Original subtitles

I can mark them home.

Well, will you just look at this mess?

Sorry, Tim.

I'll have things ship -shape in a minute.

Hold on.

Well, my insurance doesn't cover hit -and -run blackboards.

Uncle Martin? In the flesh, Tim.

Oh, no.

What happened?

But how did it happen? And don't tell me it's because you're worried a lot.

Worry may age humans, but it doesn't do a thing to Martians. I have actually

aged 400 Martian years.

However, it's only temporary.

400 years?

It's only temporary?

I'll gradually return to my old, I mean young self, within 48 hours.

You know...

I have been making a study of old age on Earth, where the aging process is much

faster than it is on Mars.

Oh, you can say that again.

But to really understand the problems of old age, Tim, one must experience them.

Come here, Tim.

On Mars, we have a process for aging cheese.

Now, I distilled some of the essence, took it undiluted, and it aged me.

Aged you.

Of course, there could be some side effects.

Yeah, like rigor mortis.

Stop worrying, Tim. I'm fine.

Yeah, but I still don't understand.

Now, you look like an old man, but your mind, well, it's as sharp as it ever

was. A Martian's mind is alert no matter how old he gets.

My great -grandfather passed away at the age of 2 ,000, and we didn't know it.

Because his brain kept right on working for another hundred years.

You can drop me off if you like.

Drop you off where?

Where are we going?

Well, we're going over to the warehouse on Avenue C. I've taken a job as night

watchman.

What do you need a job for? So I can be independent.

The first thing I've learned since I've aged, Tim...

is that older people don't want to be a burden to their families.

And you're my family, Tim.

The only family I have on this planet.

You're a grand old man, Uncle Martin.

We interrupt this program for a newsflash.

The latest in a series of daring robberies has just been executed.

The famed Raja Sapphire disappeared tonight from the Allsworth Museum.

We will bring you further developments as they occur.

You?

Anybody there?

Well, ladies, I too am sorry to meet under such unusual

circumstances, but there's a law against breaking and entering.

We only want to pick up a little something, Mr. O 'Hara. There's a law

that, too?

These are our things.

Then why didn't you come in through the front door?

Well, you see...

The storage room is under Mr. Philbert's name. He manages our estate, you know.

And this is it. When Father died, there wasn't much money left. But there were

all these lovely heirlooms.

And they belonged to us.

Only now we feel so useless with nothing to do, so we decided to go into

business. Blowing up warehouses?

Yes, of course, no.

We found just the perfect little spot for a tea room.

But we need the money for the lease and everything.

Well, some of these things look quite valuable.

Why don't you ask Mr. Philbert to sell some of them and give you the money?

Oh, we did. It was terribly nice.

But he said it was an unwise investment at our age.

Well, perhaps Mr. Filbert feels that you are not capable of running a business.

It can't be any harder than blowing out a wall.

Filbert whipped up her own recipe, too.

Didn't you, dear?

One teaspoon of glycerin, half a cup of TNT, and a quarter stick of butter. The

worst of five.

See, all we really want to do is to take one thing so we can sell it and use the

money to go into business.

I'm afraid I can't allow that, ladies.

Excuse me.

Watchman here.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Mr. Filbert.

Oh, yes, sir.

The management informed me that you would be dropping by.

I'll release the door, and you can come right up, sir.

Hold it, ladies.

But Mr. Philbert mustn't find us here. He warned us that elderly people who get

into trouble can be ruled incompetent. Then put away.

Oh, please let us go, Mr. O 'Hara.

Well, you'll bump into him if you leave now.

Over there.

And face the wall.

Mr. Filbert.

O 'Hara?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sirree.

Martin O 'Hara.

That's me. Good evening, O 'Hara.

I shall be calling from time to time in the evening.

I'm otherwise engaged during the day.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Anything you say, sir. Yes, sir.

Very good. Very good. I can see we shall get along splendidly.

And now, if you'll excuse me.

one of Cellini's better pieces.

And a fitting receptacle.

Raja's sapphire.

Are you finished?

Yes, thank you. Good night, O 'Halloran.

You can turn around now, ladies.

We can't thank you enough, Mr. O 'Hara.

If there's anything we can do... There is.

You can give up your life of crime and let someone help you who's equipped to

so. But we haven't anyone.

So happens.

I'm rather close to a very remarkable person. He can be most persuasive.

Unfortunately, he's not quite himself at the moment.

Four years ill?

Perhaps you could make him some of your lovely chicken soup.

Nevertheless, I promise you he'll see your Mr. Filbert and talk up a storm.

But suppose Mr.

Filbert still says no.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Now, come along, ladies.

I'm late for my rounds.

Come on.

Just in case the chicken soup doesn't work.

Ah, here's Mr. Filbert's office.

What do you want me to do?

Well, I thought that if we both talked to him, we might be able to persuade him

that the Harvey sisters would be better off if they were doing something useful.

Oh, I don't know. I think busting into warehouses is sort of a nice pastime.

Keeps me out of the pool hall.

Something the matter?

I don't know yet.

I'm getting vibration.

What is that?

It's me.

When you get to be 850 years old, you tend to creak a little.

Eight, nine, five thousand.

Jeez, ain't you gonna give me no more than that, Mr. Filbert?

Benny, you are without doubt the worst cutthroat it has ever been, my

to meet.

Me? I ain't never done nothing like that, Mr. Filbert. I'm strictly a high

-class jewel thief.

I was referring to your merciless slaughter of your mother town.

Okay, if you say so, Mr. Filbert.

But it's like this. I seen in the paper where... Benny, you saw in the paper.

Yeah, I seen it in the paper where this here sapphire kite for you is worth

maybe a hundred grand.

Look, I know where we could fence the rock for 50 Gs easy.

As I have explained to you before, Benny, I am not interested in fencing

various items you acquire for me.

I prefer to keep them for my own personal enjoyment.

Mr. Philbert, you're some kind of a nut. Do you know that? I mean, you're some

kind of a nut.

That's a nut.

to discuss my personal idiosyncrasies with you, of all people.

I didn't mean nothing, Mr. Filbert.

I just got a big mouth.

I see you admire the Ptolemy dagger.

So -called because it was used in the assassination of Ptolemy the Lesser.

He was stabbed with it in the trachea, thereby rendering him unable to talk and

causing him to expire slowly.

and in excruciating pain.

Jeez.

I bet that'll eat.

He's some kind of a nut.

Boy, if that's the case, then we're on to something really... Ladies, you

promised you'd stop breaking and entering.

Oh, just this once, Mr. O 'Hara. It was important.

That must be the young man that's going to help us.

Oh. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Tim, these are the ladies that I told you about.

I do hope you're feeling better. I brought you some chicken soup.

Thank you.

I think.

What was so important that you had to come here?

We're terribly embarrassed.

Especially after you were so kind to us last night.

Go ahead, dear.

Well, after hearing the news report on the radio, it seems we have acquired

What did you call it, dear?

A hot rock?

Excuse us, lady.

I have a plan. Well, I hope it's not a 20 -year one. You know, that's what we

could get for being caught with that thing.

Don't worry.

I... What'd you do that for?

I didn't.

I'm afraid this is one of the side effects I mentioned to him.

I'm slightly magnetized.

Wow. Determination is one thing, but that kind of stick -to -itiveness, we

need right now.

We'll just have to chance it. Now, listen.

We phone Mr. Filbert tonight and tell him we're fronting for the Avenue C

The Avenue Seymour? That's us.

We'll tell him we'll put the snatch on the sapphire, but it's too hot to

We'll ransom it back to him for $10 ,000.

You think he'll fall for it? Of course.

He'll go to any lengths to recover it.

He has what amounts to a psychotic fixation for precious gems of historical

interest. Hey, Uncle Martin, have you been doing a little moonlighting as a

psychiatrist?

The first thing he'll do is go to the warehouse to make sure the sapphire is

gone. And that's where we nab him, red -handed. Well, how are we going to nab

him red -handed when we have the Rajah Sapphire? Simple.

We give it back to him.

Right on schedule.

Mr. O 'Hara, Matilda and I talked it over, and we don't think you should come

any further into this caper. It's much too dangerous.

What? What am I?

A cream puff?

Of course not. It's just that if we get caught, we are rather old. And if they

give us life in prison, it won't matter much.

But you're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. We don't want to

it. I appreciate your concern, but... Well, I can't let you senior citizens

all the risks.

Someone's coming.

All right.

Now, you ladies wait here.

I'll go see if that's Uncle Martin.

Don't be frightened.

Uncle Martin, is that you?

Yes.

Everything's all set.

Filbert's in the storage room, checking the cabinet.

Hey, hey, just a minute.

Come here.

Great Gallop and Gallop system. This is no way to treat a man of my advanced

years. That's the point.

You've stopped advancing. You're retreating. You're getting younger.

Tim, it wasn't supposed to happen for another 12 hours.

What went wrong?

I don't know.

Maybe you ate the wrong kind of cheese.

I can't stop to worry about it now.

And I certainly can't let Tessie and Matilda see me like this.

That's a coincidence.

That's what I was going to say.

Tim, you're going to have to carry the ball.

Oh, yeah?

It's a $100 ,000 ball, so be careful.

Yeah, well, you too. But just remember one thing.

You have to intercept the pass to Filbert.

So, don't drop the ball, because we could lose the ball game.

Fifty years to nothing.

Come with me.

Here's where I want you to bring the ladies.

Tell them that they're to be lookouts.

That'll keep them out of harm, but still feeling useful.

That's good thinking.

The minute you hand Filbert the sapphire, I'll take over.

Wrap him up in a nice, neat bundle.

Then you and the ladies turn him over to the police. Check.

I'll be right behind you every step of the way, so don't worry.

I'll be fearless.

I'm still magnetized.

All right, if you insist.

Come on, but just don't get in the way.

But I don't understand, Tim. Where is Mr. O 'Hara?

Well, you see, what we intend to do, ladies, is to surround him. Now, the

is for you two to wait in here as reinforcements.

Come on, ladies. Filbert's not going to wait forever. All right.

All right, Uncle Martin.

Let's go get him.

Do you know what I think, Matilda?

Do you think the same thing I do? That we're being left out again. I think so,

too. I also think we're not going to stand for it.

There's someone out there.

It's the elder Mr. O 'Hara. Oh, no, no. It's a much younger man.

Oh, dear.

It must be one of Mr. Filbert's accomplices.

Poor Tim is out there alone with them. That makes two against one. We must do

something, Matilda.

How did you do that?

I don't know.

Maybe it ricocheted.

Let's see what else we can do to help.

Look, Jim.

That pea shooter isn't going to do you any good.

I'm fearless.

I got protection.

Don't mind. I'll hold on to it. I get a terrible feeling of inadequacy without

it. Well, suit yourself.

And now, the Rajah Sapphire, if you please.

I am warning you, Filbert.

You'll be sorry.

Don't do that. Don't do that. That's a priceless gem, not a toy.

Okay, catch.

Behold its pure, pristine beauty.

Enjoy it a moment, my friend.

Yours and mine are the last eyes that will see it in this lifetime.

Oh, I wouldn't count on that.

Okay, Uncle Martin.

He's all yours.

Uncle Martin.

I don't mind.

What are you doing?

I think a fearless man has just become a devout coward.

I just became fearless again. I would like you to meet the brains behind the

Avenue C mob.

Here's one trick I'll bet you can't do.

You can't really want to do this.

This is inhuman. On the contrary, my dear friend.

I can't stand the sight of blood when I shoot someone.

Now, close, please.

Thank you.

Now, get inside.

Put your hands up.

In case you're not familiar with the history of warfare, it was bullets that

made those tin suits obsolete.

I'm over here.

Who's your friend?

A nosy knight, and never mind.

As soon as I'm gone, you can release the ladies, and I'll meet you back at the

apartment. Oh?

Well, what'll I tell the police?

Just what we planned.

The ladies came to you for help.

You suspected Philbert was a crook. You had no proof.

But being an intrepid newspaper man, you laid a trap, and he fell in it.

Oh.

But they'll talk about you, Uncle Martin. I mean, after all, you're a hero

them. I suppose I am, rather.

Well, you just tell them that like all heroes, Tim, I prefer anonymity. They'll

accept that.

Uh -oh.

The minions of the law are prompt.

Okay, come on if you're coming.

My uncle.

The knight.

Say, did you know there was a $500 reward for Benny's capture, too?

Well, I don't imagine Tessie and Matilda will have to sell any of their

heirlooms now to open the tea shop.

Not with the reward money they got for recovering the jewels.

They want me to share in it, but I said this was enough for me. I didn't need

any money.

Sometimes I'm an awful liar.

Be of good cheer, my boy. At least I got my research finished and my conclusions

drawn. Like what?

That old age, Tim, is a state of mind.

Martian or human.

We stay young as long as we continue to contribute to life.

It's not sad to acquire years and grow old, Tim.

It's only sad if the years aren't you.