Original subtitles

Well, look, if you're trying to decide if we should have last night's spaghetti

for dinner tonight, forget it. I eat it for breakfast.

Tim, I'm getting the most disturbing vibrations.

They seem to be coming from your left hand.

Well, the only thing I have in my left hand is this afternoon's paper and a

from last month's car payment, which is going to give me some very disturbing

vibrations if I don't come up with some of that green stuff.

Something in the newspaper on page 15.

15?

No? Nothing here but a bunch of ads.

There's one small article about a Mexican sheepherder who found an old

chest. There's some Aztec writing on it. It was near some town called...

Xopacachaca... Xochapachatica.

Montezuma, the tablet.

Well, let's hope I can get there before they open that chest. Oh, you've got to

be kidding. Now, you're going to try and tell me these are going to traipse all

the way down to Mexico because they dug up some broken -down box and... Cam,

do you have any idea what they're going to find in that chest?

How should I know? I wasn't there when they buried it. I was.

And I'm sorry to say that one of the items in that chest is a stone tablet

commemorating my arrival from Mars and my fortnight's stay at the court of

Montezuma, including a perfect likeness of me chiseled in stone.

I don't think I'll ever get used to the idea that on Mars, anyone under 1 ,000

years old is still considered a teenager.

Don't bother driving me to the airport. I'll catch a cab.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Plane tickets cost an awful lot of money, and right now our piggy bank

making any rattle. I know, but this is an emergency.

I don't think a prosperous airline would mind carrying an extra passenger.

Especially if they don't know they're carrying him.

Well, Uncle Martin, look. Without me, you are bound to get into some kind of

trouble. I'm going to go with you.

I appreciate the gesture, Tim.

But you can't make yourself invisible. And you said yourself, our piggy bank is

rather anemic.

Sure. But the one at the newspaper office is bursting with good health.

All I have to do is a little fast talking.

Just con our editor into sending me down to Mexico to do a follow -up story in

that Aztec chest.

Now, look. I'll pack a little bag. Don't you move. I'll be back before you can

say, Juan Robinson.

Well, I can't say I approve of the deception.

But when they serve dinner on the plane, be sure to order second.

Traveling always sharpens my appetite.

Pepe, Jose, Pablo, Manuel, Lopez have been happy to serve you. Oh, well, I

this will be enough for the five of you.

They're not making cars the way they used to.

About that old Aztec chest that was dug up?

You, uh, you haven't opened it, I hope.

Oh, not until the fiesta tomorrow.

Right now, the box she is sitting in the office of the chief of police.

You see, this chest, she is very important to us of Aztec ancestry,

We are all hopeful that in the box we will find Quetzalcoatl, the bird god of

good fortune.

Let's hope that's all you find.

Oh, senor, if you are staying in Xochipachateca long, there is only one

hotel.

The Palacio de Aztecas.

Adios. Adios.

Uncle Martin, we've got to get into that chest somehow.

Uncle Martin?

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin. Where are you?

Uncle Martin?

How can you think of food at a time like this?

Because I'm almost starved.

Even though you couldn't talk the hostess into giving you an extra filet

the least you could have done was to have shared your dessert with me.

Now, now.

Let's do a little reconnoitering. I want to see if that chest they dug up is the

one that has my tablet in.

I thought you came down here to keep your eyes on me.

Si.

When Juan Gonzalez, he find the box, he do not take him to the mayor, who is a

man of small potatoes.

But to me, Carlos Dominguez, who she is mucho more importante.

I'll bet she is.

I mean, I'll bet you are.

I don't suppose that the, um, the chest is around here anywhere.

No, this is a small town, senor.

But the police force... She is most efficient.

Look.

Here. Magnifying glass for the finger... Pardon.

Finger prints.

Test tubes for the chemical test.

Handcuffs. I sent for all the way to Guadalajara.

Yes, well, um...

Thank you very much for the interview. I certainly appreciate it. I can see with

all this marvelous, marvelous equipment you have here, the, well, the law

enforcement must be marvelous.

Oh, everybody here, sir, is very, how you say, honest.

That is probably why my detective methods are so effective.

Yes, well, thank you very much, senor.

Hey, hey, hey.

Chief.

Chief.

Buenas tardes.

Welcome to the Palacio de Azteca.

Aren't you the cab driver that brought us... brought me in from the airport?

one that recommended this hotel?

Si. Pepe Jose Pablo Manuel Lopez.

The best cab driver in all Mexico.

Also the best innkeeper in all Mexico.

Also the best mayor in all Mexico.

Also the best drummer -upper of business in all Mexico.

Oh, my Uncle Martin.

Ah, do they not come together from the airport?

Well, we, um, you see, we fly together, but we never ride in the same cab.

A family tradition.

Señor Mayor, my nephew is writing an article about your hard -working city

officials. Would you happen to know what hours they keep?

Say, like your chief of police?

Carlos Dominguez, hard working?

He needs to laugh.

He leave the office pronto, four o 'clock every day.

Except this week.

Since the Aztec box, she has found the jefe stay in his office day and night to

guard it.

He does not like to do this, but I, the mayor, give the orders.

Senor O 'Hara, if you wish a dinner most delicious, you must try the Cantina de

las Flores.

Magnifico.

Well, that tears it. Look, how are we going to get to that box if that chief

guarding it all night?

All night.

Except for 15 minutes between 7 .45 and 8 when he eats at the Cantina de las

Flores.

Hey, it's 7 .40. Shouldn't we be at the police station instead of here?

I want to be sure the chief is here before we leave.

You know, I don't know how you do it.

You toss out those chili peppers like they're ladyfingers.

Water.

Water. Water.

That's fine, thank you.

That's good.

Senor Lopez.

You, uh, you run this place too?

Naturally. I am also the best chef in all Mexico.

You're not a bad one -man fire brigade either.

Oh, you can put that away.

I'm used to these.

Gracias.

I'll never forget the time.

that I saw Montezuma eat 20 of these at one sitting.

He almost...

Hey,

you were right. He's right on schedule. Come on, let's go.

We'd better wait until his napkin is safely tucked under his chin before we

leave.

Dominguez, what are you doing here? You should be watching the fox.

But, señor mayor, el mismo Steve.

Your stomach is already too big.

Of course, if you don't like your job.

Oh, Senor Mayor, do not worry. I shall keep my eyes on the box until tomorrow.

Well, that's just great. If he's going to be watching all night, how are we

going to get that tablet?

Uncle Martin, put those things down.

Put what down?

Your antenna that's sticking straight out of your hand.

Oh, nonsense.

I'd know it if my... The aura.

finish your dinner. Well, amigo, we seem to have lost our appetite.

Crazy

Americano.

They won't budge.

They seem to be stuck.

Well, look, maybe if I, uh...

Maybe if I give him a squirt of machine oil or maybe a shot of grease.

Well, I wish you'd stop talking like a service station attendant trying to sell

a lube job.

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, but... Well, has anything like this ever happened to

you before?

No, and I don't understand it, Glick. I felt perfectly well.

Yeah, well, it certainly didn't affect your appetite.

I mean, you were packing away those peppers like there was no manana.

Tim, you said it.

Manana? Peppers.

I've contracted a case of Martian peperitis, an extremely rare affliction

affects the cerebral matrix which controls the antenna.

I'm surprised at you. I mean, if you knew the peppers were bad for you, why

you gulp them down like jelly beans?

The ailment is so rare it has slipped my mind.

But there is a medication.

Right now, the important thing is to figure out how to get into that chest.

You're kidding.

More important than curing yourself?

Aren't you forgetting something?

If somebody sees my picture on that tablet, everybody in town will know I'm

Martian. Aren't you forgetting something?

There were those antlers up. Very few people are going to believe that you're

moose that came out of the woods looking for his moose mate.

Tim, I'm afraid to look.

Are they still up there?

Oh, well, Uncle Martin, let's just say I, uh...

I wouldn't give back the sombrero just yet.

Senores, you left the restaurant so suddenly last night. I was afraid

is wrong.

Oh, where did you get an idea like that?

No, no, everything is just great. In fact, we're going right out of our

With joy.

Ah, I am happy.

Senor Martin, I have seen how much you enjoy the chili peppers with my

compliments.

God, Rumble.

This umbrella, she's going up.

Naturally. You can't expect a sea -level head and a 7 ,000 -foot level hat to

stick together, can you?

Realize just one more second.

Tim, I've got it.

The remedy for Martian peperitis.

Terrifico! Olé!

It's vanadium tetraphosphite.

Oh. And I suppose that can only be found in some small apothecary shop in the

southeast corner of Mars.

I'm happy to say it's also attainable in our garage back home.

The casing of my cosmogyroscope is practically pure vanadium hypophos.

With luck, we'll just make it before my ailment becomes more acute.

Well, great. Let's go.

Tim, I have no intention of leaving without the tablet.

Now that my mind is relieved, it shouldn't be too difficult to liberate

tablet.

Por favor, senors.

You please will not leave yet.

There is a complaint against you.

A complaint?

In such a pachatica, we do not look kindly upon those who come to take

from us.

Oh, we haven't taken it yet.

Well, Miguel Gonzalez, he says difference.

He says last night in the cantina, you stole his sombrero.

Chief, my uncle was rather fond of that hat. And as a matter of fact, he'd be

sort of lost without it. Do you think maybe Miguel could be induced to part

it?

Oh, senor.

I'm sure Miguel would be very happy. At this price for an old sombrero, he can

retire.

Well, how was that for quick thinking?

Tim, I'm afraid the chief is doing a little quick thinking of his own.

He's probably wondering why anyone would want to pay a hundred pesos for a two

-peso hat.

I

didn't

really ask for the Serape, but it seems that they give one with every six

sombreros. Yeah, sure, I'll wear one, too.

It'll be less conspicuous.

Well, all right.

While the chief's in his office, how do we get him out?

and this is it.

You sure?

Positive. I'd know the chiseled strokes of Montezuma's court sculptor anywhere.

Boy, I sure hope I look half that good in 400 years.

The chief.

Would you mind explaining to me how I'm going to explain to him our presence?

I have faith in your eloquence.

You'll think of something.

Bye now.

Tony's going loco.

Bells ringing by themselves?

I don't know. The happy has to always worry about the things.

I can't understand what's going on.

Senor, what are you doing here?

Well, that's an excellent question, but you've forgotten.

I'm the reporter, and I ask questions. Of course.

Scrunch down, Uncle Martin.

Look,

I came in to interview you, but I can see that you're too busy, so I'll come

back another time.

Senor, I am not busy.

You're not.

Oh, I suppose you're wondering why I have two hats.

Si.

It is rather strange.

No, no, not at all. You see, I'm very conservative. For example, some men wear

suspenders with a belt.

I carry two hats, just in case one blows away.

Lovely picture.

That's Latin.

It means, you have excellent taste.

But enough about art. I did have some questions about the interview.

I wanted to come in and ask you about...

The handcuffs you showed me yesterday.

What about the handcuffs?

Could you check them and tell me if they're made of stainless steel or

iron? Oh, I don't have to check. I know they are made of stainless steel.

Oh.

How do you pronounce handcuffs in Spanish?

Well, there's our problem. You see, we have a lot of Spanish readers in our

paper, and so I wouldn't want to misspell it. Would you mind writing it

me?

Go.

Chief, you might also jot down the spelling of your name and of your

little town here.

Thank you.

And you are?

Your second hat. She's gone.

Second hat?

Chief, are you sure you haven't been working too hard? I mean, why would

carry two hats?

I am going to off -court, too.

I'd like to take this home with me, but there's an old Aztec saying.

Don't press your luck.

Now, I just remembered something.

What made you jam that hat down over my head like that in the police chief's

office? I couldn't see a thing. You mean you don't know?

Look, when you disappeared, you disappeared.

But they didn't. Now, come on, let's get back to Los Angeles and get back to

that vanadium stuff before the... Tim, Tim, it's too late.

What do you mean?

If my antenna don't disappear, it means my malady has reached the peperitis

mortitis stage.

Peperitis mortitis? Mm -hmm.

What does that do to you? No, no, no.

No, no, don't, don't bother answering.

I think I'd rather not know.

Look, with that cop sitting right over there, we can't possibly do it. Well, it

doesn't matter now anyway, Tim.

In less than two minutes, I'll be... Well, look, Tim.

I want you to get to the airport.

Go back home.

And forget you ever knew me. Just for one minute? In less than two minutes,

what?

I hate to tell you, but my atoms will lose their density and I'll become

invisible forever.

Except my antenna.

Which will float around in plain sight for centuries.

Tim, please go.

No, Uncle Wayne.

I'm going to stay with you until the bitter end.

I mean...

Señoras,

señoras!

Can you imagine anybody believing that a hunk of stone can bring good luck? Not

stone, Tim.

The Aztecs always used a special rare mineral for their statues of the bird

A mineral composed almost entirely of vanadium tetraphosphite.

Tetraphosphite.

There isn't a second to spare.

Eureka! Ah, not Eureka, Tim.

Quetzalixal. Are they gone?

Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah, they're all gone.

Good, then let's get out of here.

It's not my fault. If the bird got, he flies away.

Well, whose fault is it?

You are the jefe of policia. You are responsible for law and order.

Well, perhaps it is time we had a new jefe.

One who is more capable.

It looks like the chief better start

reading the one ads and look for a new job. Well, it serves him right for

us such a hard time.

No, Timmy was merely doing his duty.

I hate to think my coming here has cost him his job and made him an object of

ridicule. There's nothing you can do about it now.

Perhaps not, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try.

I wonder if I remember how Sandy Koufax throws that curve.

The bird god has come back to me.

Hey,

Carlo. Si.

I think... I think that you have brought good fortune back to... Our people.

I'm a good mayor.

But you are a jefe we can all be proud of.

One

moment.

We can't have the best mayor in all Mexico drive a taxi. We must think of

protocol. Yes, yes, here.

There, that's better. All right.

To the airport, hombre, and don't spare the cucarachas.

Horses.