waste

Somebody needs a hug.

Okay, here's the plan. I'll talk to him again. While I got him distracted, Mac,

you call the police and everyone else cover Mac.

Boss, boss, boss, right to the end.

Just thinking of your best interest.

Joseph Stalin, 1949.

Just trying to set a good example.

The next one who moves is going to get a bullet in the head.

You're in some kind of trouble, aren't you?

Who the hell are you, Mr. Freaking Rogers?

No, I'm a mental health professional.

Lord, how about you let me deal with this? It's really more my area.

So we're talking for me now, too?

Got a name?

I got a name.

I'm Harry.

But then aren't we all?

Shut up.

I'm just trying to help. Well, then get out of my face.

Now, come on, you people. Do you have any idea what kind of pressure I'm under

here? Ever play varsity football in a push -up bra?

I'm not trying to pressure you. None of us are trying to pressure you. It's just

important that you don't do anything stupid like panic.

Yeah. Well, you better tell that to those cops out there, okay? Because this

one hombre who shoots back.

Listen, you're just going to have to trust me. These men are trained

professional peace officers.

The last thing they'd want is bloodshed. Clear those ambulances from the alley.

The armored assault vehicle can't get through.

You know what this means?

Yeah. Now we can do shadow puppets.

God,

it is true.

What is true?

How a hostage crisis draws people together.

How perfectly natural it seems for two seemingly opposite people to suddenly

feel a deep...

Unexpected attraction for each other.

Trust me, I'm no good for you.

What's the plan, Harry?

I don't know.

In fact, I have to measure my words pretty carefully with this crowd.

Wouldn't want to come off as a petty, overbearing tyrant.

I don't believe you.

This could be our last night on Earth, and you sit there sulking.

Oh, so I ruin this, too.

Well, I can't win.

Cheer up, Harry.

There's a better world to come in.

Well, at least it's always Mac.

Nothing ever fazes good old Mac Muffin. Stop it!

Stop what?

The way you always giving me those food names.

Macaroni, Macaroon, McNugget.

You make me puke, puke, puke.

I'm a man, damn it, not a smorgasbord.

Well, I'm sorry, Mac. I'll never do it again.

I know you won't, because we're going to be dead.

Attention in there.

You have three minutes to come out.

Hey, you, where's that door go? The alley.

And about 17 sharpshooters ready to turn you into fajitas.

Buddy, why don't you just give it up while you still got the chance?

Hey, you cops, don't mess with me. I got hostages in here. I'm going to start

throwing one out every ten minutes.

Can I be first? I have laundry to do.

Bull, he means throw out our dead bodies.

I'll have it sent out.

worst nightmare.

I'm kidding, man. We're going in.

You, everybody, lie down on the floor and kiss the baseboards.

Move, move now.

Stop.

Everybody stand up and walk out that door right now with your hands up.

Hey, I said get down.

And I said get out.

I am warning you.

Trust me, he won't shoot.

Hey, who you gonna listen to? I've got the gun.

But I know where you live.

Come on, Ross.

Go, Harry.

Hey, this guy's dangerous. I'm not gonna leave you alone with him. Go.

Don't you do anything foolish.

I won't.

feed it to you what's with you lady are you crazy look who's talking waving that

piece around at people and you never even fired one before i have two lots of

times oh yeah well you should have seen your face when that thing went off yeah

well the 38 packs quite a kick especially when it's a 44 and pardon me

but i'm an hombre that shoots back and kiss the baseboards with lines on hawaii

50 last night

Incidentally, I thought McGarrett was especially brilliant.

Okay, okay, so I'm a little new at this.

And off to a great start.

Look, lighten up, lady, all right? None of this was supposed to happen.

Well, what did you think was gonna happen when you went in there? They

throw a parade in your honor?

Well, the guy said this was gonna be easy.

What guy?

Some guys in the neighborhood.

You mean a gang?

Yeah, they even gave me the gun and everything.

That's what friends are for.

You know, I thought I could just breathe it. You know, walk in, wave the gun,

score a couple bucks, no big deal.

That's why they call them convenience stores.

Well, the next thing I know, some guy in a turban walks out with a magnum and

starts blasting away like Dirty Harry.

So I run like crazy.

And I end up here.

With oxygen.

Congratulations. Now you're not just an armed robber, you're a kidnapper. Okay,

lady, just lighten up, all right? I didn't want to be here.

Things just got screwed up.

So fix it.

Give me the gun.

No way.

In that case, see you around.

Where do you think you're going?

There's a Don Knotts film festival at the palace, and I don't want to miss it.

You hold it right there. You're not going anywhere.

Don't go.

Does your mother know where you are?

My mom could give a fat rat's butt about me.

I don't even know where her and my dad live anymore.

Oh, a broken home.

Well, that excuses all the gunplay.

Man, you really are snotty.

Just like you work hard at being really stupid.

Oh, you think it's stupid to not want to go to jail? I call it stupid when some

punk risks his life and all he starts is a lousy bag of Fritos.

That's a chilly kind. I hate the chilly kind.

Look, lady, I don't know what to do, okay? I'm confused.

For starters, don't call me lady.

My name is Roz.

And I want to help you.

But I can't do that until you give me the gun.

Why do you want to help me?

I like you.

How come?

You didn't shoot me.

I find that attractive in a man.

But you're not a man, are you?

You're just a baby.

Hey, I'm 16.

Going on five.

Going on gone.

Look, kid, you haven't lived long enough yet, but sometimes you only get one

chance in life at making a bad situation survivable.

And this might be that chance.

Give me the gun.

I'll help you any way I can.

I remember once when I was 16 and feeling depressed over some

boy or something.

I thought my whole world was coming to an end.

Without me even telling her, my mother knew how much I was hurting.

And she came to me.

Rise, she said.

It breaks my heart that I can't fix all your problems.

But it fills my heart that God gave you to me to try.

She sounds like a great mom.

You know, mine could give a damn.

Hey, we can't pick our parents.

Yeah, it's too bad, too.

Because if we could, I'd probably pick you.

I'd wash your mouth out with soap.

I'd rather wrestle rabid rhinos than change dirty diapers or discuss the

of upright vacuum cleaners with a bunch of clients at a PTA meeting.

But if you're in the market for a big sister...

I got some brotherly love and some sisterly advice you might find it

Do you mean that?

Here.

What's this?

My birthday.

And a list of my sizes and preferences.

I want presents and I want them often.

Next time, wrap it.

Come on.

Maybe I can talk him into letting you run the siren on the way downtown.

I'm really scared, Ross.

You should be.

This is gonna be hard.

Really hard.

But we can get through it.

You're the nicest person I ever met, Roz.

What'd you do to get in here?

I hoisted a guy by his Adam's apple.

Don't tell Mom.

And the drunk says to the lady, Hey, you dropped your sign!

Hi, guys.

Hello. Hi, Harry.

Congratulations on the commendation, Roz. That was a good one.

Thanks. How's Jack?

He'll be fine.

He's making me a decorated nightstick in Woodshop.

That's great.

Uh, guys, I've been thinking about what you said to me the other night.

I don't know how much of it you recall.

Oh, you mean about being bossy and pushy. Yeah. Yeah.

And arrogant and always trying to run her life.

But how you're always trying to... What?

Turn us wretched lowlifes into better people, sir.

You know, I'd like to say that there are going to be some changes around here in

the way I treat you.

I'd like to say that, but... I don't have to.

I love my power.

Film Festival, my place Saturday night.