Original subtitles

All right, I know it's never been done before, and I know the sheer size

presents an irresistible challenge, but it is still illegal to climb Dom

DeLuise.

You'll leave us all 30 days.

And who's our next lucky contestant, McBanna?

Well, Harry, she's a bag lady from Manhattan.

Let's have a big New York City welcome for Papaya Patty.

what's the people's problem with Papaya Patty, Mr. Prosecutor? Papaya Patty was

finished with panhandling in a public park.

For sure.

Your Honor, the woman is homeless.

She was merely trying to find a place... Ah!

Ha! Freeze!

That's my little girl.

Daddy!

You remembered everything I taught you, except the knee to the groin.

Thank you for that.

Mr. Jack, I hear you're retiring ye olde taxi cab.

And not a minute too soon.

I've had it with filthy exhaust fumes, potholes, gridlocks, and sitting on my

keys for 12 hours a day.

What are you going to do now? I got me a motorhome.

Well, I guess you got to wean yourself off wheels gradually, huh?

Of course, you realize, Jack, that makes you the weenie.

That's clever.

You should be put to sleep, Christine.

Well, Mr.

Prosecutor, shall we pass along Papaya Patty's problem to public housing?

Perfect, partner.

Reset!

Daddy, shouldn't you be at your trailer park by now?

Oh, Florida's going to have to wait a few days.

I'm having some critical equipment installed in my RV.

What equipment?

Fallout shelter.

Daddy, I've got to prepare for my next case.

I understand.

I'm leaving.

I guess I'll check into public housing, too, and see if they've got a spot for

an old man.

Dad, what happened to your apartment?

I gave it up. I thought I'd be gone by now.

Oh, public housing's beneath me.

I'll grab a cardboard box from the trash.

Dad. What?

You can stay with me.

I couldn't. You could. I refuse. I insist.

Where are your things?

Outside your apartment.

Why am I not surprised?

Hey, if you're involved with a guy... There's no guy.

Why not?

Daddy! You do like guys, right?

Yes, I like guys. And why am I answering these questions? My personal life is my

own business.

Here's a list of all the dates your daughter's had in the last six months.

Now, they're cross -referenced as to age, occupation, and what time they got

home.

Good man feeling.

What is this? Why does everyone think they have the right to pry into my

affairs? Well, shove an ice pick up our noses for caring about you.

I couldn't have said it better myself, Dan.

Jack, listen, I just want to take this opportunity to wish you a glorious and

joyous sojourn into retirement.

Bon voyage, cabbie.

Thank you, buddy.

You're a wonderful, caring human being.

What a nice guy.

Any chance of you two, you know, getting married?

No.

I prefer someone of the same species.

If I were to get involved with anyone around here, it'd be someone normal.

Someone like Harry.

Okay, I got eight showing, Bull. What do you want to do?

Hit me.

Again.

Stay.

What's first on the agenda, Mac?

Digging up a public defender, sir.

Christine's not here yet.

Well, her dad's going to be leaving for Florida any day now. We ought to let

them have their few remaining precious moments together.

Maggots with herpes should dine on my father's lower intestine.

Kind of gets you right here, don't it?

I am sorry, sir, but for the last two weeks, my father has been driving me

crazy. Bossing me, nagging me. You want to know why I'm late?

I'll tell you why I'm late.

He made me change into a dress that he bought for me. He says I dress aloof.

Tell me the truth. Tell me the truth. Do you think that this looks good?

Sure, if you're on the Jetsons.

Sir, what am I going to do?

Stay out of microwave ovens.

Oh, come on. Maybe you can sweat it out, huh? I mean, his RV is going to be

finished soon, and he'll be gone to Florida before you know it. His RV is

finished. Well, then what's the problem?

Hurricane Bubba.

Right, the trailer park he's going to move to.

Why do hurricanes always hit trailer parks? Is it some kind of like

electromagnetic attraction to plastic flamingos?

Sir? I got an idea.

Why don't you get him out of the house once in a while?

Well, why should he leave the house, Mac, when his new best friend comes over

every night? I end up cooking dinner for them and they sit around belching and

watching roller derby.

Well, then talk to his friend. Who is he? Could we have just a salad tonight?

Jack's trying to lose a little weight.

Dan, you're Jack's friend?

Yeah, we've become, um, bosom buddies.

You don't fool me, Dan. I know you're just sucking up to my dad so you can get

your salivating, depraved body into my apartment.

Am I a pixie or what?

and poking through my dresser drawers.

That is an unsubstantiated assault upon my good name.

The woman uses a bra tree.

Is it wood or that new space age plastic?

Stop it!

I will not have my underwear dragged through the gutter.

Too late.

You know, I hate to disturb this stroll down mammary lane.

Defendants are guaranteed a speedy trial.

Well, you always drag me back to Earth, don't you, Mac? Yes, sir, and it's

getting harder every day.

Lay it on me.

Cooper versus Geeks R Us.

I think a tattoo would be most attractive on you.

I already got one on my butt.

It says if you can read this, there better be an engagement ring in your

I knew you'd like this one, sir.

What's the chart?

Oddly enough, lewd conduct.

See, Mrs. Cooper hired our little hearty band of nuclear survivors here to

perform at her son's birthday party. Things got a little hairy.

I'm tired of people judging us by our appearance.

I think in your case, that would be a plus.

Thanks.

I recognize you. You're the renowned Punch and Judy.

And you, you're Sparky.

Sparky Plug, the world's smallest giant.

And this is the little woman.

Don't you guys recognize Bridgette?

323 pounds of follicle femininity.

My name is Aqualung. Yeah, I know you. You're, uh, you're, you're nauseating.

I can eat anything.

I have consumed car batteries in Cairo, bat guano in Botswana, and a lazy boy in

Luxembourg.

Where's my gavel?

Wood is one of your four basic food groups.

The others being?

Metal, plastic, and that stuff they put inside Twinkies.

Do you know what that little man and that fat -bearded tattooed woman did for

entertainment? It's legal. We're married.

You mean you two banged the gong slowly?

We just did a Moroccan folk dance.

Folk dance? She slithered around him like a snake.

She swayed, taunting closer and closer.

Excuse me, please.

Okay, go ahead.

And as the torrid heat of their passionate fandango reached its peak, he

himself at her and disappeared.

You see, my movements created an unpredictable wind. Little Sparky became

airborne and embedded himself between my tattoos of Lincoln and Washington.

Uh, Mr. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge.

Nevertheless,

I don't really see where any law has been broken.

Except maybe the laws of physics.

Exactly. So I'm going to drop the charges.

Recess.

Hey, guys, don't run off.

I'm something of a sideshow aficionado myself, and I think it'd be swell if we

could hang out and swap stories and stuff.

Oh, God, another geek groupie.

Shut up. He's cute.

I got your lunch, kiddo.

Dad, I told you I like to eat in the cafeteria.

It's not healthy. I made you a nice sandwich.

Oh, Dad, head cheese again?

Kept you regular through school, didn't it?

Hey, look at you. Do I know fashion or what?

That is one beautiful dress.

Guaranteed not to burn up during re -entry, too.

Danny boy, are we still on for the Yahtzee Grand Tournament tonight?

My dice cub runneth over, Jack.

I'll see you at eight.

What a sweet, sensitive guy.

Dan.

Don't sell him short.

Trust me.

He's got that certain something.

I forgot you go for the cerebral type.

Dad, please stay out of this. I am not a kid anymore. I can make my own

decisions. Sure you do, honey.

By the way, I sold your car.

You what?

You sold my MG?

I love that car. That car is a classic.

It was unsafe.

I crashed into one once with a cab.

They had to suck the guy out with a dust buster.

Trust me.

You'll grow to love the new car.

What? New car.

Hey, Christine.

Somebody just parked a 57 Buick Roadmaster in your space.

In my space.

In Mac's space.

Now that's a car.

Lives for punishment.

I don't believe this. You tell me what to eat. You tell me what to wear. You

tell me what to drive.

Who the hell do you think you are?

I'm your father.

Well, let me put you straight, father.

I don't want your help anymore.

I don't want your interference.

I don't want your bossiness. I don't want you in my apartment. I want you out

my life.

What are you getting at?

I'm getting at you're making me nuts and I want you gone.

I see.

I'll clear my things out right away.

You have to know you've had your last head cheese sandwich.

Are you going to eat that?

Not on your life.

Could use some brake fluid.

You threw Daddy out?

Dan, this is none of your business. Your own father?

The man who loined you?

Homeless, heartbroken, nowhere to go.

You can have these back. All of a sudden, they seem dirty.

I can't believe it. I've been talked down to by Dan Fielding.

You want some advice?

Please.

Burn these.

Hey, you two better come to the cafeteria. There's a riot going on.

See?

What happened?

Your father knocked Harry...

doggy bag.

Where's Harry?

Whatever you do, sir, don't pent up.

I'm going to extract the garbanzos now.

What happened?

Your father hit him with something. What?

Me.

The bugger wouldn't let go of my leg.

I had to punt.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

He's been neatly pressed.

You okay, Dan?

Dan? Dan?

Dan,

it's okay. It's all over now. What happened?

I was... Shamu'd.

Okay, how did this start?

I just sat down and think things over. When Flabby Hay here broke my table. I

just set my lunch on it.

Lunch? That was the evening meal at Fort Dix.

Hey, that's my wife you're talking about, buddy.

Wife? I thought she was one of the Smith brothers.

Sir. Sir, are you sure you're okay? I mean, a little guy in the eye is nothing

to laugh at.

Yeah, I'm okay, Mac, but... Mac?

Yeah?

Could I have a pony ride?

Come on, little partner.

It was a nightmare, Bull. I came in here to check on Jack. All of a sudden, I'm

eating 400 pounds of cellulite.

But, Dan, it's over now. Why are you so upset?

Because I liked it.

Well, I'll be running along.

Not just yet, you won't.

You caused a riot.

You destroyed property. You injured people.

Are you happy?

I think content is a better word.

Oh, that's it. That's it. You just plant yourself in the RV and head for Florida

right now.

Okay. But there's a bit of a catch.

What's the catch?

I traded away the motorhome.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You're telling me that you spent your

life savings on a motorhome, the palace of your golden years, and you traded it

for... This ring.

Oh, oh.

Really good thinking, Dad. You don't have a home, you don't have a car, but

you've got a really neat finger trinket.

Actually, this ring is for you.

Me?

Go ahead, take it.

It's Mom's engagement ring.

I always wanted you to have it, but I wanted to get it fixed up, but I never

the money till now.

I like the gold setting, don't you?

Dad, it's beautiful.

You know the story behind that ring?

No. You know, your mom and I dated for a long time.

I wanted like hell to propose to him, but I was always broke.

Anyway, one day we were at Coney Island.

I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy I threw up

three times.

In other words, you had a great time. The best.

We stopped at Maury's Baseball Throw in Lithuanian Deli.

I throw the balls and win.

This ring.

I look at it.

And I say to your mom, just joking, I think this means we should get married.

And your mom gets this funny look on her face, and she says, I'd love to.

I'll never forget that magic moment when Jack Sullivan gave his bride -to -be a

25 -cent ring, which is now in a $6 ,500 setting.

Oh, Dad.

You are such a sweet, sensitive, thoughtful person.

Why is it I want to rip your ears off sometimes?

Your mother used to always ask me the same thing.

Dad, I love you, you big jerk.

I guess I upset the apple cart a bit, huh?

The apple cart, the dessert tray, the salad bar.

I've never seen you like this.

You spend a fortune... on a motorhome. You take weeks and weeks customizing it

just so you can trade it in and buy this ring. You don't want to go to Florida,

do you?

Am I that transparent?

I hate Florida.

The only excitement down there is when somebody dies and everyone's

time has moved up.

Oh, Dad, why didn't you tell me you felt this way?

I thought I'd disappoint you. You seemed so eager for me to go.

I was only eager because I thought you wanted to.

Oh, it's not my kind of place.

So quiet you could hear a lung collapse.

Oh, look, honey.

Leaving here would be like cutting my heart out.

Daddy, all I want is for you to be happy.

And to find your own apartment.

I will. Right here in the Big Apple.

Where you can be close to life and the excitement.

And everything you want is right here at your fingertips.

Give me the ring back.

Dad!

Gotcha.

Almost got it, sir.

What?

Here we go.

Won't be throwing this baby back.

It's a miracle I can hear again.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Hey, Dan.

Have you recovered from your close encounter with Madam Butterball last

beginning to feel three -dimensional again.

Carrot stick, Dan?

Oh, thanks, Max.

A little salty.

Sir, Christine just had an accident in that Buick her father gave her. What

happened? A garbage truck slammed her car, knocked it into a bus, she careened

into a lamppost, and from there she crashed headlong into a brick wall.

Oh, my God. Is she all right?

I think I chipped a nail.

Sullivan, you're unmangled.

Yeah, you know, as much as I hate to admit it, that roadmaster saved my life.

That car is indestructible.

You mean the car's okay, too?

It's better. When I hit the bus, the clock started working.

So Father really does know best.

If he would never let me forget this, you must all swear to me he'll never

out I had an accident.

You had an accident?

Okay, who fainted?

Christine. Dad, what are you doing here?

Lunch.

Didn't we talk about that?

It's not for you. It's for my new roommate.

Head cheese?

Lots of mustard this time?

Half a jar.

And for dessert?

Yes. Ho -hos.

He has made me the happiest man on earth.

So, Dad, you're still using my father to get to me?

That has nothing to do with it.

I like Jack, and he likes me.

Dan, we still dating the girls from the barber college tonight?