Original subtitles

Must you do that?

What's it?

It's a Sarah Padula Ixnay Garula do or depart of. And why don't you go home?

Me? It is efficient, essential, and broken, but definitely not neat.

Now, will you kindly go home?

What's it do?

Nothing at the moment, which is precisely the problem.

What's it do when it's fixed?

It whistles Dixie.

Now, why don't you run along and play with your little friends, huh?

What friends?

Figures.

There.

That ought to do it.

Uh, maybe you can find some nice little old lady who needs to be helped across

the street, huh? It's for Boy Scouts.

What do you got her doing there?

Obviously nothing.

How come you don't have a job?

My mom said guys that don't have jobs are bums.

Your mother is a... a charming woman.

Now, why don't you run along and give her the pleasure of your company?

Hey, you know, you could replace automation.

Tim, the situation is becoming untenable.

Oh, come on now. He's just a child with... normal curiosities.

Well, you know how kids are. I do not know how kids are. Where I come from,

we're born with our faculties fully developed. Well, he'll stop hanging

He'll lose interest.

And while he's losing interest, I'm losing time.

I haven't been able to get near the garage for almost a week now. Every time

make a move, there's horrible horrors.

What am I going to do about that child?

You sound terribly concerned about the whole thing. You don't think he suspects

anything, do you? I wouldn't know.

Well, you can read his mind, can't you?

It isn't easy to read the mind of a ten -year -old. Some of your most

distinguished child psychologists admit that it's almost impossible to grasp the

mental processes of a ten -year -old boy.

Well, his mind is sending, isn't it? Oh, it's sending all right.

Horace is sending and I'm receiving, and who can decipher it? Decipher what? I

intercept a steady stream of gibberish, which consists primarily of neat,

neato... Gonna bust that fatso one and how about that sandy co -fat?

Delivered rather admiring.

Make sense to you?

Sure. Then you've missed your vocation. I suggest that you give up reporting and

devote your entire time to... What's the matter? Something wrong, Lamar?

It's coming.

What's coming?

I could say the millennium, but it would be a big fat lie.

It's horrible Horace. He's on his way over here right this minute. I can't

it. I simply can't face it. You'll have to cope with him. I'm going to

disappear.

You're still here.

Of course I'm still here. I'm just invisible.

No, you're not.

Don't be ridiculous.

Relax, raise antenna, concentrate, all gone.

Uh -uh. You mean I'm not all gone?

Well, your antennas are up, but you're still visible.

Well, maybe I didn't relax enough.

I'll try again.

Relax.

Raise antenna.

Uh, you can't. I can't what?

Raise your antennas. They're already up.

They're stuck.

You're kidding. I'm not kidding. My antenna are stuck.

Do you mean you can't disappear? That's exactly what I mean. Do you realize that

if horrible horror sees me in this condition, the jig is up?

That kid has a very large mouth.

Smaller. Smaller. I can't make myself smaller.

No, no, no. Under the couch.

I can't get under the couch. I'll bend my antenna.

I've not been so humiliated my whole life, and I'm 451 years old.

What are you doing?

You'll see.

it on fast.

But, but, but... Don't argue. With my antenna, I stand out like a sore thumb.

But if we both have antenna... I don't get it. If you wanted to hide a tree,

where would you hide it?

In the forest?

Roger.

Zero hour.

I don't believe I heard you knock.

Knee. Knee it out.

I'm going to get some and play Martian, too.

Uncle Martin, your mouth is open. I know. I opened it. Did you hear what

little boy said? He's going to run right out and make us some antennas. It's a

revolting idea, but I doubt that it will come to anything.

His mother's hardly likely to permit him to use their television antenna.

I suppose you're right.

And would you mind taking off those silly things?

If there's anything I hate, it's a cheap copy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, at least that worked.

Now do you think he can get your antenna down?

I don't know.

I've never faced this problem before.

Suppose they stay stuck like that forever.

Bite your tongue.

Oh, Uncle Martin, look, we're not even sure the steam will turn the trick.

Doesn't do much for lobsters either.

More.

Uncle Martin, you're getting redder. Just turn.

Turn.

103.

104.

105.

106.

107. Anything?

If anyone had told me a hundred years ago that this was going to happen to

I may have to spend the next 250 years in this condition.

Don't worry, Uncle Martin. I'll take care of you somehow.

Thank you, Tim.

I'm very touched.

However...

You'll have to will me to your son, your grandson, your great -grandson, and

your great -great -grandson, and... Oh, yeah.

I never thought of that.

Handed down from one generation to another like an old high boy or a

rocking chair.

An antique.

Oh, don't say that, Uncle Martin.

There's got to be an answer. I know there is.

Antenna!

Antenna? Let me see.

Well, no antenna.

How about a nice pogo stick?

Purpley hop, hippity hop, hippity hop, hippity... No.

Pinball.

Shoot it, tilt, the lights go on, and a big siren goes off.

I'm sorry, I don't have a toy antenna, boys.

Where'd you see them?

Tim O 'Hara and his Uncle Martin.

Why don't you ask them where they got them?

They didn't get them. They made them. Made them? Out of TV antenna.

Wow.

And all the kids want them?

Made them, huh?

Tell you what, boys.

I'll look into it. You come back in a couple of days, and we will see what we

will see. All right?

Milton Surplus?

Barnaby here.

Listen, Milton, have you still got that shipment of TV antennas you got stuck

with?

Right.

What about those metal sleeve bands?

Right. Paper and business.

Yeah, how's this for a slogan?

Be a Martian.

Chilling myself.

Why?

Because I think I'm a dry martini.

Sorry.

I thought I would try reducing the body temperature.

It's an act of desperation.

I don't want to upset you any more than you are.

Nothing could make the situation any worse than it is.

Well, you haven't been out of the house for a few days.

Well, I hardly think it would be politic to...

To exhibit myself in this condition.

Yeah. Uncle Martin, half the kids in town are now wearing antenna.

They're what?

Wearing antenna. You know.

Revolt. Revolting? How would you like to have some physical characteristic of

yours? Imitated and ridiculed.

Yeah, I guess that is pretty revolting. And humiliating.

And demeaning.

Is there something else?

Yes. Well, out with it.

Out with it. I can't read minds, you know. Not anymore.

I, uh... I got a call at the office today.

That's it.

That's what? The call.

You see, I told them to call me here at home tonight.

Well?

Answer it.

It's for you.

Everyone can read minds but me.

This is Martin O 'Hara.

Yeah?

You what?

Oh.

That was Minute Magazine.

They want to do a story on me with pictures.

It seems that I'm the inventor of a fad that's sweeping the nation.

It's bigger than the hula hoop.

Who asked for your opinion?

It's not working.

Obviously.

What are we going to do about Minute Magazine?

You know, we can't go on stalling them indefinitely. They'll become suspicious.

Well, I don't see why they should become suspicious.

There are times when I find you remarkably naive.

In your society, if a man invents or produces something, what's the first

that he does?

Advertises, I guess.

Right. And if the opportunity presents itself to get a lot of free publicity

the man doesn't take it, what does that make him?

A nut?

Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way, but that's the idea.

Now, if I permit the magazine to do a spread on me, I'll get a lot of

I don't want.

If I don't permit them, they will become intrigued.

Oh, and... and then you'll just get a lot of publicity anyway.

Oh, I beg your pardon. It's the peanuts now.

What? Go down the wrong way?

You're... You're... Look, look, look, look.

Down!

Down! Yeah, way down!

Upon the Swanee River Far, far away How

did it happen?

You mean you don't know? Well, it chagrins me to admit it, but no, I don't

What happens when my radio goes on the blink? You mean when it stops playing?

Yeah, that's right. What do I do? You... You kick it. You kick it a sudden jolt.

A sudden jolt, just like that hiccup you had down there. And then what happens

finally? It makes the connection, and it works. It works!

I haven't felt this hungry in days. Well, come on. We'll go out and have a

steak. With onion rings.

With everything. We'll celebrate.

We'll celebrate.

Yes.

Mr. O 'Hara?

Yes. I'm Barnaby. This is my attorney, Mr. Smythe.

How do you do? How do you do?

Can we come in?

Yes, please do.

Uh, sit down, please.

Oh, thank you.

I, um, I'd like you to meet my Uncle Martin.

This is just the man we want to see.

Why?

Let me handle it.

Mr. O 'Hara, we understand that you are the inventor of the new game, Be a

Martian.

Oh, well, it, uh, was nothing.

Some nothing.

Ever since Horace came in and asked for an antenna.

You do know Horace, don't you? He certainly knows you.

Oh, I know him well.

He's a living doll.

Yes, yes, of course. Well, at any rate, Mr.

Barnaby has a proposition for you.

What kind of a proposition?

A very lucrative one, I might say.

Mr. Barnaby is manufacturing the item.

That's before I knew I had the right to... Until...

I've informed him he'd better clear it with you. You see, Mr. Barnaby wishes to

triple or even quadruple his output.

It's like a mission. In the next six months, there won't be a kid from the

-bound coast of Maine to the sunny shores of California that won't be

antenna. It'll be as big as a... Don't say it.

No, no, my uncle isn't interested in Mr. Barnaby.

Well, then he should have no objections in turning over his rights to us.

For an equitable settlement, of course.

Tell him about the patent. Yes, yes.

Well, now then, in order to protect his investment, Mr. Barnaby wishes to patent

the item.

Naturally, you'll be given credit as the inventor, of course.

Was there anything wrong, Mr. O 'Hara? No, no, no. Why don't you just... You

leave the papers here, and we'll have my attorney check them.

Well... Fine, fine.

Yeah, but don't wait too long. We don't want anybody else to beat us to the

punch.

Good night.

Good night.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Why do you keep a goat in your apartment?

Well,

we just got to stop Barnaby from patenting that thing. Because if he

there'll be a record of the patent office in Washington.

And then the tax people are going to come down here and want to check our

And then your presence will be officially established.

Then they'll discover that you don't have a birth certificate.

You don't have a social security number.

You don't even have a driver's license.

And if they take my fingerprints, they'll discover I don't have those

Where are you going?

No place.

What are you doing?

I always think better lying down.

What are you doing?

Sit down.

Okay.

What are you, uh, what are you doing? Solving our problem.

You mean it? Of course I mean it.

Wishful thinking, double talk, and childish boasting are strictly Earth

characteristics. We are going to discuss human nature.

Well, you know, Uncle Martin, I, uh, I really enjoy our philosophical

discussions, but right now, don't you think you ought to tell me exactly how

solved our problem?

I'll simplify it and illustrate how I have solved our problem.

Good, because I don't think we can stall Barnaby much longer about the patent.

We won't have to.

I begin.

We will begin by considering human nature.

What? With the emphasis on human.

Okay. Well, let me put it this way.

What do you know about fads?

Fads? Fads.

Well, I know they sweep the country.

And how is a fad terminated?

Ended? I don't know.

Well... I do.

You do? Yes, I do. I most certainly do. Oh, I can remember the Big Apple and

college boys wearing raccoon coats and swallowing goldfish.

But to get to the case in point, the only way to end a fad is to replace it

another.

Well? Oh, I'm following you.

But I'm not getting any place.

Oh, illiterate.

What if suddenly there wasn't a solitary child interested in playing Martian

anymore?

Well, all the kids would take their antenna and...

Throw them in the toy box.

And forget about them.

Right. And Barnaby would have no market for his antenna and subsequently no

reason to manufacture them. And ipso facto, no reason to patent the device.

Minute magazine would not be interested.

Uncle Martin, you're a genius.

Even on Mars, I'm rather highly thought of.

What's the plan?

I am going to initiate a new fad.

It works on the drawing board, and there's no reason why it shouldn't work

practical application.

It's inexpensive, it's easy to make, and it's unpatentable. And if I know human

nature, and I do, in 24 hours Antenna will be a glut on the market. Now, uh, I

will need the following supplies.

You'll see.

Kid stuff.

I don't recall inviting you to be an observer.

Clothespin, please.

All right.

Rubber band.

Ah, now.

The moment of truth.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Tighter. What for?

Tight, but not too tight.

The principle, the same as that applied to a model airplane.

What's it do?

It's called a nose mobile, and anyone can make one.

All right, now, open your mouth.

Take off.

The planet Earth is divided into two parts.

One adult, one child.

And to understand the workings of a child's mind, you don't have to be a

Martian. But it helps.