Original subtitles

Sir, the only way that you could ever have a high IQ is to go up in a blimp.

Harry, you're hardly in a position to appraise an intelligent person. You see,

it takes one to know one.

Well, since it takes one to know one, Brennan, you should be much better at

spotting thieves.

You've been stealing the police department's money for years.

Yeah, Uncle Martin. Yes, Tim. I know you enjoy playing verbal ping -pong with

Brennan, but don't you think that that last backhand was sort of a nasty crack?

The only nasty crack about Mr. Brennan is his big mouth.

Hey, Uncle Martin, I'm a little worried about you. I mean, the way you've been

acting, you haven't been yourself lately. Now, you're being ridiculous.

We both know there's only one person on Earth who could be like me, and that's

me.

Now, let's drop the subject.

There is nothing different about me.

Uncle Martin?

The chair.

I just have to get my thoughts on something else besides that Brennan.

Uncle Martin, the table turned.

Not quite, but I'll turn the tables on that brunette.

Or my name isn't... Gold.

Gold. What in heaven's name are you talking about?

You know what my name is. My name isn't... Gold. The table.

And the chair.

Uncle Martin, they both changed into gold.

Gold.

Good grief, Tim.

I'm not well.

I don't think I am either.

Careful, careful, Tim. Don't get too close to me. Your sterling character

become 14 carat. Do you mean to tell me that everything you touch is going to

change into gold?

Well, let's hope not everything, huh?

Oh,

here. Here you go.

Well, I've heard of blowing a fortune, but that's ridiculous.

I know it's crazy.

I mean, I've heard the fable about King Midas and the Midas Sledge, but...

Fable? My naive young friend, if you could research the subject properly, you

would find that King Midas is merely a corruption of King Martus, the Latin

for... Martus?

You mean... My first case of gold starvation. As you earthlings require

your diet, we Martians need gold.

There's been none in my diet since I left Mars. But I just don't get it. I

if you need gold, how come you're turning everything into it? Or are you

to eat the table?

To compensate for the lack of it in my system, my body is manufacturing its

Unfortunately, inedible.

But as long as I have a gold deficiency, everything my hands touch will be

turned to gold.

Well, do you realize that just a few minutes ago...

This was nothing more than a fugitive from a second -hand store.

And now... I just can't get over it. Me either. Until I find the cure.

Until then, we've got to keep me away from everything and everybody.

Especially that flatfoot with head to mat.

Good night,

Tim. Sleep.

Carefully.

Good morning,

Laura Lee. Oh, Bill, I'm so happy you could make it today.

I've got something special planned. I've been preparing that delicious barbecue

sauce you love so much. Good.

And I want you and Martin... No good.

Now, Bill, I know what happened last night, but I insist that you make up.

It'll show Martin what a big person you are. Now, take my word.

When you shake his hand, he'll see what you're really made of.

Sodium, calcium, phosphorus.

But not an ounce of gold in any of your earthly food.

Hey, you know, now that you mention it, I wonder what gold is selling for now by

the ounce.

Somewhere on this backward planet, there must be a food containing gold.

Well, if there is, I couldn't help you.

Unless, how about a goldenrod salad?

Not goldenrod.

But there is a place where they have gold bricks.

In the Army?

A little spot in Kentucky called Fort Knox.

You mentioned salad.

Ah, now what I need is a diet of greens that has been grown in a gold -enriched

soil. Well, the only thing that grows in vaults is interest.

In the vault, yes.

But gold dust settles on those vault floors.

And when they scrub those floors, the water carries gold salts out through the

drains and into the soil outside.

Now, there must be some kind of a creek or stream with plants growing.

What I need is a salad made of those plants.

Oh, I get it. Sort of a mixed green salad where the green is negotiable.

But I don't dare leave the house.

I can't even touch a plane ticket.

Yeah, well, I don't know what to tell you. I mean...

I'd be glad to fly down for you, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be of any use at all.

You see, all streams look alike to me.

Yes.

We'll have to locate the one that flows past the vault.

Fort Knox.

Fort Knox.

Fort Knox.

Fort Knox.

Fort... Knox.

There it is.

A stream right beyond the southeast corner.

A floor plan of Fort Knox?

Don't tell me you're the man who designed it. No, his teacher.

Not a bad job of switching my original plan.

Look it over carefully.

Oh, no, not me. Listen, I'm like talking my sleep. You said the southeast

corner, and the southeast corner is fine for me.

But as far as I'm concerned, I want this hunk of evidence.

Go on.

Southeast corner.

Sir? Whoops.

Southeast corner.

Southeast corner.

You mean you won't?

I'm sorry, Laura Lee, but my mother told me to associate only with my equals and

better. Oh, Bill.

Oh, it's just a piece of burnt paper, silly.

Oh. Hmm.

Well, here, this should give you some idea of his incompetence, burning papers

in his fireplace.

Well, maybe he was out of firewood.

He should have used his head.

And I mean that two -way.

Oh, you're just impossible, you... you... you man, you... Oh, well, Laura

Lee, try to understand.

I understand, yes. I am ashamed of you, Bill Brennan. I have nothing more to

say. You just leave me speechless.

But, Loralee... Except that I think you're being pig -headed and petty and

letting your ridiculous masculine pride get in the way of my happiness. Because

I certainly couldn't be happy. Nobody could when their two most favorite

are so antagonistic to each other that they won't even make an effort to let

bygones be bygones, even for me. And I'm just... Well, I'm just...

I apologize for what I did. I hope I didn't make you unhappy.

Oh, Bill, you make me so proud.

I'll go call the boys to come down and we'll all have dinner together. And I

know you'll both be as good as gold.

If I leave at 8 .30, I'll arrive there at 12 .30. Now, it'll just give me time.

If I have two hours... Yeah, hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, sure, just a second.

Tim.

Oh, for God.

I almost turned every telephone in the world into gold.

Well, that would have made the phone company pretty happy.

Oh, hello?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Brown.

Dinner? Well...

Well, that's very generous of you, but truthfully, I don't think it would be

possible. But, Martin, I've been working all morning basting my ribs.

The last time I made them, you and Tim said you liked them.

Wonderful. Then you'll come?

We would, only Tim has to leave town.

We were planning on just grabbing a bite so he could catch his plane. You

understand. I certainly do.

You just don't like my ribs.

Of course we do.

In fact, I can't think of anyone whose ribs I admire more.

Dinner will be at six.

I'm sure that it'll be very cozy with just the three of us.

Brendan!

Hello? Hello, Mrs. Brown?

Mrs. Brown?

She hung up. Oh, boy. Well, that's going to be a marvelous dinner with old eagle

-eyed Brendan there. Listen, you can't get over the gold standard long enough

pick up a napkin.

For an intelligent man.

Sometimes I can be pretty dumb.

Oh, that must be them.

Unfortunately.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, I'm so glad you could come.

Now, before we sit down, I insist that you two silly boys shake hands and make

up. Mrs. Brown, I knew you'd want us to shake hands. And even though I'd enjoy

nothing more than shaking hands with Lieutenant Brennan, as you can see,

sprained. I'm reaching around. Time to pat yourself on the back, no doubt.

Now, now, now, now, we'll have no more of this. And Tim and I will see to it

that you two behave, won't we, Tim?

Well, I'm perfectly willing to give it a try.

Of course, I've never refereed in a dinner before.

Uncle Martin, uh, uh, we'll be sitting over here?

Yes.

Oh, thank you, Bill.

Thank you, Tim.

You boys just help yourselves.

Oh, all except poor Martin.

Loralee will help you with your ribs.

Thank you, Mrs. Brown.

Mmm, delicious, Loralee.

Mmm, mmm, they're sensational.

Mrs. Brown, that meal was absolutely delicious.

And I don't mean to be rude, but as the saying goes, eat and run.

I'm afraid I have to catch an 8 .30 flight.

Oh, and if you will excuse me, I'm afraid I have to leave, too.

Yes, Uncle Martin has to give me a hand.

Thank you, Chairman.

I'm so glad you could come.

Oh, please, sir, you have to leave. It was marvelous, Mrs. Brown, thank you.

Good night. Thank you very much. Good night. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, I must say, I'm very flattered you all enjoyed my dinner.

Especially Martin, even with his injured hand. Did you see the way he cleaned

his plate?

Well... He sure did.

Like a good boy.

Like a Tasmanian wolfhound.

Now, Bill.

Well, he looked to eat spare ribs.

Boy, he must have been starved.

You know, those boys don't eat properly up there.

Unless he dropped them under the... What is

it? Looks like gold.

Feels like gold.

Tastes like gold.

Oh, isn't that interesting?

I'd say downright peculiar.

What's O 'Hara doing with a chunk of gold?

Oh, dear.

Eating all those bones.

I bet he lost a filling.

This size?

He'd have to have teeth like a hippopotamus.

You know, possession of gold bullion is illegal in the United States these days.

I think I'm onto something bigger than O 'Hara's molars.

Oh, Loralee, that's not true.

You know, I never jump to conclusions. I'm not that kind of detective.

But if the only place that's authorized to have gold in this form is Fort

Knox... KNOX.

N -O -X.

Now, Bill, I think you...

What

is it?

It's a floor plan. Part of a floor plan. A building with very thick walls.

Something N -O -X.

May I use your phone? Line of duty.

Great.

Airport information, please.

Information.

How many planes do you have departing tonight at 8 .30?

Yes. Where is it bound?

Wichita?

St. Louis?

Did you say Fort Knox?

Ah.

Good morning, Bill.

Brennan.

8 .30 in the morning.

He's on to something.

Yes, Laura Lee, I think you'll be needing a sign. Quote.

Three -room garage apartment for rent unbooked.

They'll be moving?

Shh.

I should say very, very soon.

You're not thinking of putting up a for rent sign with that.

I think it may help me to get O 'Hara a long lease in, shall we say, a federal

housing project.

how they're smuggling it out of the country.

That's furniture.

Solid gold furniture.

Oh, dear. He must have had a nasty blow on the head.

Oh, yes, yes. There's a bump. It's even bigger than I dreamed.

Well, don't worry about it. I'll put some ice on it.

Open up.

Open up. Open up in the name of the Lord.

I'd ask you in, Brennan, but you seem to be in already.

confiscate every piece of... Where is it?

Where is what?

The solid gold furniture that was right there, and you can't deny it. I've

already seen it.

Then I suggest you see something else, like a good optometrist.

I don't know where you've hidden it, but I'm going to find it. Ah, you do have a

search warrant.

You might as well cooperate, O 'Hara.

That accomplice of yours, Tim O 'Hara, has already been arrested at Fort Knox.

Somebody mention my name? Have a nice trip, Tim.

How did you get here? I teletyped Fort Knox to have you picked up. Oh, come on,

Detective Brennan. They can't arrest you for picking grass. Except in front of

the public library.

I'm going to check on that.

You haven't seen the last of me. What a pity.

But I saw it.

I did.

to my touch. It contains the minerals I need.

Uncle Martin, what happened?

What happened to everything?

Shh, Tim. Never mind. Never mind. Not now. The furniture has completely

Whatever happened to all the gold?

Tim, please. Not right now. It's all right. What do you mean it's all right?

right, my foot. Why, this table alone was worth a... Oh, I get it.

I get it. You just painted it over. It's still gold.

Calling for assistance.

Oh, dear, that must have been a nasty blow in the head.

Please, Lord, I'm all right.

Car 341 calling for assistance.

Oh, I didn't know there were assistant policemen.

Car 341, come in. Over. This is Lieutenant Brennan. Now, hear this.

All cars in the vicinity of 21 Elm Street, close in fast.

And better come in with your sirens screaming.

I want the O 'Hara gang to know that it hasn't a chance of escaping.

Oh, yes.

And I want one big, rugged moving van.

Dick Tracy just blew the whistle on us. We've only got minutes, Tim.

Causing me more like 30 years. I'm really sorry I shut off my mouth. Unless

can get this contraption to work properly.

This is now time to install indirect lighting.

No, no, no, no, Tim. This is a makeshift cyclotron.

If I can bombard this room full of synthetic gold with just enough

chain reaction will result and everything should return to its original

Oh?

Well, I think it's our only chance.

This is Lieutenant Brennan. Open up in the name of the law.

I don't know if it can take full power, but here goes.

Open up peaceably or I'm coming in forcibly.

These molecules have to double their vibrations because it's still not

If you put up your hand.

And Tim O 'Hara.

I am arresting you for the illegal possession of gold, for attempting to

gold out of the United States, and for the theft of an unspecified amount of

gold bullion from the depository at Fort Knox, Kentucky.

I thought you'd say something like that.

What to the end, aren't you? Well, that's exactly what this is.

And that's your transportation coming now.

What was that?

I guess we blew a fuse.

Oh, Bill, your assistant policemen are here.

Captain? Well, you've got half the police force out there, so what's your

problem? If you'll just take this knife, Captain, and go over there and scrape a

bit of paint off that table.

You just took the word right out of my mouth.

Well? Well, don't you know what that is under that paint?

That's wood. Exactly.

Wood.

What

did

you do with that furniture?

Sat on it.

But it's gold. It was gold.

Gold.

So this is what that was all about.

Now, you listen to me, Brennan. I just had a call from Fort Knox, and not one

ounce of that gold is missing.

But it was all here. I saw it. I felt it.

This was gold. And this was gold. And this was gold. And this was gold. I tell

you, it was.

Of course it was.

I bet you think I'm crazy.

I'll bet you think you're not.

Come along, Brennan.

Captain, he did have a nasty blow on the head a little while ago.

If I might suggest a checkup?

And a nice long rest in the country?

Come along, brother.

Come along.

I'm sorry about you.

Long rest.

There goes my 110 -foot, twin -screw, double -diesel, ocean -going yacht.

My mansion in Bel -Air.

My own... metropolitan daily newspaper?

Oh, well, we wouldn't have been able to enjoy it anyway, even if your gadget

didn't work. But it didn't.

What? What about all the... We can thank the lieutenant for that.

Eager Beaver Brennan ordered his police sirens to such a high volume that they

added enough high -frequency vibration to, uh, shall we say, turn the table?