Original subtitles

Bill, Bill, Bill.

Will I go bankrupt?

I wonder if they'll let me charge it.

Walter Martin?

What are you doing in the time machine?

I'm going back in time, Tim, to the exact moment that Brutus stabbed Julius

Caesar. According to that book, Caesar said, you also, Brutus?

Now, I believe he said, and you, my son, I'll only be gone two minutes.

Now, listen, could you make that two and a half minutes?

You see, the egg timer is on the blink.

Or are you planning on having breakfast with Julius?

The way Brutus plays with knives?

No, thank you.

I'd rather take my chances with your cooking.

Bye.

Mr. O 'Hara, Mr. Timothy O 'Hara.

Mr. Walter Poppy, attorney at law.

Well, come on, you can't be suing me already. These bills aren't even

yet. Mr. O 'Hara, if you are the Tim O 'Hara whose grandfather's second cousin

is Ralph O 'Hara married to Martha, then you're the sole heir to Ralph's estate.

Heir?

Estate?

Do you mean that I... Well, Mr. Pompey, it's a pleasure meeting you. It really

is. Wouldn't you like to come in and have a chair?

Would you like a sandwich or something? I'll send out.

You must have come along to help carry the money, right?

Yes.

This gentleman is Mr. Clarence O 'Hara.

I have reason to believe he's a distant relative of yours.

That didn't come out of my family.

Well, I don't exactly, uh, carry your picture in my wallet either, friend.

If you should prove not to be the proper Timothy O 'Hara, then Clarence would

inherit the estate.

Oh, that's what's bugging him.

How do I prove I'm me?

I mean, how do I prove that I'm the proper me?

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Wait just one second. Now, the family album is... Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Now, let's see.

Right in here.

Ah, here it is.

Ralph and Married, Martha to 1915.

I mean, uh...

Ralph and Martha married in 1915.

Son, Frank O 'Hara, born January 1920, registered at the county recorder

15, 1920 at 11 .50 a .m.

It appears authentic.

Well, there'll always be a place for you at the Thanksgiving table.

I'd rather starve.

I'll bet you don't get invited out much, do you?

I knew I was right.

Caesar... Caesar?

No, I mean Uncle Martin.

That's my Uncle Martin. He was in the kitchen preparing a Caesar salad.

A flaming Caesar salad.

Uncle Martin.

I know for a fact, Mr. Poppy, there is no Martin O 'Hara, uncle or otherwise,

our family.

What? No Uncle Martin?

You're very funny, Clarence. You ought to join me for lunch sometime.

My father was county recorder for 28 years, a most meticulous gentleman.

I demand a more thorough examination, Mr. Poppy, before any disposition is

of the estate.

This does cloud the issue. I'm afraid we'll have to investigate more

before we can enter your claim, Mr. O 'Hara.

But I already spent the money.

Practically. Sorry.

I'll be in touch.

Good day.

I'll save you a drumstick.

Uncle Martin?

I would have been a rich man if... If it hadn't been for me.

Why do you want to move out?

I mean, there is absolutely no reason for you to move out. Ah, Tim, but there

are two reasons.

First, you shall gain your rightful inheritance.

Second, my going should forestall any serious investigation, which could very

well reveal me to be a Martian.

Well, so what? Why would they want to investigate you? I mean, after all, it's

my estate.

Only if you prove that you have no Uncle Martin. Now, I've written a letter to

Mr. Poppy, explaining that out of the kindness of your heart, you took me in.

stranger. Alone.

And friendless in this cold world of yours. Oh, come on. Let's get off the

hearts and flowers bit. Well, it's only slightly removed from the facts.

I appreciate your sentiment,

Tim, but you're only delaying the inevitable.

Why is it inevitable?

Now, will you just tell me that? You are a Martian. We should be able to come up

with something.

I'm afraid not.

I'll never forget what you've done for me, Tim.

Perhaps we can communicate from time to time.

Suppose, now just suppose, that you went back in time like you did yesterday.

Now, now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Only this time, you go back to the county recorder's office, January 15th,

to be exact.

Now, that would be the time that Ralph and Martha went in to register Frank's

name. Well, you'd be approximately his age by now anyhow, so all you have to do

is convince the family to change Frank's name to Martin.

And then it'll be on the books forever.

And on my conscience for a Martian eternity.

Which is a lot longer than your local forever.

Let's see.

Shirts, socks.

Oh, Tim, if you don't mind, I'd like to take that extra tube of toothpaste.

Well, help yourself.

Say, old Martin.

Yeah? Have you mailed that letter to Mr. Poppy yet?

Not yet.

Why?

Oh, nothing.

I, uh...

Just had an idea, that's all.

Uncle Martin?

Yeah? Don't do anything till I get back.

Until you get back.

Holy moon, Crater.

Recorder's office, Mr. O 'Hara speaking.

No, madam, we don't suggest names for new babies. We only record them.

Well, if you insist.

As a matter of fact, I don't like Reginald and Mervyn.

How about a good substantial name like John?

You're quite welcome, Mrs. Dillinger.

Tim?

Tim?

Young one.

Donald Martin?

Where are you?

I'm at home in 1965.

Where are you?

Well, I'm right where I want to be in 1920.

How come we can hear each other?

Through my decibel refractor.

Sound remains in the atmosphere forever.

Tim, come home at once.

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin. My relatives are going to be here any second to name

their son.

Don't argue. Come back before we lose contact.

Any electrical disturbance could cause our voices to... Hey.

You were Fractors in the Fritz.

Whom are you talking to?

I was talking to Fritz. My dog. My German shepherd Fritz. He's about that

tall and he looks like a... Hey!

Hey, you're Clarence's father, aren't you? I am nobody's father for the simple

reason I am not married as yet.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I guess, um... Well, I guess I had you mistaken for

somebody else.

Where did all that smoke come from?

Oh, it's these cheap cigars I smoke.

What cigar?

They burn fast, don't they?

Enjoy your condition, mister. In a few days, prohibition goes into effect.

Good morning, President Clarence.

Really, Ralph? I don't know why you and Martha waited until right before lunch

to register your son. When I eat late, I get bilious.

What name have you selected?

Martin is a...

Wonderful name.

We're naming our son Frank after my father.

Child's name Frank, father's name Ralph, mother's name Martha.

She, uh... She doesn't make you wear it in public, huh?

I beg your pardon?

Your apron.

Surely you wear an apron when you scrub the floors, do the dishes.

I do not wear an apron because I do not scrub the floors and I do not do the

dishes. I wear the pants in my family.

Oh, come on. Come off it. By the minute you walk in the door.

We all knew that she was the boss in the family.

I'll bet she didn't even ask you if she could name the baby after her father.

I'll bet she told you.

Well, matter of fact, she didn't even do that.

Well, there you are.

You see?

Now, are you going to stand for that?

I've decided I don't like the name Frank.

You don't like?

That's my father's name.

Well, maybe that's what influenced me.

How can you say a thing like that?

Why don't you come back after lunch?

There is no need to come back after lunch. The child's name is Frank.

Put that down.

Clarence, I forbid you to put Frank down on that card.

What name do you want? Put down Martin.

Martin is a good name. Martin.

Mister, why don't you take your funny suit with the narrow lapels and go sleep

it off?

What name do you want?

I don't care, as long as it isn't Frank.

I can't put all that down on the card, Ralph.

Well, then just put down Martin.

Martin O 'Hara, right there.

Martin's good enough. It's better than Frank.

You can name him Martin if you like.

But I am going to call him Frank.

Well, we'll just see about that. He's my son and we're going to call him by his

right name.

Well, you heard what the man said.

Put down Martin.

you tell me what part of Los Angeles this is?

Cleveland.

Cleveland?

But I... The Cleveland Express.

The Cleveland Herald. May 7th, 1945.

But I don't want to be here. I mean, I shouldn't be here. I mean... Carry on.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin, mayday. Mayday.

Oh, come on in.

Tim, is that you?

Oh, Uncle Martin, am I glad to hear your voice.

I'm on decibel refractor again, and the connection is very tenuous. So don't

waste time.

Where are you?

Cleveland.

Cleveland? Yeah.

I think I pushed the wrong button.

I'm in Cleveland, and it's May 7th, 1945.

That's not too bad. Now listen carefully.

Hold it, hold it. There's a truck coming.

Tim!

Hold it.

Hold it just one second.

Uncle Martin, I think I goofed.

I'm already aware of that.

Oh?

Well, get an awareful of this.

Martin O 'Hara, former public enemy number one, escaped last night from the

state penitentiary where he was serving a life sentence for bank robbery and

murder. Police are frankly baffled, but pledge they will never arrest until he

is brought to justice.

Tim, I'm a wanted man.

Oh, well, maybe they caught you later. I mean, Frank.

I mean, that's what it's supposed to be, but I changed the name to Martin.

If they didn't, the police are still looking for me.

Well, back to the old county recorder's office.

Tim, don't do anything... Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin!

Hey, you gonna read the paper?

Give me the nickel.

Oh, the nickel, yeah. I'm sorry.

Well, I don't seem to have any... Look, look.

Why don't you take this watch? Now, that's a very unique watch. It not only

keeps the time, but the year, the month, and the day. It's a very good watch.

Keep it.

Hey, it says 1960.

Yeah, yeah, I know that. Well, the watch works very well, except that it's 20

years fast.

Oh, you use that for rain?

Well, I hope I know what I'm doing. The way things are going, I could end up in

the Chicago fire.

give you a nickel, will you promise to buy yourself a good cigar?

Where's Ralph and Martha?

They went home an hour ago. An hour ago?

Oh. Oh. I must have set the machine too far ahead.

Maybe I didn't set it far enough.

You see, what I wanted to do was be here an hour ago.

You were here an hour ago. That's not what I mean. I wanted to be here an hour

ago. Again.

You see, when I was here before...

Well, forget it. It's very hard to explain. Oh, don't bother to explain.

I know why you're here. You do? Of course. You're a fraternity man. And

initiation requires that you drive a civil servant out of his mind in one

Hello, operator?

Get me the police. I want to report a maniac with a nutty -looking toy that

makes smoke.

You certainly have a strange hobby, naming other people's children for them,

then ripping up their registration card. Well, I shouldn't have interfered.

Suddenly, I realized I'd made a mistake, and I was very sorry.

Now, haven't you ever done anything that you felt sorry for?

Yes, I'm sorry I got up this morning. Well, I can't help you with your

I have to go out and find Ralph and Martha.

They can't name that baby Martin.

Oh, Ralph, Martha, Clarence is having a little problem. I was sort of wondering

if you could come in and help.

Now, we all got a little excited a while ago, and, well, we lost our heads. I

suggest you speak only for yourself.

I suggest that we forget that the whole thing ever happened. Kiss, make -up.

Well, I don't mind making up.

Perhaps I was a little overbearing. Well, I should have consulted you.

Now, isn't that better?

Why don't you go elsewhere to make your trouble?

Well, I guess I know what I'm not wanted. I'll just go back where I came

I hope.

All right.

Child's name?

Roger.

Roger O 'Hara.

Roger? What happened to Frank? I decided it would be more appropriate to name

our first one after Ralph's father instead of mine.

That's awfully sweet of you, lovely pie.

But you can't do that.

I mean, it's already entered in the family album as Frank.

I mean, it's going to be entered in the family album as Frank. Do you mind? Do

you?

Child's name, Roger O 'Hara.

Well, as long as it's not Martin.

Hello again.

You know, this thing must need a 10 ,000 -year checkup.

I thought you'd left. I'm happy that you didn't. You are?

Of course. It is an orphan that I get to see lapels like this. Careful, man.

She's bending the material. Young man, I've been watching you, and you need

help. Well, yeah, I do need help, Terrence, but I'm afraid you can't help

Perhaps not, but these two nice men in the blue suits will take you to some

men in white suits, and they'll help you.

White suits?

Hey! Hey, what is this? What are you doing? Is this the guy you called about,

Mr. O 'Hara? He's the one. He's been running around ripping up registration

cards, and he's been making smoke come out of this little do -jiggy.

Terrence, don't touch that thing. I'll never get back. Uncle Martin will...

Clarence, don't touch that. Don't touch that. What is that thing? Well, it's a

time.

It's a time.

Bomb!

That's going to go off in a minute.

Clarence, I mean, I'm ashamed.

Well,

don't just stand there.

Go and turn in a fire alarm.

Here we go again.

I wish I could figure out how to get you back to the factory.

All right, Buster.

Get your hands up and hand over that box.

We're going to soak it in water.

You can't do that.

It'll rust.

No, no, no. Wait a second, fellas.

I'm going to love it with you.

This isn't a time bomb.

No.

It's my uncle's time machine.

I am here from another time.

And that time machine belongs to your uncle.

And what century is he from? The 21st?

No, no.

He's, uh... Would you believe he's from Mars?

Sure.

All right. Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute, you guys.

Now, I know.

I know you don't believe me.

But I'm going to prove it to you.

I am going to disappear.

Then after you've disappeared, will you come along quietly?

You think I'm kidding, don't you? All right. Well, you just watch this.

So long, 1920.

So long,

1920.

Okay, you disappeared.

Now you're coming along with us peacefully, right?

One of you guys have a...

A screwdriver? Only a sick

person could have seen what just happened.

And since it didn't happen, then obviously none of us have seen it. Am I

correct, gentlemen? One hundred percent, Mr. O 'Hara. I didn't see a thing. Me

either.

Oh, here.

You know something?

That thing could get a guy in a lot of trouble.

I tried to warn you. Not to meddle with the cosmic scheme, Tim. Yeah, well, I...

Roger.

Roger? Who's Roger?

He's Frank.

No, no, I mean, he was Frank, and then he became Martin, and now he's

Roger.

Look, here.

Yeah, here it is.

Ralph and Martha, married in 1915, son, Roger O 'Hara, born... Roger?

What says Roger?

He used to say Frank.

How come it says Roger?

Apparently, you meddled.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Do you mean to tell me that all the records are going to say Roger instead

of Frank?

Don't try to figure it out, Tim. It'll only give you a headache.

Well, speaking of Clarence...

I mean headaches.

What are you doing?

I'm going to call Mr. Poppy and tell him that I am the wrong Tim O 'Hara. The

wrong? But Tim, what about the estate? What about the money?

Now, who needs money?

I have credit cards.

There's a story in the paper about the reading of the will, Tim.

The will?

Oh, the will! Yeah, I'd forgotten about that.

Clarence inherited 50 ,000 shares of stock.

Who cares?

Worth $4.

$4?

Boy, that's four times 50 ,000 shares.

That's $200 ,000.

No, no, no. $4.

Your ancestor invested in the company that made buggy whips.

There doesn't seem to be too much of a demand for buggy whips these days.

Do you mean all Clarence inherited is $4?

That's right.

I had to go back to 1920 and laugh right in his grandfather's face.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin. I won't be gone long.

You're never getting close to that machine again without my permission.