Original subtitles

sprinkle on a cup of chopped walnuts, put them in a hot oven, and just sit

and wait.

Evaluation negative.

Discard.

What was that?

Well, that was my intercerebral information evaluator.

Huh? The human brain is capable of retaining approximately 300 million

individual images.

We Martians, of course, have a much greater capacity.

But even so, it is not limitless.

Periodically, therefore, we use our intercerebral information evaluator to

discard useless knowledge.

Laura Lee's fudge brownies recipe, for example.

Hey, how about that?

Holy smoke. If I forget to get to work on time again, my editor is going to

remember to fire me. Would you care to join me for breakfast?

Oh, you go ahead, Tim. I can't clear my head on a full stomach.

Evaluation indeterminate.

Retain for corollary information.

Martin, I think Detective Brennan is beginning to like you. He spent the

evening just talking about you and asking questions.

Evaluation indeterminate.

Retain for corollary information.

Detective Brennan?

Oh, he's out of town, Martin.

He said he had to check up on a very suspicious character.

Evaluation. You're in big trouble.

Uncle Martin, don't forget to pick me up tonight. Maybe Jean Carson can take me

to work, but I told her you'd pick me up.

Uncle Martin?

What's so interesting about Mrs. Brown's house?

Detective Brennan, he's closing in.

Closing in, he has documentary proof that one Martin O 'Hara does not now or

ever did, in fact, exist.

Do you mean that he is investigating you? Mr. Brennan is one of those

unfortunate individuals who cannot believe his own eyes. He must have it in

writing.

Fortunately,

I had the foresight to bring a benevolence bulb with me from Mars.

What kind of bulb?

Benevolence. It permeates us Martians with a lightning glow.

Now, wait a minute.

Do you mean that that little gadget is going to make Brennan like you?

Mm -hmm. It made George Washington like Benedict Arnold.

Temporarily. All right, Tim. Turn it on.

Wish to see me?

O 'Hara, for some time now, I've been collecting documentary evidence that

you... That you are indubitably one of the noblest gentlemen

that ever walked the earth.

O 'Hara, I like you.

Well, thank you, Mr. Brennan. Bill!

All my friends call me Bill.

Well, I shall deem it a privilege.

Just put on a fresh pot of coffee. I insist that we go downstairs and drink

our everlasting friendship.

Mrs. Brown. Oh, Tim, why didn't you come down with...

All

I said was good morning, and she slapped me. I told you not to fool around with

the benevolence bulb.

Well, it didn't make Mrs. Brown very benevolent. Well, that's what I've been

trying to tell you. Because of systemic differences, the bulb has a completely

opposite effect on earthlings.

Instead of a light -me glow, it permeates you with a hate -me glow. A

glow? Exactly.

Until and unless I can find the Florencium and restore you to normal,

is going to loathe you on sight.

Oh, now, come on, Uncle Martin. With my personality? Even automation couldn't do

that. Mrs. Brown seems to have resisted that vaunted personality of yours.

Imogene's here.

I am off to the office. See you later.

Tim. Tim, wait a minute.

Imogene, as always, you look lovely this morning.

Boy, you weren't kidding about that hate me call.

I just went down to meet Imogene. I was down at the car. Well, as soon as I

walked up... You wouldn't dare.

Don't be alarmed, Tim. This isn't for you.

I'll need it to dig out the florencium.

Oh. Well, I just don't understand it.

I mean, I don't look any different.

You're still handsome, lovable.

Any questions?

You don't hate me, do you? You still like me, don't you?

I'm forcing myself.

Uncle Martin, how long is it going to take for this thing to wear off, this

me glow?

Well, I don't know.

Florentium hasn't been discovered on Earth yet.

But when I was landing on your planet, my mineral detector indicated a deposit

not too far from here in the desert. If I'm lucky, I can find it in a few hours.

If not, it may take several days.

But isn't there something you can give me temporarily, like an aspirin?

No. The only similarity between a headache and the hate me glow... is that

both wear off eventually.

How eventually?

Well, at a rough estimate, I would say 100 to 110 years.

I can hardly wait.

Precisely. On a Martian, the effects of the benevolence bulb dissipate within a

few hours. But, of course, you earthlings lack our great stamina,

intellect, and strength of character.

Not to mention your extreme modesty.

I might warn you that even I am not... completely unaffected by your hate -me

-glow. I could learn to dislike you with only a minimum effort.

Uncle Martin!

Today is the interview!

What interview? I told you, the young executive training program.

Look, the sun is diversifying. They are taking young men out of the organization

and training them as executives.

Mr. Phelps is going to interview me himself.

If the publisher sees you in this condition, you'll be fortunate if he

demotes you to junior assistant pencil sharpener.

Martin, this interview means my whole career.

Tim, if I don't get that florencium, your whole career will consist of

in bread lines.

Now stay away from Mr. Phelps, or I assure you, you will be unemployed.

Yeah, but I'll go, Martin, you...

Why did I ever

have to get involved with a Martian?

I'll say one thing.

If I ever run across a Martian again, I'm going to keep right on running.

I'm not going to get involved.

Good

morning,

Mr. Phelps' office.

Ah, hello, Debbie.

This is Tim.

Well, Tim, it's good to hear your voice.

So you're sick, huh? Nothing trivial, I hope.

Oh, no.

Not on the phone, too.

Now, Debbie, don't believe what you're thinking.

Good morning, Mr. Phelps. Good morning, Miss Thomas.

That gold -brick O 'Hara from the newsroom is trying to weasel out of his

appointment. Debbie, what are you saying? Listen, don't listen to her, Mr.

Phelps. Debbie, will you put Mr. Phelps on the phone? No, no, no, no, don't put

him on the phone.

Mr. Phelps wishes me to inform you he'll call at your home this evening for the

interview. He's as much interested in the private lives of his applicants and

sickness as he is in health.

What? Now, listen, Debbie. Listen, Debbie, you don't know what you're

I'm telling you one thing right now. Don't let Mr. Phelps come over here.

Debbie, don't hang up.

Debbie, don't.

Debbie.

Debbie?

Do you have a listing for the Foreign Legion?

Let me go by, will you?

Look, my boss is coming over here, and if he sees me, I'm going to get fired.

Well,

you don't want me to get fired, do you?

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you let me go by, I'll get you a bone or something really nice to chew on.

Why, aren't you the friendly one?

What is the meaning of this?

Well, Mrs. Brown, it was just an idea to keep my boss from coming inside. I'm

afraid if he sees me... He'll fire me. Well, I should certainly think he would.

I'm going to put this down on the lawn where more people can see it. But I

mean it. Well, I do.

That's the first decent idea you've had since you've moved in here.

I shall expect you to vacate the premises within 24 hours.

Uncle Martin, wherever you are, will you please come home before you haven't got

a home to come home to?

Hello, City Pound?

I would, uh, I'd like to report a vicious dog downstairs. He won't let me

my house.

I did not kick him.

Well, I don't care what I sound like.

I have never kicked a dog in my life.

Investigate me for what?

Cruelty to animals?

But I didn't... Well, I know their laws.

Now, listen to me.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm trying to get that little dog from the front to the back so

that I can go out the front.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin, you're home.

No, I'm not. I'm out in the desert about five miles east of Palm Bay.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.

What do you mean it wouldn't have worked? It was working fine until you...

the forces of mental telepathy audio.

On Mars, we abbreviate it to MTA.

It's merely another manifestation of our superior Martian intellect.

Really? Well, it's that same superior Martian intellect that got me into this

the first place.

Would you mind reversing it and getting me out of it?

I'm doing the best I can.

But it isn't easy trying to locate this Florencium for you with Brennan

breathing down my neck.

Now, it'd be important to you, but $50 is important to me. After all, I work

a living.

And we have to do what?

For the time being, no one can stand the sight of you, including Mr. Phelps.

Ergo, in order to protect our livelihood, you'll have to disguise

someone else.

Really?

Any suggestions?

Martin? Uncle Martin?

Oh, no, no, I'm not my uncle. I mean, Tim's uncle.

I'm in no way related to that handsome, young, charming, sophisticated... I'm

taking that back. I'm supposed to be somebody else. All right, handsome,

despicable Tim O 'Hara. Who are you hiding from? What detestable thing have

done? I haven't done anything I'm trying to keep from getting fired.

I just simply don't understand.

All day long, I couldn't wait to see you.

To apologize.

All right, I forgive you, Imogene. Now give back my mustache and get out of

before Phelps gets here. You let go of me, you beast.

You are looking at a desperate man.

Oh, Mrs. Brown, will you please get that dog out of here?

like to explain about this.

Former employment.

Yes, you called into Castle on an extremely important interview with me,

I see you're preparing to go out to a masquerade.

Will you stand still when I'm talking to you?

Oh, Hera, if I didn't dislike you so

intensely, I'd try to be fair with you, but... What is this?

It's a dog. What?

Well, you see, he's terribly fond of me. He follows me everywhere I go.

You know, I'm strongly...

Listen, I've learned more than that. From now on, no more artificial aids.

from here on in, people are just going to have to like me for myself.

But then again, neither are you as contemptuous or despicable as I was

You'd better stay in your present position as a reporter, for the time

least.

was a sausage.

Well, don't wait up for me tonight, Uncle Martin. I may not decide to

Imogene until about two or three o 'clock.

You're not going to use that benevolence bulb again?

Mm -hmm.

But not on myself, Tim.

I contemplate forestalling Mr. Brennan's further attempts to prove that I do not

exist. You're going to use that on him?

That'll give him a hate me glow like it did to me.