Original subtitles

Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late.

What's the matter, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

No.

It just so happens that the assistant DAs have a pool going this month to see

who gets the most convictions.

By total volume or percentage?

Raw tonnage.

What? Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever

convicts the most flesh by midnight...

wins $2 ,000.

Talking about living off the fat of the land.

Manhattan Public Court Part 2 is now in session.

Your Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Thank you, Bull Pardo. Thank you, friend.

And let's play criminal justice, the game of crime and punishment, where the

fines can double and those sentences can really add up.

McVanna, let's meet today's lucky defendants.

What is that, a joke?

There must be 200 files there.

207, Your Honor.

207? That would normally take us days.

Excuse me, Hoss.

Any chance of me getting out of here by midnight?

Well, that depends on where you are on the docket, Mr... Edwards.

Otis Edwards.

Seems you folks got some kind of namby -bamby law against a man jumping naked

into the fountain of Lincoln Center.

It's to keep the hair out of the drain.

I'm sure you had a real good reason for doing that.

Absolutely. Fellow bet me ten bucks I wouldn't.

Guess you showed him.

And everyone else.

Here it is, sir. Number 207 on the docket. Dead last.

Dead last? Yeah.

Judge, I gotta be in Tokyo tomorrow to sign a contract worth over $30 million.

You jeopardized a $30 million contract for a $10 bet?

I know, it sounds like I got me a longhorn loaf for brains.

But you see, there's just something inside of me that won't let me pass up a

wager. Well, Mr. Edwards, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait your turn

like everyone else. Take a seat and try to keep your shirt on.

And your pants.

Okay, Mac, let's get going. What's first?

Here we go, sir.

First case, refusing an order to vacate people versus sisters Laurie, Moe, and

Carla.

Mr.

Prosecutor, that will be enough.

Slightly!

Your Honor, this is John Morley. He works for the bank that holds the deed

the orphanage run here by the Sisters of Perpetual Poverty.

Judge, he's trying to evict us.

You foreclosed on an orphanage? It's even better than the guy said it would

You know, the Sisters missed a few mortgage payments, and apparently Mr.

Morley's bank feels that $300 ,000 is more important than 84 innocent

It's not the $300 ,000.

The $3 million we can sell the land for.

Judge, can they do this?

Well, unfortunately, if you did default... Hold it right there, Judge.

I got a great idea for a bet.

That's swell, Mr. Edwards.

Could it wait eight hours or so? I'm kind of knee -deep in nuns here. Well,

that's what I'm talking about.

I got $300 ,000 to your nothing that says you can't get me out of here by

midnight.

And if I do?

I pay off their mortgage.

Wait a second. You cannot show him preferential treatment.

Judge.

He's right. We've got to take all the cases in order. All 207 of them. Oh,

we can do it. We'll have to work through our breaks, but I'm willing.

So am I, sir.

Dan, what do you think?

207 cases average 157 pounds per case.

Let's do it for the kids, Harry.

Well, I'm going to make this a $200 fine, and I hope that you have learned

lesson. You may think it's a big joke, but there is nothing funny about

and waving while you're driving. It's grandstanding, it's dangerous, it's

daredevil joyriding, and it has got to stop.

How many so far?

That was number 43, Your Honor.

That's all?

Mm -hmm. We'll never get through 207 cases by midnight at this pace. Come on,

people. We're up here yakking precious seconds of ticking away, and those

orphans are that much closer to being put out on the street. How big was your

bet, Dan? $2 ,000.

And you know what? If I didn't need a big -screen TV, I'd give every penny of

to those wapes.

You are an example to us all. Matt?

People versus the Klemper family, sir.

Assault.

These are all defendants? All 932 pounds of them, sir.

At Mr. Klemper's funeral, they attacked the mortician here without provocation.

Without provocation after what this ghoul put us through?

Your Honor, they just misunderstood my new concept in funerals.

We can't? Well, people are always trying to make death a downer.

I mean, they show up with long faces, crying.

Gets so darn depressing.

That's mourners for you. So it came to me. What's the first three letters in

funeral? F -U -N, right?

What I'm trying to do is put the fun back in the funeral.

Fun? Your Honor, I went to that mortuary expecting to find something tasteful

and dignified. And instead, I find this bumper sticker on my husband's casket.

I'd rather be breathing.

That's not the worst of it. When they opened the casket, the late Mr. Klemper

was wearing a T -shirt that said, Yesterday was the last day of the rest

life.

Mr. Harris, you are charged with selling stolen property in your auction house.

How do you plead? Your Honor, my client would like to plea bargain.

Prosecution? Fine.

Okey -doke. Bargain away.

Do I hear guilty to a misdemeanor, misdemeanor?

$50 fine, $50, $50, $50 fine?

property. Seventy -five, seventy -five, seventy -five, dollar fine.

Seventy -six, seventy -seven, go here, seventy -eight. Going once, going twice.

I'll take petty theft and five days in jail. How about three? Three, I got

three. Three days in jail, I got any dollar, any dollar, any dollar fine. The

old American.

Well, I'll be hornswoggled. That's 18.

you go so long without oxygen.

Mom?

Hey, Dan, Dan, I hear Assistant D .A. McKenzie's got a 960 -pound lead on you.

What? Yeah, he convicted those four huge wrestlers who beat up the ringside

spectators. They arrest people for that?

And the way I heard it, they broke two arms... fractured six ribs, and put a

mother of four in traction for a month.

You just don't want me to win, do you, Harry?

Sir, we are halfway there.

This is case number 100.

People versus Ringer, Babcock, and Dodds.

More stick figures? Can we get defendants with some beef on them up

What happened? Did things turn ugly at the Tupperware party?

Not quite. The charge is operating a phone sex service without a license.

Your Honor, we aren't doing anything wrong. In this day and age, people need

safe outlet for their primal urges.

I don't mean to offend you ladies, but are there really that many people who

like to fantasize while they're talking to... A bunch of old broads?

Okay. They don't know how old we are. I always have a phone persona to heighten

the fantasy.

Hi.

I'm Bent Barbara.

Who, me?

Ah, well, no loss. I'm afraid you're mistaken.

She's right. I know that voice.

Sir, if you finish with the gray panther here, can we get on to the next case,

those little kitties?

Now I know.

Martha is Dick Vasolino.

Well, obviously, yeah.

You can't fool us, Dick.

not after sharing so many of your deepest, darkest, most intimate

So, you must be Christine.

Well,

Mr. DeYoung, according to this police report, you broke into Hennigan's

Supply Warehouse. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Prove it.

Court takes that as a not guilty plea and the defendant is remanded over for

trial. Ross?

Sisters, just want to let you know that everything's going to be okay.

That's very comforting.

We'll do everything we can to keep you and the kids from being evicted.

107 cases is a lot, but we've done it before.

Excuse me, but I think that's 207 cases.

Pray all you

want, sisters.

Come midnight, that orphanage becomes bank property.

People versus Phillips, disturbing the peace and destruction of property.

It was a protest.

It was merely exercising my constitutional right to civil

Your Honor, my client is an animal rights activist.

So what did she do? Stage a protest at an animal research facility?

No, she broke open the lobster tank at Arnie's Seafood House.

Afterwards, she carried the unchackled shellfish outside, put them on the

ground, and shouted to them, I quote, run like the wind.

According to the report, one of them almost made it to a cab.

How would you like to be lured into a cage?

dropped in boiling water, then drenched in butter and laid out in a display

case.

Your place or mine?

I feel that my client's moral views about the animal world mitigates her

actions. If I had rescued a human being from certain death, I'd be considered a

hero. Well, in my opinion, every living creature is worthy of our respect and

our friendship.

though you will, I see no difference between love of people and love of

With you in a minute, hon.

Heba versus Becker, Weissman, Rogers, and Evans, performing in a public place

without a permit.

How do you plead?

Oh, we plead guilty.

We know we're guilty.

Oh, yes, we did it.

So now we're guilty Oh yes we are

They

confessed

their guilt They told no lies But oh how they can harmonize That's a $25

fine But I'm gonna suspend it

got to tell you, I think what you're doing is wonderful.

Well, I ain't done nothing yet.

But if I may say so, that perfume you got on could charm the ticks off a

bloodhound.

Well, that's what it said on the box.

All right, Jim Schaefer.

260, not bad, not bad, but not great. Here, eat up.

I really got to go to the John.

Not until you're convicted. It's a federal law.

How many we got left, Mac? What, say about 35?

Try 81, sir.

Yikes.

He's not giving up, is he? Are you kidding? No judge in all of Manhattan

more heart, perseverance, or determination than Harold T. Stone.

Sure, they've got the cutest, biggest eyes, just like the paintings in a motel

hallway.

Yeah, and poor little Mikey.

He'll probably turn to a life of crime.

Take a good look at him, Judge, because you're going to see him real soon.

No, no, sister, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to

but it's not going to work.

Aw.

And the teddy bear doesn't have...

for you giving up on me. Next case, Mac.

People versus Costanza, sir.

Assault. Sir, my client admits to striking Mr. Murdoch here, but he claims

he had more than sufficient provocation. Well, Mr. Costanza, I'm afraid there's

really no such thing as sufficient provocation for punching someone in

Excuse me, Mr. Murdoch.

Did he just say exactly... Mr. Murdoch.

That's just what he kept doing to me, Your Honor.

And he didn't stop.

I... one.

Don't let my client hit you.

That's the most annoying thing I've ever heard in my life. Don't do that.

Well,

Mr. Costanza, I'm going to reduce the charges to wingtips.

I can't help it. It started when I was six and a neighbor kid did it to me. I

guess it's just contagious.

Well, I suggest you seek some good professional help.

Did you almost just say, now cut that out?

I'm not kidding.

This thing's on the blank again.

What's left, Mac?

Two minutes and two cases, sir. Well, then let us put the pedal to the metal

wait no more. Gotcha. People versus. Wagner.

Prostitution. Positively. Prosecute. Pictures.

Objection. Ground.

Entrapment. Ridiculous. Reason.

Witnesses. Overruled. Darn. Plead.

Guilty. Motion.

Leniency. Granted.

Fine. Fifty. Finished.

Freebie. Forget it.

Sir, we're almost there. Last case before Mr. Edwards.

Only one minute to midnight.

It doesn't make any difference. I'm never going to make it. I'm 318 pounds

behind. People versus Riley, petty theft.

Sweet job of the heart!

I'll make you, what, 450?

No, I don't!

You gave me a mountain!

Come on, people, we can still make it.

Prosecution. We have a signed confession that he stole a car stereo, sir.

Defense, he has no prior... Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Nope. Is there anything else? Big screen TV party at my house Saturday.

In view of the evidence, this court finds the defendant... Wait!

The man is innocent.

Your Honor, I'm the one that stole the radio.

I'm the one you want.

Not Joey. Joey didn't do it. I did it.

Don't listen to this toothpick!

Send this behemoth to jail!

Tick -tock, sir.

You gotta listen to me. There isn't time.

Damn it, we're gonna make time.

This is first and foremost a court of law.

Tell your story.

Your Honor, this is my brother.

I'm on parole.

And he knew the next conviction would send me up for good.

That's why he confessed.

Okay, then, we'll remand this one over... It's midnight!

The grand jury.

little runt.

Why couldn't you be more like your brother?

I was this close.

Too bad, Judge. I was rooting for you.

Oh, come on, Mr. Edwards. You're not going to let a couple of seconds stop

from helping out those kids, are you? Oh, Judge, I'm a gambling man.

I could lose half a million on a bet and never blink twice, but I just couldn't

give money away.

You should have seen the look on your faces when that clock struck twelve. It

was priceless.

Will you quit making him do that?

I'll tell you what, Judge.

I'll give you another shot.

I'll arm -wrestle you for it.

Come on, Mr. Edwards, be fair. Take a look at his arms. You clean out pipe

with those things.

I think what Miss Sullivan meant to say is that despite appearances, I am

deceptively strong and wiry.

And you, sir, have just made a $300 ,000 mistake.

You're on.

Whoa!

You can do it, sir!

Do it for the orphan, sir!

We're all behind you, sir!

He doesn't stand a chance against you, Harry.

20 bucks on Otis.

We'll be praying for you, Judge.

Like we never prayed before.

Remember, no kicking, no spitting, and you keep your elbow glued to the table

like a moth on a windshield.

Got it. Good.

Let's go.

Okay.

300 grand, sir.

Think of my orphans, sir.

Right now, I'm thinking about the blood clot that's rushing to my brain.

We've got to do something.

Like what?

Oh, God, I can't think of those orphans put out on the street. Come on, we've

got to think of some... Come on, Otis.

Give up.

It's your last chance.

Sorry, Stringbean.

I got a play to win.

Hate to disappoint the fans.

Guess we showed him, huh?

We sure did.

Pipe cleaners, you say?

He never knew what hit him.

Yeah, I guess you never know what you're capable of until you're desperate.

There you are.

300 ,000 little heifers. Bless you.

It's worth every penny.

You won't tell them, will you?

Ma 'am, where would I begin?

You had us worried, sir. Well, to tell you the truth, Mac, I was a bit worried

myself. But just as things began to look their darkest, I looked them in the

eye. And I saw something there. It was astonishment.

Confusion.

Nay. even a little fear I then knew that he knew that he

was in the presence of greatness