Original subtitles

What's the matter?

Why does it show that much?

Well, you look about as dismal as a bloodhound with a head coat.

I've been reduced to writing the obituary column.

What happened?

I'd read your mind, but my hands are full.

Well, I missed out on the biggest news story of the year.

I was having lunch with Lula Bell.

And right across the street, there was a $2 million jewel robbery.

The entire Baudelaire collection.

By the time we got over there, every reporter in town was there.

But didn't you hear the police sirens?

I was having lunch with Lulabelle.

Lulabelle must be some girl.

Want to see her picture?

Never mind, Tim. I think I get the picture.

Well, if only I could have that lunch hour to live over again.

Hey, Uncle Martin.

I can.

Your time machine.

My CCTVS?

It's too risky to be used on frivolous things.

Frivolous? Look, we're talking about my bread and butter.

The only step below obituaries is the unemployment line.

Anyway, I don't want to go back in history. I just want to go back to

I don't think so.

It's too dangerous for earthlings to know what's going to happen next.

Well, now, how could it possibly hurt me to know what's going to happen next?

I've been watching TV reruns for years.

You'll never regret this, Uncle Martin. I already do. Listen, this is going to

be the scope of the year.

I can see it now.

I was an eyewitness to a $2 million jewel robbery.

An exclusive account by Tim O 'Hara.

That's going to make the front page. Story and pictures. See, I even brought

camera. Present century, this year, this day, but what time?

I wonder what kind of a bonus I'll be.

A thousand?

Five hundred? Tim, please.

Not when I'm setting the time.

I almost sent you back to 1 ,500 B .C.

Well, 20.

Are you ready? I will never forget you for this, Hillman.

Oh, I'm glad you reminded me. I must attach this cerebration electron memory

shield so you won't forget why you were sent back.

From this one thing, I could be set for life.

Oh, excuse me, I, uh... Keep a sharp eye.

May I assist you, sir?

Oh, yes, yes, I was interested in the Baudelaire collection.

Oh, certainly, sir, if you will kindly step in this direction.

Indeed, a dazzling array of precious gems.

Are you familiar with the history of the collection, sir? No. No, I'm not. But I

have a very good idea as to its future.

Indeed.

Wow.

What a haul.

I beg your pardon?

Well, what I mean is, this haul must be worth an awful lot of money.

Indeed it is, in excess of two and one -half million dollars.

Two and a half million dollars?

Wow.

That's a lot of loot.

ever held this place up?

Before.

Before?

Well, maybe I shouldn't have said that.

You see, what I meant was... Oh!

Oh! Well, you see, this is a camera. I was going to take pictures of... I think

maybe I better wait outside.

Well, nice of you to have it all open and waiting.

I don't know them. Be a good fellow and empty those into here.

Hey,

my picture!

Got one, got one. Where?

This is the lookout man.

I heard him. He said this would set him up for life. What?

No, I'm a newspaper man. Look, I can prove it. I'll show you my press card.

me just show you my press card.

I knew it. And it would know if they have a newspaper that they publish in

Quentin. Very strong.

But, Detective Brennan, me, a jewel thief?

Well, that's ridiculous.

I mean, that's even laughable.

This is a very serious charge, O 'Hara, grand theft.

Well, you know I'm not a crook.

I mean, what would I do with the jewels?

Half the time, I don't even wear a tie -tack.

I want you to tell me the whole story, because believe me, I want to help you.

Well, I'd be glad to, because I know that I... Starting with what you were

hanging around the scene of the crime.

Oh, well, that's easy. You see, I went over to get a picture of... Oh, no, no,

mean, I went over to... I mean, I...

It just happened to go by because... I think you're right.

I need help.

Listen, why don't you talk to Uncle Martin? Because this is all so

and if you won't listen to me, perhaps you'll listen to him. Why?

What does he know?

Oh, nothing.

I mean, he knows a lot about a lot of things. Tim, I thought this didn't sound

like you.

What do you mean by that? It was that Fagin. That Fagin you live with who

you into it, wasn't it?

Home all day, no visible means of support.

But... Oh, I should have recognized that devious mind at work twisting you,

bending you to his evil ends.

Uncle Martin?

Now I want you to tell old Bill the real truth.

After all, to believe that story of yours, wouldn't I have to be pretty

I refuse to answer that on the grounds that I might antagonize a police

I told them who the crooks were. All you have to do is catch them, if anybody

wants to. Oh, yes, the real crooks, as you called them. You gave us an

description. These the men?

Yeah, I know them anyway.

Roger the Rake and Slippery Sam, two of the most notorious jewel thieves on

three continents.

Well, that's that.

Beautiful planning.

Unfortunately, your Uncle Martin should have been a little more thorough.

What do you mean by that?

Roger the Rake and Slippery Sam are presently serving prison sentences for

breaking and entering.

They're in jail?

For the last 362 days and the next four more.

So you see, they couldn't have robbed Lorraine Jewelers today.

Oh, Morton.

How did you get in here?

Under arrest, I hope. I hate to disappoint you, but I'm here on my

behalf as an amicus curiae, friend of the court.

Take a tip, O 'Hara.

I think you're going to be needing the friend, because right now I have a

good idea who's the real mastermind behind this caper.

Careful, Brennan, or you may end up getting sued.

May I ask on what grounds?

Impersonating a detective.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I should like to avail myself of the legal right to

confer privately with my nephew.

Don't think you're making a fool of me, O 'Hara. Why should I?

When you have such a perfect do -it -yourself kit.

Uncle Martin, Vernon says the two crooks that I saw are still in jail. Now, if

they are, how could they possibly... I don't know yet.

But let's make certain that they are the men you saw robbing Lorraine's. Well,

now, how are we going to do that?

By putting the futuroid camera in reverse.

Making it a pastoroid camera.

So we can take a picture of the actual robbery.

Oh, I see.

Sort of an on -the -spot picture taken off the spot.

Now, just stay where you are for a moment.

Now.

I was right.

This proves it.

To us.

Unfortunately, we can't show this picture to the police.

Well, we've got to show them something to get me out of here.

I know. We can get you out, temporarily at least, by posting bail.

Oh, can't you come up with something just a little more permanent than that?

due time.

First, I have to do something that would absolutely delight Lieutenant Brennan

if he ever found out.

What? Go back to Mars?

No.

Become a jailbird.

Hey, screws!

Ain't no tin can jail gonna hold Soupy Stanley.

Call me screws.

Fake screws!

What are you looking for, the parole board?

A camel.

You gotta be making a 1935 movie.

Must you?

What? I said, must you?

You a trustee?

Of course not.

You sure talk like a trustee.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to listen to the radio.

Hey, Mac.

How's about you and me busting out of this no -good crummy tin can, huh?

No thanks, killer.

We'll be getting out of here in three days anyway, through the front door.

In three days?

No kidding.

Huh?

Hey, you want to knock off a vault?

I know a beautiful overstuffed vault. Just begging to blow.

Now, I'll... No, thank you.

Shh.

You sure you ain't a trustee?

That's on the crime front.

police have no further trace of the missing jewel thieves who escaped with a

record two million in gems yesterday.

It is thought that they may be over the border by now.

Stocks showed a steady gain today.

Three more days of this kind of Easter's Rockefeller.

Excuse me.

Lulabelle? Lulabelle.

I take it there's someone in the room and you can't talk.

That's what I like about you, Lulabelle. You sure know how to take it.

No matter, I'll do the talking.

Our two suspects managed a perfect alibi by escaping through a loose cement

block in the cell floor, robbed Lorraine's, hid the jewelry, and got

they were discovered.

To exonerate you, we've got to let Brennan catch them with the loot red

And I intend to set that up tonight.

Hey, but Lulabelle, don't you think your two friends are sort of locked into the

idea of staying home?

That's my problem.

To get them to want to escape again.

Well, I call that a break.

They'll be heading for Sherman Woods.

So at 10 p .m., I want you to be waiting a quarter of a mile up the West Road

inside the woods.

Brennan, of course, will be tailing you.

Just be sure you don't lose that overblown parking meter reader.

Now, now, Lulabelle.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

I guess you two would like to be alone, you and Lulabelle.

Lulabelle. I mean, Uncle Martin. Our friend is gone, and believe me, he has

ideas being used.

No, I completely pulled the wool over his eyes.

Oh, now, come on, Uncle Martin.

Have you forgotten that theater arts is one of my majors at UCLA?

I'm positive the suspect will be rendezvousing with his accomplice

And guess who's going to be right on his tail?

He suspected I suspect.

Captain, how could he?

Did you forget that theater arts was one of my majors at Yale?

Don't shoot. Roger did it. What?

What's the idea?

That's what I want to know.

How's a guy going to get in a restaurant here with you shooting your mouth off

all night long?

Me? He was talking in his sleep.

Like a stool pigeon in the DA's office.

Some kind of jazz about getting away with a million bucks in gems and burying

it.

I'll say one thing.

You sure got big budget dreams.

Yes.

Well, why don't you just go on back to bed?

Sam won't be talking in his sleep anymore tonight.

Isn't that right, Sam?

Excuse me. I hope so. If there's one thing that keeps me awake, it's a good

robbery story.

My dear Sam, do you realize you nearly spilled everything?

How did I know I was a sleep talker?

You'll figure out some way to get him to... Transfer to another cell tomorrow.

Maybe we could tell him he talks in his sleep.

But tonight, you've got to stay awake.

And I'm going to stay awake to make sure you do.

Now, lie back and start snoring.

Under no condition, fall asleep.

I'll tell you what. You fell asleep.

And he found the tunnel. You must have done some more talking. You think I told

him where we're here to look?

I think you better start carrying a silencer for your mouth.

We're lucky enough to get there before our roommate.

Four. Five.

Here.

Sam.

Uncle Martin?

Hey, Uncle Martin.

Shit!

Where's Brennan?

Oh, did you forget this little melodrama is for his benefit?

No, he should be right down there.

I drove slowly enough to get pinched for double parking.

Bar 341, Lieutenant Brennan.

Have followed suspect to Sherman Woods.

Barricade Highway 56 and close in.

I am certain he is about to lead us to stolen jewelry.

As you know, Captain.

Yeah, you measured in criminal psychology at Dartmouth.

Over and out.

It was a duke.

As usual, he's off on the wrong trail.

After all the times we told him to get lost, he picks now.

If

only

Brennan's legs moved as fast as his mouth.

Your camera.

It's our only chance.

Now, Tim, now.

Well, we beat Soupy Stanley. Yeah.

Come on, let's go.

Got it.

Now to write my acceptance speech for the Pulitzer Prize.

May I remind you that you are still out on bail?

Or to put it another way, we are not out of the woods yet. Oh, come on, Uncle

Martin. What freak thing could possibly louse us up now?

Well,

if it isn't the happiness boys of Maple Park.

Taught you red -handed, didn't I?

The law.

Bury it quickly. If we're caught with this, we'll get life.

What if you just use your eyes with their magnificent 20 -20 vision and look

here? And give you a chance to pull a fast one? Oh, Harrow, what kind of an

idiot do you think I am?

I'd be delighted to give you a detailed breakdown if I had the time.

Now, will you just take our word for it that the real thieves are right in here?

Oh, Ira, I wouldn't take your word. It was raining if I was standing in a

cloudburst.

Crazy. I just got through burying.

You call that burying? It's lucky you didn't become a mortician.

Maybe we could have buried it on a bed spring.

Go for it.

I don't care what it is.

I ain't staying to find out.

This is impossible.

Hey, this stuff ain't human.

I mean, it is human.

Hey, Roger, what do I mean?

Keep him up there. Please, take us back to jail. We confess everything.

Can't fight evidence like this.

Lock him up, boys.

Be sure and collect all that jewelry first.

I wonder what happened to Brennan.

Well, goodbye to the great society.

Congratulations, Brennan.

Those two cons confessed to the whole schmear.

You sure had the right hunch about the two guys that were behind this whole

thing. I did?

I mean, yes, didn't I?

Oh, Captain, this is O 'Hara. He's a reporter on the Daily Sun.

Oh, of course, O 'Hara.

Always glad to have the press on hand.

Sure spelled the name right?

Oh, Brennan, it's distressing to see how incompetent... certain of our defenders

of law and order really are.

Yes. Yes, I'd say that we have a valid claim for false arrest.

False arrest?

a Pulitzer Prize loser.

Don't tell me your films didn't come out. Well, if you must know, they didn't

even go in.

You couldn't have forgotten to put film in the camera.

What a bet.

Tim, what am I going to do with you?

That's just what my editor said.

I'm back in obituary.

Then after all this, you ended up exactly where you started.

Don't you believe now that you can't change your history?

Yeah.

But I'm a good reporter. It's just that...

I don't see... Oh, yes, I do.

Yes, you do what?

Uncle Martin, look.

If you could send me back in time again to yesterday, I could load the film now.

And then I'd be... Yes?

You'd be what?

Back in obituaries?