Original subtitles

Darn.

Double darn.

I love it when she talks dirty.

Mind if I try?

I'm good at spacial relationships.

Oh, no, I've really screwed it up.

Is it just me, or is the resemblance uncanny?

slinky shoes in years.

I was six when I got my first pair.

Seven when we bought the new ceiling.

Boy, you seem awfully chipper today, sir.

Well, it's hard to deny the spring in my step, ain't it, Mac Muffin?

What'd you do? Win the lottery?

Better. Mel Torme finally signed your adoption paper?

Those bean counters in accounting have seen fit to grant my request for a

personal assistant.

Now you can have help with your stuff.

Right. Someone to handle the filing and the correspondence. Somebody to do the

case research.

Someone to scrape the scum off your sea monkey bones.

Hey, there are no small jobs, only small people.

Hello.

As if by example.

Problem, Dan?

Women.

So who was it last night? The Soviet gymnast? The farmer's daughter?

One of those rubber -jointed ladies from the freak shows who like to be

handcuffed and twirled around by their ponytails screaming for mercy till they

black out?

What?

I'll have you know I spent last evening in the company of a lady.

What's the matter? Her owner whiffle for?

Rita was perfect, intelligent, bright, a wonderful conversationalist. So what's

the problem?

Damn!

Let's face it, Harry.

I'm all washed up.

Come on, Dan.

So you... Say it.

You... Come on, man. Say it.

You had a little trouble launching the old love boat.

You're talking stuck in dry dock, Harry.

Have you seen a doctor?

Yeah, on my way in, he ran some tests.

He said it was probably tension.

I have been worrying about that job interview lately.

Well, yeah, I forgot about that. Have you heard back from those people?

night, I'm supposed to have dinner with one of the senior partners.

Well, that's probably it. Come on, Dan.

You can't let this get to you.

Come on. Every red -blooded American male has had to face this problem at one

time or another in his life.

Has it ever happened to you? Hell no.

You guys ready to do it?

Some more than others.

You know, I'm really glad that my personal life is now everybody's

Hey, don't get testy with me just because your Dow Jones average hit us

Dan, you know, there are several books written on this subject that might be of

some help to you.

Such as?

Well, The Little Engine That Could.

Happens to every guy sooner or later. Has it ever happened to you? Hell no!

Excuse me.

Hell no!

Pardon me, sir. Your new assistant is here.

Oh!

Am I in yet?

Harry, she's blind.

Ooh, who's the genius who figured that out?

Like cane, glasses.

I think we got a real...

This thing got a head on it?

Hey, that's funny.

Hi, I'm Judge Harry Stone. I've really been looking forward to meeting you.

Don't get out much, do you?

Hi, I'm Christine Sullivan, and I think it's inspiring to see someone overcome a

physical challenge.

Ooh, who's this? The missing Osmond?

Risley on a moped is physically challenged.

Lady. I'm blind!

Want to know what it's like to live in the dark?

There. How do you like it?

Please, no more.

Okay.

Now listen up, because I'm only going to say this once.

My name is Joy Buscaglia. I touch type 60 words a minute, take dictation from

transcription, and I'm fast as... in the building at the Xerox machine.

I don't have to close the lid.

Now we're going to have a few ground rules around here. One, we don't move

furniture around.

Two, no sneaking up on me.

And three, I don't like chit -chat. Do not ask how I am. I'm blind!

That's how I am.

Oh, I'm also hungry.

So if anybody wants me, I'll be on my break. Mac!

Take me to the cafeteria.

I want to sniff some entrees.

She seems nice.

Another senseless, flinky, shoe -related accident.

Sir, may I ask you a question about Joy?

Sure. Can I kill her?

I know she's a little abrasive, but... She felt up my lunch, Harry.

She what? She wanted to know if the corned beef was lean, so she pawed it.

Nobody gropes my Reuben.

You're on Love Talk with Dr.

Lucy. Who's this?

Hello, Dr. Lucy. This is Seymour from Queens.

Yeah, I have a question.

About impotency?

Uh -oh.

Gotta go, Dr. Lucy.

Sir, do you think Dan's going to be all right?

Well, he's getting advice from the finest medical experts in the field.

him on his chest.

Okay, who ordered the two dozen raw oysters?

Thanks for keeping this under your hats.

At least we've got something under ours.

Oh, Joy.

Judge Stone.

Just the man I was groping for.

This chunk has got to go if I'm going to be working here.

Are you referring to my trinkets? I'm referring to your crap.

Your phone messages.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, excuse me, these are in Braille.

Your father wants to know why you're avoiding them.

Your singles club canceled the hayride because everybody else thought it was

stupid.

And some twerp named Rod phoned and said he can't wait to see his lamby cakes

for some smoochy pies.

Gee, thanks.

Yeah, your doctor phoned and said your tests came out negative.

Are you sure?

Hey, it's a poor musician who blames his instrument.

Come on, Porcupine. We got more sunshine to spread.

Porcupine!

The blind leading the blank.

Hello?

Corbin.

From Corbin, Fulton, and Nordoff, you applied for a job with us.

Oh, yeah.

Hi. That wasn't your fault. You never know when you're going to get a bad one.

Bad oyster.

Bad, bad, bad oyster.

Ah, well.

I picked a very nice restaurant nearby here for the interview.

Actually, I'd rather conduct the interview at my office.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure. No problem. Whatever.

I've already had dinner.

I can't wait to show you my list of references.

That won't be necessary.

Not necessary? Am I still being considered for the position?

Oh, I'd say you're being considered for several positions.

Are you all right?

Oh, fine.

Oh, the silly goose that I am.

It sounded sort of like you were making a sexual proposition.

You're a quick study fielding.

I are?

That's a point in your favor.

Meet me here in 20 minutes.

And be ready to show me some class action.

He's a psychologist.

Is that corned beef?

Everybody just keep your damn heads off my sandwich.

It's been a tough day for Roz and her lunch meat.

Doc, I want to talk to you about this blind girl. Now, I'm afraid I've got to

fire her.

I hate to do it, but, hell, keeping her on, that'd be like burning my face with

a huge disfiguring blowtorch and pretending it don't hurt.

To paraphrase Freud, we all feel just horrible about it. Yay!

I fixed the funky shoes!

I fixed the funky shoes!

You must be very proud.

Look, Harry, didn't she do a nice job?

Thanks, Miss Sullivan.

Did you talk to Joy's former supervisors yet?

Yes. And?

Well, so far, Joy's the girl most likely to be offered in a hostage swap.

Oh, also, I found out... something interesting. She's only been blind for

years. Some sort of accident.

Aha.

Aha.

Aha what?

Sounds like a classic case of displaced anger.

I mean, this bitterness could just be a symptom that she hasn't worked through

the trauma of being robbed of her sight.

Well, how's she going to react to being fired?

Oh, that depends on several factors.

Does she own a gun?

would do to have an office like this?

Well, let's find out, shall we?

Dealey Dan.

Look, a fireplace.

That's great.

And a refrigerator.

Keeps the hot side hot and the cold side cold.

Why aren't you over here on the hot side?

Believe me, most of me wants to be.

What do you think?

I think... I can see the Faranzano Bridge from here.

You know, that is the longest single span in the world.

Dan, come.

I want you to make windows rattle in New Jersey.

Okay, be back in an hour.

Dan! Wait, wait, hold it. Look.

I can't explain it now, but...

There's something about me that's a little off.

Say, you aren't one of those sickos you hear on the radio call -in shows.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not me.

It's just that I would really like to discuss the job.

And I'd like to discuss that story I heard about you and the stewardesses on

baggage carousel.

Oh, that was just a little...

My resume.

You want to talk resumes. Others are much more qualified than you.

I know that, but... Wait a minute.

Who's more qualified than I am?

Everybody.

Hold it a second. Wait a... You're telling me that my skills as an attorney

nothing to do with me being here?

Yes.

Now help me get this thing off. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Put it back in neutral a

second, sister.

You know what?

You want to call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my

manhood?

That's fine.

I get that all the time.

All right, listen, I will admit that I couldn't afford some snooty Ivy League

education.

You know, but when you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law and

Agriculture, you'll learn something more.

A fighting sow belly.

What he wants.

Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty.

You know what? I live the law every day.

The courthouses and the jails of New York City.

I may have barf in my cups when I get home at night.

But that's the way I like it.

That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's

why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases.

And that's why you can say whatever you want to about my manhood.

But nobody, lady, nobody can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law.

Or for that matter, anywhere else.

You mean... I mean, hold on to your Dixie cups, babe. The salt shall rise

You know what really gnaws at my gut, Miss Sullivan?

What's that, sir?

How am I going to fire Joy without just completely crushing her?

Oh, I think she can handle it, sir. All right, she's a little crusty, but that

doesn't mean that she doesn't have feelings.

I just heard the greatest bus crash outside.

You're right, sir. She is a sensitive soul.

Is that your cologne?

Or are you delivering soap cakes to the urinals?

Good luck, sir.

So? Uh, Joy, here, have a seat.

Joy, I've got something to say to you, and I'm afraid it's not going to be

Well, spit it out.

I'm afraid I've got to let you go.

You what?

Now, I want you to know that your office skills are terrific.

I mean, the couple of days that you've been here, you've really gotten the

organized.

My correspondence is all up to date, my files look great, and boy, I could bring

down a charging rhino with one of these pencils.

So I did a good job, and now you're going to fire me?

It's not the job, Joy. It's your attitude.

Now, I know you've had a rough time of it. In fact, I've talked to a

psychologist friend, and he's willing to try to get you into his encounter

group. If that's a burden on you financially, I'll help you out of my own

pocket. My point is that even though this didn't work out, if there's

can do for you, I'm here.

I trashed your armadillo.

What? You heard me? That armored rat of yours is now sucking swill in the bottom

of a dumpster.

Clarence? He's in a dumpster?

And he can take your encounter group and roll it into a ball and stick it in

your mail chute.

Clarence!

Pencil neck geek!

Hello, Judge Stone.

I'm Cooper from Personnel.

Well, if it isn't the polyester Pimpernel.

My, aren't we cheery today.

I have Miss Buscali's transfer papers.

Hey, I'd love to stay and schmooze, but I can tell you two civic giants want to

be alone.

Maybe you can rub your skulls together and come up with a thought or something.

You know,

it's too bad we don't burn people at the stake anymore.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe none of us can really understand how that accident

affected Joy emotionally.

Actually, it's made a big improvement.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, before the accident, she was really obnoxious.

She's improved quite a bit.

How so?

Well, she stopped biting, for one.

Wait a minute. You're telling me that that woman was born nasty?

I got rid...

I've got... I've got... Who could ask for anything

more?

That was... That was... Volcanic.

We aim to please.

Toss me my other shoe.

Do you believe it now?

Yep, dinner break's over. Got places to go. People to jail.

It's going to be fabulous having you around.

If the furniture holds up.

Alas, we will never know.

What do you mean?

What I mean is... Good luck in finding a new attorney.

Ciao, baby.

You're turning down a six -figure salary and a boss who's willing to work with

you?

Pro bono.

Well, you see, the point is, I didn't spend eight years in the DA's office

to become somebody's high -priced office gigolo.

Oh, and, um... When you think of this night, and you

will... suffer.

Laughter.

little piece of rice?

Or a silly little maggot?

Definitely not Uncle Ben.

Sir? Yeah?

Is Joy... dead?

No, Roz. I had her reassigned.

Hey, Dan.

Did you get the job?

Nope.

All the same, it would have been a shame to lose you.

Thank you, Harry.

What happened?

The desks were cramped.

You know those disgusting animalistic urges I

used to torment you with?

Yes. They're back.

I'm taking Joy down to personnel.

Okay, well... I, uh... I know there's been some problems these past few days.

And there's been some misunderstandings. But just to leave on the right note...

How do I do it?

So, Curly, dinner tomorrow?

My place?

You bet. What should I wear?

I'm blind, remember?

Wear a car cover for all I care.

Are you dating Joy?

Uh -huh.

Well, I don't mean to be a Budinsky, but are you sure it's not just pity?

No.

I think she really likes me.