Original subtitles

Earth children are born without their faculties fully developed.

Hold it.

Continue, please.

Therefore, I suggest all children be defrozen until they reach the age of

reason, at which time they can be thawed and Uncle Martin!

Well, you can't do that. Deep freeze children.

Of course you can, Tim. You merely reduce the body temperature.

No, no, no. That's not what I mean. I mean, that is a terrible idea.

On the contrary, Tim. It's a practical solution to the problem. Now, to

continue... I, um... I thought you liked children.

I do. My suggestion to deep freeze them is strictly for their own benefit.

Turning them into popsicles?

That you consider a benefit?

You are missing the point, Tim.

As your earth children do not have full faculties, they cannot be productive.

All they can do is play.

Seeing adults accomplish things and themselves not, there is self

-dissatisfaction, frustration, unhappiness. By suspending animation

child can become fully productive, we spare them the unhappiness.

Uh -huh.

And on Mars, I suppose you deep freeze the young ones?

Martian children are born adults.

They are spared the ordeal of childhood.

The ordeal of childhood?

Well, maybe you consider it an ordeal, but we don't. All right, so there's

crying need for this world to have mud pies and hopscotch. But still, that is

reason to turn your children into ice cubes.

For example, what do you do on Mars when company comes over? Does Mama go over

to the ice bucket and say, see the baby?

That isn't the way it's done, and it happens to be an intelligent approach to

the problem. Well, there isn't any problem. There certainly is a problem.

is not. There is a problem.

Now look what you've done.

I've done?

Yes, you've done. You've fed the machine a mass of contradictions, and it's had

a nervous breakdown.

Well, maybe we can find a psychiatrist who services typewriters. That is not

funny. Oh, all right, maybe it isn't. But I still think you miss an awful lot

not having children around who act like children. Well, you do. You miss the

normalcy, the little...

You were saying...

What's the temperature?

142. It's normal.

No thanks to that poor, unhappy little child.

Well, now, how do you know he was unhappy?

Well, how do you? I mean, you were the one that told me that when Martians were

born, they were adults, so you never were a child. As a matter of fact, you

don't even know what childhood is really like.

You know, I wish you'd been with me the other day when I went over to the

children's home to do this article on their out -care program.

Maybe if you had a little personal contact with children.

Well, this...

was personal enough, thank you.

Uncle Martin, do you realize that you are drawing conclusions without any

research? That is very unscientific. No, seriously. I'll bet you'd change your

report in a minute if you knew what childhood was really like. I doubt it,

just might take you up on that bet.

If I had a specimen to observe.

A specimen?

Oh, now, you don't mean a child.

Unless we're talking about pollywogs, of course I mean a child.

The question is, where would I get one?

Why don't you look in the pink and blue pages of your telephone book?

Look in the pink and blue pages of the phone book.

Smart aleck.

I'll show him who's unscientific and who's right.

Your nephew's newspaper article has certainly made our out -care program a

success, Mr. O 'Hara. In fact, we're having trouble supplying all the

who are wanted for weekends.

Well, then you don't have one for me.

Well, Doris is still here, but... Nobody seems to want her.

A terribly unhappy child, no doubt.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say... I'll take her.

Well, I'm afraid it's not quite that simple.

There are certain requirements.

For one thing, there has to be a Mrs... On the premises?

Well, there most certainly is. And you couldn't ask for a nicer woman.

Oh.

Why didn't she drive out with you this morning?

Well, she's very, very busy with some brownies.

A den mother.

How lovely.

Well, knowing your nephew as I do, and now that I've met you, I think we can

you take Doris.

However, I must warn you, she's... Say no more. Just leave me to the poor,

unhappy little creature.

I'll have someone show you to Doris's room.

Uh, Marie?

Will you show this gentleman to Doris's room, please?

Goodbye, Mr. O 'Hara. Have a nice weekend.

Oh, goodbye, and thank you very much. Yes.

Miss Ainslie?

Will you tell the investigator to add Doris's name to his checklist?

He can drop in on the O 'Haras any time.

Mm -hmm.

We're trying again.

But this time, I have a feeling everything's going to go smooth as pie.

I dropped it.

Obviously.

How come you're not mad?

Because I understand why you did it.

And how difficult it is to be a child in an adult world.

Now, if you'll get the dishes, we'll set the table for lunch.

You're just in time for lunch.

I, uh, I gather you're feeling better?

It is the proverbial fiddle.

Well, that's good.

Oh, Martin!

Watch the pie.

Oh, now, don't worry, Tim. Your clothes will clean all right. Of course, it will

be rather expensive to repair the car top.

Well, what happened to the car top?

Doris punched a hole in it.

But your golf club wasn't damaged too much.

My golf club?

That's what she used to punch the hole in the car top.

However, the side window's only got a little crack.

Uncle Martin. She's belligerent because she's unhappy, Tim. Deep freezing would

spare her this unhappiness. Oh?

I suppose you've already turned her into a popsicle.

Don't be ridiculous. She's in the garden. Why?

Well, I'm going to take her back.

Nonsense. I've just begun to prove my point.

Uncle Martin, you can't have a child.

Of course not.

No, no, no. That's not what I mean. What I mean is this.

When you take a child, an investigator comes around to ask all kinds of

questions, questions that I know you cannot answer.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to call the home right now

and tell them to take Doris back.

Too late.

It's only Mrs. Brown.

I'll get River.

These are for you.

Oh, they're lovely. Thank you very much, Mrs. Brown. Oh, but they're not for me.

Your little visitor gave them to you. Oh, she probably thinks I'm allergic to

roses and is getting even with the adult world.

Ding -a -ling, Uncle Martin?

Oh, I'm on it on the phone.

Goodbye, Mrs. Brown.

I'm not in a hurry.

Of course you're not.

Mr. O 'Hara, I presume.

I'm from the orphanage. Where Doris is from.

Charming.

Oh, this is my nephew, Tim.

How do you do?

And I suppose this lovely lady is the light of my life.

Martin, I'm speechless.

Let's keep it that way.

Oh, and a kitty -kitty -coo to you, too.

I do like to see an affectionate couple.

Well, obviously, there's nothing for us to worry about here.

A lovely home and a loving couple.

So, carry on. And do have a goody -good weekend.

We certainly will. Bye.

Bye.

Goodbye, Mrs. Brown.

What happened to the kitty -kitty -coo?

Want to try?

Of course not.

But, uh... But if you insist, huh?

How about that?

Always the one that has to get shot. Well, you've got the black hat.

Well, good night, Lady Guinevere.

Good night, Sir Lancelot, and thank you for saving me from the fiery dragon.

Ah, trust nothing, lady. I slay dragons all the time.

You're fun.

You're fun, too.

I wish... What?

Never mind.

Go ahead.

What do you wish for, a pony?

A day at the beach? A visit to the circus?

I wasn't wishing for me. I was wishing for you.

For me?

Mm -hmm.

I was wishing that you weren't a grown -up and we could go on fighting dragons

and building magic castles.

But I guess that's too silly for grown -ups.

Oh, I don't know about that.

We grown -ups even do sillier things.

Good night, Princess.

Glenevere wasn't a princess.

She was a lady.

You're a lady and a princess.

Well, Doris, she's gone.

Oh.

Why would she... Oh, she saw your report. Now, did you make notes on her?

I feel awful, Tim.

Why do I feel so awful?

Oh, I don't know. That's because your involvement with her is purely

I could live so long.

No sign of her out in the back. Not up front here.

Yeah, hello.

Hello, Mrs. Perkins.

What?

What? What, what?

I'll be fine, Mrs. Perkins.

Bye, Mrs. Perkins.

What's the matter?

Well, Mrs. Perkins is coming over to pick up Doris at 8 o 'clock. You know,

too bad you didn't deep freeze her. All we'd have to do now is thaw her out.

That is not cricket.

All right, I'm sorry. You're right.

We don't have any time to waste. Come on, we've got to find her.

What are you doing?

I'm utilizing my supersonic electro -detector. I can pick up human electron

vibrations when my thought processes are attuned to the subject in question.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Are you trying to tell me that you can locate Doris?

Well, I'm afraid it's not quite that simple, Tim.

The detector merely guides me in the general direction.

We're definitely on the right track.

Boy, it looks like it's going to pour.

Gee, I wonder if she could have headed for the old Miller place.

The old Miller place?

Yeah, it's about a half mile ahead.

Of course, no one lives up there now.

It's supposed to be haunted.

Hey, that's not exactly the best place for a kid to try and take refuge.

Maybe we better get the car and drive back up there, huh? Hold it, Tim.

She might not have reached the Miller place yet.

I suggest we leave the car here, split up, with you taking the back way and me

taking the front way on foot.

Now, we can both meet at the Miller place once we've scoured the half mile

ahead. Well, look, you go ahead and start. I'll catch you up to the top of

car first.

Doris!

Uncle Martin?

Uncle

Martin?

Now, what in the world made him do that?

I know I'm no raving beauty, but... Well...

As I live and breathe.

Tim, it's me, Uncle Martin. Uncle Martin.

You're... You're... I know, like something off the label of an iodine

What happened?

I was struck by a bolt of lightning on the way here.

Receiving all that excess power overloaded my generating system.

That, in turn, knocked out my positive photoelectric cells, leaving me in the

negative form, much like your x -rays.

Oh, that's just great. Well, what do we do now? Take it out to a hardware store

and have them rewire you?

Tim, this is no time for levity.

Time is running out, and we still have to find Doris.

Well, I didn't see hide in her hair on the way here.

She's in this house somewhere.

My detector registered 1 ,000 milliseconds as soon as I got inside.

Boy, that's a relief.

Hey, just a second.

You can't run around and let her see you like that. In your condition, you'd

scare her half to death. You're right.

You'll have to locate the main power switch to give me the positive recharge

I'll need.

Uncle Martin, no one has lived in this house for ten years. None of the power

on. Then we'll simply have to improvise. We'll try the electric fluid theory.

It's rather simple, really.

Each body contains two electrical fluids which are self -repulsive yet mutually

attractive. By our acting at opposite poles, we'll make a positive and

We'll have to work fast.

Doris, she's about to come downstairs.

Well, come on. Run up the old antennas and disappear.

I'm afraid I can't in the condition I'm in.

Quick, get out of sight.

I'll hide in the closet and try to get her back upstairs without frightening

too much.

before Doris... We're in luck. I found it in the closet. Come on.

The boosters and power lines are there, right over the master switch.

With the power off, it's safe for you to pull the lines out so we can wire

ourselves up.

Right.

What was that for?

We'll need some generating source to spark us.

You're going to use a rug as a generator?

Most carpets and rugs can serve as one if you rub your feet across them.

Grab the other wire and start rubbing.

Hands out, facing each other.

All right, Tim, throw the main switch.

All right. I sort of feel like a warden in Sing Sing.

before I knew any children or what it was like to be a child.

I made a mistake.

You did not.

It's awful to be a child.

How can you say that?

Didn't we have fun together?

Slaying dragons and building magic castles?

But you really didn't want to do all those things.

You just wanted to study me like a worm.

No.

Like a child.

And like a child, you trusted me.

I let you down, Doris. And I'm sorry.

You know, it's a funny thing.

But adults always think that they give so much to children when it's children

who do the giving.

You gave me a lot, Doris.

Me? You gave me a taste of the joys of childhood.

And I thank you for that.

I did that?

You did.

But what about your report?

I no longer feel the way I did when I wrote that report.

It's not children who need to be frozen, but adults who need to be defrosted.

Now what would you say about a nice double scoop banana split?

With loads of chocolate syrup and marshmallow and nuts and cherries.

Uncle Martin, what about Mrs. Perkins?

Well, we'll invite her along.

After all, Tim, we're one lady short.

I've got my date, but you'll need one.

Some

people

just don't know how to keep house.

See you next Saturday.

and next time I get the white hat, okay?

I doubt it. Well, good night.

Goodbye.

Tim, would you mind taking some dictation? Why, yes, sir, yes, sir.

Martian report number one.

Martian report one.

Subtitle.

A recommendation to the Interplanetary Correlative and Explorative Society that

they examine the possibility of establishing a period of childhood for

children. And a recommendation to Earth people that after achieving maturity,

each adult receive childhood shots so that they will never forget what it is

be a child.

What's the matter, Tim?

Nothing, nothing. I was just thinking.

You know, you are my favorite Martian.