Original subtitles

Uh, Martin, hold it.

Please, Tim, please, no pictures until I get my old sylph -like figure back

again. Well, all this just to lose three pounds? Tim, it's imperative.

This space suit is engineered to the last ounce. Why, if I were only one

overweight, it would cause the stabilometer refractioning. Yeah?

What's that mean?

Simply put, I can't make any test hops until I take off this weight.

It's all this soft Earth living.

Oh, well, why don't you give up all this soft Earth living?

Stop the strudel. Start the yogurt.

Fortunately, that's not necessary.

The molecular equalizer in my spaceship will take off the precise amount of

weight in a matter of minutes by collapsing my fat molecules.

There.

Uncle Martin, how do you know all the fats in your head?

Damn, please.

Now, this merely acts as a thyroid depressant.

Now, will you go over there and throw the green switch on the control panel?

Sure.

I just wanted to make sure you were still there.

Of course I am.

There seems to be a power drain of some kind.

Are you sure that you turned the green switch?

Yeah. The one on the left.

On the left?

Oh, no!

Your Earth's atmosphere must have oxidized the red switch and turned it

Is that bad?

Let's put it here.

You're going to have to lose more weight than you thought.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Uncle Morton. I admit it was my fault.

Well, don't worry about it, Tim.

There's no permanent damage.

No, no. If it was any smaller, we could always play tiddlywinks with it.

When you threw that switch, it reduced the ship instead of me.

The ship's molecules packed into a much smaller space.

Now they're under tremendous tension.

The pressure will build up to a critical point and the ship will expand to its

normal size.

Oh?

Well, uh... When will that happen?

Well... I can't tell without precise measurements.

Look, will you put this away for me?

And by the way, have you seen my molecular pressure gauge?

It has a handle with a flat head and a hole in it.

Oh, is that the thing that looks like a bottle opener? Mm -hmm. Yeah, it's up in

the kitchen.

Now, that's what stands in the way of Earth's progress.

Confronted with something strange, you either make a lamp out of it or you open

a bottle with it.

That's no bone. Out you go.

Aha.

Excuse me.

My father was the finest swordsman in all of France. On guard.

Thank you very much, monsieur.

And that is how we won the war for the Queen.

Tim, this is no time to be playing the man in the iron mask.

Where's my spaceship?

It's right there.

It's gone.

Obviously, but where?

We've got to get it back.

Without these measurements, I have no idea when it will expand to normal size.

Suppose it happened in a crowded place.

It could be a catastrophe.

Think, Tim, think.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking. But there was no one here except myself and...

And who?

Uncle Martin, I think your spaceship has gone to the dogs.

Wow, Clyde boy, what have we here?

Hey, looks kind of like the flying saucer I'm making.

Now, which one am I, competitors?

Fine, no name, no patent number.

Well, it must be homemade.

You want to play, Clyde?

Come on, here.

Fetch.

Well, how about that?

A flying saucer and...

He's got an idea for a sensational new toy.

Here, Poochie.

Poochie. Tim, I wouldn't call him that. Some dogs are very sensitive about it.

Oh, well, I wouldn't want to insult him.

Here.

Here.

What do I call him, Mr. Dog, sir?

It doesn't matter now. He's gone.

Uncle Byron, have you been up all night?

Contact, finally.

Oh, is there a little hairy friend?

Coming up the street right now.

Well, I'll go and grab him. That won't be necessary. You can let him in.

Spaceship swiper.

Well, yes, I certainly do want to talk to you. Where were you last night?

Where was he?

Beyond the range of my antenna, staying with a friend.

He did?

What he did? Do?

He stayed out all night.

The friend?

No, no, no, his master.

Yes.

Scratches constantly, eh? His master?

No, the friend.

Well, I sympathize with your problem.

But an unfortunate environment is no excuse for taking things that don't

to you.

is my spaceship now?

What?

Oh, no.

What oh, no?

A boomerang?

It's in Australia?

Worse than that. It's in patent pending.

Ah,

Dave. Dave, the mold is perfect.

I want to thank you for doing such a great job so fast.

We're going to flood this country with a boomerang. flying saucer before that

happy toy outfit knows what boomerang down there, huh?

Oh, come in. Come in.

Keep up the good work, Dave. And remember, this toy business is dog -eat

Fortunately, I happen to have the right type of dog, huh?

I'll be with you gentlemen in a moment.

After all, I got you into this in the first place.

Why do you think I'm hesitating?

Joe, I would fire you in a minute if you weren't my nephew.

Now, what can I do for you, gentlemen?

Mr. Albert, I'm a reporter, and I'm doing a feature story on the modern and

ingenious toys that are being made these days.

Now, who's he?

Oh, um, I'm his cameraman.

You've come to the right place. We really make quality stuff here.

Yes, well, this looks like a very interesting toy.

No publicity on this one. Not till we get it on the market.

Well...

Picture of the king of the space toys. Don't you, Tim? Picture?

Picture, yes.

That's a splendid idea. Now, if you don't mind standing right over here.

Perhaps if we had him fold his arms.

Oh, yes, yes. I think that would accomplish our goal.

That's it. Now, fold them and look at the camera.

That's it. This way. Look this way.

Got it. Good. Superb.

Well, I think we have what we want. Thanks very much, King. Uh, Mr. Albert?

Not at all.

Not at all, gentlemen.

And keep your eyes open for our latest space toy. It's going to be really big.

Well, it's amazing how big these things can become. And who knows when it will

happen.

Go now.

Thank you. No, no.

Just call me Raffles O 'Hara.

If I were you, I wouldn't take up crime as a full -time career, Tim.

This is not my spaceship.

You sure?

My ship would hardly be stamped manufactured by Jolly Toys.

Don't blame yourself, Tim.

Who could have known he'd duplicated already?

Yeah.

Actually, he's sort of cute, you know.

Cute.

Tim, that man stole the aerodynamic design of my spaceship. How could he do

thing like that?

How do you think he became king of the space toys?

Speaking of stolen goods, do you know where we can get a fence to get rid of

this hot spaceship we've absconded with?

That's no problem.

And for our real problem, to find the men's locker room.

The men's locker room?

Mm -hmm. Ah.

My spaceship is somewhere in this factory. We'll have to search all of it.

but we're in this. Who's going to stop us?

Hey, you!

He is.

Look at the way you work here.

You both look pretty puny, but I need you in shipping. There's a rush order.

I guess we look like we work here. It's all right, Tim. We have to start

somewhere.

Or did they duplicate your ship? Remember, imitation is the sincerest

flattery. But in this case, as you Earth people say, who needs it?

We worked all night making these. Now all you have to do is put them on a

conveyor belt.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What'd you expect? This ain't a marshmallow factory, you know.

with these shoddy copies.

Oh, well, this is hopeless, Uncle Martin. We can't go through all of these

boxes. That's not necessary, Tim. When something goes wrong, my ship is

programmed to respond to a certain tone by repeating that tone.

All that's required is to hum in A -flat.

You're putting me on. No, no, no, no, I'm not. Like this.

Hum.

Ah.

Not so low.

Hum.

Now, why don't you have perfect pitch like I have? Now, listen carefully.

people working here to be jolly but you ain't

gonna be working here if you don't get them boxes moving sir right away sir

don't fire sir we need this job sir i'll be down the loading

Keep them moving, Tim, or our oversized foreman will throw us out before I can

find my ship.

You sure can move.

Well, it's just a question of knowing how.

What are you saying?

You got those boxes loaded from the other room?

Other room?

My spaceship.

My spaceship, Tim. There it goes. Where? On its way to Lacey's department store.

Okay, take her away.

The foreman's coming.

Until you move the rest of the boxes.

Oh, gladly.

Not those.

Those.

May I ask what you're doing?

Oh, I'm just checking on the new stock, Miss, uh, Turner.

When were you assigned to my department, Mr., uh... O 'Hara. I just arrived.

And may I say it's a pleasure to be associated with such a young and

department head.

The last time I heard flattery like that was the last time we had a new male

clerk.

But I do need a man around here.

Glad to oblige. I'll take care of these. No, no, that top shelf over there, that

needs straightening.

You'll find a ladder in the corner.

Oh.

Oh,

look at these, dear. Aren't they nice? May I help you?

Oh, I promised Edgar that if he was very good for a whole 24 hours, he could

pick out any toy he wanted.

Didn't I, Edgar?

Yeah. And the 24 hours are up.

I'm sure Edgar would enjoy one of our new flying saucers. Give me it.

I'll just write up the order.

Your name is Mrs... Mrs... Mrs...

I'm sorry. I'll have to get another pencil. I'll be right back.

May I be of some assistance?

Oh, well, that young lady was taking care of us. But we are in a hurry. My

little boy wants this toy.

Oh. Are you certain this is the one you want, young man?

Yeah.

Well, I'm afraid this is the display model.

Well, that's the one I want. Give it!

Now, Edgar, don't make a scene.

Let the man have his toy.

You'll get a better one. And then I'll buy you a nice ice cream cone, all

No.

Do you realize how hung up I got that?

Don't be angry, sir. I have the flying saucer that you reserved. It's right

here. Flying saucer I reserved? There it is right there. I reserved that saucer?

Give me my saucer, little boy.

I will not. I want this one.

Please, Edgar. Wouldn't you rather have one of those rocket launchers? They're

twice as big as this.

So what? This one's growing.

I'll take that, sonny.

What's going on here?

I want my flying saucer and he's trying to take it.

That's my shin.

That's my flying saucer. You shouldn't have done that, Edgar.

Especially when mother was going to buy so many nice things.

Well, sir, we have plenty more in stock.

Yes, but how do I know they're as good as this one? No, miss, I want this one.

I have the solution.

Whoever can pay for it can have it.

$4 .98.

Well, that sounds fair.

Look, that's funny.

I can't find my wallet.

Oh, yes. Well, in that case, I guess it's mine.

I assume you love my...

Wall of my own brothel.

I didn't have my credit card.

In that case...

Well,

in that case, here's $5.

Keep the change.

Your clerk gave him the money.

Lacey's new policy, anything to keep the customer happy. I'll give it to me

again. You have to give him something for it. That's the only way you'll get

to listen.

Maybe with you, madam, but not with me. If you don't, I yell.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Because you don't care.

On the contrary, I do care. About you and your mother.

And as for you, madam, as a great poet once said, less or more care you for the

child, not what the child cares for.

Shall we go?

What great poet wrote that?

Me.

Go ahead and yell.

A few

seconds more and I would have been a bit crowded in here.

Wouldn't you say that we still have just a little problem?

How are we going to get this thing home?

People aren't used to seeing spaceships floating down the street. They're going

to wonder.

You're right, Tim.

All right, it's an advertising gimmick. So what?

Well, it's a nice day for kite flying.

As I said to Nathaniel Hawthorne when he was writing the purloined... letter.

Nat, the best place to hide something is in plain sight.

Uncle Martin, look, I know you have to take the ship up for some test hops now

that you've got it back, but would you do me one little favor?

Don't use that crazy reducing machine anymore. Start using yogurt. Not yogurt,

Tim. A double portion of lobster thermidor with sour cream on top of the

potato. That is the Martian way to lose weight? That's anybody's way of putting

on weight.

I want you to take a look at me now.

I have lost five pounds with all this running around.