Original subtitles

All that, uh, bubble -bubble for that one little plink?

That plink, Tim, is 800 -proof alcohol.

Crazy. Do you take onions or olives?

I'll take a return trip to Mars.

By tomorrow night, that beaker will contain 50 centiliters of hyper

enough to boost my spaceship into the proper flight pattern while Mars is

in a contiguous orbit.

That will do that?

Only if the process continues uninterrupted. And I must have it by

night.

I wish you luck, but Brennan is still snooping around.

I thought I sensed a hostile presence.

Whenever Detective Brennan's around, my antenna quivers. And I hate that. It

tickles. There he is. The human bloodhound.

Boy, you know, that brew is pretty potent. Sooner or later, he's bound to

up here. All he has to do is follow his nose.

Ah, don't worry, Tim.

I've put together a little something that will deal with Detective Brennan

and for all.

Oh.

You mean a few drops of the coffee cup, Senor Bonjour?

Pardon me.

This is A Formula A -6735 -K squared, as found on page 64 in the

Martian Compendium of Home Remedies.

Or what to do till the ziggurblat comes.

Do tell.

It's an irresistible spray.

You see, Brennan is here primarily because of Mrs. Brown.

But what if Mrs. Brown became interested in another man?

Oh. You mean, uh, no more brownies for Lieutenant Brennan?

Precisely, Dr. Watson.

My plan is to spray this on a suitable candidate, introduce him to Mrs. Brown,

and, uh, Brennan will then, as you say here on Earth, stop.

bugging us. You mean that one little spray?

It's not to be used lightly, Tim.

One spray of this will render a person completely irresistible to the opposite

sex. Oh, well, it can't be all that bad.

How long does it last?

Forever.

Unless you have the antidote.

Now, Tim, are you going on that interview now?

Mm -hmm. Good. Then you can drop me at the drugstore.

Just one little... Why, Tim, you don't need that.

Only this morning you were telling me that no girl can resist your charm.

Uncle Martin, you know what a liar I am.

Hmm.

Ooh, that's really different.

Good morning, Martin.

I was just on my way to the butcher shop.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, no, thank you, Laura Lee. I don't need... Martin, what is it?

Darling.

I love you.

What are we watching?

Mrs. Brown's house.

The butcher's inside.

The butcher?

So what? That heavy -thumbed, pig -knuckle purveyor knows very well that

Lee's the only woman in the galaxy for me.

I must be hearing things.

When did this happen? Who can explain when two star -crossed lovers realize

their destinies are mingled?

Unless a certain snake slithers in, trying to tempt her innocent soul with a

juicy pot roast.

If I didn't know you better...

I didn't think you were jealous.

Jealous?

Who's jealous?

I'm just going down there and tear him sirloin from Sperry, if that's all.

You can't do that, because you're not thinking like a Martian. And unless you

think like a Martian, people are going to know you're a Martian.

You're right, Tim.

Then you're not going to go.

You're going.

Really, Mr. Sanders, I should put this meat in the refrigerator.

How can you talk about refrigeration when my heart is being charcoal broiled?

Mr. Sanders, what's come over you?

I can tell you, Laura Lee.

He'd go to any lengths to get customers for his inferior meat.

Oh, Martin, I didn't hear you come in.

I'm here to protect you from this philandering filet merchant.

What philandering?

This morning.

This morning when you asked me for farmer -style spare ribs with a fat

cracked at the top, I suddenly knew you were the only woman in the world for me.

Balderdash.

Oh, excuse me. I'll be right back.

Hold my place. I don't want to miss any of this.

Hello, Lorelei.

Hello. Come on in.

What's all this?

Praying for rain?

Strangest thing, Bill. Mr. Sanders was just saying that he loves me.

Then why don't you go and protect the populace?

Someone may be putting slugs in the penny gum machine at this very minute.

Martin loves me, too.

Why, they can't love you.

I'm the one who loves you.

Why don't the both of you go now so I can be alone with my sweetbread?

She's not your sweetbread. She's my sugarplum. What sugarplum? You're

of the pussycat I love.

What is it, Loralee? Ask anything of me.

For you, I'd climb the highest mountain. And I would personally jump off that

mountain. While that one's climbing and the other one's jumping, how about you

and me going out for the evening? Oh, really?

All I want to do is put my spare ribs in the refrigerator.

Oh, I think this solid silver tie clip goes rather well with my solid silver

buttons, don't you?

I think the whole thing goes very well with your solid silver head.

Uncle Martin, you just are not thinking.

Now, how many times have you told me it would be absolutely fatal for you to

fall in love with an Earth woman? I realize that, Tim, but I just can't seem

help myself. To paraphrase one of your better Earth poets, I've got her under

skin. I've got her deep in the heart of me. You're going to have Brennan all

over you because if he is as jealous of Mrs. Brown as you are, he's going to

come up here and tear this place apart until he finds something to get on you.

And with that 800 -proof martini in the kitchen, he won't have to look very far.

You're right, Tim. It is a danger.

Oh, do you think these cufflinks are a little too much?

I think the whole thing is too much.

You seem to think that Mrs.

Brown... Hey, wait a minute.

That's it.

She must have gotten some of that stuff all over.

Of course, Tim. She must have.

It's the only explanation.

I'll go down and tell her. No, no, no, Tim, don't.

If you get near Laura Lee, you'll fall in love with her, too. And you know what

will happen then?

What? You'll try to take her away from me and I'll despise you.

You've been seeing Laura Lee behind my back, haven't you? You've been seeing

behind my back, I know that. Admit it! Admit it!

Of course it isn't, Tim. I made that irresistible spray so strong that it

overcomes even my superior intellect.

Up here I know this will undoubtedly expose me as a Martian and ruin

But down here I say, come live with me and be my love.

And we will all the pleasures prove that valleys, groves, hills and fields,

woods or steepy mountains yields.

Oh, brother.

Here comes Brennan, and he's going to show you what the inside of a creepy

cell yields.

Brennan, you'll have to get rid of him, Tim. I don't dare let him see what I'm

doing. Now you're talking sense.

Of course I'm talking sense, because he'll try to steal the sonnet that I'm

writing for Laura Lee.

Now I know what non -compass menace means.

Shall I compare thee to a Martian moon?

Would you mind just making your poetry a little quieter?

Well, Detective Brennan, isn't it a nice day?

It will be once I get my hands on Loverboy. Loverboy. Oh, you mean Uncle

He thinks he can take Laura Lee away from me, but he won't be around long

enough.

I've been smelling something peculiar, and I finally traced it up here.

To that little old brewmaster.

Oh, no, no, I'm sure that you're mistaken, Detective Brennan.

I think really what you're smelling is the... the fragrance of, uh... of Mrs.

Brown's garden. Yes, the roses, the azaleas, the petunias.

If those are petunias, they'd better join Flowers Anonymous.

Will you get out of my way? I know the evidence is right inside there. I am

sorry, Detective Brennan, but I can't let you in there.

Why do you hate me?

Well, it isn't that exactly.

I know.

You're trying to take Laura Lee away from me, too.

Me? Never.

You owe Hara the two of a kind. But I'll settle both your hashes.

I'm going to get a search warrant.

Well, it gives me a little more time.

But how does a mere human protect a lovesick, Martian, bootlegger?

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin. You've got to dismantle this stuff and get out of

here. If Brendan finds it, we're in big trouble. I appreciate your concern, Tim.

But this equipment must distill enough spaceship fuel so I can use it tomorrow

night. Look, you cannot go back to Mars in this condition.

Who wants to go to Mars? Oh, good.

Tomorrow night, I'm taking Laura Lee away from all this.

Oh? Mm -hmm. We're going to elope and honeymoon on Venus.

Two handkerchiefs?

Check. How can you sit there so calmly and tell me that you and Mrs. Brown are

going to fly away? Excuse me, Tim. I'm not just sitting here. I'm checking out

the necessary items to take on my little jaunt. You might call it my trousseau.

You haven't told Mrs. Brown that you're a Martian. Oh, Laura Lee doesn't know

anything about this. I thought it would be more romantic to surprise her once

we're on our way. This is not eloping. This is kidnapping. And there are laws

this state that say that you...

Oh, it's my sugarplum. She can't see this. It would spoil the surprise.

Tim!

Tim!

Yoo -hoo!

Oh, there you are. You know, I've been wanting to talk to you, and you've been

avoiding me all day.

There, you see, you're doing it again. Doing what?

Acting so strangely.

Everybody else likes me. There you are, Laura Lee.

I see I've arrived in the nick of time. What's that fiend doing to you? Doing?

He won't even come near me.

A likely story. You, stay away from her.

Believe me, I'm doing the best I can.

I wish you boys had learned to get along.

Maybe you just don't know each other well enough.

Oh, I know how his mind works.

Well, that's a step in the right direction.

Now, I'm going to go downstairs and make a batch of fudge brownies, and we'll

all get together later and talk about it. Bye.

There goes nature's loveliest creation.

Now, where's nature's ghastliest mistake?

He in there?

No, no, he... For you, my dear.

Thanks, O 'Hara.

That's not my light of love.

Where is she? She's gone.

So you are a bootlegger.

I'll just keep this as evidence.

Now, where's the still? Just a minute, Detective Brennan.

What about your search warrant?

I haven't had time to get one.

I've been too busy making plans concerning a certain lady.

Mrs. Brown.

Tim, I can understand you're being attracted to her.

But stop sneaking around behind my back. You're trying to take her away from me,

aren't you? Believe me, Detective Brennan, she doesn't mean a thing to me.

Don't you say a word against her.

What happens when he gets in the kitchen?

Kitchen? I'm glad you reminded me, Tim. We'll need lots of food.

The restaurants on Venus are terrible.

Oh, just one second, Detective Brennan. Detective Brennan, you don't want to go

in there.

Why not?

We're fumigating.

Too bad it didn't work.

Come inside.

Detective Brennan, I can explain.

Explain what? Explain that.

This kitchen is such a mess.

You see, dirty dishes.

Very unneat.

Well, Hawkshaw, satisfied?

I won't be satisfied until I find that still.

Believe me, I will find it.

They don't call me Bulldog Brennan for nothing.

Where is the still?

I've dismantled it. Good. Then you won't be able to make enough fuel to take

Mrs. Brown to Venus.

Perhaps. We'd simply use whatever I've prepared.

It should be enough to land on a lonely asteroid and make a romantic life far

from the maddening crowd.

Then I'll really have her to myself.

If I don't find that book

with that antidote and counterbalance Mrs. Brown's spray, Uncle Martin's

Where could he have hidden that book?

I've heard of crafty Martians, but this is ridiculous.

Washing the pending of home remedies or what to do until the Ziggurat comes

home?

Why,

that crafty... Page 64.

Page 64, 64, 64.

It's in Martian.

I can translate it. If I can just find this English Martian dictionary.

That's beautiful.

That means I have to look for another book.

Think like a Martian.

Maybe this sandwich will give me strength.

Now, for a lovesick Martian, where would I find a dictionary for Martians in...

Oh, boy, is that Martian lovesick.

Let's see. A wiggly line.

It's an A.

Line that looks like an S.

What do you know?

It's an S.

Well, Tim, all is in readiness.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Uncle Martin, you just can't go like this.

Well, there's nothing else I can do, Tim.

Your friendship has been a great deal to me, and I hate long farewells, so... So

I'll say only... What?

Well, it loses in the translation, Tim, but roughly it means... Goodbye.

No! No, no, no.

The bird is on the wing, Tim. The bird is on the wing. It's time to sweep Sugar

Plum off her feet and on to Venus. Goodbye.

Let's see.

Start with a dot over it. Start with a dot over it.

T.

A -S -P -I -R -I -N. A -S -P -I -R -I -N.

Aspirin.

Aspirin.

Aspirin!

You mean that is the antidote for all that?

Mrs.

Brunt!

Oh, my gosh!

I've always said you make the greatest fudge brownies in the world.

As Wordsworth said, if music be the food of love, play on.

I believe you'll find that William Shakespeare said that.

Your ignorance is showing, O 'Hara.

I'll prove I'm right. Oh, I think the book I want is over there.

Oh, yes, quotations, quotations, quotations. Music, music, music, music,

If music, if music, if music.

I don't understand it.

This book does credit Shakespeare.

Perhaps the book is wrong.

Why don't you try another?

Don't be sarcastic, O 'Hara.

You know, sometimes I think... There it is again.

There what is again?

That same odor.

It's coming from your kitchen, Laura Lee.

Well, now, that's funny. I don't have anything cooking.

Of course not, my dear.

This cut -rate Capone knew I was closing in, so he's planted a still in your

window box.

Oh, but that's impossible, Bill. The window box is full of geranium.

Be calm, Laura Lee.

It must be a fuse.

I'll take care of it.

Mrs. Brown.

Mrs. Brown, where are you?

What are you doing here?

Nor snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom at night stays this courier from his

loved one's sight.

Oh, Postman, does Mrs. Brown know you're here?

You're trying to take her away from me, too.

Uncle Martin, I know you're in a hurry.

But aren't you making a little mistake?

Oh, good grief.

What were you doing in the kitchen?

My love is like a choice filet.

So tender and so sweet.

I adore Mrs.

Brown, if I may say.

It's her I'd love to eat.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Mrs. Brown!

I fixed it, Laura Lee.

I have something for you.

Mrs. Brown, have an aspirin.

But I don't have a headache.

You will.

Tim, I don't understand you today.

Mrs. Brown, have you ever tried a fudge brownie sandwich?

No, I... Well, it's a new taste sensation.

Oh, really?

Oh, here, Mrs. Brown. And while you're having your... fudge brownie sandwich,

I'll just step in your closet and light a sweater.

What are you doing here?

I was driving down the street in my truck, ringing the little bells, when I

couldn't help myself.

Welcome to the club.

Please, don't breathe so heavily. You're melting my ice cream bar.

The next time your twinkle toes touch the earth, it won't be the earth.

You don't have to worry about those booze any longer, Laura Lee.

It'll be you and I among the stars.

Oh, Martin, you're so romantic.

Oh, Martin, when you wait, you can't. I'm sorry, Tim, but que sera, sera.

Tim! Well, then you take one, will you, please?

What? Oh, Tim, that hurt.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Brown, I... It hurt? Of course it hurt. You're going to have a

headache, Mrs. Brown, a terrible headache, and I just happen to have some

aspirin. Here, take one, take two.

All right, Sugar Plum, it's time that we... Tim.

What am I doing?

Pussycat!

Pussycat, you'll catch your death.

What's going on here, Laura Lee?

Sweet bread. I don't think... Say, do you realize you haven't paid me for them

spare ribs?

Told him, as Virgil said, love conquers all.

Most.

Yeah, before Mrs. Brown.

You know, I think she's going to miss that excitement, all that attention.

I think I have the solution to that problem, too.

That's the spritz.

Just enough left.

A drop.

Just enough for her to...

Taper off.