Original subtitles

Well, Connie, sweetheart, look.

Why don't you just see if you can't change that other commitment, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Well, the place I want to show you is really wild.

Nice, soft life.

Romantic music.

Food.

Well, all right, if you want to waste time eating.

All right, look.

Why don't you just see what you can do about it and then call me back, okay?

All right.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

So, you know, this is the most complicated gadget I've seen you work on

Why is it you Martians are so far ahead of us Earth people, scientifically?

Because we don't waste a lot of time talking nonsense on the telephone.

It's nothing but a camera.

Exactly. It's a futuroid camera, taken from the nose cone of my spaceship.

Well, I'm glad this is fixed.

I couldn't get more than a couple of hundred thousand miles towards Mars

it. Well, what is the point of taking snapshots of outer space?

Dear boy, these snapshots, as you call them, show what will be in the path of

the spaceship at some time in the future.

I've avoided some nasty collisions with this.

Now, just one second.

Do you mean to tell me that this camera can take a picture of something that's

going to happen in some future time?

Well, now, I wouldn't expect you to grasp the concept immediately.

You see, you earthlings think of time as a straight line.

Like a road, you walk down, passing objects or events at different

It isn't a straight line?

Oh, yes.

You're correct in thinking of time as a straight line.

But you think of space as a mass.

Actually, they are both straight lines and can be made to intersect at any

point.

Let me illustrate.

You sit there.

Now, first we set the space line to go directly through you.

Then we set the timeline for, say, 24 hours.

Say Uranus.

Uranus.

You know, if this shows me with a haircut, I'm going to be in an awful lot

trouble. The barbershops are closed tomorrow.

Uh -oh.

This looks serious.

Well, there is a shop open tomorrow in Anaheim.

Oh, yeah, I see me.

I don't know who the guy with the book is.

And the girl, I don't know.

Say, you know something?

This... This looks like a picture of... Exactly.

I believe you call it a wedding.

I'm not ready to get married yet.

I don't know any girls who are either.

Apparently, there's one who is.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Connie.

You can?

I can.

Well, you see, something's come up. I just can't make it.

I have a 24 -hour virus and I'm in the first hour.

What?

Yes, well, I'll call you as soon as I get well.

Right. Bye.

That was close.

And she's not the only one.

Tim, I advise complete isolation for the next 24 hours.

You take it.

Hello?

Oh, yes.

Yes, he's here. Just a moment.

No, no, no.

It's all right. It's your boss. It's a man. Here, take it. Oh, oh, oh. Hello?

Yeah, hello, Mr. Benson?

Well, yes, sir. I'll cover the story for him.

No, sir. I'm not doing anything tonight.

No, I have no date.

Nothing.

What?

Oh, yes, sir. Where is the assignment?

Mm -hmm.

The Kitten Club on the Strip.

All right, sir. I'll get right over there.

Fine. Thanks, Mr. Benson.

Bye now.

Yeah, oh, Mr.

Benson. Mr. Benson!

The kitten club.

On the strip.

That's that private key club where they... where they have all of those...

Girls. All beautiful.

Any one of whom could end up... Yeah.

And I've got to cover the opening.

See, the regular man's sick.

I was the only reporter the boss could get. Tim, I can't say that I'm surprised

at what this picture reveals.

You have an instinct for self -destruction rivaled only by that of the

Tim, Tim, you're supposed to be at the kitten club in 20 minutes. You better

hurry. Okay, okay. Tim, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why are you taking my shaving lotion?

Tim, when you're the fish, you are not required to bait the hook.

Shall we go?

We?

Well, you don't think I'm going to let you risk your freedom unprotected.

I will be your loyal cameraman.

Ah, if Matthew Brady and I had only had one of these at Gettysburg.

Do you really think you can save me? Well, I intend to try.

I shall take a futuramic photograph of every kitten at the kitten club.

before she so much as meows at you.

And if the picture shows that in the next 24 hours, one of them will be

next to you, we will avoid her like the plague.

Come along.

Good evening, gentlemen. I'm kitten Carolyn. May I show you to your table?

I'll take your hat, sir.

Just one moment, please.

Hold it.

Thank you.

Will you follow me? Just one minute, please.

Okay.

About that beach party tomorrow.

Better take a warm raincoat and some nice heavy socks.

Listen, I was just talking to the manager. They have 40 kittens here.

blondes, 12 brunettes, and 8 convertibles.

Jim, I've been studying your wedding picture through a high -powered

lens, and I found something that should help us zero in on Madame X.

She has a mole right in the middle of her back.

What? Well, let me see that.

Well, where's the magnifying lens?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, a mole, huh?

Well, that should simplify things.

All we have to do now is, uh...

Are you sure that's where the mole is?

However,

I have some ideas on the subject.

Well, you Martians aren't as naive as I thought.

May I warm up your coffee? If you would, please.

Would you mind turning around for a moment, please?

Sure.

It's a cute costume, isn't it? Yes, it certainly is.

It's cute, but it's a little drafty. I just feel the chill go up and down my

spine.

Bye.

Oh, I should have known. I keep forgetting about that levitation finger

yours. Well, as long as you've got that, this will be like playing Russian

roulette with a water pistol.

Well, I'd avoid overconfidence if I were you.

There's a very lethal pistol being aimed at you at this moment.

Oh, that is a whole arsenal.

It's Louise Babcock.

A friend of yours?

Well, I tried getting a date with her once, but absolutely no luck at all.

Good. That's one we don't have to worry about.

I don't suppose you know who that is.

Louise, why do I always have to be jealous to prove I love you?

You just don't care.

Sure I care, but I trust you.

I know what kind of upbringing you had and how strict your father is. Oh,

a great compliment for a girl. You trust me and my father, doesn't you?

Next time Tim O 'Hara asks me out for a date, I just might accept.

Do you have anything to say to that?

Yeah. Where do you want to eat tonight, Jimmy Chang's or Angelo's?

Neither.

Look, Martin, look. I think we ought to quit. I have enough material for a

story. And besides, we ought to give your levitating finger a rest.

Or it gets me into more trouble than I'm in now.

Well, it is beginning to feel the strain.

Some of those zippers are pretty rusty.

Do you know how?

I thought you were never going to speak to me. Hi, Louise.

Well, you see, I'm on an assignment I have a deadline to make.

Yes, and we'd better hurry. May I have my cap, please?

You haven't called me in weeks.

Well, every time I do, I can't get a date.

Why don't you try again?

Things may have changed.

Yes, and we'd better hurry.

May I have my cap, please?

Let him try first.

All right. How about, say, a week from tonight?

How about tonight?

Oh, well, given my assignment and all, I'll be working late. It just wouldn't

practical.

Well, if you get finished early, why don't you give me a call?

Oh, yes, yes, I'll do that. I'll make a note of that.

Uh, Tim?

Yes?

Now you don't have to make a note of it.

I'll get your hat.

How did you do that?

The finger is quicker than the eye.

Hold on, Kim.

Louise.

I suppose you're going to demand an explanation.

I sure am.

Why does it take you so long to decide between Jimmy Chang's and Angelo's?

Sam Evans, I don't even want to talk to you. Just launch yourself out of here.

But, Louise...

Checkroom,

kitten Louise.

Daddy, do you have to call me every night to check on me?

No, no one's gotten fresh.

No one's tried to grab my hand when I've given them their coat.

The biggest tip I've made so far has been 50 cents.

And I'll be home at the usual time.

No, I'm not seeing Sam tonight.

Listen, if he calls, give him this message.

Tell him I have a date with Tim O 'Hara. He's a newspaper man.

Daddy, I don't have time to talk. Goodbye.

Caroline, will you take over for me until my relief gets here?

I've got to get dressed and get out of here. Well, sure, hon. Big date?

Mm -hmm. I'm busy.

See you later.

Who was that?

Well, that was a messenger just to pick up my story. What are you doing?

I'm soaking my levitating finger in Epsom salts, and it feels a lot better

Well, you know, the evening wasn't half bad. I guess I danced with 40 girls. And

here I am, safe, sound, single.

Yes, here I am.

Aren't you going to ask me in?

Well, uh... Now, don't tell me you're still working on that story.

I passed the messenger on the way up.

Oh, the men... Well, you, uh, come in.

Would you excuse me for a minute? I think I left the radio on in the

Hello, Martin. Hello, Martin.

What am I going to do? Well, first we must find out if the enemy is using live

ammunition.

You mean the mole?

Exactly.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll just dance her by the door like I did the girls at the club.

Yeah.

Buttons.

We'd only caught her when she entered in her kitten costume.

Damn, she brought a hat box, didn't she?

We'll see if her kitten outfit is in there

How do we get the kitten in the costume?

Sometimes I wonder how you Earth people got the wheel rolling.

Tim, you are an artist.

I am.

And you certainly wouldn't think of sketching her in that dress when she has

interesting costume with a zipper in the back.

Oh.

You can come in.

Yes. Now, if you don't mind standing right over here with your back to the

You're not going home. You're going to Tijuana and get married.

Tonight.

Oh, boy.

He is just waiting for Man Mountain Jr.

to get that car gassed up and then get some clothes for Louise to get married

in. And then away we go.

What do you propose to do?

Well, let's get out of here.

Out of window, over the roof, anything.

May I remind you that the futuroid camera is never wrong.

Occasionally out of focus, but never wrong.

Besides, there's another brother down there.

Well, that's just great.

What am I supposed to do? Just waltz down a tier one and get married?

Well, I don't want to get married. And I don't think Louise does either. At

least not to you.

While you were sketching her, I took the liberty of monitoring her thoughts.

The name Sam Evans kept coming up.

Her boyfriend. I would assume so.

She seems to be intent on doing something that will shock him into being

of her. Oh.

Well, marrying me will shock him, all right.

She's obviously in love with him. And the thing for us to do is to get the two

of them together as soon as possible.

But what about Babcock and that other brother downstairs?

Well, what they can't see can't hurt us.

Don't leave me.

Fear not, my boy. I shall be at your side till the end of this adventure,

if that should be at the altar.

Okay.

What are you up to?

Oh, just trying to get a little cross -ventilation in the room.

Well, if you want cross -ventilation in here, you have to open the front door.

When did that happen?

Well, did you get the car gassed up?

Got the dress, too, huh? I don't think I've seen that one before.

I did.

It has a low back on it, hasn't it, Louise?

How did you know that?

Well, let's just say I saw it on candid camera.

I didn't see you get in.

Hey, you're Sam Evans, aren't you?

You go with that hat -check girl in the club.

Yeah.

How'd you know? Oh, a fellow mentioned it when he was telling me about Tim O

'Hara.

What about Tim O 'Hara?

Well, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it, but this fellow was saying that they

were together tonight in O 'Hara's apartment.

Oh, that's where she went.

She's mad at me.

You really trust this girl, don't you? Sure. She's a good girl.

Would you trust her all the way to Tijuana, Mexico?

How far is Tijuana?

About 110 miles.

Oh, sure.

Last summer she went all the way to the Grand Canyon with her girlfriend. I

trusted her then.

What if I told you that they went to Tijuana to get married?

Would you still trust her?

Sure, they went to see the bullfight. That's what happened.

At this time of night?

Oh, well.

Forget it.

Where do you want to go, mister?

Well, I'm not sure what good it'll do, but you'd better take me to Tijuana,

Mexico. Yes, sir.

Boy, I hope she had dinner.

Who? Where? Louise. Watch his names apart.

She gets very hungry after work.

Well, they didn't have much time to eat.

He was, uh, sketching her.

He was what?

Sketching her.

There's only one thing worse than a newspaper man. That's an artist.

He wasn't sketching her in, uh... Without, uh...

Let's just say her father wouldn't approve of the way she was dressed.

I'm sure glad you're going to Tijuana.

I'm going to look that Tim O 'Hara up and give him what he deserves.

Good for you, Sam.

The minute I let you off, I'm going straight to the bullfights.

Bien. The papers are in order.

Now, what kind of a marriage do you desire?

There is a $50 marriage and a $10 marriage.

Well, what's the $10 marriage like?

Oh, senor.

Many people, they say to me, Miss Gonzalez, why you have never married?

And I always tell them, it's because I have seen too many $10 marriages.

All right, we'll take the $50 marriage, but let's get on with it.

Muy bien, senor.

Who's doing the paying?

I am.

Now,

will you step inside and complete arrangements with George Gonzalez?

Of course.

Oh, just call me in case this fellow tries anything.

Oh, okay.

By the way, if at any time in the future you should want a divorce, please do

not forget us, huh?

We give a generous discount to repeat customers.

I'll take one.

Coast is clear.

Oh, am I glad to see... Get her!

Sam, you're jealous. You really do love me. No.

Señor, may I give you a business card? We also defend assault cases.

They're ready for the bride and groom.

Let's make a break for it.

It'll never work, Tim. Why?

The futuroid picture, remember? Go on in. I'll think of something.

Oh, you better.

Well, uh... Come on, Louise.

Well, I guess it's all right if her father's in there.

I don't know what goes on here.

My dear Miss Gonzalez.

I was just about to explain the entire matter.

Now, first of all... He

doesn't understand much English.

Except when I paid him for that $50 wedding, he understood that real good.

For the delay, I make a little mistake on the document.

Estamos en esta reunión para unir a esta pareja en el sacramento de matrimonio

with the $50 wedding.

Y por la autoridad depositada en mí, los pronuncio man and wife.

First pretty wedding.

What's the matter, son?

You're not saying anything.

What's your first words as a married man?

Help!

Now, that's not the right attitude, son.

Now's the time for the groom to kiss the bride.

Si, but first the groom must come into the room.

What are you talking about? He's the groom.

Oh, no.

He is only the proxy.

Si, proxy. The groom is somewhere else.

What is this? Some kind of trick?

No trick at all, Mr. Babcock.

Perfectly legal.

Let me introduce the groom.

Sam, we're married!

Uncle Martin, if they're married, what am I?

Tim, my boy, you are a proxy. A stand -in.

Miss Gonzalez very kindly pointed out that there is a $75 wedding in which the

groom does not have to be present.

I was glad to pay the difference.

This is the first proxy wedding we ever had where the groom was so close by.

Usually they're heading for the border.

I'm sorry about this, Mr. Babcock. I hope you don't mind a switch in son -in

-laws. No.

Louise seems to like that one better.

And I think I do, too.

That one looks smarter.

Yeah, well, I feel like a celebration.

How about you people?

If you don't mind, Louise and I would like to be excused. Oh, sure, Sam. We

understand.

It's getting kind of late, and we want to get up early tomorrow to get good

seats for the bullfights.

I want something to remember this by.

Thank you.

Well, what did you set it for? One year from now. And the verdict?

Twins.