Original subtitles

Well, what do you think, Uncle Martin?

Hmm? Suave, debonair.

Sort of gives me that Charlie's Success look, don't you think?

Mm -hmm.

And at these prices, you could easily wind up as Billy Bankruptcy.

That's the way it is with Martians.

Too practical.

Perhaps. But we Martians still believe necessity to be the mother of invention,

not the father of overextended charge accounts.

Now, shall we go?

Hey, Uncle Martin.

Now, here is a necessity that I'm out of after shave lotion.

Let's see. Mail call.

Smooth sailing.

Hey, look at this one.

Homme fatale.

Well, that sounds sort of... How's that?

Homme fatale. The men's cologne that the women just love.

Well, I wonder.

Smells like money.

I don't mind.

Come on, what's the matter?

Tim, I'm afraid some of the chemical ingredients in your Amphital could also

fatal to a Martian as well.

It's frozen my central control system, paralyzing me. How come I can hear you,

but your mouth's not moving? I've also got my shoes on, but I'm not walking

either. Now, Tim, get me out of here and home so I can arrest this situation

before it becomes permanent.

Oh, brother.

How come you're so light?

The process dehydrates and evaporates all the water from the body.

Oh.

Sir?

Just where do you think you're going with that store dummy?

Look, fella, I was not trying to purloin anything.

As a matter of fact, he's not a dummy, not by a long shot. No, he happens to be

a mannequin.

Mannequin schmannequin, this dummy is store property.

Well, I'm a customer, and I was interested in this suit, and I wanted to

in the light.

We would have been most happy to remove a similar suit from the rack to show

you. But I wanted to see it on somebody.

Please put down the dummy.

Well, the suit it's displaying happens to be a discontinued number anyway. It's

no longer in our stock.

Howard, over here, undress this dummy and replace the discontinued number it's

wearing with 235, the tweed, or 397, the black mold. Yes, sir, right away. Hold

it, hold it.

You can't do that.

Can't do what?

Undress him. Out here in public with all these people walking around.

Sir, need I remind you that this is only a... Please.

Even a dummy has his modesty to think about.

Are you sure you're feeling all right?

Remove the garment, Howard. Howard, don't touch that suit!

I want to buy it.

And I don't want anybody putting their cotton -picking hands on it.

Now, how much is it?

Well, it used to be $87 .50. I try to remember all these.

$87 .50.

And how much is the dummy?

The dummy is not for sale.

I've already told you. The dummy is store property.

All right.

And now the suit is my property.

And if you try to remove your property from my property while that is my

property, I will have you arrested for trespassing with my property.

That is the law.

It's most irregular.

I shall have to consult my superior.

How would you go stand by the front door, keep your eye out for that dummy,

Mr.

O 'Hara until I return?

What am I going to do? I can't get you out of here.

So I've observed.

The only alternative is for you to get my molecular revitalizing ray gun so I

can defrost my central control system and bring it back here.

You'll find it in the glove compartment of my spaceship.

Now hurry!

Wait a minute. What happens if that manager comes back and decides to remove

or remove that suit while I'm gone?

I think we can handle that situation.

Face me towards the elevator. He's about to go up in.

There should be a little power left in my fingertip before my controls went

Here goes.

Having him stuck between floors should give you ample time. Now get moving or I

never will.

I'm sorry, but this suit is already sold.

I got it. And none too soon. The store engineers finally released the

elevator.

All right. Tim, point the ray gun at me, then move approximately four feet away

and pull the trigger.

You're sure you want me to... Tim, don't argue.

Just move back and fire.

Why don't you look real... Tim,

what are you doing here?

Obviously, he's holding up the stall, Orly.

Better put your hands up, partner. He looks dangerous.

Oh, Bill, don't be silly.

What are you doing with that gun in your hand?

It's a toy.

I bought it for one of my nephews.

Come off it, O 'Hara. Admit the truth.

You can't fool a trained, deductive mind.

If you had bought that gun for your nephew, it would be gift -wrapped.

He obviously bought it for himself.

Keep talking, Brennan, because when you stop, it sounds great.

Oh, boys, now, I wish you wouldn't argue. This is no place.

Laurel is right. Now, why don't you take your toy and go out and play on the

freeway while we grown -ups continue with our shopping?

Shopping? Are you going to shop here? No.

Here, listen. It's terrible here. Why don't you go over to Lacey's? They have

great bargains. Do you mind? I happen to like this store. In fact, I buy all my

clothes here. Oh, you do? Well, no wonder that suit doesn't fit. Now, look.

see? See how it pinches?

Well, it certainly does look pinched to me.

Who's the one who's going to get himself pinched if he doesn't let go of me?

Honestly, I don't know why it is every time you and Bill and Martin get

together. By the way, where is your uncle?

Oh, he's around somewhere.

Where? Oh, I'd say over in the...

Toy department?

Toy department?

That's not the toy department.

I'm in space toys.

Oh, the space toys.

Yeah, try notions.

Notions looks good.

Notions? Now, where would that be?

What would he be doing in notions?

Oh, I don't know. I just have a notion he might be there.

I guess he just got stuck someplace.

Oh, well, that's a shame. With you here, I thought surely I'd run into him, too.

Oh, what a lovely fabric.

Oh, Bill, come over here and look at this fabric. Oh, this is very

Although I don't particularly care for the hat.

No, if you don't like the hat, Mrs. Brown, then you're not going to like the

suit. Because, you see, this hat comes with a suit.

It does?

Yes. Yes, you've heard of a suit having two pair of pants?

This suit has a hat.

Oh, well, maybe we can exchange the hat for another pair of pants.

You know, then again, that'd be silly. After all, how could Bill possibly wear

two pair of pants?

What did you see, Laura Lane? Oh, never mind, Bill. It's not for you.

Even if you could have exchanged the hat, you certainly don't have four legs.

Mr. O 'Hara?

Mr. O 'Hara.

Mr. O 'Hara.

My supervisor was in absolute accord with me.

The dummy is not...

The dummy is not for sale. Either you remove the suit or take back your check.

You mean he wanted to buy the dummy?

Oh, oh, oh, Harrah, I'm ashamed of you.

I mean, I can understand a growing boy playing with toy guns, but with dolls.

Well, Mr. Harrah, do you want the suit or do you not? Well, I don't think you

ought to buy it. You won't look good in a Homburg.

A Homburg?

The hat that goes with the suit instead of the other pair of pants.

Madam, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

This hat belongs... To my uncle. I'm giving it to him as a gift. Yes, yes,

I'm giving him the hat and the suit. And you leave it on the dummy until I want

to leave with it. All right? Now take the check.

And why don't you go over and wait on that nice man?

Strange.

I just know I've met that dummy somewhere before.

Oh, well.

I'll go and sit over there and wait for you boys to finish with your shopping.

What am I going to do?

I can't get clear enough to get a shot at you. You'd better find some way.

I can feel my control system tightening up.

Another 30 minutes or so, and they'll be frozen so solid, even the molecular

revitalizer won't help me.

Hey. Good morning.

Look.

I think we're running into a little luck.

It's about time.

We've run into everyone else.

I didn't do nothing.

Well, of course you did, didn't, didn't.

But would you like to do something?

Like what?

Well, like, um, shooting that dummy over there.

Okay. You see, he's Jesse James.

The famous outlaw.

Aw, he ain't Jesse James.

Well, you could pretend he's Jesse James, couldn't you?

But I can't believe he's a Martian.

I hate Martians. They're all green inside.

Okay, well, then he's a... He's a Martian.

All right.

Now let's go get him.

Now take a bead on him.

And remember, he is a Martian who is... All green and so... No,

no, no. He's not a Martian.

I know now where I've seen him before.

Tim, he looks exactly like your Alfred. How many times have I told you not to

wander away when I'm shopping?

Come on, Alfred.

Look, Mrs. Brown, I...

Uncle Martin.

Mrs. Brown.

That little boy.

That ray gun.

Tim, in the name of Neptune, get hold of yourself.

This is no time to panic.

I happen to think it's a perfect time to panic. Don't lose your step.

She's frozen stiff. And that little boy is out there with that ray gun, and

she... Can she hear us? No. She's

frozen in a state of suspended animation.

Oh, that's just great. I thought that ray gun was supposed to defreeze people.

Yes, but the molecular revitalizer ray works in reverse on humans.

It's my own fault.

I should have warned you.

However, we do have 60 minutes to undo the harm that could befall Laura Lee,

10 minutes for me.

60 minutes? And 10 minutes.

Correction, 58 and 8.

You've already wasted two minutes here falling apart at the seams.

Now get the revitalizer back and quickly.

That child could make this place look like a wax museum in no time at all.

I've got you covered!

In two seconds I'm going to have you covered with the back of my hand if you

don't stand still and let me see if this shirt fits.

Pardon me, but I believe your son has my gun.

Has your what? My gun.

He gave it to me to shoot Martians with.

Yeah, yes, yes.

Martians, not Earth men.

You see, this is a demonstration model, and we'll be selling it soon, and I'll

have to have it back.

Indian giver, Indian giver.

Give the man back his gun.

Right now, this minute.

Here.

I'm on the Martian side, even if they are all green inside.

Malcolm, you almost saw an Earthman.

All green outside.

Mr. Kelsey, I don't know how this female dummy got in the men's department.

Well, it's a cinch she didn't walk in here by herself.

Well, don't just stand there, Howard.

Pick her up, take her back to womanswear.

Yes, sir.

Okay, when I got it, I... Where's Miss Brown? She's in women's wear.

Shopping? Displaying. I'm afraid she, too, has been mistaken for a mannequin.

Oh, that's just great.

Now what are we going to do? May I suggest we first release one Martian for

active service?

What?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, okay.

we're having a moment to lose, not to mention a very dear landlady.

Tim, leave the correct amount for this aftershave cologne.

What? No, no, don't bother to wrap it. Just keep the change, will you? You

picked the strangest times to go shopping.

Homme fatale.

Isn't that the stuff that knocked you out in the first place? And in the

place, the antidote needed to restore Laura Lee.

Now, can we head for the last place where Laura Lee is without further

questions? Laura Lee?

Laura Lee?

Pardon me, young man.

But have you seen an attractive young woman, about five feet six, blonde, blue

eyes, wearing a two -piece royal blue dress, wearing white gloves, carrying a

black purse?

Well, have you?

That sounds like the dummy I took over to a woman's wear.

Dummy.

Young man, I will thank you to choose your words more carefully. You happen to

be speaking of someone who is very near and dear to me.

Dummy.

You've got to look nonchalant as you get close to her and give her a whiff of

this om fatale.

Me? Well, obviously I can't, because if I inhale some of it, I might freeze my

controls again. Oh, look.

Loralee.

Loralee. Brennan. Oh, we need him around like Florida needs another hurricane.

Loralee. Now, grab hold of Loralee and get her to some inconspicuous place.

I'll take care of Brennan with a little delusionary illusion.

Goodness sake, Loralee, why didn't you tell me?

I beg your pardon?

You look just like someone I thought was... There

she is.

Loralee, my dear.

I am not your Loralee. And kindly remove your hand, you masher.

Masher?

Now, to put her back as she was.

Don't go away, Mr. Brown.

May I help you? Yes, yes. I need some cologne.

You do?

Yes. Look, I know it's none of my business, but what do you do?

Bathe in it?

Look, sweetheart, I'm somewhat of a hurry. So can I just have one bottle of

Homme Fatale, huh? And then some night, you and I will have dinner together, and

I'll answer all of your questions, and I'll have a beer I'd like to ask, too.

Now, how about a bottle of Homme Fatale?

With pleasure.

Only we're fresh out of it. Oh, I swear.

What? Look, don't crack up about it.

You've still got enough on you to last you a month.

Even in a strong wind.

Very funny.

Now, would you just do me one favor? Would you check the stock room? Maybe

have some down there.

Uh -uh. Not a drop.

Lady just bought the last bottle of Homme Fatale we had in the store.

A lady? What lady? What'd she look like? Mister, I only keep a record of the

sale, not the customer.

She was a lady with a little kid.

A lady?

With a little kid?

Does this lady happen to have a black hat, blonde hair, blue top, green

Yeah, that kind of sounds like her.

Thanks.

You should be ashamed of yourself for accosting a woman in a public store.

Why, it's getting so women aren't safe anywhere anymore.

If there were a policeman around... My dear lady.

I am not your dear lady. And don't you dare get familiar with me, you

store Romeo.

Well, Tim, it's too bad you finished so quickly because I was beginning to enjoy

this. Yeah, well, I'm finished, all right. And so are you, and so is Mrs.

and so is... What happened?

Well, I broke the bottle before I could give her a whiff. And there's not

another bottle of that cologne in this entire store. I've been searching all

over for the lady who took... There she is!

Martin, you've got to get that bottle.

Well, Tim, I can't levitate it away from her in the middle of a department

store. Oh, come on. This is no time to play it safe.

Look, we've got exactly seven minutes before Mrs. Brown turns into a permanent

dummy.

Well, I suppose you're right.

Well, let's see which packet she has in it.

behind this drape. All right, let's hope she's still there and that we can

revive her in time. Now, you wait out here and hold off Brennan while I tend

Laurel. Wait a minute. I thought you said you couldn't expose yourself to the

direct fumes from this cologne.

Well, it's a chance I'll have to take. I'll hold my nose and hope that none of

the fumes seep through.

Oh, no.

Luke sure picked a fine place to hide her.

He's one of them. He was with the other man who had my package.

Oh, Harold.

I should have known you'd be mixed up in this. Well, I haven't the slightest

idea of what you're talking about. Oh, you don't, don't you?

Don't think you can make a fool out of me, O 'Hara. It's too late for that.

I couldn't agree with you more.

No, no, it's too dangerous.

Where is that shoplifting uncle of yours?

That way.

You know, Brennan, they ought to invent a marksmanship medal for you for

shooting off your mouth.

What's going on here?

Oh, you again.

One of my packages was stolen right from out of my arms.

Well, of all things, here it is.

What? Goodbye.

Sir, I would like to report this man. He has insulted me. Main accusation.

And who are you, sir?

I'm Lieutenant Brennan, police department.

Oh, I...

I don't seem to have my identification on this.

A detective, eh?

I'd say you look more like a shoplifter. That's one of our suits you're wearing.

You were undoubtedly trying to walk out of the store that way while drawing

attention to somebody else.

See here.

Oh, Hara, tell him who I am. I'm a shoplifter. He's a masher, that's what

He tried to accost me. What?

Mr. Kelsey, there's a mannequin walking around the window.

Oh, how? Wait, what?

there. What else?

Window shopping.

I've been looking all over for you.

You mean that's the dummy you said you were looking for?

Bill Brennan, how dare you refer to me as a dummy?

I said no such thing, Laura. I was merely asking if anyone had seen you.

believe him, honey. He's a liar. He tried to pick me up earlier.

I did not try to pick you up, madam.

I just said she just looked like you.

In fact, almost all the women seem to look like you.

Oh, so I'm not only a dummy, am I? I'm also so ordinary, I look like every

woman. I didn't say that. Wait a minute, that suit hasn't been paid for. Come

back!

Tim, after all the years that I've been visiting on your planet, there's one

thing that I don't understand.

What's that?

How can one Earthman like Brennan keep getting into so much trouble?

Oh, well, I see you got your check back. Yeah, that poor floor manager was so

happy to get rid of me. I think with a little extra effort, I could have turned

a profit.

Well, shall we go? Oh, you who, Martin, Tim.

I just wanted you to know that Bill and I have made up.

In fact, he even bought me a little gift.

It's called Femme Fatale. Isn't it divine?

Oh, I just love it.

Well, we've got to go. Bye -bye. See you at home.

Femme Fatale.

Pretty wild.