Original subtitles

Hi, I'm back.

I, uh, hope you don't mind scrambled eggs for lunch. I dropped one of the

cartons as I was getting out of the car.

Jim, the dexterity of your fingers is surpassed only by that of a seal trying

crochet with his flippers.

Well, thanks for the compliment.

I see that you are the same insufferable self you've been for the past few days.

What'd you do, blow a fuse in your gizmo?

Please, do not refer to the CCTBS as a gizmo. I'm sorry.

What is a CCTBS?

The Cathode Ray Centrifugal Time Breaker Scope.

You mean that this thing can break the time barrier?

If I can build up enough centrifugal force, yes.

You see, Tim, I now know exactly what went wrong with my spaceship over

before I crashed.

England? You crashed here, remember? I found you.

Of course.

But at the rate of speed I was traveling, I started my crash there and

here.

positioning the geographic locator to place me exactly where I was, and

time back to moments before the malfunction occurred, I can make the

repairs, avert the crash, and fly home to Mars.

Which would make you the little man who was never here.

Exactly. With a few more minor adjustments, I should be able to leave

Tomorrow?

I was...

So I hope you stick around for a little while.

Yes, yes. Well, we'll have time for goodbyes later.

Right now, every moment counts.

Hey, the first thing you better do is fix this machine.

Yeah, it's not 12, it's 1215.

No, no, no, Tim. Tim, don't touch it.

What happened?

Where are we?

England.

England? When you reset my clock to what you believed was 1215, you sent us back

to merry old England, and I do mean old. Take a look in that courtyard.

We are in the year 1215

A .D.

Are in the 13th century?

Yes. You're kidding me.

You're putting me on.

Not at all.

Holy Toledo.

Well, don't just stand there. Do something. Fix your clock.

Get us back.

An excellent thought.

Only I'm afraid you can't resolve the breaking of time as easily as you can

broken eggs.

Which, incidentally, you couldn't have scrambled any better than you did my

CCTVS.

Broken? An understatement compared only to Columbus saying...

I think I found something.

We'll have to check into the inn and make major repairs.

No, no, no, no, Tim.

Not the way we're dressed.

If we ever tried to explain the predicament we're in, we'd undoubtedly

record for witch burning.

Well, you better have the address of a good medieval tailor.

I mean, let's face it. We left in such a hurry, I just didn't have time to pack

the right clothes.

In fact, I can remedy more easily than my CCTVS, I assure you.

Now, come over here, Tim.

Get behind those shrubs, take off your clothes, and place them in a pile on the

ground. You're a kitty.

Ah, we thank thee.

As a matter of fact, we find the rooms most sufficienty.

Well, I didn't expect the presidential suite, but this place is furnished in

early nothing.

Yes, the people of this era, perhaps.

But in the 20th century, Tim, each article would be an antique dealer's

Hey.

Hey!

I never thought of that.

Uncle Martin, I have a great idea.

While you're fixing that machine, why don't I load up with some of this junk?

We could take it back with us. We could become the Frank Fox of the furniture

world, the bring -em -back -unscratched -darlings -of -the -interior -decorator

set.

You forget we are intruders in this era of time, Tim.

We must not upset history one iota, even by removing a piece of its furniture,

no less getting involved in the events of the past.

Oh, great.

Well, you make it harder for a guy to earn a dollar than the Bureau of

Revenue. Don't you want to just take back one souvenir when we get back?

Assuming we're able to get back.

Every one of the circuits of the CCTVS have been shorted, not to mention burned

wires, condensers, and whatnot.

Well, can't you replace them? I mean, you are the electronic whiz kid.

And just where would you suggest I get the replacement parts in 1215 A .D.? Our

only chance is to try to rebuild one of the circuits from the remnant parts of

the others.

Give me that knife over there, will you?

Well,

I know it's not much, but all I can offer is my moral support.

Ah, there we are.

Think it'll work?

Well, I'm afraid we're only going to have one opportunity to find out.

I've got the AQ -12 circuit patched up, and if the patch holds, we'll depart

exactly at midnight.

And if it doesn't? No, no.

No, never mind.

I don't think I want to know.

What in the name of Neptune are you yelling about? Well, take a look for

yourself. The big guy's picking on the little one. If someone doesn't help him,

he's a dead duck.

Pam! Pam, come back!

when you did.

I'd hate to think of where I'd be right now. From the way his sword was about to

come down on you, I'd say that part of you would be here and the other part of

you would be over there somewhere.

I couldn't let Gargantua clobber the little fella.

Hey, where'd he go?

Well, at the speed with which he departed, I'd say he's somewhere near

now. Unfortunately, if you hadn't interfered, he would have beaten off his

attacker, completed his mission, and history would have been spared this

disturbance. His mission?

To deliver this.

to the Archbishop of Canterbury at Runnymede.

Yikes. It's the Magna Carta.

Mm -hmm.

One of the most important instruments of constitutional English history.

It guarantees the English people their rights, freedom of religion, and trial

a jury of their peers.

But why were they fighting over it? If you recall your history, the English

barons, led by the Archbishop of Canterbury...

are demanding the signature of King John, who prefers that the Magna Carta

didn't exist.

Oh, I get it. And Junior Giant over here works for the King.

I'm afraid it's up to us now to deliver it to the Archbishop.

Or not only will the history of England be changed, but that of the whole world.

A very noble and heroic deed, my man, coming to the aid of that little fellow

who was being bullied. I witnessed it all from my window.

Thank you, milady. Permit me to introduce myself.

The Duchess of Brimstone.

Ah, your ladyship.

Martin,

a humble sorcerer. And my apprentice, Timothy.

Ah, a wizard.

Then perhaps you can conjure up the cause of such a happening.

Oh, well, you see, King Kong over here... I mean, the big fella. Well, he

trying to... Throw his weight around, so to speak, milady.

The parchment, it had nothing to do with him?

No, my lady, not a thing. It belongs to me. It contains the formula for certain

powers. Well, your heroism should not go unrewarded. Please be my guest at

supper tonight.

A great honor, I assure you. However... Nay, I should not brook with any excuses

at supper then.

King shall have your head for botching this up. But Duchess, it wasn't my

A stranger?

Agents of the Archbishop, posing as sorcerer and apprentice.

Both half your size at that.

Fortunately for us, they are still here and have the parchment with them.

I'll lop off their heads.

First, Basil, we must get the parchment and destroy it.

Then, do as you will with them.

I have arranged to entertain them at supper tonight.

While I do, you shall slip into their room and destroy the Magna Carta.

Suppose they don't stay put at the supper table.

This pellet in the older one's wine will take care of him.

I shall take care of the younger one myself.

And this time, Basil, we dare not fail.

Or the king will have both our heads.

be considered ill -mannered to eat and run.

But if we are to accomplish our mission and make the midnight ride back to the

20th century, time is of the essence.

Milady? Gentlemen, sorcerer on my left, your apprentice on my right.

What an oaf is here. I seem to have forgotten something in my room.

With your ladyship's leave... Of course, but first, a toast to the king.

Shortly, milady, I must to my room. You wouldn't place a humble sorcerer's needs

above a toast to his gracious majesty, would you?

To his majesty.

Long live the king.

Master, oh, whiz of wizards.

Martin.

Marty. Your master doesn't seem to be able to hold his wine too well. Yes, my

lady, I think best I take him back to our quarters.

And miss a delicious supper. And a night with a full moon.

A fool, you seem not.

Well, I, uh... I can't, my lady.

Forget my title.

Think of me as just an average woman.

Your average.

I've been dating boys all this time.

All

has

been done, my lady. Good.

We'll bring the news to King John immediately.

Now, go fetch the horses.

Duchess?

Duchess. Your ladyship.

Uncle Martin?

Where'd everybody go?

What are you doing in there?

Better yet, how did you get in there?

The Duchess drugged my wine.

It would have poisoned a human.

However, on me, it altered my metabolic system and, as you can see, shrank me.

When I came to, I found I had fallen into the drink, so to speak.

due to the drug and you by the ladies' wiles, Basil sneaked up to our room and

burned the Magna Carta.

I don't know when.

I think I need an aspirin and a glass of water.

Understandably so, but would you mind using another goblet?

This one's occupied right now.

Tim,

I do wish you wouldn't stare at me.

if I were some sort of sideshow freak.

Well, let's face it.

Up to now, you haven't been the easiest person to explain.

And now, in this, uh, best pocket Martian edition, you're not going to be

easier. Tim, I have no intention of remaining an intergalaxial Tom Thumb.

Just as soon as we get to Runnymede, I shall get the antidote that will return

me to size.

Runnymede? You mean you still intend to go there?

We haven't much choice.

The Duchess is there with King John, laughing at us right now.

And the only thing that will bring me back to size is the exact same drug that

shrank me.

Besides, we still have to deliver the Magna Carta, remember?

Uncle Martin, you have an ingenious mechanical mind. But right now, I think

of your screws is loose.

The Magna Carta was burned to a crisp, remember?

Now, don't tell me you intend to unburn it? Under normal circumstances, I could

revitalize the carbons and reconstruct the molecules.

However, in my present state, I don't have enough power.

Then just what do you intend to deliver in his place an extremely reasonable

facsimile? Grab a quill Tim and get some of that parchment out of the drawer

For goodness sake, Pam, stop worrying about me and find the king's chamber. Or

we'll both have something to worry about.

Look, why don't we just give it to the archbishop and let him get it signed?

Simply because once you upset the course of history, who knows what waves the

splash may have caused.

We'll have to see it through now ourselves.

Excellent, my dear Duchess.

You have fulfilled your mission well. Thank you, my Lord King.

Now, all that is left is to do away with the Archbishop.

The Archbishop?

Oh, nay, nay, nay.

The lives of men mean naught to me, but... The wrath of the heavens.

But, sire, he is the leader of the rebellious barons, the champion of

for the people.

He must be rid of if we...

I mean if your majesty is to retain all the powers so rightly his.

My dear, you're even a greater scoundrel than I without a single redeeming

virtue.

Thank you, your majesty. I've had an excellent tutor, your majesty.

After supper, I shall consult with my sorcerer and ensure that the omens are

with us.

Boy. If that's being born to the purple, I'd rather have Viraco's veins.

Don't blame the entire royal family, Tim.

Many a family tree needs trimming.

Quickly now, slip me under the door.

Under the door?

You mean like a telegram?

Almost. John may be a tyrant, but he's a superstitious man, and I'm about to

deliver him some bad news.

What about me? Just stay out here and keep out of trouble, hmm?

Easy.

Careful.

A meal fit for a king, your majesty.

Too bad you don't behave like one.

You spoke, your majesty?

Not I.

It's a drumstick.

A drumstick spoke?

Oh, an ill omen, I'm sure of it.

No doubt due to our planning to murder the... Do away with the archbishop.

Nonsense, your majesty. Your mind is playing tricks.

The tension in the last few days has been great.

Some more wine will calm you.

Careful, Your Majesty.

The wine she serves may contain something to get rid of you, as well as

Archbishop.

No wine!

Why not?

Do not think me a complete and utter fool.

Your ambitions are not so easily cloaked as your figure.

Your Majesty, surely you don't think... Most surely I do think so.

You were not satisfied with the gifts and the powers that I lavished upon you.

Now you seek to murder me.

Sire, that is not so.

Then why do you still carry the poison pellets in your purse?

Who said that?

The jumpstick.

What's the difference?

Alice will have to go back. I killed a sorcerer at the inn. That's impossible.

I'm here.

They're trying to kill a sorcerer. You have only one way to rid yourself of the

curse, Your Majesty.

Sign the Magna Carta and all will be right in your reign. But the Magna

been destroyed.

Not when in the hands of a sorcerer.

Tim!

You're back.

Spare the welcome home, Tim.

Time and tide wait for no Martian and friends.

Pay no attention to him. Don't sign it.

Your Majesty?

I can't let you do it! My power, yours!

It will fall to the people!

Basil! Basil!

Come quickly! Come quickly! How dare you!

Uh -oh. Here comes that ho -ho -ho again.

I'll leave it up to you to keep him occupied, Jim. I've got to make the king

sign.

Opportunity knocks but once. That is an opportunity knocking. That's my knees.

Ma 'am, where is he?

Where is he?

Oh, Martin.

You asked for it.

I only wish I could give it to you.

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty, I beg you, don't sign it. Silence. Don't sign it, Your Majesty.

Oh, Your Majesty.

I have signed it.

I have signed the Magna Carta. water.

showed him, huh?

All he really needs now is a little sticker that says, don't open till

Christmas.

The Archbishop is coming.

Well, Tim, I think half our job is just about done.

And half of our job is just about well done. Take a look. Begin.

It's on fire.

Your Grace, here you are with our compliments.

If we ever get back, I'll never complain about Los Angeles smog again.

Well, we better find my CCTVS before midnight, or we're both ancient history.

Tim! Tim! Tim, I found it. There it is. Quick.

Quick, give me your hand. Give me my hand? I can't even find it myself.

Quickly, Tim. Quickly.

Hands of the clock are straight up.

Touchdown. Here goes.

But I'm afraid the CCTVS didn't.

It's completely melted away.

Sorry, Uncle Martin. It's all my fault.

I got you in this mess in the first place. Now you almost busted up history.

And listen, if you hadn't written a new magnet car, then... Don't berate

yourself, Tim.

Eventually, I'll build another CCTVS.

And besides, I enjoyed the little job I did.

As a brilliant scholar once said, anyone can make history.

It takes a great man to rewrite it.

whose quote is that? mine I often quote myself it usually adds something to the

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