Original subtitles

Hey, day to day, I thought I'd stock up the freezer.

By barren interior, I was beginning to think you had enrolled in a survival

school.

Hey, is something wrong with that TV set? Has it gone to the blink? I mean,

after all, it's practically new.

Tim, it's not your television circuitry that's in need of repair.

It's mine.

Hi. Cleet Baxter here with a reminder that this station will cover live this

evening the premiere of Chad Foster's new picture, Kisses a Go -Go.

Immediately preceding the premiere activities, we'll interview Mr. Foster

here on KBW -TV, your local news and music station.

Speaking of which, I have to go down to the TV studio and interview Chad Foster

myself for the paper. So I hope you don't mind a frozen dinner?

Well, that depends.

Do you intend to defrost it, or must I eat it on a stick like a popsicle?

Friends, add zap detergent to your wash, and you'll find it leaves your clothes

like sliced noodles.

How about that?

Hey, those were my noodles on television. I know. I must have

circuit in my telesensory transmitters. Do you mean that we have our own closed

circuit TV?

I'm afraid it isn't very closed.

I'm also transmitting to all the sets between here and the horizon.

I hope you're awfully hungry tonight.

I think I lost my appetite.

Hey, we're saved.

That's the regular show.

Yeah, well, don't congratulate yourself too soon, Tim.

It may be interrupted at any moment by circumstances beyond their control. And

mine, too.

Interrupted? You don't mean you're going to start transmitting again?

Well, I can't help it, Tim.

My telesensory transmitters are somewhat like a light bulb with an intermittent

short. They go on and off at erratic intervals.

Hey, Uncle Martin, turn off your hand.

There.

Now you can't see anything.

No, but every word you utter can be heard from here to the horizon.

Now, don't panic.

It's too late. I already did.

Listen carefully.

First, we switch hands.

No, no, no, no, no. Not your hand.

My hand. Oh.

All right.

Now, in the third drawer in the desk...

Yeah. Is a pair of Corvalloidal quartzite sunglasses.

Yeah. Quietly now.

Hurry, go and get them for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are these the ones?

Because these carboloidal sunglasses inhibit the light rays and sound waves

enough to make both unintelligible.

Oh, I mean, oh, well, at least we can relax.

No, we can't. On the contrary.

We have to keep your date for an interview with Chad Foster.

We have to keep my date? Now, look, this is supposed to be an exclusive

interview for the Daily Sun. How exclusive is it going to be in front of

million people?

Well, I have no intention of exposing you and Mr. Foster to the prying eyes of

the world, Tim.

I merely must have access to a deflection coil from one of their

cameras, long enough to make a copy of it with my duplicating machine.

Oh, then your head won't be going on and off, huh?

Well, yes, you could say it that way, yes.

What's that?

It's a miniaturizer.

The coil will be too big to fit my antenna, and I'll have to reduce it.

All right, now, hurry, Tim, and get your coat.

because government people have highly effective means of vectoring in on

unauthorized transmitters. If I should be broadcasting when they arrive, I

imagine they would have some pretty strong words to say on the subject.

Yeah, and I know what the words are going to be.

You're under arrest.

Well, Chad, good luck on your forthcoming live hour special next week

It'll be fun hosting a variety show for the first time.

We'll all watch it. Uh, invite me back again, Cleet. Any time, Chad.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go change for the premiere of Kisses a

Go -Go.

Chad Foster, folks. One of the nicest guys in Hollywood.

And now, one last word about the on -again, off -again interference of our

and picture transmission.

Now, authorities are convinced that someone is purposefully jamming the

airwaves. However, the authorized government agency...

has brought all its directional finding equipment to bear on a signal, and the

situation should soon be under control.

Well, that's 30 for now.

See you again at 10 for the late news.

Listen, I think I'd better go get my interview.

You gonna be okay?

Don't worry, Tim.

I know what I'm looking for.

All right. But don't get caught, huh? I mean, these TV unions are pretty strong.

You forget, Tim.

I'm in TV myself.

I want your reading.

Hello,

Tim O 'Hare, the Los Angeles Sun.

Oh, yes. I'm Peggy Reynolds, Mr. Foster's secretary.

Oh. Well, I'd say being a movie star certainly has its fringe benefits.

And also his fiancée. We're going to be married in a month. Well, then I'd say

that he has a marvelous profit -sharing plan.

Chad.

Tim O 'Hara of the Los Angeles Sun is here.

Hello, Tim. It's nice to see you. Hi. Same here. Come on in.

I don't want to appear inhospitable, Tim, but I have to change into a tux for

the premiere.

Oh, listen. Don't mind me.

I once interviewed an opera star right in the middle of his traviata.

Thank you.

Well, now, look, Chad, for starters, you always seem to play the same kind of a

role. You know, suave, debonair, the playboy type.

Kissing all those gorgeous girls.

Well, it's a living. A living? If I had a job like that, I'd insist on overtime.

Now, don't forget, Tim, things aren't always what they appear to be up there

that big screen.

Of course, I can't very well feel sorry for myself. I mean, after all... Is

somebody out there? Huh?

Oh, no. I mean, yes.

Well, it's just a friend.

My uncle. Well, invite him in.

Oh, no, no. No, I couldn't do that. You see, he... Well, he hasn't had his head

fixed yet.

I mean, he's... He's shy.

Yeah, that's it. He's celebrity shy.

He faints a lot. Oh, well, nonsense. If you don't ask him in, I will.

I'm Chad Foster.

Tim tells me you're his uncle.

Yes, Martin O 'Hara. I'm delighted to meet you, Mr. Foster.

Ah, please call me Chad. All my friends do.

Well, I shall deem it an honor to be counted among them.

Chad? I thought you said he was celebrity shy.

Well, he didn't say much when I introduced him to Lassie.

Well, anyway, I'm glad you could come down with Tim.

Say, excuse me for staring, but those are very unusual sunglasses.

Yeah, I don't believe I've ever seen a pair like them before.

Well, that isn't surprising.

They're quite literally out of this world.

They look like they'd be especially good for Palm Springs. Can I see them?

No! I mean, well, bright lights bother my uncle's eyes, you see, Chad, and with

all these bright lights around... I guess they're not very

bright, huh?

Is your head fixed yet?

No. I had no idea your electronics technology was so... archaic.

Do you think it's safe to let Chad have the glasses?

I hope so.

My tele -transmitters have been inactive for some time now.

With luck, they should... Yeah.

Hey, these are the greatest sunglasses I ever...

Chad?

Your shoulders fell off.

Well, there goes the old image.

Listen, Chad, I mean, Mr.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. You're sorry.

You want to see somebody sorry, take a look at Sorry Sam Finch.

Sam Finch? That's my real name.

And I got the body to go along with it.

Look, when I go incognito, all I have to do is take off the rug, the shoulders

and the girdle, and boy, am I incognito. I mean, people don't just ignore me.

They avoid me. Well, Sam, I mean, Chad, I just hope you don't think that this

was deliberate. I mean, just to get a story.

Chad.

Chad, what happened? Oh, now, now, there's nothing to be alarmed about,

sweetheart. We just had a little accident, that's all.

And I'm sure that these gentlemen aren't going to breathe a word about it to

anybody. It won't happen. to, Jack.

You were on television.

30 million people just saw you.

Television?

30 million?

You mean... Oh, boy. I don't feel so good.

I'm finished, Peg.

I'm washed up.

I couldn't even be a subject and I got a secret.

Don't worry, darling. When we find out who sneaked that hidden camera in here,

we'll sue.

Sue?

I'm the one they ought to sue for impersonating a man.

Can you imagine how the studio's gonna take this?

Let's face it, honey, I'm on my way down in my elevator shoes and there's no

room for one more.

If you're smart, you'll go sit out there in the audience and laugh at the rest

of it.

Chad, I happen to be in love with you. With me?

Here, take me and go.

Stop with the jokes.

Honey, I'm busted.

It's over. It's kaput.

And when the studio gets through with me in court, I'll be so flat you can slip

me under the door of the unemployment office.

Don't have to be a big star, Chad. There are other ways of making a living.

For me? Are you kidding?

I was born and raised in the show business. I don't know anything else.

else could I do?

You can find something. You can... Well, you could even be a shoe salesman if

you had to.

Oh, sure. I can just see myself on my knees with my bald head shining up in

woman's eyes.

Peggy, what am I going to do?

What are we going to do?

It's a community property type problem.

I've seen many a falling star, Tim, but this is the first one I ever personally

shot down.

Evening out there. Fleet Baxter here with the news.

Another mystery telecast happened again this evening.

And although we're coming to you tonight in black and white, if our color

cameras had been functioning earlier, you would have seen the reddest face in

the history of show business.

Of course.

Why didn't I think of that? Think of it? You caused it. Shh.

erstwhile debonair man about the silver screen, who was caught with his shoulder

pads down, his bald page shining, and his foundation garment showing for the

biggest letdown and the loudest horse laugh the public has had since motion

pictures were invented.

That's it.

What's it? Horse laugh.

That's the key to the whole situation.

Tim, I'm going to change a sense of humor into dollars and cents right

your very eyes. I hope you know what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about. The solution to our problem.

The solution to Chad Foster's problem. All wrapped up in one neat little

package. With a big red label.

Cyanide. Not at all. Come on, we've got to get back to the studio.

We can't go back to the studio.

Of course we can, and don't look so glum. To quote one of your own

it's always darkest before the dawn.

Sure it is.

That's usually the hour they shoot people.

We're in luck.

I thought we were in trouble.

What are you doing? Chad is still in his dressing room, hiding out from the

press. But he can't stay in there forever, and we've got to be ready for

Aha.

Would you mind breaking aha down into something that a poor, miserable Earth

can understand?

My friendly newscaster, Kalik Baxter, reminded me of the color camera. And I

remembered the deflection coil was of a totally new design.

Ah, yes.

This will do splendidly.

Well, then your head will be okay. I mean, you'll be turned off for good.

not for good.

But I'll have to make one final telecast.

However, it'll be controlled.

Chad, is that you?

Is someone over there?

Tim, why does she have to come out now?

I haven't miniaturized the duplicate coil yet.

You divert her attention while I tidy up.

Divert her?

Are you kidding?

Uncle Martin, you can't leave me here like this. It's unfair.

I don't know what I'm going to say.

Hi there.

How are you?

What are you doing here?

I was supposed to diverge. I mean, I just wanted to apologize.

Apologize? Apologize for what?

What is it you want to apologize for, Mr. Martin?

What about Chad?

You see...

Well, maybe I shouldn't have said apologize. What I meant was I... Well,

just sorry, that's all.

You'll never believe how sorry.

Maybe I would.

You were here when it happened, weren't you? You and your Uncle Martin, isn't

it? Yes, yes, yes. And he's sorry, too. He is the sorriest. Boy, is he sorry.

Where is he now?

Well, let's just say that he's around somewhere.

It's quite a coincidence, isn't it, you and your uncle both being around when it

happened? Yes. Yes, it is. It's quite a coincidence. It's just one of those

things.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. O 'Hara, there's something rather urgent that I

want to take care of.

Herman?

What is she thinking?

She's thinking you're some kind of a nut.

What else?

She's gone to phone the authorities.

She's convinced you at least had something to do with the hidden camera

broadcast.

There.

My telecensory transmitters are back to normal.

Come on, Tim. We don't have much time.

The Wizard of Oz.

What is all this? The Set for Captain Zero zoo program.

It's a children's show.

Oh. Well, what does all this have to do with Chad Foster? Well, we are about to

do another unauthorized but necessary telecast.

And I thought we might need some necessary theatrical dressing. And this

to be the thing that would do it.

Ah.

Excellent. Now, all I have to do is to remove the stuffing temporarily and get

inside. Would you mind telling me what you intend getting into that thing for?

Peggy has gone to fetch the federal investigators.

If she should manage to reach them and bring them here before my telecast is

finished, so am I.

Therefore, I want some sort of concealment.

Oh, swell.

Well, what kind of an outfit am I supposed to get into?

How about that jackass over there? I'm getting the feel like one now, anyhow.

You have a more important mission to accomplish.

Chad is about to step out of his dressing room momentarily.

I want you to get him onto this set and get him to talk about his toupee, his

padded shoulders, the image he literally built up.

Oh, that's just great.

Look, haven't we done enough to hurt this guy already?

Tim, please trust me. Now, just do as I ask.

Here he comes.

Uh,

Chad! I mean, uh, Mr. Foster. Oh, no, I thought all you press guys left already.

Well, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything that

Yeah, sure.

Thanks. Well, now, look, I thought maybe I could help you. Help me? Buddy boy,

right now, the cavalry and the U .S. Marines to the rescue couldn't do me any

good. All right. Maybe you could help me. Now, I could really use a good

-up story.

You're kidding.

You've got to be kidding.

Well, what difference does it make now? I might as well milk the laugh, even if

the laugh's on me.

Okay. That's great. How about over here? I think the light's a little better.

Look, this seems like a really good spot.

Fine.

Oh, um, what are your plans for the future?

Future? Well, I'm not too sure I even have a present.

I just have some idea of what you're going to do. Well, if it weren't for my

beliefs, I'd kill myself, but I'm a devout coward.

Oh, do you think you're going to make another movie?

Oh, sure. If somebody wants to do Cinderella in reverse, then again, I'd

perfect for Beauty and the Beast.

How does it feel to lose the old image?

What I mean is... You mean going from the body beautiful to the form

Well, to tell you the truth, it's a relief.

My heart goes out to every woman ever had to wear a corset.

You feel like a salami tied in the middle.

Every time you eat something, you grow three inches taller.

Speaking of height, how high were those shoes that you used to wear?

All I can tell you is with the lifts they put in those things, every time I

them on, I got a nosebleed.

Those heels were so high, I never walked into a room. I used to lean into it.

Okay. So I got a high forehead.

I never liked wearing that rug anyway.

The only thing it ever did for me was to keep my head from slipping off the

pillow at night.

Yeah, and the chest pads and the thigh pads and the shoulder pads.

But having a great physique is fine, but it wore a skinny guy like me out

carrying it around all the time.

Listen, you want to laugh?

The studio was going to run me for Mr. America.

If they'd seen the real me, I could have lost my citizenship.

Okay, so the truth is out.

From now on, at least when I go to bed at night, half of me doesn't end up in

the bed while the other half goes in the drawer.

It's just nice to know that you're not bitter about all that's happened.

Bitter?

Well, to tell you the truth, I was at first.

But then I got to thinking it out, and it finally dawned on me. I mean, it had

to happen sooner or later.

If you're a phony, you're going to get found out.

But no matter how little you got, as long as you go with it, as long as it's

legit... You'll be all right if you do the best you can with what you have.

Well, that sounds like good advice.

For everybody.

Yeah.

Well, I gotta run.

You got your story and I got me.

Now, not much I admit, but I'm all I've got.

Chad!

Oh, Chad!

Now, now, now.

Peggy, no tears.

That was from crying, Chad. That was from laughing.

Laughing? I've been watching you on the monitor.

You mean I've been on the air again?

And from the way things look for a long time to come, the network switchboards

just jam with calls.

In a couple of weeks, you start your own show.

You're putting me on.

I took two calls from the network brass myself before I could get away. Now,

I've called your agent and the... Uncle Martin, you're a genius.

How'd you figure all this out?

Simple, really.

I knew Chad had a good sense of humor.

and that wonderful ability to laugh at himself.

That kind of person, Tim, must always succeed.

Good night, folks.

Good night.

See you next week.

Good night, all.

What, I missed it?

Oh, nuts.

I got tied up in traffic. I want to see Chad's new show.

Well, that isn't really an insurmountable problem.

Turn off the TV.

Turn off the TV? If you want to see the show, turn off the television set.

Well, I don't know what you have in mind, Uncle Martin, but I have never yet

turned off the television set to watch a show. Except maybe to see that little

white dot fade off into the distance as you listen to the Star Spangled Banner.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the Transcon Television Network is proud

present the new Chad Foster show.

How about that?

My Uncle the Rerun.

Hey, there was a movie that I missed last night. It was supposed to be a

marvelous movie.

And then there was the Stevie Monahan show. I didn't catch that, but we can

that. And, yeah, here's a serial that just started last week.