Original subtitles

Good morning.

Mendelssohn's Midsummer Night's Dream.

No kidding. I would have sworn that was Melancholy Babies.

That's your trouble, Tim.

If it doesn't come out of a jukebox, it isn't music.

I wanted to compare this version with the one that we're going to hear tonight

at the Philharmonic.

We're going to hear?

Like we?

As in you and me?

No, we as in you and I. I was lucky enough to get a couple of reservations

tonight. Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Martin. I have to go bowling tonight. I promised

the guys that I'd join them because we have a team match.

Well, don't worry about it. I'll go alone.

Oh, cut it out, Uncle Martin. You can't stand going anyplace by yourself.

Why don't you take somebody?

Hey, how about Laura Lee Brown?

Why, she'd jump at the chance.

Our landlady?

Our unmarried landlady?

I can see you're not familiar with that entire composition.

See what you mean.

Not that Laura Brown isn't a very charming person.

It's just that she's afflicted with that ailment known in sociological circles

as the Orange Blossom Syndrome.

Well, it's your own fault for being so irresistible.

What can I help it if I'm handsome, debonair, witty, and modest?

It's just that we Martians believe in being truthful.

Uncle Martin, whenever a bachelor takes out an unattached female, he's always

taking a calculated risk.

You're right.

I am being selfish and depriving her of my company.

I'll tell you what.

When the orchestra starts playing the wedding march, why don't you just chomp

your popcorn real loud and drown them out?

I just hope she doesn't start to cry when I tell her that I'm taking her to

concert.

Martin, won't you come in?

Thank you.

My goodness, what a pleasant surprise.

Oh, beautiful, but unfortunately so fragile and delicate. As the poet put

loveliest of lovely things are they on earth that soonest away.

The rose that lives its little hour is prized beyond the sculptured flower.

Now, that's a rather obscure quotation. How do you happen to know it?

I learned it from a very interesting gentleman one afternoon as we were

in Westlake Park.

Remember?

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, of course.

Oh, my goodness. You rode like a Viking.

Well, I believe in keeping myself in good condition, Mrs. Brown. Oh, call me

Laura Lee.

Laura Lee. Laura Lee, I know you like music.

Oh, there's nothing I'd rather listen to.

My, that was lovely music coming out of Tim's apartment a little while ago.

Well,

there's a concert tonight. Pick you up at 7 .30?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I already have a date.

That's no problem. I'm sure he'll understand. Phone him.

I'm sorry, Martin, but I wouldn't break this date for anything in the world.

Look, Uncle Martin, if you'd like, I can call the guys and I'll tell them I

can't go bowling tonight and I'll go with you to the concert. Oh, that won't

necessary. I've canceled the reservations for the tickets.

You have?

Oh, look, just because Mrs. Brown won't go with you. That had absolutely nothing

to do with it. Her refusal to go doesn't affect me the least bit. Well, is that

right? Well, then why are you stirring your coffee with a fork?

Well, it's a habit I picked up on Mars. We make our coffee awfully thick up

there. Well, Ashton, you ought to be jumping for joy.

Now that Mrs. Brown has a boyfriend, you are no longer number one man on her

most wanted list.

It is a relief.

And you've been saying that she's a matrimonial hazard. Well, now you're off

hook. Yes, it's a wonderful feeling. Well, if you'd like to hear Melancholy

Baby, you will find it in the next room on the left -hand side of the shelf.

Oh, um...

Who is he? Who is who?

Mrs. Brown's date.

Oh, she told me, but I was so disinterested, I hardly listened.

His name is Andre Philippe Charles Dupre.

She met him at 327 last Tuesday. He has blue eyes, and they met at a fashion

show.

But you hardly listened.

What was he doing at a fashion show? Oh, they were modeling some of the

creations from his salon.

A dressmaker?

No, a dress designer.

The same difference.

And Laura Lee said she'd drop by so we could meet him. Oh, I can give you a

thumbnail sketch of him right now. The guy is about 5 '2", and he weighs about

120 pounds. He has a wet carnation coming out of his lapel, and he has

shoulders, limp wrists.

I'm sorry, friend. If you're looking for a piano to move, we don't even have

one. Oh, Andre.

This is Tim O 'Hara. Tim, this is Andre Dupre.

This is Andre Arsante.

Threading needles hasn't hurt his grip.

Andre, this is Tim's uncle, Martin O 'Hara.

Now, how do you do? Won't you come in?

You've got quite a grip.

Martin's quite athletic. He rowed clear around Westlake Park three times.

Four times. In a strange boat.

Do you row, Mr. Dupre?

Hardly worth mentioning.

French national champion, 1933.

But today, I could probably not do as well as my friend the teacher here.

Professor. Professor of anthropology.

A, B, M, A, E, E, D, and Ph .D.

No offense, mon ami. I have the greatest respect for learning.

In fact, I have an endowed chair at the university in my favorite subject.

Helm stitching?

The history of custom design. It's a pleasure to know that André's Salon of

Fashion is instrumental in keeping so many professors from malnutrition.

Oh, my goodness. There's so many things about you that I don't know.

People will give us something to talk about on our way to the theater.

Oh, I'm certainly looking forward to it.

Bye.

Coming, André?

A most charming lady.

No? Yes.

Au revoir.

Au revoir.

Au

revoir.

Uncle Martin, what are you doing out here?

Oh, oh, well, it was such a clear night.

First time I've been able to observe Jupiter all week.

And look at Saturn.

You can almost see the rings.

Boy, you really know that sky, even without a roadmap.

Don't you forget that I worked my way through college as a guide for

Interplanetary Tours Incorporated.

Our slogan was, one low price covers everything, including a visit to a

nightclub on Mercury.

Well, maybe someday I will be able to take that door.

Let's pick out an itinerary.

There's Orion, Alpha Centauri, and...

Why hasn't he brought her home yet?

Why hasn't who brought who?

Uncle Martin, would you mind stepping into my office? I think it's about time

that you and I had a man -martian talk.

Tim, you have no idea how wide -eyed and childlike she is.

Are you talking about our landlady or Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm?

Now, Mrs. Brown is a very nice person, but she's not exactly a teenager.

But now, Uncle Martin, you are far more intelligent than I ever hoped to be.

But, as an ancient philosopher once said,

Even a wise man sometimes cannot see forest on account of trees.

Tim, if you're trying to tell me something, you haven't succeeded.

That's exactly it. Now look, normally you would be a zillion light years ahead

of me.

But don't you know what's bothering you?

You, Uncle Martin, are jealous.

Me?

Jealous?

Nonsense. Martians are above human frailties.

Restless sleep interrupted by violent dreams.

Loss of appetite.

Period. New paragraph.

Uh, what is it you're working on?

Oh, I'm making some notes for a monograph I intend to write when I get

Mars.

Tim, you were right.

I am jealous.

Well, you finally got around to admitting it, huh?

Yes, I'm afraid I can't deny it.

I seem to have all the classical symptoms.

Accelerated pulse, slight fever, occasional involuntary sighs, and a

feeling around my heart.

Like you just swallowed a 12 -inch pizza?

24 -inch.

With anchovies and pepperoni on it.

The strangest thing is that until Andre showed up, I didn't realize myself how I

felt about... Laura Lee.

Careful, you're cooling the coffee.

I'll tell you what you have to do. You call him on the telephone and you tell

him if he doesn't stay away from her that you're going to come right down

and poke him in the nose.

Tim, when he was here the other night, I read his mind.

Besides being a rowing champion, he was runner -up in the Olympic heavyweight

finals.

Well, he can't bluff us. He's a Frenchman.

Challenge him to a duel.

Gold medal.

Pan -European fencing tournament.

Tim, you have no idea what I'm going through. Are you kidding?

You are talking to an expert. I started this when I was in junior high school.

Really? Oh, yeah.

I was going around with this beautiful little blonde. And then this guy came

along and started, you know, muscling into my time. He told her that he was an

executive at some supermarket.

And that was the end of your romance?

No. Oh, no, no. I did a little sleuthing on my own, and I found out that he was

a vice president.

In charge of mops and brooms. What did you do?

I did what any normal, red -blooded American male would do.

I wrote an anonymous letter.

Well, that cooked his turkey.

Wait a minute.

Andre. And that so -called salon that he's supposed to own. You're not

suggesting that I snoop around his place of business in the hope of learning

something to his discredit. Why not? Because it's unethical and undignified.

And unworthy of a Martian.

And what's the address of that salon?

So, after 26 years, Francine, you live in us.

But it will be good to be back in La Belle, France, no?

Oui.

Adieu, Monsieur André.

Oh, no, no.

Not adieu, old friend.

Au revoir.

When I come to Marseille, remember.

You must cook me a true bouillabaisse.

Au revoir.

Au revoir, monsieur.

Would you come in, please?

Oh, that poor kid. She must be freezing.

Why don't you offer her your coat?

Are you mad?

I knew there was something phony about that, Andre. All that big talk about

endowing universities.

What do you mean? $4 .98. He'd have to sell a whole carload of these things

to feed one starving professor.

I think I'll send one of these things to my Aunt Bernice in Sioux City.

Miss? Yes, sir?

I'll take one of these things. Can you have a gift wrap? Certainly. You have an

eye for value.

It's an Andre original and only $498.

Does that include training stamps?

So I could have told her to her face,

but it will be more diplomatic this way.

You know how proud Francine is. What are we doing out here? The scenery is a lot

better out front.

My dear Mademoiselle Renée. No, better make that... My very dear Francine. The

check you will receive every month is small payment for all you have meant to

this many years.

Well, it sounds like he's giving Mademoiselle the brush.

He really shouldn't be eavesdropping. You're right.

That we were two oceans apart is unfortunate.

But c 'est la vie. How do you like that? After giving him the best years of her

life. Would that our association...

could continue forever.

But, alas, even the best things must end.

Sign it fondly, Andre.

The cat.

Martin, I want to apologize for us Earth people.

Well, I wonder who this Francine René really is.

Oh, boy, I bet she could give him a character reference. Wouldn't she have

write on asbestos?

No, I don't feel comfortable in the snooper role.

Are you kidding?

All is fair in love and war.

Hey, I wonder if I could be one of those girls over there.

How about that long -stemmed beauty?

Easy enough to find out.

No, no.

Her name is Charlotte. Charlotte Higgins. And her husband is a wrestler.

I was always partial to short -legged girls.

How about that one over there?

Janine.

Susan.

Frances.

Sonia. But no Francine?

No Francine.

Oui, monsieur.

That's funny, I could have sworn.

May I be of service?

Your Francine? Oui, monsieur.

Francine René.

At your service.

Tim,

I'm heartily ashamed of myself.

What? Why? Because you didn't get something on Andre? No, for suspecting

worst about someone. And even more ashamed because I hoped to find it. But

thought you cared about Mrs. Brown. Well, that's the point.

When you really care about someone, you want to see her happy.

And what would make Laura Lee happy?

Well, if she's anything like some of the girls I've been going with, getting

married. Exactly.

And fortunately or unfortunately, as the case may be, I am not the marrying

type. What man is?

Figures show that half the married people in this country are male.

Tim, from now on, I'm going to do everything I can to bring Laura Lee and

together. Oh, now, wait a minute. That's going too far. Now, why do you... Don't

argue with me, Tim. When a Martian makes up his mind to be noble, he goes all

the way.

Oh,

good afternoon, Laura.

Mrs. Brown.

I thought you might like these spiced peaches. I put them up last month.

Thank you.

Preserving has become a lost art.

You know, I'm rather interested in cookery myself.

If you ever want any recipes on German cooking or Swiss or Italian or French

cuisine.

Oh, by the way, what did you think of Andre?

More important, what do you think of him? Well, we did have a lovely time the

other night. He's taking me to the Golden Samovar this evening.

Popping for two dinners in one week. Well, you must rate.

Oh, well, we did have a lovely time the other night.

Andre is, uh... Well, he's, uh... Would you excuse me? I think my cookies are

burning. Thank you.

She doesn't have any cookies in the oven. It isn't even lit. Then why did

To avoid embarrassment.

She didn't want to admit that Andre isn't as romantic as she hoped.

Well, that's the trouble with women. They expect every Frenchman to behave

Charles Boyer.

Tim. Every woman is entitled to some shimmering, star -studded, magical

Especially one as nice as Laura Lee.

What was the name of that restaurant they're going to?

Uh, the Golden Samovar. Why?

Good evening and welcome to the Golden Samovar. Would you please be kind to

follow me this way?

Thank you very much, madam.

You get the table here. Oh, my,

this is a lovely place, Andrei.

This will be a night you will long remember.

They serve the finest Hungarian goulash in town.

Madam, please sit.

The Hungarian goulash and the chicken paprika is the speciality of this place.

It is like a symphony.

Excuse me.

Good evening, sir.

I'm looking for some friends of mine.

I beg your pardon, sir.

It's difficult to decide.

Everything looks so good.

I'm afraid before long I shall be needing reading glasses.

Oh, the light's much better over here.

Andre, what a surprise. Why didn't you tell me you brought it?

Believe me, I did not know I brought it myself.

Oh, you and your gallant wit. I just love your French sense of humor.

Would you care for some champagne?

Oh, my goodness. This is going to be a night to remember.

Garçon?

Yes, sir?

Some champagne, s 'il vous plaît?

Gladly. Tonight, two bottles for the prince of one.

Thank you. I had no idea.

Such a delicate fragrance.

Glad you own it.

Thank you.

Where does he think he's going?

Andre, you thought of everything.

You're feeling pretty good for a guy who almost married off his girl to somebody

else. We Martians believe in being philosophic. We have a saying, yesterday

yesterday and today is today.

Ah, well, that's the old fight.

Hi.

I want you two to be the first to know, Andre certainly surprised me last night.

Guess what he did?

Um, stuck you with a check.

Oh, Tim, I think Mrs. Brown has something to tell us. I most certainly

proposed.

Well, congratulations.

Well, I hope you two will be very happy.

Oh, well, you don't understand. I turned him down.

Turned him down?

That's right, and I'm not going to see him again.

Well, I don't understand.

Yesterday you said... Oh, yesterday was yesterday, and today is today.

That saying does get around.

You know, sometimes people don't know what they want. Oh, it was a perfect

evening with the champagne and the corsage and the soft music.

It was too perfect.

Too perfect? When you have perfection to start with, where can you go?

I mean, all the fun and excitement of life is gone.

I don't think I'll ever understand women.

I'll let you in on a little feminine secret, Tim.

Most women prefer a man who has a few faults.

Someone they can improve.

Like, uh... Now, Martin, you know you're not perfect.

Perhaps so, but you'll never get me to admit it.