Original subtitles

Oh, I thought I would put that sofa against that wall over there and take

chairs. Yeah, Uncle Martin, look, can you stop the interior darkening?

Hold it.

The strangest thing just happened to me.

Just as I was turning in the driveway, these two cars went by and zoom, zoom,

clunk.

I get the zoom, zoom, but what's the clunk? It's this.

See, someone threw this out of one of the two cars and it clunked me in the

noggin.

What's in it?

I don't go around reading other people's mail.

With that zoom -zoom -plunk delivery service, you're entitled.

Great Galloping Galaxy.

What is it?

A message for Top Seek.

What's Top Seek?

That's the code name for Top Secret, an extremely idealistic worldwide

organization for the prevention of hostilities.

Oh? Well, what's in the message?

I have located the headquarters of Crush.

It operates out of Mama's Kitchen on Water Street.

They have identified me and I'm in flight, but expect to be captured.

Carry on and good luck.

Signed, Operator 006.

Holy Toledo.

What's Crush?

An international ring of ruthless cutthroats.

Loyal to no one and nothing. And dedicated to gaining power for itself.

Its slogan is, we hate everybody.

Dr. Martin? What? Does the message say anything else?

Yes. What?

Help.

Yogurt Incorporated?

Tim, if they called themselves Top Seek, they wouldn't be Top Secret anymore.

Well, how did you know they were here?

When will you accept the fact that there's very little a Martian doesn't

Oh. Well, I sure hope they don't think I'm some sort of a crackpot. Of course

not. You're doing your responsibility as a citizen.

Too many people avoid their responsibility where the good of the

concerned. Well, go ahead, Tim, and good luck.

Well, wait a minute. Aren't you going to go in with me? I can't, Tim.

Top Seek is bound to investigate anyone who brings them information.

And while your background can stand scrutiny, mine can't.

Martians aren't exactly average citizens, remember?

Yeah, but I need you, Uncle Martin. Well, I suppose I can give you moral

support. Okay, carry on, Tim.

Thanks, Uncle Martin.

Naturally, we're checking you out, Mr. O 'Hara.

Although we can't imagine 006 getting that message to you any way other than

described. Still, we must make sure.

That must be the report on you now.

Clary here.

Yes, sir.

I'll certainly try, sir.

You've got a clean bill of health, O 'Hara.

And our exec extends his thanks to you on behalf of Top Seek.

Well, I... I was glad I could help.

Goodbye. Not so fast, O 'Hara.

You'll have to remain here now.

I'm afraid you know too much.

Now, for your own safety, and to guarantee there's no leak about our

we'll have to keep you in protective custody.

However, our exec suggested an alternative.

What was the alternative?

What do you know about Krush?

Nothing good.

That's an understatement.

is an elaborate counter -spy operation, and we have reason to believe they can

identify every one of our agents, except 004, who has a unique

cover.

However, the job is too big for one agent.

We need another.

Well, I hope you find one.

Me?

We do.

Utilize civilians when necessary, O 'Hara.

The decision's yours, of course.

Take it over.

I'll be back.

I've debugged the room.

Did you hear what he just said?

I heard.

Well, don't you stand there. What am I going to do about it? Your duty.

Oh, now, look.

I don't even know how to play this game of Secret Service.

When I was a kid, I was terrible at playing I Spy, and this is no kid game.

ball it up the whole works.

You won't, Tim. I have absolute confidence in you.

Well, I don't share your confidence.

Tim, if Crush gets the upper hand, your entire planet is in jeopardy. Well, what

about yours? Look, if our planet is in danger, how about all the other planets

in the universe? And the atmosphere? And the stratosphere? Look, one lethal

weapon in the hands of one of those crush kooks, and blowy!

That's it. That's the end of your little hometown back on Mars. We've got to

crush crush before crush crushes us. Because if we don't crush crush, we

I don't know what I'm talking about.

You're talking about us both having a stake in destroying crush, and you're

right.

Clary's coming back.

All right, Tim. I'm with you.

Just one second. What about Big Ears? Oh, yeah.

This is 004, Mr. O 'Hara.

As I said, she has a unique cover.

If that's the cover, I'd love to read the book.

Page 27 will fascinate you.

What have you decided, Mr. O 'Hara?

Where do I get my library card?

I'm in.

I'm in.

Congratulations.

Your operative number will be 00675.

See that he's properly outfitted.

The silk mohair number?

Well, give it a try.

Good luck, O 'Hara, and good hunting.

Oh, thank you.

Let's try it again. And this time, please try not to hurt yourself.

Right.

Press the cuffling.

Right.

Forget it.

Let's try the tie.

And please, aim for the target this time.

Hey. Hey, I hit it this time.

You know, that sort of tickles. The receiving end.

Now, let's try the belt.

Oh, yeah.

Your cover. You want to knock yourself out?

Oh, Roger.

What was that?

What was what?

It sounded like a falling body.

Couldn't be.

Now, don't forget to take cover when you release the gas. It's only potent for a

short time, but it knocks anyone out who inhales it.

Now, let's see.

Cuffling, tie gun, stupefying gas belt.

That's it.

Yeah, well, don't forget the bandages.

Thank you. I was running out of fingers.

I will go and get our final instructions and be back for you.

Please don't hurt yourself while I'm gone.

Hello, Martin. Look at all the gimmicks I've got, though, huh? The cufflinks,

the tie pin, the belt, huh?

Rather primitive, but effective.

Oh, well, uh, how do I look?

Fine, fine. Now, just don't point that loaded tie at me.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what do you think of Kitty?

Isn't she wild? What?

She's coming.

I'll see you at Mama's kitchen, Tim.

Arrivederci.

Hot lasagna.

They want the name of your next of kin.

Just in case.

Next of kin.

Roger.

I'm going to the powder room. That will give me a chance to look around and see

if I can locate 006.

You'll hurry back, will you?

I'd like to eat alone.

No time for a snack, Uncle Martin.

Relax. I've discovered something, Tim.

But first I have to get rid of fatso.

Who's Ignacio?

The cook. I stuck him in a tub of marinara sauce. Remind me not to eat

anymore.

I think I've discovered the entrance to Christ. Oh?

Watch.

How about that?

She's coming, Tim.

Carry on.

Shades of Charlie Chan, how did you...

Simple deduction.

Don't push.

Who's pushing?

Oh.

Why

is

it doing that?

Electric eye, I imagine.

It probably reacts when someone crosses the threshold.

Oh, well.

house beautiful.

Hey, look at this crazy daisy.

Kitty?

brother was watching.

Come on, Uncle Martin, get me out of here. We've got to go find Kitty. Why,

poor girl's... Take it easy, Tim.

Uncle Martin, you are a jewel.

Kitty, thank goodness you're safe.

Who are you?

The question, young lady, is who are you?

Well, I... I suppose I'd better tell you. I am... One move and you will be

greeting your ancestors.

They were escaping.

They wouldn't get very far, my dear.

What do you think of our beautiful little kitty?

Crush's own little 008.

Oh, pardon me.

She's 004.

She's a double agent working for Crush.

004 is 008.

Surprise.

I want you, Tim.

They're ruthless, unscrupulous. Yeah, I know. And you should never tell a book

by its cover.

The gun, 008.

Yes, sir.

You look like a reasonable young man.

Your Confederate 006 is being rather stubborn.

But I think I can do business with you.

You see, this old girl is rather impetuous.

So don't keep her waiting.

What is the purple alert?

The... Purple Alert? I have no idea. Don't move.

Top Seek has been preparing the Purple Alert for two years now.

Crush wants to know its operations center, its striking power, and the

involved.

The old girl is impatient.

I guess you better spill it, Tim.

I don't know what he's talking about. And you know I don't know what he's

talking about. And if I knew what he was talking about, I wouldn't tell him. My

patience is at an end.

Who's doing this? Uncle Marcus!

Well?

What happened?

The flower over there.

It gave off a gaseous smoke screen, which permitted Fatso to hogtie us.

that's just great.

Well, do something about it. Come on, get us out of here.

Why don't you just use the old levitation figure? Put it in reverse or

something. I'm afraid I'm just as helpless as you are, Tim.

Oh, come on now.

I saw you just saw off those bars like they were nothing. You turned that

into a pretzel. That was before nauseous gashes.

What are you talking about?

The smoke screen released by the flower, Tim, contained an element that affects

the Martian nervous system.

I'm just as helpless as a baby. I'm afraid crush is even more advanced than

suspected. They've gone beyond the ordinary garden variety atomic weapon.

Obviously, they have plans and weapons for outer space.

Oh, well, that's just great.

Look, isn't there any antidote for nauseous gashes?

Mm -hmm.

Chlorophyll.

Unfortunately, on Mars, we don't have any greenery which supplies it. Yes, but

we're not on Mars. Look, you've got to do something.

Hey. Hey, what about that plant?

What plant?

In the alcove right there.

It's got the big green succulent juicy leaves on it.

That would do it. Yeah.

But how do we get over there to it? That's simple. All we have to do is

I used to be pretty good at that in high school. And look, all we have to do is

synchronize ourselves and get up a little momentum, and there's rock right

there. Okay, start synchronizing.

Am I right? Yeah, you're right. That way.

No, no, no. Ready?

One, two.

Okay,

we've got to reach the plants.

Yeah. Yeah, but how?

Push. Push and lift, okay? All right.

That hurts.

It's awful.

No, no, never say that.

Why don't you tell that to Fatso?

I'm seeing things.

Oh, sure, I'm seeing things.

No, I'm not seeing things.

No, no, no.

We're going to be minced meat. We're going to be squashed.

Come on, Martin. We're going to be two blobs in the wall.

Hurry up. Do something.

Oh, come on. This is no time to be dainty.

I am getting very nervous.

Well, so am I.

Come on. Come on. Eat. Eat. It's good for you.

Come on.

Come on. I've heard of small rooms, but this is ridiculous.

What lot you care, 004?

Oh, you don't understand.

I am a double agent, but I'm not working for Crush. I'm working for Topseek.

And I found 006.

He's in good shape, but I need help to get him out.

Oh, you don't believe me.

Should we?

I can prove it.

She has antenna just like... Just like a... Television sets.

Calling Topseek. Calling Topseek. Double acrostic calling Topseek.

Mayday. Mayday.

Authenticate me as double agent for Topseek and send reinforcements.

Never mind.

And we won't need reinforcements.

Tell them the situation is A -OK and go. All the way.

Disregard Mayday. We can handle.

Double acrostic signing off.

Have you lost your mind?

It's quite all right, Tim. I read her loud and clear.

And she's on the level.

Thank you.

I wish you would tell me who you are.

Well, let's just say I'm one of you, but my territory is considerably larger

than yours.

I'm a triple agent, and no one, not even Topsyk, must know my identity if I'm to

move freely.

Triple agent?

Now, what's the plan?

Simply diabolic.

Welcome to Top Seek.

Well, this cigar, he didn't need a knife.

Bring him in there.

Right.

Good grief. How did you do that?

A new agricultural process called Groson.

You should see my tomatoes, really.

Now, if you will lead us to 006.

I hope somebody remembers to water them.

This way.

I'll have to clear her mind of all recollection of me and do the same to

here.

He won't know me from Father Christmas now.

I know Mr. O 'Hara was wonderful, but I don't know how he did it.

We professionals have a tendency to underestimate the ingenuity and the

of the man in the street.

As of this moment, 006 Three Quarters ceases to exist.

Oh, well, thanks.

Well, I guess it's time for me to go back to my paper. Boy, have I got a

to write.

I'm afraid you can't write that story, O 'Hara.

Our operation must remain top secret.

leave you to say your goodbyes to Kitty.

I'm sorry about your story, Tim.

I wish there was something I could do.

Well, how about a nice on -team little dinner for two and then we'll take a

little drive up Mulholland and look at the view.

I can't, Tim.

I'm sorry.

Why not?

I just can't get involved.

All right, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll skip Mulholland and we'll just go to a nice...

Nice motion picture. And we'll hold hands, because who can get hurt holding

hands?

You see?

It happens every time a fellow reaches for my hand.

You're over -trained.