Original subtitles

My name is Jose O 'Hare.

My name is Jose.

My name is Jose.

Uncle Martin, your wandering nephew has returned.

Well, how do I go in if I do not enter?

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin, wake up. You're blowing your top.

Oh.

Oh, Tim.

Tim, you weren't supposed to be home until tomorrow.

Well, it's a darn good thing I got back today.

You were asleep at the switch.

You had steam coming out of your ears and you were... What were you doing

anyway? I was merely cleansing my system of fluosis.

And at no time was I in any danger of blowing my top.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you'd sort of popped a safety valve or something.

What are you looking at me like that for? I'm looking at you and I'm looking

symptoms.

Hmm. Your misguided zeal has exposed you to the virus.

Virus? Virus M.

Commonly referred to as fluosis.

Fluosis. I never heard of it. Of course not. It's been exclusively a Martian

malady.

Until now.

Did you say until now?

Go over there and look.

Go ahead.

supposed to do now?

Go on and get a job as a real live barber pole?

I have always said that you are more than welcome here. But next time you

would you mind leaving your weird Martian germs at home?

I might remind you, Tim, I did put a sign on the door warning you to stay

Well, all right. Well, I thought you were in trouble.

How was I to know you were steam -cleaning your head?

Well, nothing done that can't be undone.

I have some biocarnate doryllium that will remove the stripes and also prevent

the other symptoms from occurring. Yeah, just one second.

What other symptoms?

Oh, nothing of any consequence.

Without the inoculant, you might run a slight fever alternating with a cold...

Brennan.

Well?

Don't tell me your charming landlady has finally recognized your true character

and is throwing you out bag in baggage.

Let me not. Tim has been out of town on an assignment for his newspaper.

Oh, really?

And I thought the air was clear because the smog had lifted.

Is he playing charades with that south of the border fedora?

I give up. What's he supposed to be? A man who's minding his own business. I

suggest you go elsewhere and do likewise.

Oh, Harry, you're up to something.

There's guilt written all over your face.

Is that really your nephew behind that hat?

Of course. Who else could it be?

That's what I'm going to find out.

Well, hi, Brennan. Catch any crooks lately?

Well, what have we here? New dimensions in the art of finger painting?

Oh, how very perceptive of you, Brennan, considering you flunked kindergarten.

I'm sorry that you've got to run, Brennan.

It would seem to me, O 'Hara, that you're inordinately anxious to be rid of

Oh, it's nothing personal, Lieutenant.

It's just as Shakespeare said, rub the poor itch of your opinion and make

yourself scabs. I think he also said, and I quote...

So full of artless jealousy is guilt, it spills itself in fearing what it

spills. Yes.

Oh, you don't fool me for one minute. Your evil little mind is engaged in some

nefarious enterprise, and I mean to find out what it is.

So that's it.

So what's what?

Conspiring to endanger the health and safety of an entire community.

Well, there are laws on this subject I'm happy to say.

Now, just one cotton -picking minute, Brennan. There is nothing wrong with me.

just have sunburn, that's all, yes. I was lying under a ladder and I got

sunburn. That's pathetic.

Well, I didn't take a second major in pathology for nothing when I was at

I know what's wrong with you. You do?

Yes.

What? You have a particularly rare, contagious form of tropicanus maladitis

right.

This is Lieutenant Brennan.

Get me an emergency ambulance from City Hospital.

Ambulance?

Could he be right?

Tim, the Brennans in this world are never wrong. Even when they aren't

Listen, I don't understand why you just didn't go like that and get that bio,

buy that stuff.

Because Brendan didn't take his eyes off me the whole time I was there. Well, I

hope you realize if I get examined, your goose is cooked. I'm painfully aware of

that unhappy fact, Tim, and I have no intention of letting it happen.

Hey, hey, hey, what do you think this is, a freeway? Look, Sam, now don't

holler. I'm not hollering.

I'm not going to holler either, so just don't holler. Don't holler, because I'm

not going to holler. I'm not. I'm not. All right, take it easy. All right, I'm

easy. Now, you are practically coming down my side of the freeway. The court.

Yours? Where'd you get that can of beans, huh?

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. I'm sure this can be settled in a quiet and

amicable manner.

Butt out, will you, Mac? I happen to be a police officer here on official

business. Oh.

Well, I didn't know that. I'm terribly sorry, officer.

But the thing is, I've been 15 years in this hospital here, sir, with a perfect

safety record.

Until just now when Sam runs his gurney into me.

I ran into you. You ran into me. And I got witnesses. You, you ran into me.

I've seen this happen before, officer.

Sam tends to become emotional in crisis.

I am not concerned with Sam's emotional problems. Right now, my only concern is

to get this man into isolation before he contaminates this... What happened to O

'Hara?

What happened to O 'Hara?

That's funny. He was here just a minute ago.

No, he was here just a minute ago, but he isn't here.

O 'Hara. Both O 'Haras.

They've escaped.

Quick, surround the building.

Me? I mean, quick, take me to the chief administrator. I'll throw a cordon

around this entire neighborhood. They shall not pass.

What are we doing here?

We're going to borrow this gentleman's room while he's in surgery.

What do we need a room for? As a temporary haven.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to take an examination by a competent

physician.

Otherwise, Brennan's going to ask for a full investigation.

Well, don't you just think the doctor might notice these and think I'm some

of interplanetary typhoid, Mary?

By that time, the stripes will be gone.

Ah, here we are. Now sit down. Sit down right there. What are you going to do

with that?

A temporary disguise in case someone comes in while I'm gone.

Gone? Where are you going? There isn't time to go home for the antidote. So

have to improvise something with whatever primitive earth drugs are

the local pharmacy. Well, while you're down at the local pharmacy, would you

mind getting a large bottle of aspirin? Because I think I'm going to have a king

-size headache.

Here. Here. You keep rapping.

Because I'd better check on Brennan. You can never tell what fearless Fosdick

will do next.

Of course I'm positive, Dr. Carson.

After all, I took a second major in pathology at Yale.

Yes.

I am responsible for the administration of this hospital, and I will not allow

my patient's routine to be upset on your diagnosis, especially one of which I've

never heard and one which I seriously doubt. I am aware of your

responsibilities, Doctor, and I am also aware of mine.

I assure you, the instant you see young O 'Hara, you will recognize him as a

menace to society.

All right.

But until I examine him personally, there will be no general alarm.

You may have the services of the hospital security guards.

Very well, Doctor.

The important thing in a situation like this is perceptive leadership, which I

shall supply.

All right.

Follow me. This is it.

If that man's head were any bigger, I could put it in a bottle and sell it

to the medical school.

What an intriguing idea.

Even your own mummy wouldn't know you, Tim.

Will you stop with the corny jokes? What about Brennan?

Well, fortunately, Brennan has a most unfortunate personality, which Dr.

Carson found something less than intriguing.

Hmm. Now, this should complete the disguise.

Yes.

I feel like a Medicare package.

Can you tell me the way the nearest bus stop?

Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, yes. Well, I suppose I should be, but actually there's a very reasonable

explanation for all this. Well, I know what the explanation is. You're just a

big baby, Mr.

Abernathy. Yes, well, Mr. Abernathy? Now we're going to be a brave little

soldier and go right back to surgery, aren't we?

Surgery?

I'll tell you what.

You go to surgery, and I'll try and drop in later.

Mr. Abernathy, you're not being very cooperative.

Well, there's a very good reason for that. You see, I'm not who you think I

Well, not really.

My name isn't... My name happens to be... Mud. That's what it happens to be.

Pardon me, nurse, but I'm looking for a couple of miscreants who are trying to

escape. Well, I have one here.

Only I don't think he's the one you're looking for.

Oh? What seems to be the problem?

Well, Mr. Abernathy here is supposed to be in surgery, but he evidently panicked

and ran away.

Really? Well, now, Mr.

Abernathy, perhaps I can be of some assistance.

There's really no need to subject yourself to that moment of abject

There isn't?

Of course not. Nurse, why don't you give Mr. Abernathy here a good, strong

sedative to see him through?

An excellent idea, officer.

A sedative?

Oh, no, no, no.

I'll be a good little soldier.

You better.

Hurry, Sam. Dr. Blair must be running late or he would have been calling for

Abernathy hours ago. Don't worry, ma 'am. I'll have him there in a double

Shouldn't cause any trouble this time. I gave him a good, strong sedative.

Yes, ma 'am.

patients in one day. Oh, I'll get a bad reputation.

I'm back here with my patients.

Here we are, Tim.

One swallow of this and you'll be good as new.

Tim, are you asleep?

Tim.

Tim, wake up.

Tim, look at me.

You're beautiful.

Tim. Tim.

Tim.

Watch my finger.

I'm trying to dissipate the sedative by speeding up the flow of blood through

your brain.

All right, all right!

I think my red corpuscles are turning white.

Are you awake?

Well, I guess so, more or less. Did you get the antidote?

Unfortunately, we don't dare use it now that you've been given a sedative. I

have no idea what the side effects might be.

Well, I'm willing to take a chance.

Thank you, Tim.

But I'm not.

They could be disastrous.

We'll just have to let the virus M run its natural course.

and try to keep you out of sight during the sanity process.

The what?

Well, unhappily with virus M, the manifestations become rather

And worse, they may begin at any moment.

Well, that's what I like about you, Uncle Martin. You really know how to put

guy at ease.

The curtain's just outside the elevator, and it's about to stop at the next

floor.

That's odd. There's no orderly with this patient.

That's Mr. Abernathy from room 412.

I was there just a short while ago.

Excuse me, Lieutenant. Are you using the elevator?

No. As a matter of fact, this patient just came up without any attendant.

Yeah? Boy, somebody's in big trouble. The hospital's got very strict rules

that. I'll have somebody check on it as soon as I get this patient into his

room. Thank you.

try to escape through the boiler room.

Now you stand here while I make a search of the area.

That patient is smoking!

Is there some sort of hospital rule against patients smoking?

He's gone.

I'm beginning to think you people don't know how to run a hospital.

You send Mr. Abernathy up here without an attendant and then someone comes

and practically spirits him away.

What's Mr. Rabanathie got to do with it?

That's Mr.

Rabanathie in there. I don't know who your patient was.

Nonsense. I was in room 412 when they brought him in. I never forget a face

when it... I never saw his face. Only the bandage.

O 'Hara has done it again.

Come on. They had to go this way.

something. I am going up in smoke.

I am doing something, Tim. I'm looking for an empty room to put you in during

the crisis.

Ah, there's one.

Crisis? What crisis?

You didn't say there was going to be a crisis. I didn't want to worry you, Tim.

The fact of the matter is you're going to be a lot worse before you're better.

What you said about a crisis, you didn't mean it. I have every reason to

believe, Tim, that you will survive.

I'm not so sure about myself.

Well, what are you supposed to mean by that?

Protecting myself.

In a few moments, your temperature is going to start down, and it's going to

very cold in here. What does my temperature have to do with the weather?

Everything. Your system will be throwing off heat and cold molecules alternately

as it expels the submicroscopic infectious agents of virus M. You will

experience a great deal less discomfort than I. Oh, now, just a minute. You

can't mean... Hey, hey, hey, the water cooler. It's freezing up.

They couldn't have gone that way.

No. They must be in one of those rooms.

Check that door.

That wasn't so bad, Uncle Martin. Well, don't cheer yet. Your temperature is

going to keep vacillating in a continually broadening range.

Open up in there.

Open up. This is the police.

O 'Hara!

Are you in there? That sounds like Brennan. It is Brennan. What are we

do? Well, there's nothing we can do except sweat it out.

And the jungle growing in there.

Quick, get Dr. Carson. We've got to save his office.

Go.

I think so. Is it over?

We'll know in a minute.

You're cured.

Your face is still flushed, but it doesn't look like anything more than a

sunburn. Oh, well, that's what I told Brennan I had.

So you did, and that may prove to have been an inspiration.

What's that?

Well, it sounds like our bloodhound has turned into a battering ram.

Perhaps I'd better tidy up, because we're going to have company.

What in the name of Mabel's metatarsal do you think you're doing? There's a

howling blizzard in your office, Doctor, and there are two men, and they're

freezing to death. A howling blizzard?

What is this?

You were babbling about a steaming jungle. That was before the blizzard.

be some explanation to your irrational behavior ever since you came into this

hospital. This whole room was... There was a raging snowstorm in here, Doctor,

and the wind was howling. And just before that, it was like a steaming

All right, all right.

But I know I saw red stripes on young O 'Hara's face.

Offhand, I'd say this patient has a simple case of sunburn.

Oh, I tried to tell you that, Brennan.

I did see red stripes on your face. I did see red stripes on his face, Doctor.

saw it with my own eyes.

Oh, Tara, what are you trying to pull off here? You know as well as I do he

a classic case of tropicanus maleditus rareitis.

Well, I can truthfully say, Lieutenant Brennan, that I know nothing of the

I'm afraid the Lieutenant has been overworked, Doctor.

I've noticed he really hasn't been himself in the past few days.

Tell me, Lieutenant.

When was the last time you had a complete physical and mental checkup?

last month, Doctor. We always have our checkup. Oh, now, wait a minute, Doctor.

There's something wrong with me. Of course there isn't, Lieutenant.

However, I have a very good friend down the hall. Oh, you'll like him.

He's a doctor, too. Come along.

It occurs to me, Tim, that our old friend, Detective William Brennan, may

be the same.

None of it occurs to me. But anything.

Would be an improvement.

Agreed.

Oh, no.

Not again.

Uncle Martin!

What, Tim?

Your ears, sir.

Oh.

Well, no need for alarm, Tim. You are forever immune from virus M.

I am?

Mm -hmm.

That's the one area in which an earthling's physical system is superior

Martian's. You can build an immunity to certain diseases.

Oh. Well, I'm glad there's one that... Brennan.

No, no, no, Brennan, don't come in here.

I assure you it was not my idea. It was my analyst.

He advised me that my first step toward rehabilitation was to apologize for my

actions. We accept your apology. Goodbye.

Now, see here, O 'Hara, I came to apologize and I'm going to apologize.

Now, I do admit that after all that's happened today, my face is a bit red.

A bit red.

Well, do you accept my apology or am I going to stay here until I turn blue?

Well, just don't stand there.

Let's get the antidote.

If he sees those stripes, we'll wind up wearing some.