Original subtitles

Tim, I don't know when I'll get that spaceship in working order. I must

I'm discouraged.

Well, I didn't know you Martians were subject to human emotions.

Well, it's only because I've been here so long.

It's like becoming acclimated.

One of these days I'll probably catch a common cold again. Good.

Well, then maybe you'll be the one to find the cure for it.

Martin, Tim, what do you boys do in that garage all the time?

Well, as you know, Mrs. Brown, science has never been able to find a cure for

the common cold.

Yes, I know, and I think it's just terrible.

It is. It is. Well, Uncle Martin is on the verge of inventing the curable

cold. Oh, you.

Oh, honestly, Martin, if you could just ever be serious about those inventions

of yours, I know Alvin could make you both rich.

Where is your brother this morning?

Yes. Where is the Howard Hughes of Elm Street?

He went to buy a car.

A car?

Where?

Did he get the money? For me. I loaned him $600 because...

Oh, yoo -hoo! Alvin!

Hello! Hi!

Oh! Holy Toledo!

I think we've been underestimating this boy. My goodness, Alvin, I had no idea

you could get such a lovely car for only $600.

Oh, well, you can't. I only rented it for the day. The rest of the money went

for this little baby. We're going to make a fortune, sis, a fortune.

Hey, fellas, lend me a hand over here, will you?

Well, what is it?

Shh, you have to be careful for industrial spies.

Hey, run and open the door, will you, sis?

You want to help me take this into the house, fellas?

There it is, folks.

Wanamaker's Widow Wipesaver.

Wanamaker's Widow what?

It's a play on words, Tim. It's what we in the business world call a grabber.

That's a grabber.

I have a feeling it'll be by the throat.

You name it, Wanamaker's Wipesaver does it.

Sweeps, vacuums, washes the dishes, cleans the drapes, mows the lawn, trims

hedges, everything.

Really? Oh, isn't that marvelous?

Can we have a demonstration?

Well, I'm afraid we're not quite ready for a demonstration, Martin.

We still have a few bugs to iron out, but that's where you come in. You and

mechanical genius.

All you gotta do is put it together and we'll make a fortune.

Uncle Martin, the cure for the common cold.

It's beginning to sound like a very practical idea.

Nothing short of a miracle could make this month to work.

Well, I'm afraid Alvin has purchased a very large $500 lemon, paid for with

Brown's cabbage.

And that's the disheartening part. I'm certain he'll want more money from her

promote it.

And it's completely worthless.

Hey, I have a great idea.

What we do is import a Martian to go with each one of these gadgets. What do

mean? That's the only way you'll ever get them on the market. Hey, would you

just tell me one thing?

Where does Alvin come up with these jokers, anyhow?

Well, now, Alvin claims he was just walking down the street and he got lucky

when he ran into Dr. Dunlap.

All right, why don't we go and see this Dr. Dunlap and tell him that it wasn't

Alvin's money in the first place?

I'm afraid not. The only way to deal with men of Dunlap's ilk is to offer

payment in kind. That is to say, in other words, make them think they're

something for nothing. Oh, well, in that case, why don't we... Right this way,

Mr. Morgan. Now, we are temporarily using a steam engine to energize our

saver, but my research staff has been working day and night on an advanced

electronic energizer.

Oh, there they are now. My director of technical research and his chief

assistant. This is Mr.

Morgan, gentlemen. Vice president of York Instrumentation Incorporated. A

relatively new but very progressive and forward -looking electronics firm. How

do you do? There it is, Mr. Morgan. The wonder of the age. The housewife's

answer to drudgery.

Oh, I am so proud of Alvin. He's so generous.

Imagine giving both of you such important jobs when he isn't even in

yet.

Isn't it thrilling?

Frankly, no, Mrs. Brown.

By all rights, it should be in the junkyard.

Oh, I can't believe it.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Brown, but that's all it is.

Junk.

Oh, Alvin.

Thank you very much, Mr. Morgan. Now, what do we owe you for your time?

Oh, nothing at all, thank you. Well, if you insist.

Good day, Mrs. Brown.

Gentlemen.

Well, Laura Lee, now you know.

It's hard to take, but better now than later.

Beautiful.

Just beautiful.

What's beautiful, Alvin?

That performance.

I bet he even fooled you.

Is one to make his little wife's saver worth anything?

It's a pile of junk.

See? Now I know we have something.

But Alvin... Oh, just see, sis.

Morgan tells us it's a pile of junk, right? Now, in a day or so, he comes

and says, Alvin, my company will buy that from you for 50 bucks for scrap.

Sell.

This little baby's got the greatest potential of anything since the wheel.

can do anything.

All it needs is a little fixing up.

And you're the one who can do it.

Weren't you listening to that man?

You know, I spent half my life giving people confidence in their own

Martin, all you need is faith.

Faith and know -how.

Oh, you can do it, Martin. I just know you can.

Well, Mrs. Brown knows you can.

Alvin knows you can.

But we don't know you can, do we, Uncle Mike?

Perhaps we don't have to if we pursue your idea.

My idea?

What idea was that?

Well, just before Mr. Morgan arrived, I distinctly heard you almost say, why

don't we sell the wife saver back to Dr. Dunlap?

You did?

I almost said that?

Well, that's a great idea.

I didn't almost say how.

Did I? As Alvin says, all it takes is faith and know -how.

You supply the faith, and I'll handle the know -how.

Is this where Alvin said he found Dr. Dunlap?

Mink -dyed rabbit?

Mink -dyed... Oh, I think he did find Dr. Dunlap.

Which direction is that coming from?

I don't know if you gentlemen could assist me in a dilemma.

What's your problem?

Well, it's these confiscatory taxes.

Let me show you something.

Look at that.

Frankly, sir, we are after much larger gain.

Yes, we're looking for Dr.

Dunlap. We understand that he lives in this area.

What's he done?

I'm afraid he allowed himself to be victimized by a fast -talking swindler.

fellow. Poor fellow?

Oh, yeah. Well, wouldn't you say that a person who allowed a million dollars to

just... Slip through his fingers? Poor fellow.

A million dollars?

I'm afraid you're being a trifle optimistic, T .J. I don't believe you

reasonably expect to net a million the first year.

Oh, I think you've come fairly close to it.

Well, be that as it may, this gentleman apparently doesn't know Dr. Dunlap.

Come, we'll have to look elsewhere.

Oh, wait, I'm Dunlap, Dr. Dunlap.

Yeah, I can prove it.

Dr. Thaddeus Dunlap.

Excellent. There may still be time. Even Wanamaker hasn't realized yet the full

potential of the Wifesaver.

Wanamaker? You can't be talking about that box of junk I found that he bought

from me.

Junk? He calls it junk.

Ah, the despair of frustration that must overcome genius after years of toil and

sweat and tears when his masterpiece doesn't fully meet his standards of

perfection. Yes, yes. And then to have some Alvin come lately. Take that piece

of junk.

mold it and shape it and turn it into something creative.

Turn it into a million dollars.

Oh, it's heartbreaking.

Listen,

no little crook's going to put anything over on me. I'm going to get that thing

back if I have to pull every dirty trick in the book.

By the way, what's it do?

I brought you some lunch, Alvin.

And Martin and Tim are waiting to see you. I told them I didn't know whether

not I should disturb you. No, it's okay to disturb me for them, sis. They're

part of the firm.

Oh, Alvin, you're so democratic.

Yoo -hoo, Martin, Tim, you can come in now.

Oh, you should see what Alvin's doing. It's simply amazing.

Oh, it's more than amazing.

The way he eats is spectacular.

Oh, no, Tim.

He's been working on slogans. Well, I've got a few working ideas here. I'll just

consumer test these on you.

The wife -saver, that's a life -saver.

Mother's magic merlin.

Well, they're only working ideas.

I just thought I'd run them up the flagpole.

Alvin, the fact of the matter is you'd better put the flag at half -mast.

Your wife -saver is dead.

What? Kaput.

Finished. Nothing on earth can make it work. Nor has Mr. Morgan's head.

It's a pile of junk.

No, let's not panic.

Now, I know you're discouraged.

No, Alvin, I've taken it completely apart, and there isn't a single piece

good for anything.

Oh, dear, and Alvin was counting on it so.

However, I think we have someone to take it off our hands.

Dr. Dunlap.

But why would he want to buy it back? Because he realizes he made a bad deal,

that's why.

Well, if he thinks he can come in here after we've done all the groundwork.

Alvin, it won't work. Now, you have a chance to sell it. Take it.

You fellas just don't understand business.

Now, look, I'm not in this just to lose sis's money.

After all, we don't need the write -off.

Yes, but there's much more to be made in your other venture. Other venture?

Advertising. Those slogans. The wife -saver that's a life -saver.

Mother's magic Merlin.

Tim, what do you think about them? Oh, just... Incredible.

Well, I...

I knew they were good for the lifesaver, but frankly, I never thought about the

bigger picture.

Exactly. This gadget is small potatoes. So if you have a chance to get out and

break even, grab it.

Oh, business is so exciting. You bet I will.

Incidentally, if Dr. Dunlap offers you a mink stole instead of cash, don't take

it.

You know, Uncle Martin, you would think with all the conveniences of modern

science, they'd figure out a way of getting rid of ashes without having to

them in... Well, how about that?

Ever since Alvin's arrival, even the trash cans have had it up to here.

For the first and last time, Tim, Wanamaker's whittled wife saver may

useful purpose.

After you, Tim.

could do it. Oh, I'm so thrilled.

What do I tell you, Martin? All it takes is a little faith and know -how. You're

a genius.

Oh, now, Alvin, don't be modest.

If it hadn't been for you, he'd have given up.

No, you deserve a lot of the credit, too. Well, we all did, I'll bet. Some of

more than others.

But the important thing is that the lifesaver works, and just in time, too.

Alvin, what do you mean, just in time?

Oh, he's just going to bring it in to Dunlap.

Do you mean that Dunlap is in the house?

Of course. He came over to buy back Alvin's wife's saver. For a measly $500.

Bad chance to see him that.

Come on, sis.

Let's give the good doctor the bad news.

And don't worry about more capital. Now I'll be glad to refinance the house.

You goofed.

Yeah. You must concede, however, that when a Martian goofs, there's nothing

measly about it.

It is invariably a monumental goof.

but I don't understand this.

I'm giving you a chance to get your money back.

Dunlap, I'm not in business to get my money back. Anybody can do that. We're

planning on forming our own company and going into immediate production.

Now, look, Wanamaker, if you were anybody else, that kind of dork would

price up. But I know you.

I didn't know you two were friends.

Lady, I just met him a couple of days ago, but I know him. Now, look,

my offer's good only for 24 hours.

So you'd better grab it. A measly 500? I'd be crazy. I never sold anything

except for a profit. Why, my firm recommender, Enterprises Incorporated...

firm? Ha -ha! That'll be the day.

Remember, 24 hours.

Buster.

If Albin refuses to sell except for a profit...

It looks as though Wanamaker Enterprises will have to become a reality.

Do you mean that you're actually going to manufacture those useless monsters?

No, Tim.

The only thing we're going to manufacture is an illusion and a real

of Mrs. Brown's investment.

This is recommended enterprises?

Uh -huh. You'll be amazed what can be done with a small investment and a

faith and know -how. Oh, yeah? How much of a small investment?

Only $50. I followed the example of our beloved chairman of the board who rinses

cars by the day.

I hate to tell you, and I don't want to sound like a spoilsport, but $50 is not

a small investment to a newspaper reporter.

Don't worry about it, Tim. I expect to recover it within a very short time.

Oh, yeah?

Now you're beginning to sound like our beloved...

Chairman of the board.

What are you going to do with all this stuff?

The only way to impress a con man is to put up a bigger front than he does.

All right.

What's this?

Your desk.

My desk?

Uncle Martin, you couldn't interest termites in a desk like this.

You're right.

The president of a prosperous electronics firm should have an

desk. A little revitalizing of its molecules.

Well, that's more like it.

However, it doesn't exactly fill up the room.

That's precisely why I brought along my duplicating machine.

I'll say one thing.

It's a lot quicker than training steps.

I think it's quite impressive.

And now that we have built a better mousetrap...

Let us get in touch with the mouse.

Well, Uncle Martin, don't you think that Dunlap is going to get just a little

bit suspicious when he finds out that his buyers are his sellers?

On Mars, we have an old saying, Tim. What a Dunlap doesn't know can't make

suspicious.

Hey, that's pretty tricky.

But is it the real me? Well, in the words of one of your famous

you ain't seen nothing yet.

You think that's him?

I imagine that's the fly.

And Tim, stop being such a nervous spider.

Come in.

Is this recommender enterprises?

If one is to believe the sign on the door.

It can't be the one that that fellow Alvin Wanamaker is connected with.

That fellow you refer to happens to be the chairman of the board. We're

extremely busy. Now, do you have business here, or did you just drop in

foolish questions?

No. My card.

Dr. Thaddeus Dunlap.

So? I've been negotiating with Mr. Wanamaker about taking...

This gadget off his hands.

And I've come back to resume my negotiations.

Mr. Wanamaker is not here just now. You'll have to take this up with our

president. Mr. Carstairs.

No, no, no, no, no.

You stay right there, sir.

Sir.

Sir.

Mr. Carstairs, this gentleman is interested in, to use his words, taking

gadget off our heads.

Really? Well, there seems to be rather a rash of that sort of thing lately.

By only yesterday, some crackpot, no offense, but some crackpot offered Mr.

Winemaker $500.

He gave us a good laugh around here.

Oh, yes, and no mention of royalty.

Why, any idiot knows that the money to be made in business is in the royalty.

Oh, may I inquire... Dr.

Dunlap, whom do you represent?

Well, as a matter of fact, at the moment, I only represent myself.

However, I have been approached by two members of a very large firm who will

take care of the financial details.

That wouldn't be VioRay Products Incorporated. Hmm.

I'm not at liberty to say.

If Bio Ray is interested, uh... Yes, I know, I know, I know. Oh, yes, yes.

Wouldn't want to run into them again, no. Last time we almost lost our shirts.

Uh... Without betraying your confidence, of course, could you tell us if one of

the representatives was of a slight build, smooth -shaven, and with red

Yes, and the other one's strikingly handsome.

No.

I'm sorry, gentlemen, but my word's my bond.

However... If you wish to battle this out in the March of Trade, I should be

only too happy to take word back to my associates at thy... My associates,

period.

Good day.

Just one moment.

He might be interested in hearing an offer.

I thought he would.

Of course, before I make any commitment, I've got to see your product in actual

operation. Of course, of course.

Now, Mr. Martin, would you please demonstrate the widow -wife -saver, the

-saver?

Certainly.

Honor maker, does either Mr. O 'Hara happen to be in?

Alvin, it's me, Jim.

Jim?

And that's... Uncle Martin, yes. How about that? He was with the disguisers.

Cool it, would you, Alvin? Just don't ask any questions. Okay.

Boy, you fellows sure have done a magnificent job here. This is just the

office I always thought I belonged in. Well, it's not really here.

Well, I mean, it's here, all right, but it's an illusion. It's a mirage.

Well, it's all a phony front with...

Nothing behind it. Well, it's a good thing I came along, because what I

with me is no mirage.

Gentlemen, we have another bidder.

Dr. Dunlap, meet Mr. Morgan from York Instrumentation. I don't think Mr.

would really be interested.

Why not?

Oh, I definitely agree.

Yes, Dr. Dunlap should be the one we'd stick.

Yeah, sell it to him.

Yes, we have a prior obligation to the doctor.

Prior obligation. Mr. Morgan saw it first.

Wanamaker, I must admit, I was mistaken.

I don't know how you've done it, but this thing works now, and I want it for

company. Alvin, baby, I got two customers who'll take delivery on it

afternoon. I'll give you $600 cash and 5%. $700 and 10%. That's what I like.

Competition, the backbone of business.

That's $1 ,000 cash and 12 .5%. Take it or leave it.

We'll take it.

That's fast.

I'll pay you $1 ,100 and 15%.

But $1 ,000 is all I got with me. Give me an hour and I'll go higher and...

You're welcome, Martin. We can't cheat, Mr. Morgan.

Don't worry, Tim.

Just insist on cash.

It's all yours, Mr. Morgan. Just as soon as you give Mr. Carstairs your check.

Sorry, Dunlap.

Good.

That's funny. I don't seem to have my checkbook with me.

I'll mail it to you. Oh, I am sorry.

But I must insist on cash, on the spot.

I think we've had just about enough of these shenanigans. I bid $1 ,000, and

ready to back it out with cash.

And the 20 %?

Cash!

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Morgan, but I'll tell you what. On my very next deal,

let you in on the ground floor.

Say, uh... How about 750 cash, and I got a marvelous mink stroller I'll throw

in? Cash!

Six hundred assists for her original investment and $50 to you for rent for

loft. Say, what about the rent for all those furnishings? No charge.

It was a gift.

Yeah. It was a gift, all right. Thanks.

Well, then, we have $350 profit to be divided among the four partners with

to come. Not Tim and I. We weren't really partners.

Well, Homer, I... Tim.

I'm just joking.

Now, Alvin, you and Mrs. Brown, you split the profits. Uncle Martin and I

kicks out of this. Oh, okay.

But you know, one of the great joys of these deals of mine is dividing up the

profits among my partners and friends.

Oh, I just love it when your deals make money.

I remember the time when... Well, then there was the one that...

Well, this one made money, thanks to my little brother.

Oh, that's peanuts, sis. When will those royalties start rolling in?

Alvin, there won't be any royalties.

Tim and I were also VioRay Products Incorporated.

You mean you weren't?

You mean there isn't?

You mean we gave away a fortune for a lousy thousand dollars?

Alvin, the wife saver doesn't really work.

What do you mean it doesn't work? I saw it work!

Sis, give me back that 600.

Maybe we can still buy this thing back from Dunlap. Alvin, can't you

I better take this, too.

Come on, sis.

We're going to have to raise a lot more than this.

Wow.

You should have kept the wife, Sabre.

And sold Alvin.