Original subtitles

Say, Uncle Martin, when are you going to stop wasting time with that time

machine gizmo of yours and start working on something, well, useful?

Like build -in radar so you can tell from which direction a grapefruit's

to squirt.

When are you going to stop referring to every scientific achievement as a gizmo,

a gimmick, or a doohickey?

The proper nomenclature is a cathode -ray centrifugal time breakoscope.

Now, would you mind finishing the grapefruit at the dinner table?

Or else fetch me an umbrella.

Sorry.

Say, do you really think that that's centrifugal? That's centrifugal?

Thanks. Do you think that's going to get you back home? I'm sure of it.

Once I can lick the fine -tuning problem and set myself for the exact time prior

to the crash, I can correct the malfunction of my ship and fly back to

Well, it just occurred to me that if you alter time so that you were never here,

I won't be able to remember you. Please, Tim, spare me the sentimentality.

The weakest part of a Martian's anatomy is his tear ducts.

We cry a lot.

Yoo -hoo, Martin, it's me, Laura Lee.

Laura Lee, what a pleasant surprise. You've made my day.

And ruined my night.

Meaning, Detective Brennan, it was.

Until Laura Lee insisted we drop up here to see you.

Well, well.

What time -saving device hath the Thomas Edison of Cucamonga wrought today?

Don't tell me.

It's an alarm clock that doesn't ring.

For late risers who don't have jobs.

Oh, my, what a wonderful idea.

Oh, that'd be a perfect gift for my brother -in -law next Christmas.

Anyway, Bill and I are going to the movies, and we thought maybe you'd like

join us.

Thank you, Loralee, but I'm afraid I have a lot of work to do. Well, things

looking brighter again.

Shall we go, Loralee?

Ta -da!

Oh, don't forget to put away your tinker toy before you get into your jammies.

That Brennan.

If it weren't for one thing, I'd break him in half.

What thing?

I'd be stuck with two of him.

What happened?

The CCTVS.

Brennan must have flipped the delayed action switch.

How about these clothes?

Where do we get these clothes?

Well, when the CCTVS throws us back in time, it converts our clothes to the

locale and era.

We're, uh, we're not in West Mars, are we?

I strongly doubt it.

West Mars does not include a city named St. Louis.

St. Louis?

Oh, that's not St. Louis. I know. I've been there plenty of times.

In 1849?

Well, I still don't understand.

Do you mean to tell me that your time machine threw us all the way back to

All right. Why St. Louis, of all places?

The dials just happened to be on those points when Brennan activated the

action switch.

Oh. Well, being as I don't know anybody in town, especially in the year 1849,

would you mind flicking whatever switches have to be flicked? And we'll

right on back to Los Angeles.

The CCTVX?

I don't see it around anywhere. Of course you don't see it around anywhere.

The machine went back in 1849 time as well.

But as neither of us was holding it, it remained in its same locale in Mrs.

Brown's house in California.

Well, thank goodness it's safe.

It isn't.

Mrs. Brown's house is not to be built for another hundred years.

Do you mean that that machine is out in the middle of that... That undeveloped

land.

Exposed to the elements and who knows what.

Well, what are we waiting for? Come on, let's go get it. Come back here. Come

back here.

There's 2 ,000 miles to go.

And wagon trains west don't leave every 15 minutes.

The riverboat to St. Joe leaves at 6.

St. Joe?

It's one of the jumping -off spots, the wagons going west on the Santa Fe Trail.

I've already worked out where we will probably... What's this?

These are nine -course meals for the sum total of ten cents each. You know

something? Every time we eat out, we ought to come back here at these prices

can't afford not to.

See you around, my good man, and keep the change. Tim, wait. Tim, you

have done that.

Oh, come on. Let's not quibble about the tab, Uncle Martin.

I know a nickel may be over -tipping, but... I'm not referring to your

nature, but merely to the currency with which you paid the waiter. Why? What's

wrong with it? It's counterfeit, that's what.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

It's a buffalo nickel and two perfectly good Roosevelt dimes.

I've seen a buffalo before, but what's a Roosevelt?

Looks like...

Brennan.

I can't believe it.

Now, how'd he get here?

Not Brennan, Tim.

Brennan's great -grandfather.

I recall Detective Brennan remarking that there was a lawman in his family as

long as he could remember.

But I never thought to rue the day I'd meet up with another one of them.

Well, now rue this.

Look, it's 5 .30. That riverboat's going to leave at 6 o 'clock.

A fact I'm well aware of, thank you.

And I suggest that you remove that wristwatch.

Why? They aren't to become an innovation for some time yet.

You know, it's lucky we weren't thrown further back in time.

I'd have a very hard time wearing a sundial.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to levitate the keys out of his pocket.

But he's sitting on them.

I'm afraid we're going to have to take more drastic measures to break out.

For a little practical ventriloquism.

Okay, Marshal.

Hands up.

the keys to the cell and let my buddies out hurry

up don't try any funny stuff

I mean, there she goes. We're too late. Look.

Instantly remedied, I assure you.

Now, let's see. The fare in those days was something like one cent a mile.

That would be three dollars a head to St. Joe. How much money have you got?

Four bucks.

Excellent. You're the only one who will need fare.

I'm not going back into the clink. Not for using this kind of money again.

Just hold out your hand.

Hold it out.

That's it.

All it needed was some slight re -engraving.

The western branch of the Carson City Bank.

Won't this sort of foul up their books?

Well, the news hasn't reached here yet, but history has it the bank burned down

yesterday. All the books were destroyed.

Now, for goodness sakes, my finger's beginning to ache. Now, will you get on

board? And where will you be?

Right behind you, as always. What?

We're still not breaking any speed records.

On the contrary.

I think their means of transportation has improved a great deal since my last

trip on the Missouri.

Your last trip? With Lewis and Clark in 1804. All we had then was a canoe.

know what you're talking about, young man. My name is Glutz.

Glutz.

Laura Lee Glutz.

In time to come, the great -grandmother of Mrs. Brown.

Oh, dear, he was chasing after the man who robbed me.

If you hadn't stopped him, you'd have probably caught him. Oh, dear, what am I

going to do now?

Fear not, dear lady.

My nephew and I will try to find the culprit for you.

Oh.

Well, you've really done it this time.

With Laura Lee's dowry... she'll never be able to go west, meet the man she's

supposed to marry, and eventually produce a daughter, who in turn will

Laura Lee as we know her. Well, now, wait a minute.

Do you mean that when we get back, there won't be any Mrs. Brown?

Nor a Mrs. Brown's house, nor a garage housing my spaceship.

That is, unless we get Laura Lee Glutzy's money back for it.

Don't try to cause us any trouble, Pete.

Well, it could be.

Only I think we can cause them some trouble first. You mean we're going to

them, Pete? No, don't need to.

Those are two guys the marshal locked up over there in St. Louis. They must have

broke out of the jail there.

Now, what we got to do is be law -abiding citizens.

Tell the captain, let the law do the rest for us. Oh, that's a funny one,

You and me, law -abiding citizens.

Well, have you had any good criminal minds lately?

Nothing more than a little bit of larceny most earthlings have in them.

Hey, how about him? He looks pretty shifty -eyed, huh?

A fine thing to say about the man who's due to become your 15th president.

Buchanan?

Runaway convicts, eh?

Well, we'll throw him in the brick till we get to St. Joe.

If my mind doesn't deceive me, we're about to be arrested in place of the

men we've been looking for.

Well,

just don't stand there waiting to serve them coffee. Let's go. Go? Go where?

Over the side.

You know something, Uncle Martin?

You can get us into more hot water than a flow -through teabag.

Don't start writing your memoirs just yet, Tim.

We've still got quite a few chapters to go yet.

Until we can get to St. Joe and get Laura Lee Glutz's money back for us, we

can't even begin to think of our own problems. Would you mind telling me just

how you plan on getting to St. Joe? I mean, swimming the English Channel,

one thing. But swimming the Missouri River?

Lathe -wise?

That's something else.

Jim, I had no intention of using hands and feet to propel us to our

When a finger can do the job for us.

Hmm.

Now, let me see that.

That one there, that looks good. That should do the job.

Shades of Paul Bunyan.

Don't knock yourself out, Tim.

You're just paddling for show.

But how do you know that Laura Lee Brown, or Glutz, or whatever her name

still in St. Joe? Well, I doubt that she could be anywhere else without any

money.

Oh, uh, I beg your pardon, sir, but I was looking for a young lady. Blonde.

Five foot four. Quite attractive.

Her name is Glutz. Laura Lee Glutz.

You seen anything of her?

I don't suppose you have any idea where she might be.

Where?

A saloon?

Which one?

Oh.

Big Jim's gold nugget?

Our two friends from the boat seem to be working for Big Jim.

Yeah.

If you think that's something, look.

So is Marley.

Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me.

I come from Alabama when my banter want my knee.

I had a dream the other night when everything was dill. I dreamed I saw

coming down the hill.

A red, red, red...

She's working as a danceholder.

Obviously trying to earn passage money west.

Looks like a reunion night.

Brennan, you must have caught the next riverboat. Well, that's just great. We

need him around here like Custer needed more Indians.

Two red eyes, please. Red eyes?

It's a drink.

Quite strong.

But we'll need it if I'm to accomplish what I have to.

What?

speeded up the follicle growth process by stimulating the metabolic and

adrenaline systems.

You know something, Carl Martin?

If you could be bottled, you'd ruin the toupee industry in a week.

Save the pat on the back for later.

We've still got to get Laura Lee out of here on the next wagon train.

There won't be another one leaving for weeks.

Yep.

Laura Lee, you're a high -quality lady, and you know, you're driving me to

destruction.

Oh, I couldn't do that, Mr. McCloud. I don't even know my way around St. Joe.

Oh, Laura Lee, you don't want to go out west.

Stay here and be my woman.

This is going to be a big town someday, and I'll own it all.

I do most of it now.

I've got to move faster than that line he's giving her. Just anything you want,

Laura Lee.

Just name it and it's yours.

There's my opening.

Now for a little subliminal hypnosis.

And advance on my $4 salary.

I want to play poker.

Poker? Poker?

Tim, this is no time to play Little Sir Echo.

What better poetic justice than for Laura Lee to get her money back in a

card game and from the very men who robbed her?

Well, let's just say you missed by a whisker.

Oh, you didn't expect that brush in your lip to fool us, did you?

Well, I got to get back to the game.

Red, fetch the Marshal.

The Marshal?

Now, wait a minute, gentlemen.

Perhaps we can talk this thing over.

Sorry, pal.

The only thing that talks is money.

Yeah.

And I could hear that that is not a reward for you two calling me right now.

Okay, Uncle Martin.

Come on. Now just wave that magic finger of yours and get us out of here. Come

on.

It's no use, Tim. They've got my hands tied in such a way I can't get my finger

free.

Well, that's just great.

Now what are we going to do?

Well, let me think.

Hmm.

I wonder if it would work.

What? My nose. I saw it done on your television once.

Well, it's worth a try.

Here. Aim your ropes at my nose.

At your nose? Yes, aim your ropes at my nose. Do it.

That is one of the wildest things

I've ever seen. Tim, I'll never knock your earthly television programs again.

Come on, let's go.

I'll bet a dollar.

Tell Red I'll be in my office.

Uncle Martin, without the mustaches, we'll be recognized.

I can't help it.

The follicles can only be revitalized once in 24 hours.

We'll just have to chance it.

Well, I guess we lose.

On the contrary, everybody wins.

Oh, four aces!

Wait a minute, I've got four aces.

I've got four aces.

Hey, if you all had four aces, who had the next highest card?

Here's your money, dear lady. Before anything else happens to it or to you,

your wagon and supplies and sign up with the train. Oh, I couldn't take this. I

thought we were just playing for fun.

Miss Glutz, please, please, take it. Take it and remember a quote I'm about

turn into a cliche.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Well,

I'm glad that's off our minds.

Will Marshall Brennan get his prisoners back to the St. Louis jail?

Will Martin allow himself to be taken prisoner?

Will he and Tim find the CCTVS in time to return to the present?

And will I ever get to California and have a family and children and

grandchildren? Will you be watching next week to see what happens to your

favorite Martian?