Original subtitles

Hey, is there something wrong with your... It's a molecular reassembler,

yes, there's something wrong with it. It doesn't work.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to ask an embarrassing question.

Oh, I'm sorry too, Tim. I didn't mean to be short with you.

It's just that this bleep machine is being obstinate.

What was that?

What was what?

I thought I heard a bleep.

That's a Martian word, meaning if I had to do it over again, I never would have

started in the first place.

That's a pretty handy word to have in your vocabulary.

At moments like these, even bleep is inadequate.

It's working again. It was supposed to turn into a lampshade.

What was that supposed to be?

Well, I was trying to restore it to its original form as a glass tumbler.

I think you'd better go back to the aspirin. I have a feeling you're going

have a headache.

That's the trouble.

I never know what's going to happen when I turn it on.

Well, if I don't get to the office pretty soon, I know what'll happen to

I'll turn into an unemployed reporter.

But it's amazing that a simple little gadget like this can make such changes.

Uncle Martin, there was a squirrel.

Tim, I wish you wouldn't do that.

I dropped my pecan.

Please?

Where's my fur?

Well, now, just take it easy. You see, we... Wait a minute.

This isn't how squirrels look under their fur.

And my tail is gone.

What's going on?

Well, there was a slight accident. You see this machine?

Little accident, huh?

Well, boy, I'll say one thing. All the nuts aren't in the trees.

Well, don't you stand there.

Do something.

The money's freezing.

Well, I'll just reassemble the molecules of that blanket.

There.

My wife isn't going to like this.

Oh, great.

That's all we needed was a henpecked squirrel.

And you're being presumptuous. Remember it was our doing that brought him into

our house as a guest in the first place.

A guest?

Please accept our apologies if we have inconvenienced you at all.

Inconvenienced me?

That's just like you human beings. Step all over somebody and then say you're

sorry you've inconvenienced them.

It so happens I have a family.

What are they going to say when I show up tonight looking like this?

Would you excuse us for a minute? Not unless you change me back, I won't. Just

for a minute, please.

Uncle Martin, he can't stay here.

Well, what do you suggest? That we build him a tree house?

I suggest that you fix that molecular... Molecular reassembly. Yes, yes. Change

him back into a squirrel.

An excellent suggestion.

Obvious, but excellent.

There's only one problem.

I haven't found out yet the source of the machine's malfunction.

Well, look, can't you do it with your finger? I mean, I've seen you point at

things and change them just by... Molecular reconstruction by digital

is only temporary.

It wouldn't last more than a few hours.

Oh, that's great.

Well, what if somebody walks in here and sees him the way he looks right now?

They'll think he's a fugitive from a blanket factory.

But at the moment, I'm less concerned about that than the time factor.

What time factor? Well, if I don't have the molecular reassembler repaired in

eight hours, his atomic structure will be permanently set.

You mean... he'll be like that?

Permanently? Yes.

That's precisely what I mean. Oh, that's swell. That's just swell. Well, how

long do you think that he...

That's it.

That's right. Brute force.

That's the way you human beings get everything. Brute force.

All the time pushing us little guys around just because you're bigger and

stronger. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. That's what you ought to be

ashamed. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

That's the truth.

I'm truly sorry. I had to do that, but it was a matter of necessity.

Whose necessity?

Yours or mine?

Admittedly, my own. There, you see, yours.

When you change me into this.

I dropped a great, big, beautiful pecan.

That pecan was just as important to me as it is to you that people don't find

out you're a Martian.

You mean you know? Of course I know.

I know a few things about you, too, like last Wednesday night when that girl was

up here.

You told her. Never mind.

I know what I told her. Yes, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. That's

what you ought to be.

Ashamed. Well, if there's anything I can't stand, it's a blabbermouth

Unfortunately, Tim, he is in the right and we are wrong.

We have disturbed the even tenor of his life.

Oh, well, he's thrown a few clinkers into ours. You know that, don't you?

we have no choice but to employ friendly persuasion. We can't force him to

cooperate.

Honey. I can explain everything.

It's my wife.

I told you she wasn't going to like this.

Honey, don't worry. Good morning, madam.

Madam, I assure you there was no thought of deceiving you.

This unfortunate situation was entirely unpremeditated. And I have every

intention of correcting it as quickly as possible.

Yes, yes, your husband's already apprised us of his family

And I can only say that I shall see to it personally that none of you suffer

during his absence.

Well, of course, if you feel that's necessary.

Don't worry, dear.

I'll be right here.

What was all that about?

Well, she feels that it would only be fair for us to support the family while

her husband is in his present condition.

They're moving in with us.

The whole family?

Yes.

Oh, that's great.

That's just what this community needs.

A family boarding house. Rooms with nuts.

Yoo -hoo, Tim!

Did you hear the wonderful news?

Well, uh, no, Mrs. Brown. I just got home from work. Well, Captain Wharton

suddenly taken very ill.

That's wonderful news?

Oh, well, not for Captain Wharton, of course. But it's a perfectly marvelous

break for Bill Brennan. Well, I've always said that Brennan deserves every

he can get. Oh,

that's beautiful. Just beautiful, Bill.

Oh, Laura, you're too kind.

I was just thinking the same thing.

What were you rehearsing for, Lieutenant?

Pain?

No, Tim, that's what I was trying to tell you.

Captain Wharton got sick, and so they put Bill in charge of the police follies

tonight. You remember you bought tickets from Bill. Oh, yes, I remember. My arm

still hurts from the twisting.

Oh, he did no such thing. You're just saying that.

It's for a very worthy charity, and there'll be some marvelous entertainment

talent there.

Especially now that I'm in charge.

I've added three more solos for myself, next to closing, of course.

Wouldn't right after closing be better?

Well, someday you will go too far, and I hope it's soon.

Bill, I'm just teasing.

Now stop it, Tim.

I've baked some fudge brownies, and I want you and Martin to come down and

us celebrate.

Oh, well, look at me. It wasn't my idea.

Well,

I don't know if we can, Mrs. Brown. You see, he's not feeling very well, and I

don't think he'll be able to come down. Well, then we'll come up there just as

soon as I take the brownies out of the oven.

Oh, well, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Well, of course you would, Tim.

Otherwise, your brownies would be burned to a crisp.

What's the matter, O 'Hara? All of a sudden you don't look too well.

Well, I have a funny feeling that Uncle Martin and I are going to be sick soon.

Oh, nothing trivial, I hope.

Uncle Martin!

We're in trouble.

What are you doing up

there?

The way you charged in here, you frightened me.

You frightened everybody.

Everybody?

What do you mean, everybody?

It's all right, folks.

He's harmless.

Where did all these squirrels come from? What's wrong?

They're my family.

Your uncle agreed to take care of us.

That's true.

But at the time, I didn't realize that you were contributing so heavily to the

population explosion.

You've got to get rid of him, quick.

Mrs. Brown and Brennan are on their way up here. Up here? What for?

Well, Brennan has been putting charge of the police follies, and they're coming

up here to celebrate.

Coming up here to celebrate? Yeah. That doesn't make sense. Mrs. Brown thought

of it. In that case, it doesn't have to make sense.

Your attention, everybody, please. Your attention.

Quiet, please. Quiet, fellas. Wait.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

We have a small crisis in the making.

However, with your cooperation, I'm sure that it's nothing that we can't handle.

Oh, Loralee, I fail to understand why you insist on celebrating my good

with the O 'Haras. The only thing I have in common with them is a mutual

distrust. That's a beginning, Bill. You should try to build on that foundation.

Loralee, wait.

What is it?

I just saw a squirrel jump out of that tree into the O 'Hara's apartment.

A squirrel?

Now, why in the world would a squirrel go in Tim's apartment?

Well, obviously in search of squirrel food.

And I must say, he went to the right place.

Oh, Bill. Come on, we'll be late.

Now, since you're too big to hide behind anything, we'll merely introduce you as

a friend who was here on a short visit.

Where have you been?

I was worried about you.

Here they come.

Never mind that now. We're about to receive some unwelcome visitors.

Quick, madam, quick. Behind the fireplace.

I think there's room for one more.

Yoo -hoo, Martin. Tim, here we are.

Hello, everybody. Oh, hello, Mrs. Brown. Hi, Lieutenant Brown. How are you? How

are you? Hi, it's good to see you. Hi. What are you so jumpy about, O 'Hara?

He's excited about your good fortune.

As for myself, I'm relieved.

Relieved? Yes. A while ago, I thought someone had taken ill when I heard the

caterwauling. I'm relieved it was only Brennan exercising his vocal cords. I

believe the 18th century poet William Shenstone could have had you in mind

he said, Jealousy is the fear or apprehension of superiority.

Envy our uneasiness under it.

Yes, yes. And a century before that, an even greater English poet, William

Shakespeare, observed that the empty vessel makes the greatest sound.

Now, boys, just stop this bickering.

We're all friends here, and if we're not, we should be.

Oh, hello.

Oh, well, uh, Loralee, may I present, uh, may I present our friend, Mr., uh,

Mr., uh, Mr., Mr.

Squirrelton. Uh, Red Squirrelton.

Uh, Red, this is our very dear landlady, Mrs. Brown.

I've seen you before, Mrs. Brown.

And I think you're very nice for a human being.

Oh, well, now aren't you the flatterer.

Just like that, you get the very first fudge brownie. Oh, they're delicious.

The only reason I can say that is because I made them myself, and I

should know.

Here you are.

What in the world?

What's he doing?

Well, he's a very finicky eater, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, well, I thought maybe he didn't like my brownie. Oh, no, ma 'am.

They're delicious.

The best part is the shells are nice and soft so you don't have to break your

teeth getting to the nut meat.

He has a warm and sensitive humor, doesn't he?

Red, I'd like to introduce you to Lieutenant Brennan.

He's a policeman.

If you're looking for a secret panel, you're wasting your time.

As we were coming up here, I saw a squirrel jump in your window, O 'Hara.

Well, he was probably trying to escape from your singing.

Good chance, Loralee, this place of theirs is infested with squirrels.

At one time, I had squirrels in my attic.

You sure it wasn't bats in your belfry?

Very amusing, O 'Hara.

Juvenile, but amusing.

They did a lot of damage, Loralee, before I could get rid of them.

To protect your investment here, I suggest you have this place inspected.

dear. Do you really think I should?

Most emphatically, those little beggars are very destructive.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself talking about squirrels like that.

It's people like you that go around cutting down trees so they don't have

place to sleep and put their food so they have to move into your old attics.

think they like living in attics?

It's cold and drastic and half the time the roof leaks when it rains and all you

can think of is exterminating them. You want to be ashamed of yourself, that's

what you want to be ashamed.

I have a good mind to report you to the SPCA.

I think I heard something. Brendan, the only squirrel in this place is you. And

if you don't believe me, why don't you search the place? Why don't you start

with that closet?

No, no, no.

All right, I will.

My nut cup runneth over.

They've been storing their nuts in there today.

I knew there was something funny going on around here the minute I saw that

squirrel jump through that window.

Loralee, this is the worst infestation I've ever seen.

You get on that telephone and call up the exterminator this very minute. The

exterminator?

been left without saying goodbye.

Is he coming back?

I hope so, Laura Lee.

For all our sakes. Not to mention his family. I certainly hope so.

Jim, put that on that left antenna while I do the right one.

Gone. Gone without a trace. Not just red, but the entire family. Lock, stock,

barrel, and nuts.

Hard to blame them, Tim.

Once they got the idea that an exterminator was on his way here, Tim,

serious. Well, yeah, but wait till Red finds out the molecular reassembler is

working.

The question is, will he find out in time?

Hey, there he is. Quick, tell him.

You'll frighten him.

Red? Red, listen to me.

This is Martin O 'Hara. We're ready for you now.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're not going to exterminate me.

I got a family to think about.

You go find somebody else to experiment on.

He's running away.

Brad, wait!

It's no use, Tim.

He doesn't trust us human beings.

And I don't blame him.

You and I are going to have to join forces.

I can keep track of him with my built -in TV scope.

But you're going to have to catch up with him and talk him into coming back

here. And there isn't much time.

Well, I've never chased a squirrel up a tree before, but I'm willing to give it

a try.

Hurry, Tim. Time is running out.

I just couldn't keep up with him.

I swear I've been up every nut tree in this town.

Look, it's bad enough changing a squirrel into a man.

Well, pretty soon you're going to have to change a man into a squirrel.

I just can't catch him.

If you'll pardon the expression, I'm up a tree.

Yeah, listen, he's a man now with a man -sized appetite.

Huh? If you were a man in his shoes, where would you go to get nuts?

To a nut shop.

Well? Ye olde nut shop.

Right. His keen sense of smell has picked up the aroma of roasting nuts

Olde Nut Shop. That's right in the neighborhood.

He's being drawn irresistibly to it.

Now, if you hurry, you can get there before he does.

And hurry, Tim. We have only about half an hour left. Gotcha.

Hi.

Can I help you? Uh -uh.

Oh, I do believe that this lady was in front of me.

No, you were ahead of me. Oh, well, it doesn't matter. I was just looking.

Just looking?

For a friend.

Not fancy.

Excuse me.

Uncle Martin, do you read me? Loud and clear.

Not so loud.

Tim, can you hear me?

Yes, and shh.

He's coming. Don't let him get away.

I'll be right there.

Ren. Ren,

it's me, Tim.

What did you do that for?

You scared the wits out of me. You people always go around scaring us like

just for the fun of it, don't you? You just enjoy seeing us jump and run

you're bullies. Admit it. You enjoy it, don't you?

He's a little nervous.

I'm sorry, Red.

I didn't mean to startle you.

Now, come on down here.

No. Yes.

No! Red, Uncle Martin has the you -know -what fixed.

Yeah? Honest. So if you'll just go back to the apartment with me. Oh, no, you

don't. You've got an exterminator up there. I give my word. Yeah, I see your

scheme. You just want to cover up your mistakes by exterminating me. Well, I'm

not going with you. You humor them.

I'll call the police.

I'm sorry about this. I guess you think we're a couple of nuts.

I like nuts.

That's why I'm here.

I just love them. You do?

So do I.

This place is just beautiful.

I wish my wife could see it. Yes, please.

Oh, can I help, sir?

Oh, no, thank you. I can manage. Now, just a moment, sir.

Well, no, no. It's all right. I'll pay for them. Well, how are you going to pay

for them when I don't know how many he's got? I have to weigh them. You hear the

lady, Red?

Now, you give her back the nuts so that she can weigh them so that I can pay for

them. What do you mean pay for them?

Nuts grow on trees.

They belong to everybody.

Sir, these nuts do not belong to everybody. These nuts belong to ye olde

shop until such time as you pay for them. That's the trouble with people.

They think everything belongs to them just because they say so.

You don't want the rest of us to have a single solitary thing unless it's

something you don't want yourself.

Uncle Martin, help.

Hell.

Mr. O 'Hara?

Yes, yes, I'm Martin O 'Hara.

Do you know these two characters?

Why, of course. This is my nephew, Tim, and a friend of his. Well, this one

claims he's a squirrel.

Well, officer, I tried to explain about that.

Mm -hmm.

And your explanation didn't make any more sense than his explanation.

This one that says he's a squirrel keeps jumping from counter to counter, like

he's trying to prove it.

Perhaps I was carrying it a bit too far, Red.

The fact of the matter is, officer, that our friend here is a squirrel.

Is that a fact?

Our friend is a squirrel, Tim here is a squirrel, and I'm a squirrel.

Oh, you heard of the beetles, the animals, the chipmunks? Well, I'd like

introduce you to the squirrel.

We're a new vocal group, and we're trying to get a little publicity for

tonight's performance.

I have a feeling the only place you're going to sing tonight is in a police

station. Oh, but officer, officer, you can't do that. Lieutenant Brennan is

counting on us to perform at the police follows, and we're due there now.

Bill Brennan?

Of course.

Is that a fact?

Yes. Now, goodbye, officer, if you'll excuse us. Wait a minute.

I'll drive you down there. Red lights, sirens, the works. Oh, that won't be

necessary. Ah, but I insist.

How much time we got? About five minutes and thirty -one seconds. All right, you

fellas, hold it right here a minute.

Lieutenant Brennan, the squirrels are here.

Squirrels? Uh, the vocal group, the squirrels, for the program tonight.

I don't have any group called the squirrels.

Better than my old friends, the O 'Harens. What's going on? I'll find out

soon as I get these three nuts down to the stage. Quick, camera at this rate!

Follow me!

Follow me.

How about out front?

There are about 4 ,000 policemen out there. With 300 cops backstage, we

got any choice.

This is the only safe place.

Where? On stage.

Why? The squirrels are about to make their debut. I can't say anything.

All you have to do is move your lips and I'll take care of the rest. No, no, no.

I'm going to run all night.

I'm going to run all day.

I'll bet my money on a bobtail mag. Somebody bet on it. Somebody bet on it.

Somebody bet on the bag.

I'm going to run for a smash.

Yes, I'm counted on that.

Oh, will you listen to that applause?

We're the biggest thing since long haircuts.

You didn't. Of course I did. That was the purpose of the entire operation.

Red. Oh, come on, Red. Would you just listen for a second? We're a smash.

You could have a fortune. You could have a house in Calm Springs.

Really. A whole swimming pool full of nuts.

All right,

O 'Hara. What were you doing running all over the place? You're under arrest

until I find out what you were up to.

Bill, how can you say that?

Why, they're... How do you say it in show business?

A smash.

I'll smash them, all right.

Brennan, we were just trying to publicize the show for you.

Help you get the money for the policeman's fund.

A likely story.

Brennan? Yes, Captain. Brilliant show. Introduce me. Better still, make sure

you're raised to have these marvelous squirrels at our departmental party next

month. Yes, Captain.

Oh, Harrah. Oh, buddy.

Where's Red?

Red?

He's gone.

Gone? We broke up the act.

Oh, but you can't do that. I promised the captain.

Well, that's showbiz.