Original subtitles

Cynthia. I mean, Joanie.

This is Tim.

Well, no, hon. I wasn't thinking of another girl.

Well, Cynthia, I don't even know a Joanie.

I mean, Joanie, I don't even... Joanie.

Joanie!

Hello?

Hello?

I don't know what's the matter with me today.

I, uh, I seem to have Cynthia on the brain.

Typical.

Oh, I suppose you never have a lapse of memory? Of course not. The Martian

memory is orderly and efficient.

Your mind is like Mrs. Brown's attic.

What do you mean? It's flooded with all kinds of useless odds and ends. The

discontinued phone numbers of the last three places you've lived.

The six highest mountains in the world. Who won the World Series in 1952?

Your memory is so crowded with stuff you don't need, you can't remember what you

want to know.

On Mars, they have a better way?

Naturally. Watch.

Well, what's that? I don't remember seeing that before.

A quantatronic memory transducer. Table model size.

A Martian keeps in his head only those memories he wants. The rest are recorded

and filed away.

Oh. Well, once you've recorded them, can you get those memories back again? Of

course. Well, I wouldn't mind filing Cynthia away.

Just temporarily, of course, while I concentrate on other matters.

Like Joanie.

Nothing to it.

Observe. Well, now, just a second, Uncle Mark. You sure this thing's going to

work? I mean, you know, I have an Earth brain.

No problem.

We just adjust it to your capacity.

IQ low, imagination feeble, concentration nil.

Just a minute. By Martian standards, that's all.

Now, before we clear Cynthia out of your memory, we enter her name on this

little index so you can bring her back when you want.

Number A110274, Tim's memory of Cynthia.

Ready? Shoot.

No, no, Tim.

This machine works like a cream separator.

Whatever is on the top of your brain, it skims off.

Now, you've got to bring Cynthia to the top.

Harder, Tim.

Much harder.

Picture her in all her smoldering beauty.

Keep saying, Cynthia.

Bring her to the top.

Cynthia.

Who's Cynthia?

I think your machine just laid an egg, Uncle Martin.

No, Tim.

This is your memory of Cynthia, number A110274.

Warm, vibrant, vital.

The tones of her voice, the fire in her eyes, every line, every curve, they're

all here.

This... is Cynthia?

Boy, if you didn't tell me I once knew a girl named Cynthia. She's out of your

mind, but she's on that pill.

Every detail of your memory of Cynthia is engraved on the molecules of this

silicon wafer. That's amazing.

But suppose I want her back. Simple.

You just swallow this. The silicon molecules will bring her back so

you'll be programmed into acting as if she were right here.

Boy, this is just what I need.

Why, Cynthia is safely filed away. Well, Joanie's sort of a lost cause for

today, so I can sort of file her away.

And then I can... Oh.

I can remember nothing but Shirley.

And then I can put Shirley away.

And then I can really concentrate on Margie. And then maybe I can have a

touch of Cynthia on the weekend. No, no, no, no, Tim. This machine represents 5

,000 years of Martian progress. It wasn't built to make a playboy's life

That's why I took it away from King Solomon.

All right, all right. I'll use it for more serious things. I can use it in my

work. For research, sure. Why, with a memory machine like that, I could get

Pulitzer Prize.

Sorry, Tim. Neither you nor the human race are ready for these things.

Maybe in another thousand years.

Not a good it'll do me then.

Well, I'll see you later.

I'm off to the supermarket.

Oh, you got the shopping list?

Mm -hmm. Right on this pill.

I'll swallow it when I get there.

So long.

Sweetheart, I didn't mean to call you Joanie. You just popped out by accident.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

Joanie does seem to be in my mind, but that's only because, Sharon.

Sharon?

Why don't you finish your sentence?

Well... Last chance.

Cheryl Davis.

Cheryl Davis.

Yeah.

That's my last chance. Now, now remember, it's not Joanie.

Hi, Joanie.

Now, now bring her to the top and get rid of her.

Uncle Martin.

May I help you, sir?

Thanks.

Take some of these groceries.

Well, you must be from the grocery store.

I didn't order any, but maybe Mrs. Brown.

Who's going to stand there making jokes?

I'll just do it myself.

Who are you? Quit clowning, Tim. A little harmless Martian levitation beats

sweat -of -the -brow Earth approach any time.

Martian? No.

There can't be any Martians. There just can't be.

Oh, so that's it.

Now, Tim, this could be serious.

Listen to me. There can't be any Martians.

There can't be.

invisible forced field barrier to keep you in here. You are a Martian. Correct,

Tim. What are you going to do with me?

Tim, relax.

I know your name, right?

And I know you.

Correct? Now, you'll have to take my word for this.

You know me.

Yes, you do. Tim, we're old friends.

You're a Martian. But a friendly Martian. Good and kind.

We can't help it. Our heredity is programmed that way. So you must believe

when I tell you I have been like an uncle to you.

No. Yes.

In fact, you call me Uncle Martin.

Come on now.

Say it.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

Now, your uncle is going to give you this little pill and your memory of me

come right back.

You're not going to give me a Martian pill.

If this is an invasion, you're not going to get me to turn against my own people

because I'm an Earthman. Do you hear that?

I'm an Earthman.

Can't afford to let you notify the authorities.

We're busy, Mrs. Brown.

No, we're not. No, we're not. Come on in. Come on in.

Oh, Martin.

I found this peculiar -looking bug on my cup of gold vine.

He's a Martian, Mrs. Brown. He's a Martian. Oh, don't be silly, Tim.

He is green with long, silky feelers, but he's not a Martian.

No, I mean him.

He's a Martian. They've landed us an invasion.

Is he sick?

Don't talk to him. Call the police.

Don't talk to your Uncle Martin?

He's not my Uncle Martin. How could he be? I don't even have an Uncle Martin.

What happened? He's raving.

Don't be alarmed, Mrs. Brown.

A little bump on the head. He ran into the cupboard door. It sometimes produces

temporary amnesia along with hallucinations.

Oh, my. It must have been a nasty blow.

Oh, it was.

How can you stand there chatting?

Doesn't every human instinct tell you that he is not a man?

Why, just the opposite.

All he needs is a little rest.

I'll look after him. And this little fellow is an ephemeroptera.

I'll see you later.

Mrs.

Brown, don't leave. He is a Martian.

Oh, I think I better call a doctor. Tim needs help.

Yes, call a doctor. Call two doctors and tell them to come armed with weapons.

Everything's worse, Tim.

Now I'll just have to wipe all of that out of her mind.

Oh, oh, you're going? I mean, goodbye.

Have a nice time.

Oh, uh, don't try to escape.

Force fields, you know.

any way you can reach him.

Well, would you ask Dr. Nichols to please visit Mr. Tim O 'Hara right away?

very important.

Thank you.

Oh, Martin, I am so worried about Tim.

Oh, Tim's all right, Mrs. Brown.

Just relax.

I hope so.

Oh, what's that? Some new kind of stereo?

More or less.

It'll help you forget your troubles.

Oh, you're so thoughtful.

But shouldn't you be with Tim? That's right.

Think about Tim.

Concentrate on Tim.

That's all I can think of.

And that funny little beetle he calls a Martian.

No, no, no, Mrs. Brown.

Concentrate on Tim.

Not beetles.

What beetle? I don't remember any beetles.

I know.

Let's try again.

Now, think about Tim.

That's all I can think of.

And what are we sitting here talking about? When Tim is sick, I've got to

him. Poor Tim.

Where was I going?

Don't you know?

I don't remember.

Now, isn't that silly?

It was about somebody.

His name began with a... Would it have anything to do with my nephew, Tim?

Oh, do you have a nephew, Martin?

Yes.

You'll meet him someday.

Goodbye, now.

I'm Dr. Nichols. Is Mrs. Brown here?

Oh, hello, Doctor.

How are you?

I'm fine.

My office called me on my car phone and said it was urgent.

Well, there must be some mistake, Doctor.

Mistake? But you said that a Mr. Tim O 'Hara was very sick.

I don't know a Tim O 'Hara.

Mr. Martin O 'Hara lives over in my garage.

Help! Help!

Help!

Well, I hope all your little transistors are in good shape. We've got a big

afternoon ahead of us.

It's only my nephew, Tim, climbing up from the garage.

Oh, so there is a Tim O 'Hara.

He kept him hidden in the garage.

Oh, what some people won't do to avoid paying rent. Really, Martin, I'm

surprised.

This is ridiculous.

Well, thank heaven you got here.

Now, just a minute, young man. Are you Tim O 'Hara?

Well, of course I am. Just ask Mrs. Brown.

He's a complete stranger to me.

What? He's my nephew. I never saw that man before in my life.

He is a Martian. A Martian? Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let's get this

straight. You don't know him. He doesn't know you. And you... Do you have any

aspirin? Let me explain. My nephew ran into a cupboard door and lost his

Mrs. Brown was checking on that same cupboard door and unfortunately suffered

the same accident.

A partial loss of memory.

Don't let him trick you, Doctor. He is a Martian.

There's a spaceship right down there.

A spaceship, eh?

Tell me, when did you hit your head on the cupboard door?

All right, don't believe me.

Take a look for yourselves.

I

don't

see a thing.

There's nothing in the garage.

What? There's got to be. I mean, I just saw it. I cut this hole in the floor,

and down there was this great big thing.

was down there and he uh he did something he he he tricked you he he may

disappeared well down there there was this there was this thing it was about

that it had a well

That is my car.

And with the traffic situation the way it is today, I only wish it were a

saucer. Come over here and sit down.

I just want you to sit down over here. What? Why me? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'll

take it easy. I understand.

That's all right.

Son, you need a specialist in mental disorders.

I'm a specialist.

That's right. But before we can get you to one, I'm going to give you a mild

tranquilizer to calm you down. It'll make you relax. Mrs. Brown, would you

me a glass of water, please? Yes, doctor.

Now, that's...

Now, take it easy, son. We're on your side. You're on my side? That's right.

Then do something about him!

I know.

Be calm.

I'm calm.

Be calm, son. That's it. I'm only taking your pulse.

You're pretty excited.

Yeah, well, I'm cutting out of it. Oh, just a minute.

Come on, now, come on. Take it easy.

Now, you can come here and be quiet, you hear me? Be quiet.

Oh, dear, he's become violent.

Now, take it easy, Tim. We're all your friends.

Well, then who needs enemies?

We're trying to help you.

Shocking what a blow on the head will do.

It's a good thing you sent for me, Mrs. Brown.

I already told you. I didn't call you. Nobody called you. Mrs.

Brown, you are a trifle overwrought yourself.

Better take one of those tranquilizers. They're quite harmless.

No, no.

She swallowed A110273.

X703. Spaceship X703 calling Red Planet Spaceship 703. What's she doing?

Entering flight path.

Touchdown. I'd say she was making a pretty darn good approach landing on

It's hysteria.

She's caught it from your nephew.

Well, another tranquilizer will put her right. Don't touch those pills.

Oh, please, Mr. O 'Hara. Don't you lose control, too. These are perfectly

innocuous tranquilizers.

In fact, right now, I could use one myself.

A110272. X703 entering flight path.

Touchdown imminent.

Experiencing severe weightlessness.

Gravity almost completely gone.

I'm getting out of here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Tim, I need you. Tim, wait. I need you. No, now let go

of me. I've had enough of this Martian nonsense.

I'm going to find someone who believes me.

Where'd you go? What are you trying to pull now?

Ah!

Uncle

Martin.

What's going on here? Remember the memory machine? The silicon wafers? Uh

You cleared yourself, and I've just managed to bring you back to normal.

Mrs. Brown and the doctor swallow two of my pills and think they're in orbit

around Mars.

Well, then we've got to clear them.

Precisely.

You aim the cone.

I'll maneuver them into range. Right.

This is ground control calling spaceship X -703.

Come in, X -703.

X -703 requesting permission to land on Mars.

Change of orders, X -703.

Emergency pickup of stranded scientist.

Do you skindle me? I skindle you loud and clear.

Mm -hmm.

Set the route indicator.

at gamma.

Bearing 176 .5.

Velocity 8 ,700 moglugs.

Hover. Hovering!

Open escape hatch.

Dr. Nichols, follow subprogram 2W53 and leave your asteroid.

Enter space vehicle.

Proceed on course.

Prepare to orbit.

Tim. I, uh, skindle you.

Get the doctor.

I'll get him.

Watch it. You're overheating the mechanism.

What are you doing?

I'm putting up force field so that Mrs. Brown and that doctor can't escape.

Oh, don't panic, Martin.

Remember, you're a Martian.

Kim, I feel strange, just like I forgot something important.

Uncle Martin, you got hit by the rays of the brain -clearing machine.

Brain -clearing machine?

X -703 requesting permission to land.

Come in, Mars.

Get out of here, Tim. We shut up with a bunch of Martians. Well, you're a

Martian yourself.

What are you talking about? I'm your uncle. Oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, it's your turn.

Ow!

Now,

uh, who are you?

Uncle Martin, the friendly Martian.

Thanks, Tim.

Watch out.

Watch out, it's going to blow up and run.

It blew up.

Yeah, and if we're lucky, due to the explosion, it sprayed them both with

rays that they'll be back to normal. You sure?

That's the way it should work out, logically.

Tim.

You go look.

Me? Yeah.

Uncle Martin?

Come here. What?

Come here.

Oh, thank you, Doctor. You know, that tranquilizer calmed

me right down.

Yes, they are quite effective.

I feel better myself.

Then, uh...

That takes care of everything.

Not quite.

I've got to give Mrs. Brown back her memory of you.

We've got to rebuild my machine, recover all the silicon wafers, fix the hole in

the floor, and give you back your recollections of Cynthia and Joanie.

We've got our work cut out for us.

Yeah. How did we get into this mess?

We decided to use a labor -saving device.

Oh. Yep.

It can happen to Martians as well as Earthlings.

Now, let's go and pick up the pieces.

Everybody seems to be back to normal, Doctor.

Thanks to your tranquilizers.

Yes, they're an excellent remedy.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

What are you doing?

Just taking another tranquilizer. The doctor said they were harmless.

This is awful. Sugar rocketing into outer space again. How quick can you fix

machine?

Tim, Tim.

Look.

It really was a tranquilizer.