All language subtitles for My Favorite Martian s03e19 TV or Not TV

Hey, day to day, I thought I'd stock up
the freezer.

By barren interior, I was beginning to
think you had enrolled in a survival

school.

Hey, is something wrong with that TV
set? Has it gone to the blink? I mean,

after all, it's practically new.

Tim, it's not your television circuitry
that's in need of repair.

It's mine.

Hi. Cleet Baxter here with a reminder
that this station will cover live this

evening the premiere of Chad Foster's
new picture, Kisses a Go -Go.

Immediately preceding the premiere
activities, we'll interview Mr. Foster

here on KBW -TV, your local news and
music station.

Speaking of which, I have to go down to
the TV studio and interview Chad Foster

myself for the paper. So I hope you
don't mind a frozen dinner?

Well, that depends.

Do you intend to defrost it, or must I
eat it on a stick like a popsicle?

Friends, add zap detergent to your wash,
and you'll find it leaves your clothes

like sliced noodles.

How about that?

Hey, those were my noodles on
television. I know. I must have

circuit in my telesensory transmitters.
Do you mean that we have our own closed

circuit TV?

I'm afraid it isn't very closed.

I'm also transmitting to all the sets
between here and the horizon.

I hope you're awfully hungry tonight.

I think I lost my appetite.

Hey, we're saved.

That's the regular show.

Yeah, well, don't congratulate yourself
too soon, Tim.

It may be interrupted at any moment by
circumstances beyond their control. And

mine, too.

Interrupted? You don't mean you're going
to start transmitting again?

Well, I can't help it, Tim.

My telesensory transmitters are somewhat
like a light bulb with an intermittent

short. They go on and off at erratic
intervals.

Hey, Uncle Martin, turn off your hand.

There.

Now you can't see anything.

No, but every word you utter can be
heard from here to the horizon.

Now, don't panic.

It's too late. I already did.

Listen carefully.

First, we switch hands.

No, no, no, no, no. Not your hand.

My hand. Oh.

All right.

Now, in the third drawer in the desk...

Yeah. Is a pair of Corvalloidal
quartzite sunglasses.

Yeah. Quietly now.

Hurry, go and get them for me. Yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Are these the ones?

Because these carboloidal sunglasses
inhibit the light rays and sound waves

enough to make both unintelligible.

Oh, I mean, oh, well, at least we can
relax.

No, we can't. On the contrary.

We have to keep your date for an
interview with Chad Foster.

We have to keep my date? Now, look, this
is supposed to be an exclusive

interview for the Daily Sun. How
exclusive is it going to be in front of

million people?

Well, I have no intention of exposing
you and Mr. Foster to the prying eyes of

the world, Tim.

I merely must have access to a
deflection coil from one of their

cameras, long enough to make a copy of
it with my duplicating machine.

Oh, then your head won't be going on and
off, huh?

Well, yes, you could say it that way,
yes.

What's that?

It's a miniaturizer.

The coil will be too big to fit my
antenna, and I'll have to reduce it.

All right, now, hurry, Tim, and get your
coat.

because government people have highly
effective means of vectoring in on

unauthorized transmitters. If I should
be broadcasting when they arrive, I

imagine they would have some pretty
strong words to say on the subject.

Yeah, and I know what the words are
going to be.

You're under arrest.

Well, Chad, good luck on your
forthcoming live hour special next week

It'll be fun hosting a variety show for
the first time.

We'll all watch it. Uh, invite me back
again, Cleet. Any time, Chad.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to
go change for the premiere of Kisses a

Go -Go.

Chad Foster, folks. One of the nicest
guys in Hollywood.

And now, one last word about the on
-again, off -again interference of our

and picture transmission.

Now, authorities are convinced that
someone is purposefully jamming the

airwaves. However, the authorized
government agency...

has brought all its directional finding
equipment to bear on a signal, and the

situation should soon be under control.

Well, that's 30 for now.

See you again at 10 for the late news.

Listen, I think I'd better go get my
interview.

You gonna be okay?

Don't worry, Tim.

I know what I'm looking for.

All right. But don't get caught, huh? I
mean, these TV unions are pretty strong.

You forget, Tim.

I'm in TV myself.

I want your reading.

Hello,

Tim O 'Hare, the Los Angeles Sun.

Oh, yes. I'm Peggy Reynolds, Mr.
Foster's secretary.

Oh. Well, I'd say being a movie star
certainly has its fringe benefits.

And also his fiancée. We're going to be
married in a month. Well, then I'd say

that he has a marvelous profit -sharing
plan.

Chad.

Tim O 'Hara of the Los Angeles Sun is
here.

Hello, Tim. It's nice to see you. Hi.
Same here. Come on in.

I don't want to appear inhospitable,
Tim, but I have to change into a tux for

the premiere.

Oh, listen. Don't mind me.

I once interviewed an opera star right
in the middle of his traviata.

Thank you.

Well, now, look, Chad, for starters, you
always seem to play the same kind of a

role. You know, suave, debonair, the
playboy type.

Kissing all those gorgeous girls.

Well, it's a living. A living? If I had
a job like that, I'd insist on overtime.

Now, don't forget, Tim, things aren't
always what they appear to be up there

that big screen.

Of course, I can't very well feel sorry
for myself. I mean, after all... Is

somebody out there? Huh?

Oh, no. I mean, yes.

Well, it's just a friend.

My uncle. Well, invite him in.

Oh, no, no. No, I couldn't do that. You
see, he... Well, he hasn't had his head

fixed yet.

I mean, he's... He's shy.

Yeah, that's it. He's celebrity shy.

He faints a lot. Oh, well, nonsense. If
you don't ask him in, I will.

I'm Chad Foster.

Tim tells me you're his uncle.

Yes, Martin O 'Hara. I'm delighted to
meet you, Mr. Foster.

Ah, please call me Chad. All my friends
do.

Well, I shall deem it an honor to be
counted among them.

Chad? I thought you said he was
celebrity shy.

Well, he didn't say much when I
introduced him to Lassie.

Well, anyway, I'm glad you could come
down with Tim.

Say, excuse me for staring, but those
are very unusual sunglasses.

Yeah, I don't believe I've ever seen a
pair like them before.

Well, that isn't surprising.

They're quite literally out of this
world.

They look like they'd be especially good
for Palm Springs. Can I see them?

No! I mean, well, bright lights bother
my uncle's eyes, you see, Chad, and with

all these bright lights around... I
guess they're not very

bright, huh?

Is your head fixed yet?

No. I had no idea your electronics
technology was so... archaic.

Do you think it's safe to let Chad have
the glasses?

I hope so.

My tele -transmitters have been inactive
for some time now.

With luck, they should... Yeah.

Hey, these are the greatest sunglasses I
ever...

Chad?

Your shoulders fell off.

Well, there goes the old image.

Listen, Chad, I mean, Mr.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. You're
sorry.

You want to see somebody sorry, take a
look at Sorry Sam Finch.

Sam Finch? That's my real name.

And I got the body to go along with it.

Look, when I go incognito, all I have to
do is take off the rug, the shoulders

and the girdle, and boy, am I incognito.
I mean, people don't just ignore me.

They avoid me. Well, Sam, I mean, Chad,
I just hope you don't think that this

was deliberate. I mean, just to get a
story.

Chad.

Chad, what happened? Oh, now, now,
there's nothing to be alarmed about,

sweetheart. We just had a little
accident, that's all.

And I'm sure that these gentlemen aren't
going to breathe a word about it to

anybody. It won't happen. to, Jack.

You were on television.

30 million people just saw you.

Television?

30 million?

You mean... Oh, boy. I don't feel so
good.

I'm finished, Peg.

I'm washed up.

I couldn't even be a subject and I got a
secret.

Don't worry, darling. When we find out
who sneaked that hidden camera in here,

we'll sue.

Sue?

I'm the one they ought to sue for
impersonating a man.

Can you imagine how the studio's gonna
take this?

Let's face it, honey, I'm on my way down
in my elevator shoes and there's no

room for one more.

If you're smart, you'll go sit out there
in the audience and laugh at the rest

of it.

Chad, I happen to be in love with you.
With me?

Here, take me and go.

Stop with the jokes.

Honey, I'm busted.

It's over. It's kaput.

And when the studio gets through with me
in court, I'll be so flat you can slip

me under the door of the unemployment
office.

Don't have to be a big star, Chad. There
are other ways of making a living.

For me? Are you kidding?

I was born and raised in the show
business. I don't know anything else.

else could I do?

You can find something. You can... Well,
you could even be a shoe salesman if

you had to.

Oh, sure. I can just see myself on my
knees with my bald head shining up in

woman's eyes.

Peggy, what am I going to do?

What are we going to do?

It's a community property type problem.

I've seen many a falling star, Tim, but
this is the first one I ever personally

shot down.

Evening out there. Fleet Baxter here
with the news.

Another mystery telecast happened again
this evening.

And although we're coming to you tonight
in black and white, if our color

cameras had been functioning earlier,
you would have seen the reddest face in

the history of show business.

Of course.

Why didn't I think of that? Think of it?
You caused it. Shh.

erstwhile debonair man about the silver
screen, who was caught with his shoulder

pads down, his bald page shining, and
his foundation garment showing for the

biggest letdown and the loudest horse
laugh the public has had since motion

pictures were invented.

That's it.

What's it? Horse laugh.

That's the key to the whole situation.

Tim, I'm going to change a sense of
humor into dollars and cents right

your very eyes. I hope you know what
you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about.
The solution to our problem.

The solution to Chad Foster's problem.
All wrapped up in one neat little

package. With a big red label.

Cyanide. Not at all. Come on, we've got
to get back to the studio.

We can't go back to the studio.

Of course we can, and don't look so
glum. To quote one of your own

it's always darkest before the dawn.

Sure it is.

That's usually the hour they shoot
people.

We're in luck.

I thought we were in trouble.

What are you doing? Chad is still in his
dressing room, hiding out from the

press. But he can't stay in there
forever, and we've got to be ready for

Aha.

Would you mind breaking aha down into
something that a poor, miserable Earth

can understand?

My friendly newscaster, Kalik Baxter,
reminded me of the color camera. And I

remembered the deflection coil was of a
totally new design.

Ah, yes.

This will do splendidly.

Well, then your head will be okay. I
mean, you'll be turned off for good.

not for good.

But I'll have to make one final
telecast.

However, it'll be controlled.

Chad, is that you?

Is someone over there?

Tim, why does she have to come out now?

I haven't miniaturized the duplicate
coil yet.

You divert her attention while I tidy
up.

Divert her?

Are you kidding?

Uncle Martin, you can't leave me here
like this. It's unfair.

I don't know what I'm going to say.

Hi there.

How are you?

What are you doing here?

I was supposed to diverge. I mean, I
just wanted to apologize.

Apologize? Apologize for what?

What is it you want to apologize for,
Mr. Martin?

What about Chad?

You see...

Well, maybe I shouldn't have said
apologize. What I meant was I... Well,

just sorry, that's all.

You'll never believe how sorry.

Maybe I would.

You were here when it happened, weren't
you? You and your Uncle Martin, isn't

it? Yes, yes, yes. And he's sorry, too.
He is the sorriest. Boy, is he sorry.

Where is he now?

Well, let's just say that he's around
somewhere.

It's quite a coincidence, isn't it, you
and your uncle both being around when it

happened? Yes. Yes, it is. It's quite a
coincidence. It's just one of those

things.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. O 'Hara,
there's something rather urgent that I

want to take care of.

Herman?

What is she thinking?

She's thinking you're some kind of a
nut.

What else?

She's gone to phone the authorities.

She's convinced you at least had
something to do with the hidden camera

broadcast.

There.

My telecensory transmitters are back to
normal.

Come on, Tim. We don't have much time.

The Wizard of Oz.

What is all this? The Set for Captain
Zero zoo program.

It's a children's show.

Oh. Well, what does all this have to do
with Chad Foster? Well, we are about to

do another unauthorized but necessary
telecast.

And I thought we might need some
necessary theatrical dressing. And this

to be the thing that would do it.

Ah.

Excellent. Now, all I have to do is to
remove the stuffing temporarily and get

inside. Would you mind telling me what
you intend getting into that thing for?

Peggy has gone to fetch the federal
investigators.

If she should manage to reach them and
bring them here before my telecast is

finished, so am I.

Therefore, I want some sort of
concealment.

Oh, swell.

Well, what kind of an outfit am I
supposed to get into?

How about that jackass over there? I'm
getting the feel like one now, anyhow.

You have a more important mission to
accomplish.

Chad is about to step out of his
dressing room momentarily.

I want you to get him onto this set and
get him to talk about his toupee, his

padded shoulders, the image he literally
built up.

Oh, that's just great.

Look, haven't we done enough to hurt
this guy already?

Tim, please trust me. Now, just do as I
ask.

Here he comes.

Uh,

Chad! I mean, uh, Mr. Foster. Oh, no, I
thought all you press guys left already.

Well, I just wanted to tell you how
sorry I am about everything that

Yeah, sure.

Thanks. Well, now, look, I thought maybe
I could help you. Help me? Buddy boy,

right now, the cavalry and the U .S.
Marines to the rescue couldn't do me any

good. All right. Maybe you could help
me. Now, I could really use a good

-up story.

You're kidding.

You've got to be kidding.

Well, what difference does it make now?
I might as well milk the laugh, even if

the laugh's on me.

Okay. That's great. How about over here?
I think the light's a little better.

Look, this seems like a really good
spot.

Fine.

Oh, um, what are your plans for the
future?

Future? Well, I'm not too sure I even
have a present.

I just have some idea of what you're
going to do. Well, if it weren't for my

beliefs, I'd kill myself, but I'm a
devout coward.

Oh, do you think you're going to make
another movie?

Oh, sure. If somebody wants to do
Cinderella in reverse, then again, I'd

perfect for Beauty and the Beast.

How does it feel to lose the old image?

What I mean is... You mean going from
the body beautiful to the form

Well, to tell you the truth, it's a
relief.

My heart goes out to every woman ever
had to wear a corset.

You feel like a salami tied in the
middle.

Every time you eat something, you grow
three inches taller.

Speaking of height, how high were those
shoes that you used to wear?

All I can tell you is with the lifts
they put in those things, every time I

them on, I got a nosebleed.

Those heels were so high, I never walked
into a room. I used to lean into it.

Okay. So I got a high forehead.

I never liked wearing that rug anyway.

The only thing it ever did for me was to
keep my head from slipping off the

pillow at night.

Yeah, and the chest pads and the thigh
pads and the shoulder pads.

But having a great physique is fine, but
it wore a skinny guy like me out

carrying it around all the time.

Listen, you want to laugh?

The studio was going to run me for Mr.
America.

If they'd seen the real me, I could have
lost my citizenship.

Okay, so the truth is out.

From now on, at least when I go to bed
at night, half of me doesn't end up in

the bed while the other half goes in the
drawer.

It's just nice to know that you're not
bitter about all that's happened.

Bitter?

Well, to tell you the truth, I was at
first.

But then I got to thinking it out, and
it finally dawned on me. I mean, it had

to happen sooner or later.

If you're a phony, you're going to get
found out.

But no matter how little you got, as
long as you go with it, as long as it's

legit... You'll be all right if you do
the best you can with what you have.

Well, that sounds like good advice.

For everybody.

Yeah.

Well, I gotta run.

You got your story and I got me.

Now, not much I admit, but I'm all I've
got.

Chad!

Oh, Chad!

Now, now, now.

Peggy, no tears.

That was from crying, Chad. That was
from laughing.

Laughing? I've been watching you on the
monitor.

You mean I've been on the air again?

And from the way things look for a long
time to come, the network switchboards

just jam with calls.

In a couple of weeks, you start your own
show.

You're putting me on.

I took two calls from the network brass
myself before I could get away. Now,

I've called your agent and the... Uncle
Martin, you're a genius.

How'd you figure all this out?

Simple, really.

I knew Chad had a good sense of humor.

and that wonderful ability to laugh at
himself.

That kind of person, Tim, must always
succeed.

Good night, folks.

Good night.

See you next week.

Good night, all.

What, I missed it?

Oh, nuts.

I got tied up in traffic. I want to see
Chad's new show.

Well, that isn't really an
insurmountable problem.

Turn off the TV.

Turn off the TV? If you want to see the
show, turn off the television set.

Well, I don't know what you have in
mind, Uncle Martin, but I have never yet

turned off the television set to watch a
show. Except maybe to see that little

white dot fade off into the distance as
you listen to the Star Spangled Banner.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the
Transcon Television Network is proud

present the new Chad Foster show.

How about that?

My Uncle the Rerun.

Hey, there was a movie that I missed
last night. It was supposed to be a

marvelous movie.

And then there was the Stevie Monahan
show. I didn't catch that, but we can

that. And, yeah, here's a serial that
just started last week.