Original subtitles

08 .03 a .m. and 16 seconds Pacific Standard Time.

08 .03 a .m. and 21 seconds Greenwich Mean Time.

04 .06 and 30 seconds Sidereal Space Time.

Eight bells nautical time. Which do you prefer?

I was thinking of bedtime.

I mean, don't you think it's time you knocked it off? Bedtime, bedtime.

I apologize for keeping you awake, Tim, but do you have any idea what I'm doing

here? Running on my electric bill.

I'm on the verge of finding the solar wind deviations on the equinoctial path

through the Van Allen Belt.

Well, that sounds thrilling.

Don't you think you ought to hit the sack? You haven't slept for two whole

I know, but I've got to finish my calculations before the cosmic

changes.

If I can find the answer, I'll be able to make it to Mars even on short fuel

with the coasting probability of 20%. But you...

Oh,

boy, I must be more bush than I thought I was.

You know, for a minute there, you got fuzzy. I was seeing double. You saw a

double image of me?

Yeah. I think I ought to go to bed.

No, no, not you, Tim.

Oh, boy, I had no idea I was that exhausted.

I'm the one who had better get right to bed.

This could be serious.

Oh, now, wait just one second.

And let me get it straight.

I saw a double because you're tired, not me. Mm -hmm.

Exactly. Oh.

Ask a foolish question.

Say, Uncle Martin, I'm sorry, but I am still confused. You mean what I saw was

Martian safety valve at work?

Precisely. To combat fatigue.

You see, Martians have a complete conscious brain and body and a complete

subconscious brain and body.

The molecular structure is intermingled.

You were seeing both.

I guess it's true what they say about Martians, then. Having two heads.

Much as I hate to admit it, yes.

But it only happens when deep fatigue and overwork have weakened the conscious

brain.

At those moments, the subconscious tries to emerge and assert itself in an

effort to escape and relax.

Oh, there's a marvelous article in my first aid book I could let you read if

you're interested, Tim.

Why didn't I think of that?

Well, did you get everything you need?

Yeah, piping paper, adding machine tape, set of screwdrivers.

But as long as we have the market, don't you want to stop and get some

groceries? No, no, they're on sale at the drugstore.

Pierre!

Well, hey, give me five, pal.

I beg your pardon, five what?

Five what?

Get him.

Pierre, you bust me up.

Well, I'm afraid you'll have to put yourself back together again, sir. I am

Pierre. What? You mean to tell me that you and me didn't hit every joint on the

strip last night? You know, the bongos, the watusi, them two wild chicks.

Sir, I know nothing about poultry.

You've obviously made a mistake.

Okay.

That's the way you want it?

what was that all about exactly my question

I thought it would be a good idea to get to bed early tonight.

It's a good idea. I was going to suggest it myself.

I know. Oh, that's right. Well,

I'll see you later. I have a great date with a cute little... A run -along.

Oh, I was going to show you my latest findings, but obviously you aren't

interested in figures.

Only if they're 36 -20 -36.

Why that combination?

Does it have a special significance to you?

Uncle Martin, if you ever find a way back to Mars...

Please don't take me with you

Oh, Flossie.

Oh, sweetie.

Pussycat. This is your own Pierre speaking.

Mm -hmm. I will pick you up in a century, darling. A century for me, an

you.

Darling, we are here.

A lazy, ticky room at your petite pussycat foot.

Pierre, when you talk to me like that, I could just swoon.

Or something.

Mmm, your perfume, beautiful one. Following you to this booth in the trail

such heady fragrance, I am overcome.

Oh, do you really like it? It's called Cream of Paris and you can buy it at all

the nice places, like Schwab's.

Oh, eat still.

No, no, no, no, no. Such eyes as yours and such limpid pools.

They should not look upon anything so commonplace as a menu.

Well, that's all right, honey.

I'm wearing my contact lenses.

You've got to be kidding.

This has got to be an act.

It is a act.

Well, I won't miss a bar show.

I'm so glad we came here, honey. I just adore Italian food.

Oh, Davy, baby.

Pierre.

Oh, no.

Not again.

David, what is it? I was looking for you.

This afternoon you said you wasn't Pierre, okay?

You ain't Pierre.

Oh, David, this is Flossie.

Uncle Martin!

Uncle Martin, what are you doing here?

Martin. Martin, my uncle. Oh, come on, stop kidding, Uncle Martin. But I am

Pierre. You mean you're not Martin O 'Hara?

You're Martin O 'Hara.

You ain't Pierre?

But I am Pierre.

Davy, you know me. Remember last night, the Watusi, the Bongo.

Oh, that couldn't be my Uncle Martin.

To him, Lawrence Welk's too far out.

Good morning, Tim.

Oh, good morning, Uncle Martin. Have you been more rested?

Somewhat. Well, whatever I dreamt last night, I must have enjoyed it.

My palms feel as if I've been applauding all night.

I can't get over it.

Can't get over what?

You.

Me? Well, not exactly you. But there was this guy I ran into last night.

And you look so much alike that I was waiting for him to levitate the check

night long.

You mean some lucky chap bears a slight resemblance to me?

Not slight. The spitting image.

Tim. I'd appreciate it if you'd please find another adjective when you're

referring to my image.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, but you should have seen this

character. He was really a weird guy.

I mean, well, he had this phony accent, you know, and this good -looking blonde.

And when he started to play the bongos... The bongos?

Yeah. And the name of the restaurant you were at, was it... The Tiki Room?

You're reading my mind. No, no, no.

I read the match cover I found in my dresser drawer.

At least I hope I played the bongos brilliantly. Oh, you were great.

You? You're Pierre?

Hmm.

So he's calling himself Pierre this time.

He? He who? He who what? What are you talking about? When a Martian needs rest

and doesn't get it, his subconscious brain and body materializes the moment

falls asleep.

It goes off on its own, seeking relaxation.

You mean every time you go to sleep?

Uh, he, it, he goes out and has a ball? On Mars, all work and no play makes Jack

a playboy.

Well, don't look so worried about it, Uncle Martin. I mean, you should have

that blonde you were with last night.

My conscious mind should do half as well as your subconscious mind. Tim, Pierre

is an incurable romantic.

His uninhibited little frolics could point right to me.

I've got to find out what he's been up to. Well, how do you do that? Wait till

the end of the month and then just see what's chalked up against your credit

card?

This could be an answer coming in right now.

Hi. Hi, Pete. Pete?

Uh, it is lethal for Pierre.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Pierre.

Oh, uh, Tim, this is, uh...

Flossie is a big, big brother.

He sure, sure is.

And this is my nephew, Tim.

Hey, that's funny. You'll be calling me Uncle Harold.

Crazy. That's how come I dropped by.

It was in such a hurry, I didn't get a chance to see what kind of guy is going

to sweep my little sister into the arms of holy matrimony.

You wish to find out what kind of a fellow I really am.

Yeah, like I play pro football. What do you do for a living?

Hey, it's a nice apartment.

What's that for?

You ask what I do for a living.

You have never

heard of Pierre the Great?

No. Perhaps you did not understand.

I intend to use my wife in the act.

You mean you're going to throw those knives at my little sister?

Oui.

Well, that settles it, then. You're the only man for her.

She's been trying to make it in show business for years.

I'll see you tomorrow night, and I'll bring the ladder. Ladder?

Well, who ever heard of eloping without a ladder?

Eloping? Well, you said you didn't want a big wedding.

Oui, oui.

Ah, see you tomorrow night. Nice to have met you, nephew. Yeah, goodbye.

Boy,

you talk about a fast operator. I am telling you that your subconscious could

take Elizabeth away from Essex.

He did.

I've got to think of some way out of this.

But I'm so tired.

And I can't even rest to refresh my thought processes.

Well, can't you just take a little nap?

Tim, if I so much as fall asleep for one second... That idiot lover Pierre will

emerge. Yeah, but he's not eloping until tomorrow night.

Once he materializes, he'll know what I'm trying to do.

He'll have her in Las Vegas and marry it in eight minutes.

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin. Now you're exaggerating. He can't make it in eight

minutes. In my spaceship.

Don't worry, Tim.

I'm wide awake.

Uncle Martin. Uncle Martin!

What? What's the matter? You fell asleep.

Oh. Oh, so I did.

But you know something, Tim? I feel remarkably refreshed. Really?

And I'll bet Pierre does, too. He's probably halfway up that ladder by now.

come on. Hurry up. We can catch him. We can get ahead of him.

What? Now, what do you mean, get ahead of the... Hey, aren't those silicon

memory pills?

Correct, Tim.

Each one programmed with millions of information units, guaranteed to make

walking encyclopedia.

Fine. But what does that have to do with breaking up Flossie and Pierre?

If my assumption is correct, I know what Pierre sees in that young lady.

One of these, and I'm sure we can change that faraway look in his eye. Well,

that's a very nice approach. I certainly hope that you know your subconscious.

Ah, Tim.

Who do you think instructed Dr.

Sigmund Freud?

Almost ready, darling pussycat, boonie.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Imagine, here comes the bride, and it's me.

Of course, my darling.

Ah, I will put this luggage in the car.

I'll be back in a minute, sweetheart.

Well, at least they haven't left yet.

Yeah. A bride would never leave without her luggage.

Sweetheart, who's he got, darling?

Have you been running outside and climbing in through the window with Zee

Don't be silly, silly.

must be wrong. It must need an adjustment.

Now what?

Oh,

well. I switched to manual.

Flossie!

Oh, real bubbles, Bill.

Only the best for you, my little pigeon, poopy,

bony squirrel.

A little toast.

Oh, no, thank you. The drink's enough.

A pussy logoge in the car.

Now, where is my little jelly donut, apple stewed ale, cream puff?

In a minute.

Oh, of course, darling. But what is my little éclair doing back there?

I'm just changing into something more suitable to the solemnity of the

Pardon, my little knockwurst.

What did you say?

I thought I made myself quite comprehensible.

We mustn't dissipate time.

in an attempt to communicate.

You a Flossie, my little cupcake?

Well, it took some doing, but I got your hotel reservations all set.

That won't be necessary.

I have been re -evaluating the prudence of such a significant liaison as we

contemplated and have decided in the negative.

Who said that?

She did.

I am truly sorry, Pierre.

It just can't be.

You see, after I finish my anthropological research, I shall fly

Lamberin to work hand in hand with the only man I could ever truly worship, Dr.

Schweitzer.

What have you done to my baby sister?

You trying to get out a mariner?

What's he done to you, honey?

I wouldn't do anything to hurt my little sparrow, my canary, my homing bear.

You, shut up!

That was a heinous demonstration of physical brutality and a manifestation

utter ignorance.

Flossie, don't say that to your brother.

I don't even know what it means.

Oh, gee, I can't even talk to my baby sister no more.

I mean, just think of the frustration if one can't find response to one's

abilities at expression.

Especially within one's own consanguineous group.

Oh, Harold.

Well, Uncle Martin, you look rested and refreshed.

And so I am.

The diversion created by Pierre took my mind off my work, which is all I really

needed. Well, let's hope we see the last of Joy Boy. We have, unless I allow

myself to become tense from overwork again. Which reminds me, I have an

engagement and I probably won't be in until very, very late. Well, I'm glad to

hear that you are stepping out. Which reminds me, I have a couple of press

passes here to a musical.

Thank you, but I don't believe Flossie enjoys musicals.

Flossie?

You're going out with Flossie?

At last I found a woman on this earth, Tim, who really understands me.