Original subtitles

Oh, good morning, Uncle Martin.

You've been working on the time machine all night?

All night, Tim.

Oh.

Pardon me. Well, did you visit any interesting places?

Well, I went to Milan in the year 1450 to consult with Leonardo da Vinci. Oh,

yeah. That's the guy that painted the Mona Lisa. Uh -huh. And first developed

the principles of human flight.

I got an answer from him.

To a question that has been puzzling the experts for centuries.

What was that?

He was tickling her feet.

Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck. Humor is in your sense of humor.

Well, at least I succeeded in waking you up.

Actually, Tim, the machine is stuck.

Stuck? Yes.

The time, 1870.

The place, the state of Missouri.

And that wouldn't help me.

I want to go back to the time and the place just before my crash occurred.

So that I can see what went wrong.

Well, good luck.

Say, Uncle Martin, next time you visit Leonardo, would you ask him to remind

to plug in the coffee pot when you get back? So that when your nephew wakes up,

he can have a nice hot cup of coffee.

No, don't, Tim.

What happened?

The short circuit in that coffee pot reversed the directional beam.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you two gentlemen from Missouri?

That's right.

How'd you know?

And the year is 1870?

It was a minute ago.

I was afraid of that.

Tim, I want you to meet two very famous brothers, Frank and Jesse James.

How you doing? Please.

Do you think Jesse James?

And that thing he's got in his hand is not a trumpet.

Now, Mr. James.

Call me Jesse.

Now, I realize I placed you and your brother in a very embarrassing

How do you mean that, mister?

Well, you see, this is just not your world.

You've been dead for a very long time.

I have?

About a hundred years.

I thought it'd be harder... That's a funny thing to call a nice place like

No, this is the United States, a hundred years later.

But don't worry. I can take you right back to where you belong.

Frank.

You want me? Will you bring me that machine that's sitting on the kitchen

Yes, sir.

Frank's a good boy.

I promised Ma I'd look out for him.

All right, mister.

Do you say you can get us back to Missouri?

I certainly can.

Just as soon as Frank brings in that machine.

That's red sticking out of there.

Well, you must have caught it at feeding time.

Lame thing has two mouths, and its tail is stuck in the wall.

All right, mister.

How do you aim to get us back to Missouri on bat?

No, no, Jesse, that's the wrong machine.

Oh, I know which machine you mean.

I'm beginning to think I should have brought back Nero.

At least we could have had music while the toast burned.

How does this thing work?

Well, it's all set. All I have to do is to have you and Frank stand in front of

it, push that switch down, and you'll be back in Missouri in a flash.

Hey, that's as handy as a pocket in a shirt.

Yeah.

It's just one trouble.

What is that?

We don't want to go back.

What? What?

What? But thank you kindly for showing us what not to do.

But... Frank, step into the kitchen with me.

We got some confabbing to do.

Or you fellas keep comfortable here.

Do something.

Levitate the gun or the time machine.

Tim, these men are experts. I can't even wiggle my levitating finger.

Let's see if we can stand up.

And you fellas, come on, back to the dive van.

Let's move. Come on.

Here, put it on.

Here, put it on. Martin, Tim, is this a hold -up?

Thus far, Rory, the exact nature of the activity has not manifested itself.

However, you would be well advised not to make waves.

All right, you all sit down. I got something I want to tell you. Yes, sir,

sir.

Pardon me, ma 'am.

You know, somebody's cut off the whole bottom half of your skirt.

That's the way they wear them now.

Gunny.

Uh, where you put the hoops?

Uh, perhaps I should break it to you, Mrs. Brown. These two gentlemen are

James and his brother, Frank.

Oh, Jesse, Frank.

Jesse James!

I'll explain it later.

But I thought they were dead.

I thought we were, too.

Unfortunately, they're very much alive.

And mighty anxious to get back to work. We're going to hold up Santa Fe again.

Again? We tried it once, and things went wrong.

It ain't often fellas get a second chance like this.

You'll never get away with it. Getting away with it's going to be the easiest

part. What with this little fella here.

What do you know about that?

Well, don't you remember?

You showed us.

Can I take her with me, Jesse?

Sure. She can help carry the money.

Martin, you've got to stop them.

Now, don't panic, Mrs. Brown. We'll do something. You ain't going to do

You ain't even going to be able to find us. We ain't going to stop in Missouri

in 1870.

What are we going to do, Jess?

Frank, there's a heap of money and gold and everything else to be taken when

you've got all the history to do your robbing in.

You mean like that Confederate gold they said they had down in Richmond?

Oh, that's only a beginning.

There, we go back a few more years to the colonies and old King George's tax

collectors. Yes, yes.

And then, then there's that Midas fella.

And, and, and Solomon.

Solomon. Oh, Solomon. They said he married rich. Yes.

But how is it possible?

It's possible, Mrs. Brown.

It's possible.

They've got Mrs. Brown.

And her car.

And my time machine.

And they're about to lay their hands on a cool fortune if we don't get out of

here and stop them. How much time have we got?

That depends.

One can never quite figure on women drivers.

And undoubtedly, Laura Lee's behind the wheel.

As neither Frank nor Jesse can handle that horseless buggy.

Good luck, Uncle Martin.

I've got the tip of my levitating finger to where I can move it just a little.

Here, stand up behind me. I'll see what I can do. Okay.

But what?

Rotten shot.

Now, Tim, turn around so I can get at the mats on your hands.

Hurry up, Tim. All history's at stake.

All right, now what do we do?

Well, you can begin by untying me.

How are we ever going to find them? They've got an hour head start on us.

Tim, I can possibly locate them with my orbital sonoscope.

It's on the spaceship.

It sends out a pulsating signal which rebounds off the object it's set for and

tells me how close I am. Oh, yes.

Well, how can you set it specifically for Mrs. Brown's car?

It depends on certain chemical elements being present.

Oh. Well, let's see. Her car is made of steel, glass, aluminum, rubber, chrome.

So is every other car on the road.

Now, what I need is something unique in her particular car.

Tim, you were helping Laura Lee unload some groceries from the trunk yesterday.

What does she have in there?

Well, there was a jack.

Everybody has one. What else?

Well, let's see.

There was an umbrella.

One driving glove.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she had her nephew's skateboard.

Oh, also an album of old Rudy Vallee records.

Tim, that's it.

You mean your orbital sonar scope can get a fix on Rudy?

No, no, no, the skateboard.

The ball barons and skate wheels contain vanadium. But you will zero in on a

half a million skateboards.

But how many skateboards are locked in a steel receptacle like a car trunk?

That closed airspace will alter the vanadium signal just enough to make it

distinctive. Well, let's hurry or that train's going to be in for one big

And that's not all. If they get loose in history with that time machine, Mrs.

Brown's picture will be in every post office from the Confederacy to the Roman

Empire.

Tim O 'Hara. Tim O 'Hara. Will you read me? Will you read me? Mr. Martin, where

are you? In the spaceship.

I'm transmitting on mental telepathy audio.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, I have the map. Any luck so far?

Yes, I have a fix on the car.

It's exactly 57 miles southwest of where you are.

Are you sure that's southwest?

Right. Oh.

Well, then it must have been an awfully wet trip.

Because that's 25 miles out in the Pacific, on Catalina Island.

Sorry, Tim. The cloud cover confused me momentarily.

However, there can't be too many skateboards locked in auto trunks.

I'll try again and contact you.

Tim! Tim! Oh, Tim! Oh, Tim!

Yes, Uncle Martin? I've just found them. Just 11 miles due east of where you

are.

Well, let's see, uh...

That'll be the town of Silversburg.

Oh, incidentally, that's right on the Santa Fe.

Good. I'll be right down.

Well, you better hurry, because there's a train due through that area in exactly

one hour.

You know, I don't know what we're going to do when we get there, but we better

get there. We haven't got much time to waste.

Can you hear me?

Loud and clear, Tim. Well, then get to... Uncle Martin, where did you come

For heaven's sake, Tim, let's not go into all that again.

Well, we off to Silversburg?

Wait a minute.

Do you hear that?

What?

Oh, I forgot.

Let me amplify it for you.

Well, I like the melody.

How do the lyrics go?

Tim, those sounds mean there's a railroad signal control unit in this

Maybe we can stop that train. Come on, Tim, let's go.

Well, there's no one here.

I don't mind that, but they've been inconsiderate enough to lock the door.

You know what I want in your hand here to have around in a bobby pin? Never

the compliments. We have work to do.

All right, you two.

Stand right where you are. I think he's talking to you.

Who are you?

Railroad Security Patrol, that's who.

Oh, well, you're just the man we're looking for. Two men are going to hold

the train.

We're going to hold up the train. Oh, they still are. You see, it's the James

boys. There's Jesse and there's... No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Oh, so you're the James boys.

Well, this is a pleasure. Oh, let me introduce myself.

I'm Marshal Dillon.

Well, there you are, gentlemen. I'll just go get my coat and we'll be on our

way.

You know, techniques for tying people haven't changed much in 90 years. He

trussed us up the same way the James boys did.

Except for one thing.

My levitating finger is free.

Oh, well, I'm tiny.

No time for that. Hang on.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, you crooks, come back here!

I realize that we've spent so much time tied up today, I don't know how to act

when I'm loose.

Well, you better figure it out.

We have less than ten minutes to get back Mrs. Brown and the time machine and

send those James boys packing off to Missouri.

I'm afraid it'll be easy for the boys to lose themselves in a western town like

this. They'll look like all the rest of the inhabitants.

Except for one thing. There are no other inhabitants.

This is a ghost town.

A ghost town?

Well, then the train won't be stopping here.

Oh, when Jesse held up a train, it rarely had a scheduled stop.

What do you mean? You mean they held up a moving train?

No, it was just that Jesse and his gang were so busy setting up the roadblock or

dynamiting the track that they didn't have time to inform the railroad so that

they could print a new schedule.

Well, there's smoke on the mud, and we've got to... Hey, look.

Well, we know they're here.

Mrs. Brown is still with them. I'd recognize her driving anywhere.

Hey.

Look.

She managed to leave a note.

Help. Jail.

Hmm. Tim, they're holding her there.

Well, let's go.

I don't see her here.

Hey, look.

That looks like Frank's hat.

I don't like this, Tim.

Look, at least we have the dynamite. Now all we have to do is hide it.

What an idiot. Go ahead, Tim. Kick the box.

It'll be empty.

Jor is.

I'm on my way out to set the charge right now. You know, them trains don't

on their own.

Thanks. I've already had all that explained.

Thank you. Keep an eye on it.

What about Mrs. Brown?

Thinking about that note?

We made her write it.

You haven't done anything, Jor, have you?

Well, mercy no. We're going to take her with us. Got to have something to show

for this trip besides money.

You two just make yourselves comfortable there.

You've got to get out of here now.

Why don't you just disappear?

I've been trying.

But being tied up cut off my circulation and the lift valves in my antenna

elevators are stuck.

This is a great time for you to need a valve job.

Is there something you can do?

There is a way. I can get the lubricant circulating and free the valves, but

Frank out there might think it was a little peculiar.

You just go ahead and do it.

I'll take care of Frank.

What's he doing that for?

Frank, didn't you ever get so mad that you had to go stand in a corner?

Yeah, but I stood on my feet.

Well, that's the problem, you see. He is so mad that he doesn't know which end

is up.

You know what Jesse used to do when he had to stand in the corner?

Uh -uh.

He'd beat his head on the wall.

Like this.

Do you know that hurt like thunder?

I recall the time... Hey!

Where did he go?

Hey, you get back here!

and we have to find Mrs. Brown.

Hey, I thought you levitated Frank's gun.

That's Jesse.

Jesse? But I thought Jesse was...

Oh,

I wish you Martins carried guns. Even by himself, Jesse has the advantage.

Yes, and he won't be by himself long.

No doubt Frank has already let himself out of that jail.

We'll just have to use their guns.

Tim, try to draw their fire.

Are you crazy?

Excellent. All I needed was something to record.

All right, come and get us.

Right.

I hope you can keep playing those shots over and over. Yes, but we need

something more lethal.

Duck into that saloon over there and see if you can find anything that can

possibly be of help.

Okay. Cover me.

We got to do something, Jesse.

Them shots is getting mighty close. That last one creased my hat.

Frank, you don't even have a hat on.

Oh, that's even closer.

Nothing at all?

I'm not much of a bunch of busted -up old furniture and a lot of old cowboy

hats.

The hat.

Get them, and hurry. That dynamite could go off at any minute.

Frank, I'll tell you what.

You sneak over to the bank, get behind him. That way we can catch him in a

crossfire. I got you.

Jesse, look!

All right, so there's three of them. We've taken on more than that.

There is more than that. Look.

Kim, do you notice anything peculiar?

Yeah. Yeah, they stopped shooting.

All right, Martin, they let me go.

They said you'll never catch them. They're going back to Missouri.

Well, thank goodness they didn't take you.

Oh, it was close.

But then Jesse reminded Frank that he was a married man.

Martin, I don't understand.

Am I dreaming or something?

Unfortunately, you're wide awake, but there's no time to explain now.

You just stay here.

Tim, let's get the time machine.

They're gone, all right.

The time machine looks undamaged.

Don't touch that or you won't be undamaged long.

I am up, Frank.

Oh, not again.

Yep. That dynamite we fixed over there is about to go off any minute. And we

us some train holding up to do.

Oh, Jesse.

Why did you do it?

What?

Oh. Oh.

Oh, Jesse.

I didn't do it.

There must be somebody else shooting.

Martin, the dynamite. Quick, we've got to find it.

There's no time. Look.

Well, that was quick thinking, but I don't understand.

Why did the dynamite go off?

Very simple. For those few moments, I turned the train back to the year 1866.

Oh, what difference does that make?

Tim, my boy, if you had studied your history, you'd know that Alfred Nobel

did not invent dynamite until the year 1867.

Martin, those steaks were magnificent.

Simply gorgeous.

Five seconds of motion.

Yes, sir, you really put your brain on them steaks, partner.

Please, Tim, let's let the sleeping doggies lie.

I'm going to get a little more of that good coffee of yours, Tim.

Boy, that mind -clearing device really worked on Mrs. Brown.

She doesn't remember a thing.

With women, I find it a little easier to clear the mind.

Messier, but easier.

Oh, my.

Dinner by candlelight always reminds me of Jessie.

Jessie? Jessie.

My cousin Jessie.

Oh, she just loved dinner by candlelight.

There you are.

More?

Well, now I'm going to get my contribution.

The dessert.

Oh, may I help you? Oh, no, thank you. I can manage.

Wow.

She had me scared there for a minute.

I'm sorry, Tim.

That hiccup triggered my playback mechanism.

I've got to remember to erase those pistol shots.

That's good thinking.

Well, you could put on some waltzes, and Mrs. Brown and I could dance.