Original subtitles

Okay, fella, here we go.

Attaboy.

Okay, okay.

All right, now listen.

When Uncle Martin asks you where you live, you tell him, right? And then

dinner, I'll take you back to your master.

Okay?

Home, Uncle Martin. And I'd like you to meet my date for this evening.

Oh, good evening, Tim.

A guest for dinner?

Yeah.

What do you call that?

Beautiful.

Beautiful?

That's one of my kitchen chairs.

The one with the even legs.

Tim, what would you say if I told you that your kitchen chair was right here?

You're putting me on.

That is my kitchen chair?

Mm -hmm, it is.

Let's see you sit on it.

You don't understand, Tim.

But to give you an idea of what I've accomplished here, I want you to think

field of flowers.

A field of flowers.

Now, we condense every delicate blossom into a single little bottle of perfume.

Oh,

oh, then that is perfume of kitchen chairs. Exactly.

It'll never sell.

I suppose, Tim, you're aware that all things animal and vegetable are composed

mainly of water. Well, I've had times when my knees have turned to water.

I've developed a method of miniaturizing and distilling such things into a tiny

fraction of their original volume and in liquid form.

I call it super micro distillating liquid chemicals.

Super micro distillating liquid chemicals.

Sounds like a song I've heard before.

It's nothing so frivolous. Oh, of course not.

It's for more important things, like making kitchen chair juice.

That was merely experimental.

You see, you haven't lost a kitchen chair, Tim.

You've merely lost a border.

Lost a border? I intend to super micro -distillate.

Liquid chemical size myself.

Down to half a cup of liquid.

Light enough to escape Earth's gravity in my spaceship and to return to Mars.

But I'll need a bit of help from you.

Sure.

Anything I can do.

I'll need you to pour the essence of me into a container.

Place it aboard my spaceship and launch me on my way.

How soon do you think you'll be leaving?

Tonight.

As soon as I can have my ship ready.

I can't believe it, Tim.

Tonight, and I shall be soaring toward that distant shore, that seat of genius,

that reddish gleam, that precious stone set in the jeweled space, that blessed

orb, that happy isle, that Mars.

That sounds like something that Shakespeare wrote about England.

Of course it does.

From whom do you think he borrowed it?

Uncle Martin, you'll never get off the ground.

You're trying to take everything but the kitchen sink.

I knew I'd left something.

You mean to tell me you actually expect to get all that junk into the spaceship?

Certainly.

How did you do that? It looks like a half a pair of dice. Well, it was quite

simple, really.

When your own Earth scientists finally split the atom, they too discovered it

consisted mostly of space.

I merely removed that space.

Here, give me a hand with it, will you?

Well,

I only removed the space, Tim, not the matter itself.

Oh, I've heard of a load of dice.

Particularly. I've already placed full instructions for my reconstitution in

spaceship. The special container to hold the liquid is ready. And you know how

to launch the ship.

Now, all that remains is super micro -distillating liquid chemicals.

Super micro -distillating liquid chemicals.

Everything you put in it comes out in liquid doses.

But you're a man of house.

Or just a bunch of roses, super -microdistillating leprechaun mucosa.

Tim!

Now I know where Mary Poppins got that.

This time you're wrong, Tim.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is entirely original with her.

But isn't it a remarkable coincidence?

Well, I guess I was just joking around because... Well, I hate to say goodbye.

But it's not necessary for you to say goodbye, Tim.

You see, I've read your mind, and I know how you feel about my leaving.

I'm a little sad, too.

But I'll be dropping in from time to time.

Tim, that little jar over there, would you hand it to me, please?

Sure.

Now, this is the stuff that does the liquefying.

A rare Martian ore called Norrishkite.

I suppose I can write to him and carry the general delivery tomorrow.

Well, fella, if you ever want a place to stay, this is it.

There'll be plenty of room now.

Oh, I forgot.

I left the cosmic ray -proof container down in the garage.

Be right back.

Uncle Martin, don't go away.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin? Uncle Martin, indeed.

Or should I say, Uncle Martin in dog.

Uncle Martin, it... It's you.

Who were you expecting?

Lassie? Of course it's me.

The instant this flea transport lapped up my essence, it went directly to his

intellectual center and I took over.

Well, we've got to get you out of there. I suppose you know how.

Well, couldn't you just, uh... No, I couldn't just, uh...

I'd end up with my essence mixed with the dogs.

I have to find a way to completely separate the two.

I'd like to know what's so funny. I'm talking to a dog.

The dog's talking back to me.

It's kind of wild. And when I solidified, I expected to be home on

Right now.

You'd be a sensation on TV.

Good morning, I'm back.

Well, I see you got the answer. How did you know?

Your tail is wagging.

Well, you're right, Tim. I have found it. A simple way to liquefy the dog,

separate the two essences, mine and his, and reconstitute them individually.

It, uh, it won't hurt the pup with it. Then what do you take me for?

Of course not.

Now, if you could run over to a chemical company, I'll need a pint of

aliostomethophene 16.

Right.

Aliostomethophene 16.

Right. One pint.

Well, that equation seems to be correct.

Oh, my.

That should be aliostomethophene 15, not 16.

Tim! Tim!

Tim! Wait!

I made a mistake.

Tim! Wait!

It isn't 16, Tim. It's 15.

Tim!

Tim! Wait, Tim!

Blazing meteorites.

Uncle Martin, I'm back.

Hey, listen, that stuff doesn't come in a 16. It only comes in a 15.

Well, at least that's what I brought.

If it doesn't work, I can always take it back.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

You?

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good

morning.

Glynnis, will you listen to your poor husband, please?

I've got to get away someplace quiet. I need a complete rest.

Today I've been hearing voices.

What do you mean you've been hearing voices?

You've been hearing voices, too.

I've been hearing voices where there are no voices.

I was sure. I heard voices. I went over to one of the cages. I thought somebody

was in there. There was nobody in there but some barking dogs.

I'm telling you, I'm cracking up, Glynnis. Look at my handshake.

Will you shut up and look?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Sorry,

I didn't mean to stall you like that.

It's not your fault.

It's just that I've been having a terrible day. I've been hearing nothing

voices behind me. And I've been afraid to turn around and see nothing but dogs

again. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

No, I'm not.

You say you've been hearing nothing but voices, and every time you turned

around, there was nothing but dogs?

It's eerie.

Would you say it sounded like a man?

Yeah, yeah, that's right. You've been hearing them, too? Well, let's just say

that if you were to show me the same...

I might just hear the same voices.

You mean you want it on purpose?

That's how I get my kicks.

There are the cages.

Be my guest.

Live.

That's it, huh?

Not the only one? Oh, except one, two, two.

One, two, two? What's that, a license number? No, one is the number. Two, two

the name.

Little brown and white mutt. Cute.

Keeps running away.

Yo, what happened to him?

Picked up by the lady who owns him. Picked up by the lady who owns him?

hour ago.

Mamma mia.

Oh, my poor darling.

Oh, my poor little sweetheart.

Did you miss your mommy?

Your mommy missed little...

I'm so happy he's back safe and sound.

And now, let me see you sit up and beg for mommy.

Up, doo -doo, up.

And now this is for you.

A doggie yummy.

And now...

Mommy's going to fix baby his favorite dinner, raw liver.

Raw liver? I've not only got to reach Tim, he's got to get me out of here

dinner.

That's right in the neighborhood.

Uh -huh. Well, then please hurry, Tim. You can't imagine what I've been going

through.

And she does nothing but hug me and kiss me all the time. She's mad about me.

I have to say goodbye, Tim. Just hurry.

looking. Where?

Say hello to Tutu.

Not that cockroach. Where's lover boy?

Ah!

Lover boy. Hector, the homewrecker.

I heard a man's voice in here.

A man's voice in here?

Don't say it was a TV set I heard. I felt it and it's cold.

Honey, did you have a drink with the boys on your way home?

You mean nobody's been here and nobody's here now?

Only me and Tutu.

Jealous.

I could have sworn I heard a voice.

Look,

he wants you to take him for a walk, don't you, Tootoo?

Isn't that precious? He answered me right back.

Now don't keep him waiting, honey.

Why couldn't you have been born a great dame?

What's with you and my wife? Bernard, have you lost your mind? I've never seen

that man before.

Yeah, well, Tutu seems to know him pretty good.

Oh, well, I can explain that. You know how a dog is man's best friend? Yeah.

I'm a dog.

Don't do anything you're going to be sorry for.

Yeah, don't do anything I'll be sorry for.

Now, listen, you. I got a phonographic memory. I never forget a voice.

Now, you say, hug me and kiss me. Go ahead.

Hug me and kiss me.

You're not the voice I heard.

I'm glad.

You poor man. Are you all right?

Bernard, you ought to be ashamed.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. And just to prove it, I'll buy whatever you're selling.

No, I'm not selling anything.

No, no, I'm buying. I'd like to buy your dog.

Oh, that dog?

Did you?

He's not for sale.

Oh, well, how much?

Bernard!

How much?

Well, I can see how you are attached to the dog.

What would you think about $100?

$100 for that dog?

You must be kidding. Well, you certainly must be, Tutu, not for sale.

$200.

$200. $250.

Well, no, Tutu is not for sale, not for any price.

$275.

$275?

Uh, why don't you let me talk to my wife for a minute, huh? Yeah.

Oh, my Lord, you can't be serious. You just can't be. I wouldn't sell my little

tutu nut for a million dollars. All right, keep your shirt on, sweetheart. I

wouldn't sell a little mutt you love.

Well, then why are you even listening to that man?

To find out what his angle is.

I mean, something's funny here. Nobody offers 275 bucks for a handful of flea

bait. Flea bait?

Tutu? Okay, all right.

But what does he know that we don't? What do you mean?

I mean you needn't try to buy me.

What am I supposed to do? Just run out the door with you? I'm not a dog napper.

Finesse, dear boy. Use finesse.

Borrow me for a few hours.

Just ask.

Use a simple pretext.

That should be ample time to... Gwendolyn, did you hear what I heard?

I heard what you heard if you heard what I heard.

He talked.

He talked. The dog talked. He talked to you. I heard him. He talked.

Maybe he had something to say.

Sure, that's it. It was his voice I heard when I came home.

Hey, baby, I have heard jokes about talking dogs, but he is for real. We own

talking dog. He talked.

All this time, Tutu, and you never told us. How could you?

It'd be no wonder you offered so much for my little dog. You knew all the

Thought you could steal a gold mine from under my nose, huh?

Really now.

You mean a grown man such as you can believe a dog such as me could actually

talk? Well, I gotta admit, I feel like I'm flipping out.

Look who I'm holding a conversation with.

Yes, with whom are you holding this conversation?

Oh, well, uh, with you.

Bernard, uh, may I call you Bernard?

Sure, pal.

I think you ought to call him Daddy.

Now, hold on, sweetheart. If he wants to call me Bernard, it's okay with me. You

go ahead, too, too.

Bernard, Gwendolyn, you've both just paid me the highest tribute a

ever received.

A ventriloquist?

Oh! Oh!

Surprising, isn't it?

I mean, I'm surprised that you didn't catch on sooner.

A ventriloquist.

Well, I didn't mean to fool you so completely.

My tutu's still in for sale.

No, I thought not, but I thought maybe I might borrow him.

What for?

You would ask that, wouldn't you?

A ventriloquist.

Wouldn't you know, I'd have to have a dog that couldn't talk.

A ventriloquist.

Now, now, just a minute, Mr.

Ventriloquist. If it was his voice I heard through the door when I came home,

and he is only your dummy, then what's with you and my wife?

I'm crying.

Tim,

the moment I got out into the corridor, I threw up a force field designed to

stop Frisbee's punch.

Yeah?

Well, he beats you to it.

I'm afraid dog paws aren't the most efficient force field levitators.

me, Tim.

Oh, forget it.

Now, let's see.

The micro is humming.

The distillator is burbling. Now all we have to do is add a little nourish kite.

Not too much nourish kite now.

I'll need some to liquefy me for my flight home. Check.

Now, all we have to do is add a little alliostimethafine number 15.

That's to, uh...

Separate the men from the toys.

And a couple of ice cubes.

So, you know, a twist of lemon, this would be a marvelous cocktail.

Well, as they say on Madison Avenue, you can help me get out of this pet thing

and into a cool mart.

You may pour when you're ready, Tim.

All righty.

Now let's see if this works.

Uncle Martin, boy, am I glad to see you.

Ah, Tim, you don't know how good it feels to be a man again.

Good, I'd say, judging by the way your tail is wagging.

Tim, I think you forgot to clear the apparatus before reversing it.

And thereby hang the tail.

Well, you both look all right. On the outside, that is. How do you feel?

Well, speaking for both of us, perfect.

You don't have an urge to bark or anything, do you?

Well, come to think of it, I am suppressing an urge to howl.

Oh, no, come on, Uncle Martin, you can't. We haven't got any more Norrish

to liquefy you with.

Well, that's what I'm suppressing a desire to howl about.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess I sort of wiped out a chance for you to go home, didn't I?

never mind.

I'll find another way.

At any rate, one of us should make it home.

I'll get our little friend here back to Gwendolyn. Oh, well, I'll take him.

Well, I don't think it's advisable for you to bump into a jealous Bernard

Oh, listen, how about you? It's not going to be any easier, you know, with

phonographic memory.

What about your voice?

Have no fear, Tim. Bernard will never recognize my voice disguised like this.

No, but it sounds familiar to me.

Whose voice is that?

Bernard's. Hey, listen, Tutu. You know what? I think your mommy has raw liver

for your dinner tonight. How would you like that?

That's what I thought. You're going to like it very much.