Original subtitles

Yeah, good morning, Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin?

Boy, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a blabbermouth.

What is that you're working on?

What? That machine.

What's it for? Oh, my equilibrium establisher.

When I arrived on Earth, my sense of balance had to be changed to suit your

gravity.

Going back to Mars requires a return to my former sense of balance.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Benson.

Yes, sir.

Who?

I'll get right there.

Of all the rotten luck... Luck?

Good or bad is usually of our own making.

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin. Will you please forget the platitudes?

Right now, I am facing a catastrophe.

Catastrophe? What sort of catastrophe?

Well, I don't know yet exactly, but you can bet your last Martian dirkle that

there's going to be one.

I've just been assigned to a story with Jimmy McLean.

McLean?

Isn't he the rather ingratiating young photographer you introduced me to last

week? Mm -hmm. Oh, he's a nice guy, all right.

But...

Well, Uncle Martin, it's just that he's a Jonah.

Every time he's on an assignment, something always goes wrong.

Always.

Purely an environmental byproduct.

Huh? The last time I met the young man, I read not only his mind, but his memory

bank.

From the time Jimmy was a small boy, Tim, he's been told he couldn't do this

right and he couldn't do that right.

So that by now he's come to accept it as a truth, even before the fact.

Well, you mean his goofs are sort of psychological reflex action. Exactly.

He's lived so long with a conviction that people expect him to commit errors

that he subconsciously feels he must accommodate them. Well, that's just

Now I have an emotional problem.

I don't know if I should feel sorrier for him or for myself.

Pam, where is your assignment?

It's down at the police station.

They just picked up Big Red Higgins. Huh.

With Jimmy on that assignment, Big Red will probably escape, probably shoot

three reporters on the way out, and you can just bet your bottom dollar I'll be

one of them.

Well, perhaps I can be of some help.

Getting me shot?

Thanks a lot.

No, no, no, I meant helping Jimmy to get over this foul -up fixation of his.

Well, I hope you don't have to help him over my dead body.

No, you just wait. Something will go wrong.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

You see?

You see? It started already.

Jimmy!

Oh, hi, Tim. Mr. O 'Hara. Well, how are you this morning, Jimmy?

Oh, well, same as usual. So far, everything is okay, but give me time.

early yet. I'll foul up somewhere.

Now then, your failures are all in your mind. And in the personnel files of the

three newspapers I've been fired from in the last six months.

Boy, if I blow this one, I won't make copy boy on the hobo news.

Hey, what's happening?

They got Big Red Higgins up on the fifth floor. They're going to bring him down

in this elevator.

With my luck, I'll probably use that one over there.

Hey, here they come now.

He got away.

Big Red plugged me and he got away.

I got a shot of the capture. For once, a loser comes out on top.

Hey, Uncle Martin, that was quite a catch.

That's also going to be quite a photograph Jimmy took.

Unfortunately, I'm allergic to isotopium.

Huh? That's the primary element in my equilibrium machine.

Therefore, I sprayed myself with a ray -proof compound.

In brief, I'm currently invisible on film.

And to make matters worse, He's telling your editor that he's got an exclusive

picture of me and Big Red.

Oh, no.

Tim, what am I going to do?

If I destroy it, Benson will fire him. If I don't, my identity as a Martian is

sure to be disclosed. Do you realize you can get yourself into more spots than a

dry cleaner?

I'm going to hate myself, Tim, but...

Nobody's going to call me an eight ball anymore. No, sir. No editor's going to

pink slip me anymore. Not with this baby.

No, sir.

Oh, they're going to fire me. That's what they're going to do. Fire me.

The film, it's ruined.

I must have forgot to push the slide in.

Gee, that's tough luck, Jimmy.

Yeah, tough luck. That's me. Tough luck, McClain, the General Custer of the

Fourth Estate.

Do you have the vaguest idea what Benson just did? He fired Jimmy.

Burned him at the stake is more like it. He took away his press card, his

parking pass.

Please, Tim, spare me the details.

I feel badly enough about having divorced Jimmy from his job without

terms of the property settlement.

It's not your fault, Uncle Martin. What else could you do? Tim, if it hadn't

been for me, Jimmy would have his picture and his self -confidence back.

So I'm going to have to set things the way they should be. How?

Simply by getting Jimmy to accomplish one job well done.

Oh, that'll be very rare for Jimmy.

Let's face it. He's fired out, kaput, finished, done.

Benson will take him back.

He'd sooner hire his own mother -in -law.

Even if Jimmy had the scoop of the year?

You don't mean that you're thinking of revealing your identity?

Hardly. But with my Futuramic camera, I should be able to ascertain tomorrow's

front page today.

Well, I hate to sound trite, but you look like the cat that swallowed the

canary. I believe in this case the word pigeon would be more aptly substituted

for the proverbial canary. Do you recall a gambler by the name of Joey Macon?

Oh, are you kidding? I wrote enough pages at his trial to be able to

the entire Grand Canyon.

But anyway, Macon got off scot -free.

Some joker by the name of Bearden, Leon Bearden, took the rap for him. But...

What does Macon have to do with Jimmy? My nose for news briefly inhaled Mr.

Macon as I passed him on the street.

I got a whiff of something newsworthy.

Bearden.

Well, that must mean that he's out of jail now. And due to meet Macon at eight

tonight. Observe.

Yeah, well, that's Macon.

Yeah, that's Bearden.

Hey, it looks like Macon's paying him off.

Uncle Martin, this could be dynamite.

Enough to blast Jimmy back onto the payroll and give him some of the self

-confidence he so sadly lacks.

Now, all we have to do is to get Jimmy to take the same picture.

Call him up.

Oh, no. Now, wait a minute. I appreciate all the things that you're doing for

Jimmy, but messing around with Macon and his boys... You are reaching a

disconnected number.

Please try again.

You know, maybe you should have covered him with some kind of a Martian

protective screen on the way over.

He is already 25 minutes late.

He'll be here. Oh, sure. By Easter or Christmas, if he has a run out of gas or

cracked up his car.

Tim, it's lack of faith in Jimmy such as yours that has made him what he is

today.

Kindly remember it was my interference that prevented him from starting on his

new road to accomplishment.

Sorry,

your lip.

Oh, that's all right.

I got another one.

Well, I think our boy has detoured off the new road.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to stop off to get myself disengaged.

Disengaged? From Peg, the girl I was going with. You met her, Tim.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she was a very nice girl.

Yeah, no sense in her making plans with a guy who can't hold down a job.

My luck, I couldn't even break us up. She wasn't home.

Well, perhaps by the time the night's over, Jimmy, you'll have changed your

mind. Yeah, what my uncle means is we have an assignment for you. An

Look, maybe you fellas didn't get the word, but I'm applying for unemployment

insurance tomorrow.

That is, if I can ever find my social security card.

Jimmy, this assignment could easily get you back on the paper.

And there'd be no necessity for becoming disengaged. Yeah, it's the scoop of the

year. And you want me to cover it with you?

That's all Benson would have to hear, that you took me along.

Look, Tim, you're a nice guy. Why would I want to get you fired?

Jimmy, for Pete's sake, I can almost guarantee that you'll make it. Now just

think of it. An exclusive photo by Jimmy McLean of Joey Macon paying off Leon

Bearden. You're Macon with the jokes.

Tim received a tip -off that they're meeting at the junk shop on Madison at 8

tonight. And you want me to get the shots.

You better see a doctor, Tim. You're coming down with something. You're

delirious.

That's a fine thing to say to a man who has all the confidence in the world and

you, who believes you to be one of the most capable photographers in the

country.

You really think that much of me, Tim?

Oh, well, I've always said to Uncle Martin that there's only one around like

you.

Well, Jimmy, are you going to confirm Tim's faith in you or not?

All you have to do is set your mind to it.

What can I say to a guy who said that about me?

I'll do it.

Sorry. I almost knocked it over.

If I set my mind to it, there's nothing I can't do.

Uncle Martin?

I know, I know.

He switched on the machine and acquired a Martian sense of equilibrium.

He'll be clumsy as a clod until the effect wears off. Why don't you stand

and do something?

Well, what would you suggest that I do?

Panic?

Oh, you see, I don't feel dizzy or anything, but I keep going one way and

feet go another.

That's why I came along. I noticed that you were having problems.

Boy, is this ever weird.

Possibly you caught a virus of some sort.

It'll dissipate itself within a few hours.

I sure hope so.

I think we'd better move over behind that wardrobe over there.

Well, I think you're right, Uncle Martin. I think we are going to make the

page, also page 37.

37? Yeah, that's where they write the obituary column.

Please don't, don't help me. I'm perfectly capable.

Maybe if I stood up now.

Funny, I can't seem to keep my feet under me.

You all right, Uncle Martin?

I'll know in a moment.

I hate to tell you, but your finger isn't working.

Look, Uncle Martin, look, it's almost 8 o 'clock.

Now, what are you going to do about Joey Macon when I'll be young?

An excellent question, considering that at this moment I couldn't lift a

feather, even with the aid of an Atlas booster.

My shoe, my shoe. I lost a shoe.

No, no, no, no, no.

Thanks, I dropped it.

What are we going to do?

Here, hide. Turn this around. Hide behind here. What?

And I don't have another one.

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin.

But there's no back on this closet.

There's Bearden.

You're right.

And there's Joey Macon, too.

We're actually seeing a payoff.

$25 ,000.

That's pretty good for a year of doing nothing, ain't it?

My camera. Where's my camera?

Here, here.

I put an infrared flash in it. They'll never know you took the picture. Go

ahead, take it.

Take it.

There, get him.

Get lost.

All right, hold it right where you are.

Give me those plates.

Oh, yeah.

Here you are.

Come on, come on, get up.

All right, give me that film. Search him.

This guy's got a press card.

I made it myself.

I don't listen to people I don't hire to talk.

Shut up.

Put him on ice before I get back.

Well,

now, wait a minute. What do you want to take us prisoner for? I mean, after all,

the police wouldn't believe us. You have the photograph.

What did I just tell you a minute ago?

Shut up.

That was my very word. Shut up. Get out of here.

How's your finger?

About as useful as a firefly in a lighthouse.

Look. Why don't you just use that subliminal hypnosis?

You know, convince them that we're really nice guys and they ought to let

I tried that.

Apparently their brain cells are too primitive to receive my transmission.

What are we waiting for?

The bust of Pomona.

No, I mean, why are they keeping us here all tied up?

Because Joey Macon has taken your camera and film out to develop it.

He wants to be sure that he got the negative on that picture you took of him

paying Bearden off.

Oh.

I wish they'd hurry up. These ropes are making my hands stiff.

Oh? Well, you just wait till Joey Macon gets back.

He's going to make us stiff all over permanently.

You mean they're going to?

Oh, they wouldn't.

Would they?

I'm afraid he's right.

They have very limited plans for our future.

Well, I guess I finally did it.

I not only cooked my last chance, but yours as well.

Tim. This is serious.

You noticed.

I mean, Jimmy, he's completely given up.

Oh, well, that makes two of us. Would you care to make a threesome?

No, thank you. A Martian never says die.

Oh, well, what is Joey Macon going to say? Remember one thing. His trigger

finger isn't broken.

Nor will mine be for long.

That's a hand crank generator, Tim.

And if it's still in working order, I may be able to regenerate my levitating

finger with an electric charge.

Meanwhile, I'll have to do it the old -fashioned way.

Do what the old -fashioned way? Levitate.

Finger levitation wasn't perfected until the year 5003.

The sturdy Martian pioneers had to levitate through sheer concentration and

willpower. Oh, that must have been awfully difficult.

Naturally. It's extremely exhausting and very slow compared to modern methods.

However...

Uncle Martin, wait one second. After all this time, do you think you can really

levitate through concentration?

Well, I'm going to try.

What is it you're going to levitate?

The ropes on Jimmy's hands.

His hands?

What about ours?

Tim, there's more at stake here than just our lives.

A man's self -esteem must also be rescued.

I win. I win. Big deal.

It's a lousy game of tic -tac -toe to make it sound like the Daily Double.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Oh, well, he, uh, he's all worn out from doing his sitting -up exercise.

How can you do sitting -up exercises sitting down?

It's, uh, it's all done with the mind, A .C.

It's the next step.

after isometric exercises.

Oh, yeah.

I heard of them.

You don't move around much.

Now, that's the idea, you see.

Now, the next step is to do it in your head without using your hands. That

shouldn't be too difficult for one of your mental capabilities.

I've noticed you're a champion at tic -tac -toe.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to work on that.

How did you do it?

I don't know. It doesn't matter.

The important thing is now you can sneak out and call the police.

Me sneak out?

Oh, no. I just fouled it up again.

But maybe I can untie you guys.

No, no, no, no, no. There's no time. No, no, no.

Joy Macon will be back any minute. Now hurry. Now.

While they've got their minds on something else.

You're going to play tic -tac -toe or you're going to stand there fiddling

your fingers? I'm not fiddling with my fingers. I'm thinking.

Mr. O 'Hara, I can't do it. You've got to. You can do it.

Yeah. Just think, if joy -making comes back and kills all of us, you'll never

forgive yourself.

All right.

I'll try.

But I'll never make it.

He'll never make it.

I don't expect him to.

Here. Pull that generator over here with your foot. You're closer to it than I

am.

All right, now wind it up. You can do that, can't you? I'll try.

Well, then wind. All right.

Oh, this isn't my day.

This isn't even my year.

You were naughty.

You tried to escape.

Not just so you don't forget and try it again.

I believe that's an historical firm.

Air Mail Special Delivery.

No hands.

Tim.

Tim.

Tim, someone's knocking at the door.

Tim. Someone's knocking at the door.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear it.

Hi, Jim. Come on in. Hi, Tim.

Hello, Mr. O 'Hara.

I've only got a minute. I'm on my way over to Peg's. We're going to set the

date. Well, that's wonderful, Jimmy. Congratulations.

Thanks. I just wanted to tell you the police found that picture I took.

Macon had it in his pocket.

He's a dead duck.

Hey, how about Benson? Did you talk to him?

I sure did. He hired me right back with a bonus.

Well, then, I guess you're on top of the world tonight.

Oh, I sure am, Mr. O 'Hara.

And I'm going to stay there. I found I can do anything I set my mind to.

You hold that thought, Jimmy.

I intend to.

But listen, I gotta run. Peg's waiting for me.

Good night.

See you tomorrow, Tim.

At the office. Right.

I did it.

I levitated it.

The old -fashioned way.

Congratulations.

Keep working at it, Tim.

It'll keep you away from the girls and leave them for me.