Original subtitles

There's no doubt about it, Tim.

I am beginning to show my age.

You? Oh, come on, Uncle Martin, you look great. Well, you look a lot better

than... Well, you look a lot better than... Come to think of it, I don't

anyone else who's 400 years old.

Well, then you'll just have to take my word for it. I'm no longer the Martian I

used to be, Tim.

Ah.

And this is a very serious matter, Tim, because it is undoubtedly due to the

differential in your time cycle.

Actually, I'm not due for rejuvenation for another hundred years.

Rejuvenation? Yes, the process we Martians use to keep us young.

It's a standard procedure with our 500 -year or one -billion -mile checkup.

Seeing as I can't wait until I get back home... You are going to rejuvenate

yourself? Now and here?

With that gadget?

Tim, calling this a gadget is like calling Buckingham Palace a track house.

This is a rejuvenation bulb.

Model ZY -13.

How about that?

It's sort of a 110 -watt fountain of youth, huh?

How's it work? Oh, it's very simple, really. I merely bathe myself in this

light for four seconds.

Black light?

Exactly. The absence of light rays, plus a few other things that you wouldn't

understand, invert the maturing process, which in turn revitalizes every fiber

of my being.

Now, if you'll be kind enough to switch the lamp on, count to four, then switch

the lamp off, I'll be as good as new.

And, Tim, whatever you do, don't switch it off until after you count four.

Well, we Earth people may not be very bright, but I think we can count to

I think.

All right, then.

Point it toward me and turn it on.

All right.

Is that right?

Okay.

Well, um...

Well,

just don't stand there, Tim. Pick me up.

I had to find a Martian to become a mother.

What happened?

Obviously, you turned off the lamp before the count of four.

Well, I did not turn it off.

I happened to kick out the cord. See?

Nevertheless, you extinguished the glow of the black light before the

rejuvenation process was completed, leaving me in the infantile state.

Yeah. Well, what am I supposed to do?

Adopt you?

Just one second.

I know you're a baby.

But you're talking.

I mean, I can hear you, but your mouth isn't moving.

Tim, I'm an infant. My vocal cords have yet to function properly.

However, if you recall, I told you Martian children are born with complete

mental faculties. Ergo, I'm speaking to you through brain waves.

Oh, yes. Well, of course. That makes sense. For heaven's sake, put me up on

couch, focus the black light on me, and put the plug back into the wall socket

so I can return to my own magnificent form.

All right.

Your, uh, your body may be smaller, but your head is just as big as it ever was.

We could dispense with your primitive, earthly sarcasm. Please do as I say, and

quickly. All right, all right, okay.

Well, I don't know.

There's something nice about having a baby around the house. A pitter -patter

tiny feet.

Tim, there is a time for levity and a time for... Panic. Who is it?

Lieutenant Brennan.

Uh, uh...

Get smaller.

Just me, O 'Hara.

Is Laura only up?

Oh, hello.

Is that a baby you're holding?

A baby?

Uh -huh.

Well, so it is.

Whose is it?

Whose is it? Uh, well, I... I found him.

Yes, yes. You see, someone left them on my doorstep, and I'm taking care of them

until whoever he belongs to comes back to get them.

Oh, feel that? There seems to be a terrible draft in the room. Lieutenant,

you mind closing the door, preferably from the outside? Just a minute, O

Much as I dislike coming to your aid, I feel it is my duty to inform you that

you could get into serious trouble with the authorities for not calling the

police. However, as long as you cooperate.

Cooperate? When a child is abandoned, it becomes a ward of the city.

As an officer of the law, I'll see to it that he's turned over to the juvenile

authorities at City Hospital.

I'll take him now, if you don't mind.

Well,

now, hold just one second here.

I found him, and it's finder's keepers. And loser's weepers start crying, O

'Hara. Mr. Martin, he's not going to like this.

I thought there was something more cheerful about your apartment today.

uncle isn't here.

Where is he? And I hope it's permanent.

Well, let's just say he's wrapped up in something right now.

Well, when he gets back, do tell him I didn't miss him.

Well, Lieutenant, look.

Couldn't I just say goodbye to the little tyke?

Well, I suppose it'd be all right.

I'd better check in with headquarters anyway and tell them where I'll be.

All right, brilliant baby.

What do we do now? Get my rejuvenation bulb and bring it down to the hospital

nursery. We'll have to restore me down there.

Hello, Sergeant. Lieutenant Brennan.

Look, I've got an abandoned infant on my hands.

Don't ask me how. I'm taking him down to the hospital.

Yeah, I'll check in with you when I get there.

Right. Bye.

Okay, O 'Hara.

Time to go bye -bye.

Bye -bye -bye.

Bye -bye -bye.

Chin up, little fella.

Don't cry.

They'll take good care of you.

I'll try to see you again after I make out my report.

Dr. Ward, go to 561 West.

Dr. Ward, 561 West, please.

Over here, Tim.

Where? All of you look alike.

To your right. The third crib from the end. And hurry.

The noise in here is shattering my delicate sounding devices.

Oh, that you? Of course it's me. Do I need blue booties to prove it?

Did you bring the bulb?

Yeah. Yeah. I put it in the linen closet just down the hallway.

Now, don't worry. You'll be back to your old self before you can say, Kee -chee

-kee -choo -choo.

It's too soon to suit me. I've never been so mortified in my whole life.

Especially the ride down here with that Brennan playing with my toes.

Tickling me.

Oh, yeah.

You know what's a lucky thing for him? He didn't try to burp you.

Unluckily for him, he did try.

Look at baby back.

You and your fathers ought to be ashamed of yourselves. New fathers?

Yes.

Now, out you go.

This nursery is off limits to everyone except doctors and nurses.

Out. Out. Go.

And don't let me catch you in here again.

Harrison baby's back. Where shall I put him?

Oh, put him in here and move him down to the beginning of the line. Right.

Just a few more feet, Uncle Martin. We're home free.

One second, we'll blast off.

One, two, three, four.

I'd like to do an obstetrics right away.

Obstetrics? Mm -hmm. They say it's important.

Can't imagine what they'd want me for.

Mind the store for me, honey. I'll be right back.

Uncle Martin? Uncle Martin?

Over here. I'm fourth from the end now.

One, two, three, four.

Is that you this time? It's me. They moved in a new neighbor to the head of

line. Oh, well, that's just great. Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I couldn't very well announce the mistake you were making. How would you

have explained it to the nurse?

How am I going to explain that six -foot baby I've got down there in the linen

closet? Six feet. Well, only when he stands up. Right now we see him on the

floor, sucking his thumb.

No one was afraid of that.

On an infant earthling, the rejuvenation bulb advances him physiologically, but

not mentally.

We'll have to invert his physical maturity right away. Let's go.

It's Brendan.

Well, for heaven's sake, get rid of him before he sees you for whom you really

are. Okay.

I'm Lieutenant Brennan.

I, uh, bought the abandoned childhood a little while ago. I was wondering if I

might see the little fellow again before I left. I'm afraid not. It's against

the rules.

Come now. I'm sure it'll be all right. It'll only take a minute.

Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

I don't think so.

Unless you were one of our babies.

Never forget a face, but feign for that, you know.

Would you mind taking off the mask?

Is this the baby you want?

What is this, union staging?

How many times have I told you fathers that you're not allowed in the nursery?

I am not the child's father.

All right, so you're the first male mother in medical science. It doesn't

you the right to come in the nursery and pick up the baby.

I didn't pick it up.

Sure,

he was giving them away.

What luck.

You know, for a minute I thought we'd had it. Damn, luck is very much like a

neon sign. It flickers on and off. Now let's get our work done while it's still

on.

Yeah. Oh.

Uncle Martin? Yes?

Our neon sign just flickered off.

What? Junior Giant is gone.

Well, see for yourself.

Hello, Martin. I think you better find yourself another babysitter.

This is a hospital. I'm going to be sick.

Pull yourself together. This is no time to panic.

Well, it's time for me, and I don't care if it's standard or daylight savings.

What's going to happen if they find that overgrown thumbsucker crawling around

the woodwork?

Well, perhaps we can find him first if we hurry.

Uh -oh.

Vernon's coming. Is the door closed?

Yeah.

You just point that nurse out to me and I'll get to the bottom of this. You mean

we'll get to the bottom of this. There are a few questions I'd like to ask her.

Call it police instinct, but there's something peculiar going on around here.

You heard him? Heard him. I felt him. He was breathing right down my neck. Don't

be selfish. He's breathing down mine as well.

That uniform you're wearing would take quite a bit of explaining.

I suggest you get back into civvies as rapidly as possible. Well, what about

you? And how about the jolly young giant? Simply turn the black light on as

leave. As soon as I return to my sylph -like self, I'll shut it off. Then we'll

rejoin forces, locate and rejuvenate Junior.

Well, okay, but I hope you're not talking through your rattle.

Tim, trust me.

Out of the mouths of Martian babes comes know -how.

Well, hello.

Are you one of the new doctors?

Mm -hmm.

Specialist. Interesting.

What do you specialize in? Oh, how about young nurses? Young, beautiful nurses.

Well, if I can assist you in any way, doctor, just yell.

Help.

Oh, I would like to discuss some operating procedures with you.

Before you start making house calls, Doctor, we do have an emergency here.

Eavesdropper. What are you doing in that getup? We Martians have excellent

figures, but I doubt if it would be appreciated by showing it off in a

That was all I was wearing at the time, remember?

Besides, I had to get into the administration office and remove my

the file.

Once we leave here, the records and the nursery count must tally.

Now, don't you suppose we better go and try to find Junior?

Yeah, yeah. Where do we start?

Well, as I once said to Conan Doyle when I helped him create Sherlock Holmes,

everything is a matter of deduction.

Now, what does a baby want most besides its mother?

His father.

Food. And if a small infant is always hungry, imagine what hunger pains an

infant the size of Junior feels.

The commissary!

Congratulations, sir. You have just won yourself... Five pounds of wet cement.

guzzle that cow juice?

Naturally.

His fuel capacity has gone from the small economy car to that of a

You

know,

I've heard of babies who are big by their age, but this is ridiculous.

Ridiculous. Can't we just get him to crawl back to the closet?

I said to you, Tim, a little exercise like this, wearing out a man who

a three -hour Watusi session at the Expresso, a go -go?

Google.

Google yourself.

Well, I was just looking for a story. You never know where you're going to

one, Lieutenant.

Which reminds me, what are you doing here?

I suppose, uh, I suppose someone tipped you off?

That there's a crooked hypodermic needle in the place?

Very sharp today.

Get the point.

But your feeble attempt at humor doesn't fool me.

There's something going on here.

And you and your uncle are always around when it is.

What is it, O 'Hara? I'll find out sooner or later.

Well, O 'Hara, I haven't the slightest notion of what you're talking about.

Now, see here, O 'Hara.

First I find you with a baby, which you did not report to the authorities.

Then I run into a nurse, who no one seems to know and we can't find, and

you show up...

on medicine just as soon as the baby arrives.

Baby's arriving?

Yeah, don't you hear the stalk?

He's in there, flapping his wings.

I hope it's on schedule, Doctor.

Now, see here, O 'Hara.

Yeah, right on schedule.

Now, you come with me now. Give me the story that you're born in. Come to the

nursery now.

Yeah, I'm all here, Doctor.

I'll be a... Oh.

Were you speaking to me?

Hmm? Oh, no, no. I was just talking to myself.

Here, Tim.

Hold the baby for me.

I've

never

heard of a baby delivered that fast.

You saw a baby delivered out here?

Oh, no, no, no.

In there.

Oh, in here, in the linen closet.

But that was the delivery room.

Now, now.

Everything will be all right.

We're your friends and we're here to help you. But you don't understand.

The doctor walked in.

And I distinctly heard a baby cry.

You know, Uncle Martin, Even for a Martian, you're a genius.

Well, thank you for the compliment, Tim.

But then again, you don't know any other Martians.

Tootie, tootie, tootie.

Tim said he'd heard you'd had a nervous breakdown at the hospital.

I'm delighted to see that you've recovered so rapidly. Spare me the kind

O 'Hara, and get that nephew of yours out here on the double.

Of course.

Tim, you have a visitor.

Well,

Lieutenant Brennan, are you feeling any better?

Stop with all this solicitude for my health and tell me what you're trying to

pull. Temper, temper, temper, Lieutenant. Mustn't lose your self

You could have a relapse.

O 'Hara.

Where did that baby come from?

Well, I told you when you first came here.

He was abandoned.

I'm talking about the baby in the linen closet.

Oh, he is having a relapse. Don't relapse me. That baby was real and so

nurse and the... I thought

she looked familiar.

Go ahead, O 'Hara. Deny it.

Deny what?

Deny what? Who this uniform belongs to.

Why, that belongs to me.

Yours? Yes. Yes, it's part of the new Medicare program for the young.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

Don't wait up for me tonight.

You see, we will be operating tonight.

You know something, O 'Hara?

There are times I could scream.

I could just scream.

I know exactly what you mean, Lieutenant.