Original subtitles

Hey, Miss Sullivan, you want to hear your horoscope?

Yeah, what does it say? It says you're going to sleep with a tall, dark,

handsome prosecuting attorney at 9 .15.

It says don't let your passion sweep you awake.

I was paraphrasing.

You know, that sounds more like Roz's horoscope, because she's...

She's what, Moe?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Just go on about your normal daily business.

Oh, come on, Bull. What about Roz?

She doesn't want you to get around, so you gotta promise to keep it a secret.

Sure. Cross your heart and hope that I... Yes.

Stick a needle in your eye?

Yes. Crime your face in a blender?

Yes!

Roz has a boyfriend.

Get out!

Haven't you noticed how cheerful she's been lately?

Thought there was just an ammo sale at Shoot and Save.

She's been seeing him for about a month.

She calls him four or five times every day.

Gee, sounds like it could be the big L.

Lutter?

Look, there she is.

The regular five o 'clock phone call to her kissy -uggy snuggles.

Hello, DeWayne.

I just wanted to tell you something.

I don't ever want to see your ugly face again unless it has an accent.

Uh, next case, sir. People versus Mr.

Richard Jorgensen.

Hmm. What's wrong with this picture?

This is the defendant, Rhonda, formerly Richard Jorgensen, charged with indecent

exposure. Since the arrest, the defendant had his name changed.

Among other things.

I see. So, what have we got?

Not as much as we used to.

Your Honor, in light of the operation, I move for dismissal.

On what grounds?

Lack of evidence.

Okay, Mr.

and Ms. Jorgensen, I'm going to drop the indecent exposure charge as long as you

promise that you'll never again...

Right. Have a nice day.

Well, so much for that little slice of life.

Roz, will you bring in the next defendant, please?

Don't you snap at me!

Is it just me, or is Roz not a happy camper?

I hate to see you so upset.

Well, it's obvious what the problem is. Her boyfriend is gone, and now her needs

are tragically unfulfilled.

You know how cranky women can get when they don't get sex on a regular basis?

Oh, cram it, you pig.

Arrest my case.

I think that we should at least talk to Roz. Help her get things off her chest.

No, I don't think Roz is really the heartfelt discussion type.

Oh, I know she can be a little moody at times.

I said stand up!

Okay, she can be downright testy.

But she's been with us for nearly two years and none of us even knows her.

I think Roz really needs someone to talk to.

And I'm going to be that someone.

Miss Sullivan, I've had some experience in this. Now, believe me, it's not a

good idea to butt into someone else's personal problems.

Sir, I'm sure glad you called me last night about the vasectomy.

And if I go ahead with it, I will have a doctor do it.

Now, that wasn't butting in. The guy wanted to borrow my weed whacker.

to open up to someone.

Roz!

Maybe later.

Well, I'm going to find the defendant guilty of assault and battery and Mr.

Gunther, I'm going to give you two days in the slammer because you've got to

learn that this is not funny no matter what you think of the man's musical

talent.

You know, you'd really feel better if you talked about it.

Look, Christine, I like you.

That's why you got a warning shot.

It couldn't hurt to talk about it for a minute.

Please? Please?

All right, talk.

Roz, look, we are not that different. I know what it's like to be hurt by a man.

Why, I even had a boyfriend dump me in the middle of the prom.

Mine tried to run me over with his Buick.

Listen, Christine, it's nothing personal. I just can't stand being

That's because you don't know me.

We have to learn about each other.

Can't I just send you my resume?

I mean one -to -one.

Francis, come on. What do you usually do after work?

Break horses.

Oh, come on. Isn't there someplace you like to go to unwind? A tavern? A

A boite?

Well, there's Monty's. Oh, there you see?

That sounds like fun. Let's go.

I'm not so sure it's your kind of what.

Oh, come on, Roz. It'll be keen.

Please, please, please.

You're going to pester me till I die, aren't you?

Yes.

Good. Then when I kill you, it'll be self -defense.

Glad you changed your mind. This is going to be spiffy.

Wow.

Evening, Roz. I've saved you your usual table.

Hey, yo, clear this table off for Roz and her friends.

Thank you.

Well, this isn't too bad.

It's a little guzzy, but what the heck.

So, how'd you find this place?

I live up there.

We're fresh out of poop.

Rod, what do you recommend?

What, your usual run?

Yeah, hideaway special.

I'll have one of those, too.

So, here we are together.

At last, we have a chance to really get to know each other, to really learn what

makes each other tick, to see inside each other's souls.

Outside? Are you blind?

Here's your drink, lady.

Ah, wow.

Uh, could I have a straw?

Sure.

There you go.

I think he likes you.

Yeah, well.

Um, I think, uh, toast is in order.

Here's to good friend.

Tonight is kind of special.

Shut up.

Woo!

That is really something.

Roz, um, what is that on the side of my glass?

Little pink umbrella.

No, the thing opening up the umbrella.

They just take a sip, lay eggs, and move on.

Okay, folks, it's showtime.

I didn't know there was live entertainment.

This isn't just any old what.

Direct from a smash appearance at Rocco's Blunt Instrument Lounge.

The Flamingo stylings of the one.

The only.

He's not much of a captainette player.

In fact, he's not much of a dancer.

Maybe I'm being too critical.

What do you think of the captainette now?

that was Redwood Wally and his little stump.

Me, sir? How'd you do that?

Let's just say I mastered the possibility.

And now, let's have a big Monty's welcome for Sinbad the

Snake Jarman!

into, she shouldn't be associating with these depraved women whipping themselves

into a frenzy of lust.

I'll take out as many as I can, sir.

Isn't that a Christine?

No. Of course I could see a lot better if it wasn't for that crazy bimbo

on the table.

Yeah, where'd she learn to play the flute?

Boy,

I never thought I'd live to see that.

It's just like all my dreams.

Except, of course, she's not wearing the catcher's mask.

I mean, it's Christine's business if she wants to jump rope with a string of

jock straps.

You out!

No man to left for 11 p .m.

Do you know who you're talking to? This is Judge Harold T. Stone.

He's right. And these guys are my court officers.

We're on a fact -finding habeas corpus. We're investigating modus operandi.

Well, I'm very sorry, Judge. I cooperate fully with the law here. Right, I'll

make note of that in your ipso facto.

Gee, thanks.

Feel free to investigate anything.

This is going to take some intensive probing.

Wow, look at this. You and that uniform.

I love it.

You like to dance?

Can we just leave it at a handshake?

in there without a machete.

Okay, then I'll do it on my own.

Excuse me, ladies.

Hi, excuse me. Oh, hey.

Oh, bingo.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Gotcha, you pervert.

No, no, I wasn't doing nothing, I promise.

Well, why not, cutie pie?

Lady, I... You

drained my finances.

I wasn't surprised.

Where'd you come from?

The mouth of the Amazon.

You like that guy dancing up there?

Tell me one good thing about him.

He's not you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What has he got that I haven't got?

a delicate, gentle woman like yourself.

Once,

twice, three times a lady.

Sir, sir, can we get the hell out of here now?

Everything's under control.

Now. Oh, you are such a fanny.

Well, that did it. You left me no choice. I'm going to carry you out of

So, two -timing me, huh?

Uh, no, actually.

Hey, who let in the hippo?

You left me for some cheesy tramp with a padded bra.

Padded?

Honey, these are factory original.

Actress Mouseketeer, let's see what you're made of. Oh, you want to get

huh?

decency to oil up.

$460, $480, $500.

My God, where did you get all that money?

At Monty's.

Women kept stuffing 20s down my pants.

That's disgusting.

I only got 10s.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait.

Sorry about your eye, sir. I guess I got carried away.

Actually, he's the one who got carried away.

What was that?

Sir, I'm sorry. I didn't think a little thing like me could knock a man silly.

Hey, I wasn't knocked silly. I was simply expressing my shock at your

Miss Sullivan, I warned you about sticking your nose into other people's

business, but did you listen to me? No.

Not that I didn't enjoy it. having Big Maggie floss my teeth with her tongue.

None of this ever would have happened if certain people didn't stick their noses

into other people's business where they didn't belong in the first place.

You're absolutely right, sir. You see, Roz agrees with me. I was talking about

you.

What? You were the one butting in.

If you hadn't come down there, none of this would have happened.

I was just trying to keep her from bothering you. Who says I wanted you to?

I was on my own time.

If I want to go out with a friend, then that's my business.

I'm not finished.

Yes, please go on.

Thank you.

I have nothing more to say.

Except we forgive you.

Fine, as long as I've made myself clear.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go slap a butt steak on my face.

Boy, he sure seems mad.

Guess we shouldn't have auctioned off his underpants.

Um, Ron, did you mean it when you called me a friend?

Nope.

Oh, well, see you later.

Christine.

There's a reason why you're not my friend.

People like me don't have friends.

What do you mean, people like you?

People who play nude war games and roller skate hanging on the motorcycle

and are shy.

You? Shy?

The one who said to the Pope, hey, take off that pointy...

When I pay five bucks to see Hercules unchained, I don't want anything

the screen.

I'm uncomfortable around people because I'm afraid that if they get to know

me, they won't like me.

Oh, Roz, that's silly. You're very likable when you're not shooting at

It's a defense mechanism.

Well, it didn't work with me.

And I think that's because deep down you want a friend.

Guess if I have to have a friend, it ought to be somebody who can make Big

Maggie suck soda.

Well, that wasn't really me. That was those hideaway specials. What's in those

things anyway?

Pineapple juice, soda water, and ice.

That's it?

That's it.

There's no booze at all in those things?

Not a drop.

So, then, I did all those crazy things because deep

down I'm more like you appear to be than you are.

Live with that.

Well, then, there's a chance we can be friends.

Heck, we can be bosom buddies.

With the two of us, that's saying quite a bit.

Listen, uh, you got any plans for tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night? No.

You ever see tag team mud wrestling on cable TV?

Oh, Ross, I really, I don't like to watch those things.

Who said anything about watching?