Original subtitles

So then she introduced me, and I said, well, that's quite a coincidence, Mrs.

Brown.

I said, you have two nephews, both named George, and both of them are

psychologists.

I said, I guess you must have more brains than names in your family.

Anyway, he didn't even crack a smile.

No, he just sort of looked at me like I said something intelligent.

And then he wrote a note in that little pad he carries with him all the time.

The notepad is to the psychologist what the x -ray is to the surgeon. Oh?

Well, they better not try operating on me.

I'll break his pencil.

Hey, it's a good thing you had your duplicating machine out, because that

the last of the cornflakes.

Now, how long is young George going to stay at Laura Lee's house? Oh, I don't

know. You ask him a question and he answers with a question.

Uncle Martin.

That's a cornflake, not a fortune cookie.

I was just checking the molecular structure.

I have to make some permanent spare parts for my spaceship.

Out of cornflakes?

Of course not.

Normally, the duplicating machine makes only temporary copies.

They fade after a few hours.

I've adapted it to turn out permanent duplication. Oh, that's a good idea.

Because it would be rather awkward to have your snazzle fritz sort of fade out

halfway back to Mars.

Indeed it would.

If there was such a thing as a snazzle fritz.

Well, anyway, before she left, Mrs. Brown said that Nutty George was working

a paper or something like that for the Institute of Advanced Psychological or

Psychiatric Research, something like that.

I forgot my sunglasses.

I'll get them for you.

I keep forgetting I'm in there, too.

I can't tell you how upset I am about this, Tim. For your sake. Oh, come on.

Don't worry about it, Uncle Martin. It could happen to anybody who has a real,

live Martian living in his house. I don't know how long this little

will take.

Some years ago, the Martian Geological Earth Survey people pinpointed an

undiscovered deposit of NA2B407.

which showed traces of CUSO4 near Denver, Colorado.

Do you mean that'll fix things so that I'll be single again?

Well, whether it will erase a permanent copy, I can't guarantee.

Well, you mean that there's a chance that there could always be two of me?

Yes. And quite frankly, I don't know if the world is ready for two Tim O

'Harris. Oh, well, don't you mean it's more a question of whether the world

deserves two of us?

By the way, if my mission fails, you'll have another mouth to feed and another

body to clothe indefinitely.

And I'm already burdening your generosity just by being here myself.

Oh, you know that's not true?

Sure. You know how we feel about you.

Thank you.

I'm also aware that any time you wanted to, you could recoup all this added

expense merely by exposing me as a Martian. We, uh, already made an

that. Remember?

Yes, I know.

I'm merely stating it as a preface to saying I was extremely fortunate to make

contact here on earth with a man who is as honorable as he is generous.

Goodbye,

Tim.

Goodbye, Uncle Martin. And good luck.

Goodbye, Uncle Martin. And good luck.

Goodbye, Tim.

So would you do me a favor?

Sure. Would you mind turning around for a second?

I always wanted to see the back of my head.

Handsome, virile, debonair.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Sylvia, hon, how are you? You know, that must be telepathy.

I was just thinking about you.

Hmm? The beach?

Oh, hon, I'd love to, but I can't. I'm afraid today's a labor day for old Tim O

'Hara.

Hey, hon, just a minute.

I think I got an idea.

I loaned my car to an old buddy.

Now, do you think he'd come by here and pick me up?

Yeah.

Right.

Well, it looks like you got yourself a beach boy.

Okay. Bye, hon.

Hi, old buddy.

Got the picture already.

Well, I thought we might just as well take advantage of the situation. Look,

day you're on, the next day, me.

Share the work.

Double the pleasure. Tim, you're my kind of people.

And in my book, you're the greatest.

How about that? A one -man mutual admiration society.

Oh, great suffering sand dams his nutty George.

Well...

Good morning, Tim.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I thought I heard you talking with someone.

Talking with someone?

It would have been impossible for me to be talking with... Well, there's no one

here but us.

Me?

Well, you can see for yourself.

I was wondering if I could borrow your typewriter. I have some notes to

transcribe and Aunt Laura Lee doesn't seem to have one.

Neither do I.

How about that? I guess I was thinking of somebody else's typewriter I don't

have. Well, bye.

Very interesting.

From a psychological point of view, I would very definitely say he has a

problem.

I guess I was thinking about somebody else's typewriter. I don't... Huh?

Hey, hurry up. I don't want you to be late for work, because I have a job to

keep.

All set.

Hey, what are you doing with Uncle Martin's personality, alter gator?

You want to be careful with that thing. It can change your personality

completely. Well, I was just lying around in the bedroom, and with old

George in here, I thought it might be better to stow it down in the garage.

Good thinking. But then again, why not?

You've got my brain.

Hey, that's what I'm late.

Okay.

I'm on my way.

Well, there's something even the man who has everything doesn't have.

Now, let's see.

I don't know if I'm going to work this thing.

Hi, George. What are you doing here?

Oh, Tim.

Well, your typewriter ribbon broke, and I thought I'm... What are you doing

here? I saw you drive off to work a few minutes ago. You saw me drive off to

work a few minutes ago? Of course I drove off to work a few minutes ago. You

see, I remembered that I forgot something, and so I stopped at the

my car at the gas station, and then I ran all the way back.

Which did we take with us, the tuna fish or the egg salad?

Which did you need for work? The tuna, the egg salad, or... George.

Sylvia. Sylvia. George. Hi.

Hello. Well, I thought we were going to the beach. The beach?

I thought you said... We're just going to go to work.

Well, yes.

I do my best work at the beach.

George, I don't want to rush you or anything, but I'm sure you understand.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi.

Oh, hello, Mr. Benson.

What do you mean? What did I mean by what I did?

What did I do?

I came to work.

I took my paycheck.

And I left.

I left. Of course I left, Mr. Benson.

You see, I remembered that I'd forgotten something at home, and so I came here

to pick it up.

Ten minutes.

Yes, sir.

I'll be back in ten minutes.

thought we were going to the beach.

Uh, the beach, yeah. Well, you see, hon, I'm going to have to go downtown. I'm

sorry, but... Oh, my car.

I gave it to him. Hon, I'm going to have to borrow yours. My car? But I'm

just... Oh, sweetheart, please, right now, just trust me. I need a little

I need a little hope.

And I think later on this afternoon, I'm going to need a lot of charity.

Oh, Tim.

Not now, George. I haven't got any time.

Say, weren't you just wearing different clothes?

Different clothes?

Why, I guess I was.

Why change in the car?

You haven't been gone more than half a minute. Half a minute, huh? Well, I'll

have to do better than that. You see, I'm starting to be a quick change

Say, is that young lady still upstairs?

Well, I guess so. You just left by yourself.

Yes, yes. That's very observant of you, George. I guess that's why you're such a

good psychiatrist.

Bye, George.

Where's Sylvia?

You, Benedict Arnold, home, getting dressed for this evening? We've got a

date. Oh, we had a wonderful time at the beach.

Oh, was that so?

Well, would you mind telling me what the big idea is? Taking my paycheck?

Taking my girl?

Temper, temper.

After all, you can't take things from yourself.

I'm you, and you're me.

Oh, no, we're not. Not anymore, we aren't. Oh, well, then you notice a

difference in our personality makeup, huh?

Oh, you can say that again.

Hey, did you... Did you use Uncle Martin's personality altercator?

Quite an improvement, isn't it?

Oh, by the way, things are going to be considerably different around here from

now on.

Different?

We... Oh, no, I mean I have taken it upon myself to write a story that you

never dare write.

How It Feels to Live with a Real Live Martian by Timothy J.

O 'Hara.

I think the J sort of adds a little dignity.

Don't you think so?

Bye.

Oh, brother, what am I going to do?

Uncle Martin, where are you?

On television.

On television.

On television.

How did you get in there?

I'm not in here.

I'm 35 miles outside of Denver, Colorado.

I'm merely employing a Martian variation of your closed -circuit television

system. Oh. I thought I'd better check in. I've been getting some very

disturbing vibrations.

Ha! You think your vibrations are disturbed?

Take a look at me.

Do you know what that... That...

Reasonable facsimile is done.

He has stolen my paycheck, stolen my girl, and now he not only intends to

over tomorrow, but he's also written a story entitled What It Is Like to Live

with a Martian by Timothy J. O 'Hara.

You're joking. No, no, I'm not. He added a middle initial.

I meant about him writing about me.

Now, what would make him want to do that?

It's not at all like you.

That's the point.

He is no longer exactly like me, except physically. He used your personality

altercator. This is serious.

I still haven't found enough NA2B407 yet.

You're going to have to keep him from turning in that story until I get back.

Oh, don't worry.

He won't get out of here tomorrow if I have to knock him out.

Which won't be easy.

Don't forget, for every muscle you have, he has a duplicate.

How do you like that?

Double -crossed by my own muscles.

Who is going to believe you? Now, will you just tell me that? Who is going to

believe that you have a real live Martian living in your house?

You go in and try and sell them a story like that, they'll throw you right out

in your ear. I have actual photographs of the spaceship right here.

And I have other pictures of various and sundry Martian inventions.

Anybody can take pictures. All you have to do is go to a dime store, buy a

little tiny toy spaceship, take a picture of it. And that's what they're

to say you did.

Well, not when I actually give a demonstration.

Of Uncle Martin's molecular separator. The molecular separator? Yes, you see, I

went out and put it in my car.

Of course, if I need final proof, there's you.

Me? What do you mean, there's me?

Well, I went into some detail in the article about how our Martian had

you by duplicating me.

Duplic... You're the duplicate.

I am the original.

Try to prove it.

Good morning, Tim.

Hi, George.

What's on your mind?

I was wondering when we could sit down and have a nice long talk.

You didn't promise, you know.

Did I?

Well, how about right now?

Now? Yeah.

Yeah, we can talk on the way downtown.

Good.

Well, of all the dirty, low -down tricks, I can't get near him as long as

George with him and he knows it.

Uncle Martin!

Uncle Martin, will you tune me in? Just tune me in once? I'm vibrating like

crazy!

Uncle Martin, you've got to do something.

Kindly stop pounding on me.

You're giving me a headache.

Oh, I'm sorry. But listen, he's gone down to see here magazine.

He's even disloyal to the newspaper.

He's going to tell them that he's me and that I'm him. And he took George with

him. And he also took your molecular separator. You're going to use that as

evidence. Now, you've got to do something. Can't you immobilize him or

something? Not from this distance.

And your Earth transport vehicles are so slow.

I don't know whether I can get there in time.

You'll just have to follow him and try to stall.

Uncle Martin, if anybody sees the two of us together, it's goodbye, Charlie.

I'm afraid it will also be goodbye, Uncle Martin.

I thought you were still doing Mr. Abernathy.

Mr. who?

Mr. Abernathy, the publisher of the magazine.

Oh, that Mr.

Abernathy. You mean I'm in there with him now?

I mean, I was in there with him now?

Yeah. I stepped out for a breather, George.

You realize, young man, that's a pretty fanciful tale you just told me.

Living all this time with a disguised Martian.

I can prove it.

And this, you say, is a molecular separator? Ah, ah, ah, don't touch.

First the money.

Then I'll give you a convincing demonstration.

Quite frankly, Mr. O 'Hara, my instinct is to have you thrown out as some sort

of eccentric.

Suit yourself.

I'll just go down the street to your competitor.

All right, Mr. O 'Hara.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll have a check drawn in your favor.

You understand that I can stop payment on it and have you arrested for fraud if

this is a hoax.

It's a deal.

I'll have to speak to the dispersing officer personally about that larger

I'll be back in a few minutes. I'll be here.

Look, George, I don't have any time now. I have to figure out what to do about

Mr. Abernathy.

Well, here he comes now. Who is Abernathy?

Mr. Abernathy?

Why are you here?

I thought you were going to wait in my office.

Your office? Yes, sir. Well, it was getting a little stuffy there.

Oh.

Well, I have your check.

Check? Yes, you demanded payment in advance before you demonstrated that

that you showed me.

I did?

Yes. I guess I did.

$10 ,000?

Oh, wasn't that the amount you asked for?

Oh, yeah, I suppose it was.

Give a dollar.

Take a dollar.

Oh, well.

What are you doing?

Mr. Abernathy, I have a confession to make.

I'm afraid that I didn't exactly tell you the truth.

As a matter of fact, I made up that whole story.

You see, I thought maybe you might be in the market for a good science fiction

story.

Science fi... Why, you confounded young upstart.

You almost had me believing that trash.

Trash? Well, it isn't necessarily trash. It could happen, you know.

Except, of course, it didn't.

Harold, get out of here.

And never show your face in my office again.

Your office?

Mr. Abernathy, why don't you take the afternoon off?

Why don't you go golfing or go hunting, catch a fish or something?

Ken, I'd like very much for you to meet Dr. Meyer. Later, George.

Later.

Tim, where did you go?

That was quick.

O 'Hara, I told you not to show your face in my office again.

Who, me?

Not a minute ago, out in the corridor, when you tore up my check.

Tore up your check?

Oh. Oh, so he's here, too, is he?

Now, look, this is nothing more than another Martian trick, Mr. Abernathy.

That wasn't me.

That was my duplicate.

It's all right in here.

I don't want to hear any more about your Martian tricks.

Take your junk and get out of here. If I could produce my duplicate, would that

convince you?

How do I know it isn't your twin brother?

With both of us having exactly the same fingerprints?

How did you get down here?

Well, where did you last see me, George?

Well, you went around that corner and just disappeared.

Oh, I did?

Well, I guess you must have ducked into one of those doors.

I would, yeah.

You've been gone, it's gotten worse, and what... Uncle Martin!

How did you get here?

Fortunately, I wasn't too far from the Air Defense Command base at Colorado

Springs.

I boarded one of their Los Angeles -bound jets.

Invisibly, of course. Oh.

Well, am I glad to see you, because he's been nothing but trouble ever since you

left. He's down here trying to sell a story about you.

Me? You're the one.

He's not me.

I'm me. You see what I mean?

Ever since he got a hold of your personality changer, he has been

become the permanent me.

Oh, come on.

Don't listen to him.

I am the original. I think we'd better put a stop to this before he gets out of

hand.

Well,

apparently your duplicate was unaware that when the machine is reversed, it's

reversed all the way.

The back of the scope does the work.

Boy, was that a close one. Not really.

You mean... Do you mean that you knew all the time that I was me?

In all honesty, I must confess the thought crossed my mind that possibly

were the fraud.

However, the moment that he reached for the machine, I knew better.

The real Tim O 'Hara is too tender -hearted to ever destroy a living thing.

Even his own image.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Just call me Chicken.

Perhaps I should.

After all, as a very wise man once told me, the chicken is not infrequently the

true dove of peace.

And I feel certain, Mr. O 'Hara, that Dr.

Meyerling and I can do wonders for Tim. But I have been observing him very

carefully. And he exhibits every classical symptom of the schizoidal dual

personality.

Maybe it's just a passing phase.

No, no, no, no. This is the fallacy.

In these cases, the situation invariably worsens.

I was just thinking about soup.

psychologist George may be, but he's right about one thing.

The situation invariably worsens.