Original subtitles

Now, look, O 'Hara, it is not my fault if you misunderstood.

I didn't misunderstand anything. You deliberately told me the wrong time.

You know something? This is why Uncle Oliver doesn't promote you, O 'Hara.

You've always got an alibi.

Alibi? I'll alibi you. I'll break in, too.

Oh, well, come on. Now, do me a favor. Hit me. Oh, this is one favor I'd be

to do. You know something? I owe you an awful lot, Freddy Carson, and I'm going

to start paying you off right now.

I'm coloring for half already, am I? You're yellow, Harry!

Well,

what did you do that for?

Tim, a bloody nose never settled anything.

Well, maybe not, but on him it sure looked good.

You earthlings never cease to amaze me. Your ultimate argument is always, I can

lick you with one hand tied behind my back.

All right, Mr. Martin, no lectures. Please, I'm not in the mood. In other

to use your own phrase, put up or shut up. Well, that would be nice. Yes, very

well. Let's review the situation.

The basis of the conflict between you and Freddy is that you're both up for

promotion to journeyman reporter.

Yes, well, you can forget it as far as I'm concerned. Freddy has the inside

track. You mean because he's Mrs. Burns' nephew?

Well, that and a lot of other things. Have you noticed how closely he sticks

Burns just like glue? And he's always buttering him up and telling him what a

nice guy he is. And he's always laughing at everything Mr. Burns says. It's

always so funny.

Come on, Martin, let's go home.

Are you tuning in a little, Martin?

That's eavesdropping. I know.

What's he saying?

He is saying that osso bucco is a far superior dish to grenadine of beef.

Your Mr.

Burns is a gourmet.

Oh, well, that solves my problem.

Now, maybe it does. Don't let opportunity slip through your fingers.

Opportunity for what?

For buttering up the boss like he's never been buttered before. It so

that back home I'm known as the Le Scoffier of the Martian Master Chef

We'll invite him to dinner.

I'll prepare a meal that is literally out of this world.

Martian stew.

Isn't that a little far to go just for the ingredients?

The gourmet, the staples are unimportant.

I can substitute foods from Earth.

The important thing is the condiments.

The spices which give an exotic piquancy to an otherwise simple comestible.

Those I have in the spaceship. Between slathering on the butter and attacking

his palate, we'll have him begging you to accept that promotion.

After a meal like that, it would be a desecration ever to eat again.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Burns. We have a saying around here that nothing

is too good for my boss.

Thank you, Tim. I'm flattered.

Now, better see if I can still stand up.

That's funny.

See if I can still stand up.

That's strange.

I feel like I'm going to... I've got to stretch my legs.

Excuse me.

Mr.

Burns.

Mr. Burns, can you hear me?

What did you put in the stew?

Nothing, except a little ground wiffle bark.

But what happened?

I don't know.

Apparently some sort of chemical reaction from mixing my Martian

your Earth food.

Well, we all ate the same thing.

You didn't. You didn't eat your salad.

You ate it. Now, why aren't you like him?

Tim, I was raised on Whipplebark.

Well, what do we do? Call a doctor?

This is the Martian syndrome.

Your Earth doctors wouldn't know where to begin.

What's the matter?

Testing for brain waves.

Can he hear us?

His mind is a complete blank.

Yeah, well, I know exactly how he feels. Uncle Martin, do you realize what

you've done to me? You've petrified my boss.

I am aware of what I've done.

I am also aware of the fact that if anyone should see him in this condition,

there will inevitably be some sort of an investigation which could expose me as

a Martian.

Well, what can we do about it? It's very simple. All we have to do is cure him.

Do you mind if I ask how?

First, we break down all the chemical elements involved into basic formulae,

reassemble them into compound formulae, and determine their interreactions.

You do that.

You know what we should have done?

We should have taken him out to dinner. That little Hungarian restaurant down in

the corner? All he would have had now was heartburn.

Of course.

That's it.

What? What, what, what? Are you in any way familiar with the homocycle and

heterocycle subclassifications of chemical compounds?

It was a ridiculous question.

Suffice it to say that all we have to do is counteract...

Do what to Mrs. Brown?

Yoo -hoo, everybody!

Did Tim get promoted yet?

Not yet, Mrs. Brown, but we're working on it. Oh, that's good, because I made a

batch of fudge brownies for Mr. Burns. I wanted to do my bit. Yoo -hoo, Mr.

Burns!

Oh, isn't that fun?

Oh, I haven't played statue since I was a little girl. Now, don't tell me, let

me guess.

You're Napoleon at Waterloo.

No, no, Mrs. Brown, he's... Is Washington crossing the Delaware?

You're General Custer rallying the troops.

I'm what?

Well, aren't you General Custer rallying the troops at Valley Forge?

No, I'm Oliver Burns about to sit down after a hearty meal. Oh, that's very

good. I must remember that one. That's a real topic.

Is he all right?

Yes, are you all right, Mr. Burns?

Am I all right?

Doesn't anybody answer the phone around here?

Yes, I do, but I didn't hear it. Well, hear it now.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Burns? Yes, he's here.

It's for you.

Oh, I know.

What am I?

Mrs. Brown, we're through playing statues.

Oh, that's a shame, because you'd never have guessed the Statue of Liberty.

No?

Isn't Mr. Burns?

Yeah.

You knew I was coming here to dinner.

Do you think it would help if I spoke to Mr. Burns about Tim?

Frankly, no. Good night, Mrs. Brown, and thank you so much for those brownies.

Oh, you're welcome, I'm sure.

Well, what is it?

What? When?

Tonight.

Thank goodness he's back to normal.

Only temporarily, if my calculations are correct.

Only tem...

Uncle Martin, he can't. It's not just my promotion I'm worried about, but

there's got to be a law against what we did to him.

A rather harsh one, too, I imagine.

How can you be so calm at a time like this?

Because in a crisis, we Martians don't panic. We think.

It's really very simple.

Now, I have isolated the compound which resulted from the combination of

tarragon in the salad dressing with my ground wiffle bark.

Oh, is that what caused... Yeah.

Now, this compound set up a chemical imbalance in the digestive system, which

acts directly on the motor activities of the brain when induced by a sudden

interruption to ingestion, such as a hiccup.

I see.

Now, all we have to do now is restore that balance with a counteragent, namely

Sagberry Concentrated.

Can we get that at a drugstore?

Every corner drugstore handles it. On Mars.

Fortunately, we don't have to go that far.

I have some in the spaceship.

Yes.

I can get it as soon as Mrs. Brown is safely in the house.

Yeah, I understand, Marge. All right. Thank you for calling. Goodbye.

She's gone. Now I can get him. Now you keep him here. Don't let him get out of

your sight.

Where's your uncle going? My uncle? Oh, well, he had to go in and get something

he forgot for dessert.

I'm afraid I can't stay for dessert.

But you got to. It's very unusual.

It's very important.

It's more important for me to get to the airport. You see, Mr. Thomas is coming

in at 9 center tomorrow.

But you can see Mr. Thomas anytime.

Mr. Thomas?

The Mr. Thomas?

Our publisher?

It's right as due at 9 .15, and Freddy's on his way to pick me up now. Tim,

where'd you put my hat? Oh, your hat. Well, I'm sure I put your hat someplace,

Mr. Burns, because... Look, Mr. Burns, you've got eight or ten minutes. Now,

don't we just sit and chat, and that'll give you plenty of time to find your

hat. Come on, here it is. Oh, there it is.

Well, Freddy doesn't have to drive to the airport.

We can drive you. Oh, thanks, but he's already on his way.

And one thing I like about Freddy, he's always punctual. Oh, well, yes, I'm glad

you brought that up, Mr. Brents, because it's something I've been meaning to

talk to you about. You see, the reason I missed the city council assignment was

because, well, somebody told me that it had been postponed until 3 o 'clock.

Well, Tim, you have a good potential for newspapering, but you should have

double -checked.

Now, you take Freddy.

I'm not saying this because Freddie is my wife, nephew,

but Freddie has.

Mr. Burns?

Mr.

Burns?

Well, don't worry, Mr. Burns.

Uncle Martin has everything under control.

At least he will have.

He's at it again.

Well, come on, Martin, do something. Mr. Thomas is coming and Freddy's on his

way. Now, I imagine that makes sense if you know what you're talking about.

Say, ah.

Ah.

Any qualities you would do well to copy, Tim.

For one thing, Freddy's always there when I need him.

And the boy has a splendid sense of humor.

Well, I know what the scuttlebutt is around the city room.

You and the rest of the staff think that I play favorites for Freddy because

he's my wife's nephew.

Well, I can assure you this is not true because I pride myself on judging a man

on marriage alone. The fact that he's related to me doesn't affect my judgment

the slightest. For if he does, it's such a mind degree as to be negligent.

Well, that does it.

I don't know what you did, but whatever you did, you did it.

Hmm. That's odd.

The Sagberry concentrate overcompensated.

I wonder if the fact Earth's photosynthesis produces green

of pink would give me a clue. Well, pink, green, purple, chartreuse, what

difference does it make now?

Mr. Thomas is on his way to the airport. Mr. Burns is supposed to pick him up.

Freddy's on his way over here to pick him up.

Correction. Freddy isn't on his way over here.

He's here.

You'll never know what your friendship has meant to me, Uncle Martin.

Quick, give me a hand.

No, no, no, not that way. This way. What? No, out the window. No, of course

Into the bedroom.

Oh, oh, oh.

Open up.

Uncle Martin?

We've got to put him on the bed.

Yeah, yeah.

Uncle Martin, what happens if he comes in here? We'll just have to disappear.

I wish I knew how.

You'd better learn fast if I don't snap him out.

I thought I heard somebody knocking.

Where were you, in the East Wing?

Look, tell Uncle Oliver I'm here to pick him up, would you? No, you can't. He's

out. What do you mean, I can't? Just exactly what I said. You can't. He's

Look, we're supposed to pick up Mr. Thomas at the airport.

Oh, well, why don't you just try again a little bit later, huh? Maybe when he

comes to, coming back.

Oh, Harold!

We do. We can't let him in here with Mr. Burns the way he is. On the contrary.

We not only have to let him in here, we've got to keep him here. Why for

out loud?

O 'Hara!

O 'Hara, I know you're in there. I demand you open this door at once.

Open this door!

I'll be his uncle. He'll go straight to the police.

O 'Hara!

Come in, Freddy. What a pleasant surprise to see you.

How are you?

Where's my uncle?

Why, he'll be here presently. Won't you come in and wait for him?

Well, what's new at the office?

Didn't my uncle get a phone call from his secretary?

Why, yes, yes, yes, I believe he did.

Yeah, well, I can't understand why he'd go out. Oh, please sit down, Freddy.

All right.

You know, that's funny. You know, Uncle, going out there, he knows how easily

Mr. Thomas gets upset if he doesn't meet him at the airplane.

Mr. Thomas may very well decide not to make him managing editor when the merger

goes through.

Merger?

What merger?

Oh, you didn't know. They didn't tell... Oh, yeah. Well, I guess the news hasn't

zipped it down to the lower echelons yet.

You mean the Sun is going to merge with another newspaper?

Yes, yes.

It's all been very hush -hush.

Only we on the inside have been told about it. And, of course, we've been

discreet. Myself, I've only allowed the news to leak out to a few of my very

close friends.

Why are you telling us all this?

Oh, there's no harm done. They'll be announcing it any day now.

See, this is why Uncle Oliver has postponed officially making me full

reporter.

Now, there is going to be a general reshuffling among the personnel.

Of course, a lot of that deadwood is going to have to be cleared right out.

You know, you might have yourself a nice little hovel here if only someone with

imagination could fix it up.

We gave the wiffle bark to the wrong guy.

What we need is N -A -H -C -O -3 in some combination with a C

-12 compound.

We do?

I've almost got the antidote figured out for...

I resent any implication that...

Keep

him occupied.

Well...

I trust that you had a pleasant nap, Mr. Burns. Nap?

Ah, sleep.

Sleep that knits up the revel sleeve of care.

Great nature's second course.

Chief nourisher in life's feast.

Don't quote Shakespeare to me. I got problems.

I just can't get my sea legs up.

Gotta get to that airport.

Give me a hand, will you?

Oh, thanks.

Can't understand it. I don't know why Freddy isn't here.

Seems pretty stupid on Uncle Oliver's part, if you ask me.

If he doesn't get here in a minute or two, I'm going to have to meet that

myself. Got to show Mr. Thomas somebody in this family is on his toes.

Wouldn't that put Mr. Burns in a bad light?

Possibly. Quite possibly.

But who's to say what might be a bad light for Uncle Oliver might turn out to

a good light for me.

Well, I always knew you were a double -crosser, Freddy, but I didn't think

go that far.

Oh, come on, O 'Harry. You're too sensitive. You've got to be hard. You've

to be ruthless.

You've got to cater to the right people.

Well, if you're one of the right people, I'll do my catering at the Delicate

Destin.

Suit yourself.

While you're there, you might see if they have a job for you.

Why,

that young whippersnapper. After all, I don't think...

Would you step in here for a minute?

He did it again.

No matter. I finally figured out what went wrong, and more important, what to

about it. I hope you're sure this time.

Positive. All we need is the counteracting compound of NaHCO3,

C6H10O5. What's that in English?

Fudge brownies.

Fudge brownies.

Oh, now, come on, Uncle Martin. This is no time for clowning around.

I assure you, I am not clowning around.

It's not the fudge brownies we need, per se, but the chemical compound created

when the ingredients are subjected to heat, as in baking.

There are other ways of obtaining it, but fudge brownies are the most

One fudge brownie coming up.

Freddy ate the last fudge brownie.

Well, then you'll have to go down and get some more for Mrs. Brown.

Well, I suppose Mrs. Brown doesn't have any more. Mrs. Brown always has more.

She's got trunks full. All right, but Freddie's talking about going down and

picking up Mr. Thomas without Mr. Burns. Don't worry about Freddie. I'll take

care of him.

Tim just went to get some more brownies. Oh, not for me, I hope. I've got to go.

Uncle Oliver's time's up. Well, Mr. Burns will be here very shortly. You

ought to wait. I came, I waited. Uncle Oliver didn't show up.

But don't worry, I'll explain it all to Mr. Thomas.

I wonder what's the matter with these shoelaces.

Well?

Fine.

They don't make shoelaces like they used to do.

I haven't done anything like that since I was a kid.

Oh, look, before you become a big shot, you better learn how to tie your shoes.

Shoes? Shut up!

Oh, does the widow man need some help? Keep your hands off me! All right, well,

let me help you anyway.

I told you to keep your hands off me!

Oh, would you like a carrot?

That is very funny.

Thank you very much. Ready?

I warned you.

Say ah.

here all the time. Long enough to find out that someone in the family is on my

toes. Stop your whining and put your shoes on. Playtime's over.

Well, thank you for a very pleasant evening.

Oh, no. Thank you for a very pleasant evening. I enjoyed it immensely.

All right, come on, let's go.

Come on.

You and I are going to have a little hot tub.

Congratulations, Tim, on being promoted to a full -fledged journeyman reporter.

Mr. Burns just promoted me to full -fledged journeyman... Why do Martians

take the fun out of everything?

I'm sorry, Tim. I should have let you make the announcement.

But listen, that doesn't mean that my congratulations are any the less

Well, thank you.

After all, I wish you would remember that you have me to thank for this.

have something else to thank you for, too.

If you ever develop one big mouth, remember, keep the same shut.

Hey, you know, that sounds like something Confucius might have said.

Where do you think he got it?