Original subtitles

Come on now, Linda, stop that. Come on, huh?

Oh,

Cleo.

Oh, come on now, Cleo.

Off you go.

You're not the one I thought you were.

Go on.

Go on.

That's the girl.

Oh, now, come on, Cleo. Go find yourself another rabbit. But I'm not a rabbit,

Tim.

Oh, Mrs. Brown.

I'm sorry I woke you up, but I wanted to know if you had a date for the

masquerade party tonight.

Tonight?

It's tonight?

Of course. It says so right on the ticket.

Policeman's Masquerade Ball tonight.

Oh, Mrs. Brown, I'm afraid I got my days mixed up. I don't think I can get a

date this late. Oh, that's a shame. She would have had such a good time.

Oh, but you and Martin are still coming to my house for punch and fudge brownies

before we go.

That'll put us in a gay mood.

Crazy. You come back here.

Cleo, you come right back down here. Do you hear me?

What's the matter, Pammy?

Cleo ran away up into your apartment.

Oh? Well, I'll get her for you.

Thank you. Here, welcome.

Cleo?

Cleo, baby, come on now. Where are you?

Cleo?

Martin, have you seen Pammy Goodman's rabbit?

Oh, good. Where is it?

In the kitchen.

Don't go in there.

What happened?

I was preparing my vitamins, Martian style, when this little beast came

-hopping in.

And? And I dropped one on the floor, and before I discovered it, she had eaten

it.

Well, what did it do to her?

Oh, hello, Pammy.

What can I do for you? I want my rabbit.

Your rabbit? Yes, sir, my rabbit Cleo. She went into your house.

Oh, uh, this rabbit, can you describe her?

What does she look like? She look like a rabbit.

Oh, that's a fair start.

Now, uh, how big was she? She was just a regular -sized rabbit, like this.

No, no, I'm certain that there's no rabbit that size in our apartment.

You! Get off of me!

Excuse me, Tammy.

Uncle Martin!

Cleo, that's not a carrot. Will you get this cock -picking jackrabbit off of me?

He didn't mean it that way, Cleo. What do you mean? I didn't mean what what

You offended her when you called her jackrabbit. It's the same thing as

a thoroughbred racehorse a jackass. Well, she's big enough for that, too.

Cleo, please stop antagonizing her.

Antagonizing her? Look. She knocked me down, jumped on top of me, and then

started chewing on the back of my neck. Now, who is antagonizing who?

Whom. Whom.

It was nothing personal, Tim, but you may have to change your brand of hair

Apparently, it has a base of vegetable concentrate, which seems to attract

rabbits. Well, according to the commercials, it's supposed to attract

Cleo, you come back here.

Now, stay away from Cleo. Don't worry.

your problem, Cleo, but for the time being, we're all going to have to make

certain adjustments. Yeah? Well, the first adjustment you better make is on

king -size rodent. I mean, do you have any idea what Mrs. Brown would say if

found out that we had a six -foot rabbit as a house guest?

Mrs. Brown is not our problem at the moment.

Getting Cleo back to normal is.

Well, Mrs. Brown is going to be our problem. If we don't show up at her

tonight, she'll be up here wanting to know why.

Now, what are we going to tell her? That we couldn't find a rabbit sitter?

trouble with you, Tim, is that you worry about things that may never happen.

Now, run down to the supermarket and get a couple of bushels of carrots while I

see if I can undo the damage.

Right.

A couple of bushels of carrots?

Cleo's appetite has grown in direct proportion to her size.

Uncle Martin, um, what happens if you can't get her down to normal?

That will be an excellent time to start worrying.

Well, I can't wait!

I'm gonna start worrying now.

Cleo's appetite has grown in direct proportion to her size.

Boy, it's a darn good thing she didn't start out being an elephant.

There you are, Tim.

Did Martin find Pammy's little rabbit? Um, uh, yeah, no, he didn't, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, that's good, because I know just where to look for it. No, well, he's

busy now, Mrs. Brown, and I don't think he wants to be disturbed.

Oh, well, I'm not going to disturb him. I just want to find Pammy's rabbit.

That'll disturb him.

Come in, Mrs. Brown. Well, now, you see, Mrs. Brown, he said... Oh,

Martin, I was making some coleslaw for the party tonight, and right in the

middle of the cabbage, I remembered the pussycat.

I'll bet you anything that's where the rabbit is.

In the cabbage?

Oh, no, silly.

Behind the stove.

Well, I must confess, Laura Lee, it never occurred to me to correlate

with a pussycat, a rabbit, and a stove.

Well, the trouble with you is, Martin, that you don't think like a rabbit.

Nor like a pussycat.

Well, of course not. It really isn't your fault.

You see, I once had a pussycat, so I know.

The little thing used to hide behind the stove where it was all nice and snugly

and warm. And that's where the rabbit is.

Pardon me.

What did you do with the rat?

Lie down, you little bunny. Mrs. Brown is going to put you behind the stove.

She's hungry again. She smells the cabbage.

Cabbage?

What cabbage? The cabbage Laura Lee has been cutting to make coleslaw.

The center of it is on her hands and it's driving Cleo to distraction.

Oh? Well, if she doesn't like it there, I have a couple of other places I'd like

to drive her to.

Sure, she'd be there.

Yeah, well, that's the way it goes sometimes, Mrs. Brown. But next time we

a rabbit, we'll be sure and call on you.

Now, now, wait a minute.

Now, wasn't this table over here when I came in?

Oh, now, what made you think that?

We've always had it right here. Yeah, we like to keep it right next to the

cabbage kitchen.

Perhaps you became disoriented when you went in the kitchen, Laura Lee.

You see, before, you were standing there, and the table was here.

Now you're standing there, and the table is here.

Oh, yes. Well, maybe I did.

Oh, say, did you look under the couch?

Oh,

I guess she is a sinner.

Now, now, Martin, this time I'm positive that the table was not there.

Hmm, that's very interesting. A classic case of human fallout syndrome. Are you

familiar with his theories of intertertiary displacement?

Well, it happens occasionally with individuals of extremely high

that once they become disoriented, their sense of perspective remains

discombobulated for an indefinite length of time.

Oh, really?

Well, isn't that nice?

In the meantime, if I get any more ideas where Cleo might be, I'll let you know.

Now, don't forget 8 o 'clock at my house. I just hope I can recognize you

your costume.

Yeah, well, don't worry, Mrs. Brown. We'll be the only two there with a

twitch.

You're

breathing

on my antenna.

Now, hopefully I'm preparing an antidote for those vitamins you so foolishly

gulped down.

My vitamins obviously caused an expectation of your thyroid glands. And

hopeful that dysprosium in the antidote will counteract the effect and reduce

you to normal.

You don't have to understand it. You just have to drink it.

I don't care, Cleo. You're going to drink this stuff whether or not it

like burnt shoe leather.

Detective Brennan is calling on Mrs. Brown.

And he's a man who lives, breathes, and wallows in suspicion.

Hello, Pammy.

Hi.

Well, if it isn't Bill Brennan. Come on in.

Oh, did you find your rabbit, Pammy? No, ma 'am. Tim's uncle kidnapped her.

What did she say about O 'Hara?

He kidnapped her.

Panny thinks her rabbit went in Tim's apartment, and now Martin is holding her

for ransom or something.

Oh.

Oh, don't look so suspicious, Bill.

You know as well as I do that Martin wouldn't do anything that mean.

Yes, he would.

Excuse me.

bushels of carrots.

As a matter of fact, well,

you see what happened, Detective Brennan, is that Uncle Martin came up

theory that carrot juice was good for the eyesight and we're going to try it

out. Well, now, isn't that a coincidence?

Is it?

Dr. Strachmeyer evolved that same theory in Vienna 40 years ago.

Yeah, well, it's about time then that someone got around to proving Dr.

Strachmeyer. Strochmeyer.

Strochmeyer's theory, isn't it?

If that rabbit's up in that apartment, Pammy, I'll get it for you.

Uh, uh, uh, Detective Brennan, you mean, uh, uh, you're gonna be going upstairs,

sir?

Quick, quick, in the bedroom. If Brennan sees you like that, you'll end up under

a microscope.

And so will I.

Well, Mr. Brennan.

And to what mischance do I owe this unexpected visit? It would probably be

classified as investigating an overage juvenile delinquent.

In the vernacular of my profession, I'm looking for a hot rabbit.

Well, such fearlessness should not go unrewarded. That little girl downstairs

says her rabbit went into your apartment.

I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I came in and looked around. I most certainly

would.

You have something you don't want me to see.

Not at all. I simply resent implied accusations.

They whose guilt within their bosom lies imagine every eye beholds their blame.

Was it Ben Johnson who said, they that know no evil will suspect none?

You don't want me to go in?

No. All right.

You're within your legal rights.

But let me remind you, there's more than one way to skin a cat. Do Shakespeare

and Mark Twain write everything you say?

A search warrant?

A search warrant? Yeah. For a rabbit?

I doubt if he can get one before morning. But if he does, you and I are

stew, right along with Cleo.

Well, if you must know, I'm made up for a masquerade.

You most certainly may not go with us.

You can't mingle with people.

In your present condition, you can't even mingle with rabbits.

We are not being inhospitable.

We are being realistic.

And I might remind you that you haven't been exactly a little ray of sunshine

around here.

Oh,

shut up!

When you take a look and see what that rabbit did to this plant,

After two bushels of carrots. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were through.

Boy, I tell you, Uncle Martin, I can just feel Brennan's search word

down our necks.

If you know him, he will be over here at one minute after midnight.

Hey.

Uncle Martin, why do you keep stirring and playing with that thing? You've been

simmering it and coddling it and boiling it all day.

Tim, you can't boil a three -minute egg in a minute and a half.

Gee, that's what I like about you, Uncle Martin. Ask a simple question, get

directions how to boil an egg.

It's ready.

Where's Cleo?

Well, she was here just a minute ago, that batty bunny.

Cleo!

just our imagination.

Maybe it was the little people. I don't care how hungry you are, you can't dig

up the neighbor's garden.

Oh, yoo -hoo, Martin, Tim.

Hasta la vista, cha -cha -cha.

Oh, Tim, how nice. You got a date for the masquerade party, after all.

A date?

Yes, at the very last moment, as it were.

May I present Tim's friend, Miss, uh, Miss...

Cleopatra Jones.

How do you do, Miss Jones?

I'm Mrs. Brown.

Oh, what a darling costume.

Oh, I'll bet you're very attractive.

Why don't you take your head off so I can see your face? Oh, that's

She'd never get it back on.

What I mean is she just got one of those beehive hairdos.

Oh, I see. Well, then you just leave your head right where it is.

Come along with me and I'll start introducing you.

She's got a very bad cold.

We'll be along a little later, Laura Lee. We promised to take a picture of

Jones in a costume before the party, and all my equipment is upstairs.

Oh, all right, but hurry up now.

Now, Uncle Martin, look. I have been on dates with dogs, but I am not going to

take a rabbit to a masquerade party.

Uncle Martin.

Well, I must not have secured it very well.

Oh, do you like my costume, dear?

Oh, I think this hat is just priceless, don't you?

It's adorable.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin, please.

Tell me it wasn't Cleo, was it?

Please. Of course not.

I threw my voice.

You come along with me, dear. You can have your picture taken later.

Now, you run upstairs and get that antidote while I try to keep Cleo from

defoliating lorally.

Oh, no. With modern methods of criminal investigation, it's virtually impossible

to maintain an effective disguise for any length of time.

A trained detective can penetrate any disguise almost at a glance.

Oh, Bill.

I'd like you to meet Tim's date.

Cleopatra Jones, Miss Jones. This is Mr. Brennan. Pleasure is mine, Miss Jones.

Oh, she can't take off her head because she's got a beehive in it.

Oh,

there you are, O 'Hara.

A few hours from now, I'll be paying you a little visit about another rabbit.

Would you care for some punch, Miss Jones?

No, thank you.

Thank you.

and I'll introduce you to the other guest.

Miss Nielsen, I want you to meet Tim State, Cleopatra Jones.

Oh, I do hope you like my punch.

It's a recipe handed down from my grandmother's time, made of cranberries,

elderberries, and beets.

This young lady bit the moth. Yes, it was my idea. You see, I thought it might

be a rather clever idea for the masquerade. You might win first prize.

Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful if I did win first prize?

Oh, would you all excuse me for just a moment?

Tim wants to speak to Cleo.

Come along, dear.

Let's go. Come on, come on.

Oh, here, I'll take those.

Here, drink this up.

You can't stay six feet tall.

There's no room in this world for six -foot rabbits.

Hurry, I'm getting her to drink it before somebody comes in here.

I'm sorry, Pammy has never taken you to masquerade parties.

But there are just certain places that rabbits don't fit in.

Now listen to me, you dumb bunny. If you don't drink this stuff, I can't help

it.

Just a small lover's quarrel.

Oh, Bill, would you give these to the girls, please?

Oh, delighted.

How about you, Don? Would you like some more?

Jim, we've got to get Cleo back in the kitchen.

Time is running out. Well, what's the use? You can't get her to drink the

anecdote anyway.

Well, as Mr. Brennan so cleverly quotes Mark Twain...

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Huh?

Oh, I better make some more. I'll be right back, Don.

Hold it.

Would you mind telling me something? Where did that punch go?

From whence it came, back into the air by a process called evaporation.

I'll have more punch in just a moment.

May we help?

Oh, no, thank you. Not just yet.

What are you doing?

What Mr. Twain said about cats can also be applied to rabbits.

Oh, uh, Tim, did you get a chance to talk to Mr. Brennan about that? What?

Well, you remember, you were thinking of joining the police force.

I was?

Oh, I was! Yes, I was!

Well, I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was a little boy... I

always thought perhaps I'd like to be a policeman or maybe even a fireman. You

see, but I didn't really go along with it because I thought, well, it's sort of

silly because... I'd like to be a streetcar conductor.

Yes, but of course that was sort of stupid.

And if I've been a conductor, I wouldn't be able to drive one. So then I

thought, well, I think I'm going to go back and become a fireman. But I didn't

like that.

Excuse me.

And so I thought, well, then I'll become a policeman. That's what I've always

wanted to be anyway. And that's what I think I'll do.

Have you any idea what you're talking about?

No, no, but it doesn't really matter.

There, it's all ready.

Oh, Pammy's rabbit.

I wonder how she got here.

Well, don't just stand there, Bill. Don't you think you ought to take Cleo

to Pammy?

Well, she's probably been worried.

I tell you when to start worrying, and I never told you.

Oh, my, what a lovely evening.

Oh, it's a shame Miss Jones couldn't go to the ball.

Oh, well, she was very sorry, too, but you know how those sudden headaches are.

Yes, poor thing.

Well, hasta la vista.

Cha -cha -cha.

Oh, hey, how about that? You know, I got so excited when I ran upstairs, I

grabbed your vitamin pills and put them in my pocket.

Can I see you a minute?

You've been to a masquerade, haven't you? That's right.

Well, you know, you gave me an awful start. I saw that big rabbit come out of

your apartment.

You know, I live down the street here. My wife's been out of town for a few

days. I guess I got to thinking about things when I... Night.