Original subtitles

Be careful now.

A little more to the right. All right, now let it down nice and easy.

Is that about where you want it, sir?

Well, how about an inch and a half to the left?

Well, you guys aren't much on whimsy, are you?

Ah, this is new, isn't it? Well, you certainly are observant, Miss Sullivan.

I've got to hand it to you.

Goodie, it's Halloween again, isn't it, sir?

Yep. You coming to my party?

Oh, you know, actually, I feel like I'm coming down with something. I'm a little

stuffy. Yeah, but that's half your charm.

Look at this.

See that, safe? This is going to be the centerpiece of my magic act. I'm going

to do a trick so incredible, so amazing, it will boggle the human mind.

Can we get this?

Don't tell me that melonhead is going to do the old escape from the safe trick.

The produce in question is right here.

Oh, you mean you're going to be inside the safe?

Oh, and it's going to be locked and everything.

Thrilling, sir.

What's this party you guys are talking about? I guess my invitation must have

got lost in the mail.

You can have mine.

There's only one thing, though. I don't have a costume or anything.

Why don't you just have somebody carve open your head and put a candle in it?

Very funny.

Now, what kind of a moron would do something like that?

Could somebody carve me some eyes?

First case, sir.

People versus Cowan, disturbing the peace and assault.

I can't be held accountable.

An ethereal force violently expelled the essence from my body.

You tried the fake fajitas, huh?

Your Honor, Ms. Cowan was arrested for pummeling Mr. Gintz at the New Age Expo.

parties are trans channelers your honor they claim that spiritual entities speak

through them from another realm you believe all this higher consciousness

huh so if i'm following this you two are kind

of like mouse pieces for uh

alien tap dancers

nothing of her own will.

It is my doing.

Will the mystery guest sign in, please?

I am Darby, spirit teacher and seer from the fourth astral plane.

I demand punishment for this man who mocks the entire spirit world.

Hey, Mr. Gantz, what did you do that ticked these two off so much?

It's not my fault. When you're a trans -channeler, you can't choose who your

entity will be.

If I did, it sure wouldn't have been him.

Wouldn't have been whom?

Oh.

Well,

thank you, and good evening.

Welcome to our show.

Hold on.

Did Ed Sullivan speak through you?

Well, I'm not Topo Gigio.

Permission to smack the witness, Your Honor?

Please say we hold this one over until we can get a cosmic reading from the

in the Bellevue Zone.

Box them up.

So ordered.

Let there be lunch.

Hi, Mr. Sullivan.

Ed Sullivan's dead.

His show's been off the air for years.

Boy, timing is everything in this business.

How'd you like to make $100?

I'd rather sit on a blender.

Well, all you gotta do is sign this.

Listen, buddy, I don't know who you are, but why don't I take you and your stuff

and get... Oh, I'm known by many names.

Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan.

Although it says Sue Bloomberg on my license.

Enough about me. Let's talk about you and what you could do with one of these.

Get four of those.

You want to give me this?

Well, not exactly give. There is a formality. I need you to sign this

I, Dan Fielding, for the sum of $100, do hereby pledge my soul to eternal

damnation.

Sounds good to me.

This guy gave me $100 for my soul.

Good idea.

It was just taking up space anyway.

How to perform the amazing escape from a safe trick.

Step one, stuff yourself in a safe.

Make sense?

bad.

Although I think a roommate is definitely out of the question.

Hey, Ron, take a look at this.

You know, a little water might help that grow.

I gotta go show the judge.

really understand how truly helpless we are and how much we need the assistance

of someone greater than ourselves. So, please, send Geraldo Rivera.

Okay,

Harry, you're trapped in a small safe.

Wait a minute. I got a flashlight in my pocket. I'm a key ring, yeah.

If I can just get my hand...

Pocket. Okay.

There's my flashlight.

Okay,

now if I can get my hand out of my pocket.

And there.

Boy, I got to get some odor eaters.

There,

that's better.

Now, stupid, you're going to work on this safe.

You're going to get your hands free.

gonna be pretty.

That's right. Drink now.

You won't be getting much cold water where you're going.

Of course, the heat might not bother you having grown up in bayou country.

How did you know that?

Oh, I know everything about you. You're something of a minor celebrity where I

come from. Oh, yeah?

You know, The one that really had us going was the time you stole the necktie

off the corpse in the morgue.

It went with my suit.

Nobody saw me do that.

Oh, just like nobody saw that little escapade with you and the meth ball girl

the bullpen.

I was just showing them my slider.

The stadium was empty.

Nobody... How the... Hey, hey, hey.

I'm looking for a guy in red satin with horns and a big tail.

Give me five minutes.

Knock, knock, sir.

Huh, he's not here.

Well, I'm sure he said to meet him here and we'll all go to lunch together.

Then where the heck is he?

So now you are trapped.

Even if you were stupid enough to get trapped in the safe, don't worry.

You have an ample supply of air as long as you don't panic.

Help!

Help!

Wait,

I could write a note.

Yeah, I got a pen.

I'm beginning to feel stood up.

I'm beginning to feel starved.

Why couldn't he have left us a message?

Let's just send out the sandwiches.

I'll take the orders.

Shoot. I'll have a chili dog.

Chicken salad.

Right. And I'll have the tongue and jelly.

Okay. That's a chili dog, chicken salad, tongue and jelly, and help, I'm trapped

in the safe. Love, Harry Stone.

Anyone want fries?

Help, I'm trapped in the safe.

Harry's in the safe!

Harry! Can you hear me?

It's okay, sir. We're here.

Harry!

What do you want for lunch?

What kind of safe company are you anyway?

You already said he'd be down here, and it's been 20 minutes already.

I got an idea. Why don't we drop the safe out the window?

I bet when that thing hit the sidewalk, it'd break wide open.

Bull, so would Harry.

Okay, it's got some flaws.

While asleep, I'm gonna die.

I got too much to live for.

Too much to accomplish.

Mainly, I don't want to become famous for the stupid way I died.

got to show for it, huh?

Waterford dribble glasses.

And a drawer full of chattering teeth.

Well, my life's not a joke!

I help people.

I've helped quite a few people.

I make my mistakes, sure, but when they come into my court, you bet they get a

fair shake. And they know that there is a human being across the bench from

them.

And I can say, honestly, that I have no

regrets.

Except maybe that last cup of coffee.

All right, Prince of Darkness, out where I can see you. You rang?

What do you know about this phone message?

While you were out, Uncle Luddy called and said, welcome aboard.

So? My Uncle Luddy died 30 years ago in a restaurant.

31 years ago.

In a brothel.

Lucifer. Oh, pal.

Buddy. Come here. Listen.

We've had a lark, haven't we? But I, you know, in good conscience, I really

can't keep this money. So why don't I just give it back to you? We'll call the

whole thing off.

No way, Fielding. Didn't you read the fine print?

Our deal is forever.

Here, try my deviled egg.

All set.

I'm getting drowsy.

That's a lack of oxygen to the brain.

So this is how Bull feels.

Somebody call for a safe technician?

Well, it's about time.

Relax, relax. I'll have them on two shakes.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh what?

Well, this is an R -426. You gotta have a carbon steel drill to get through

that, baby.

You do have one, don't you?

Sure, at the shop.

There is a human being trapped inside here.

So you're saying you want me to drive back to the shop?

Wait a second. I think I got a carbon steel drill downstairs. Let me go check.

Isn't there anything else you can do?

Well, I suppose we could blast the thing open, but... But what?

It'll be real loud.

Blow this sucker!

Knock, knock.

Who's that?

Harry.

Hurry up and get me out of here.

Who are you?

Your conscience.

I'm the one who keeps you out of trouble.

Well, where were you about an hour ago?

So I took a nap. I never thought you'd be stupid enough to try this.

Fool you.

How long do you think we got?

Let me put it this way.

I wouldn't start any Russian novels if I were you.

Oh, Lord, I found that cotton spit!

What are you, the heck of a time for everybody to take a lunch break?

Oh, well.

Yes!

Who the heck left a silly party late around here?

Some people are so stupid.

So the frog says, I don't know. It started off as a small wart on my fanny.

That's good.

I got one.

Rabbi?

A goat.

And a banana.

That reminds me.

I got a dental appointment on Tuesday.

Okay, all set.

This isn't exactly child's play, you know.

One for the money.

Two for the show.

Three to beat your face into a pasty dough.

Right.

Wait!

I've got to warn you, this could be messy.

Is anyone wearing open -toed shoes?

That's funny. Usually there's a few scraps left.

You're doing just fine, sir.

You're doing just fine.

That's it. Keep walking those kinks out.

You want to try it on your own now?

Still got that old sense of humor, don't you, sir?

it was just another one of his stupid practical jokes.

You gum.

You invertebrate festering lowlife.

Oh, don't try to charm me with one of your stupid Frankenstein impressions

either.

Do you realize the hell you put us through, you toad -eating mutant?

Sir?

I was real worried about you.

Now you better worry about you.

My dummy's not allowed to play at your house anymore.

I'll give you double your money back.

No. Triple that. It was just a terrible mistake.

Sorry. So long, Dan.

See you real soon.

Going down.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, Dan.

Why are we slobbering? all over the elevator.

I sold myself to the devil.

Oh, come on.

Listen, I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.

He knew every sleazy, disgusting, degrading thing I've ever done my entire

Who else would know all that stuff?

Me?

must have been going about 70 when you hit.

Hi.

This has all been some sort of lesson, hasn't it?

How about next time you just send me a stone tablet, huh?

I mean, I get the message. Believe me, I get the message.

Thou shalt not be a weenie and thou shalt live long and prosper.

You have my word.

I swear.

No more crazy stunts for Harry T. Stone.

Well, that's a really, really big safe.

That reminds me of a trick done once on our show by that fine, fine master

illusionist, Rory Caputo.

Oh, yeah, I remember him. He was the guy who escaped from the safe when it was

down in a shark tank.

That must have been incredible.

Well, not if you know how it was done.

He told you how he did it?

I promised Rory I would take that secret to my grave.

And I did.

Stop by sometime. I'll show you how it's done.

Oh, come on. Just one more.

Hey,

let your conscience be your guide.

Gotcha.