Original subtitles

Is that you?

Hi, good morning.

Uncle Martin, did you know that you're invisible?

If I weren't by nature a kindly and gentle Martian, I'd also make Mrs. Brown

disappear.

Permanently. I saw her downstairs just now. She was acting sort of funny.

How could you tell?

Even for her, when I drove in, she was sneaking around the corner of the garage

as though she'd been up to something. She had.

I read her mind.

She was doing her homework.

Homework? Oh, now, don't tell me she's on another one of her self -improvement

kicks. I was in complete agreement when she went in for yoga, skin diving, even

Adagio dancing.

But a private eye?

Mrs. Brown?

A detective?

She's taking a correspondence course.

Now I've heard everything.

No, you haven't. Her first assignment is to prepare a complete dossier on the

private life of some unsuspecting subject. And guess who the unsuspecting

subject is?

Mrs. Sherlock Holmes is getting an early start.

I don't know why I even try to read that woman's mind. Every time I do, I get a

headache.

Tim. Tim, I have a very uneasy feeling.

Like this planet is about to be shaken off its axis.

Or something equally unpleasant.

Uncle Martin, look, if you're worried about Mrs. Brown, just forget it. Now,

what can she do? You have a new lock on your garage door, and the spaceship is

safely locked up inside. She'll never find it. Now, even if she finds your

manuscript, it reads like science fiction.

So that's no help. And the only other thing would be your flight log on your

trip from Mars. And that is under lock and key.

I'd feel better if Mrs. Brown were, too.

aftershave talcum, but isn't this a little silly?

Mrs. Brown has been dusting for fingerprints.

On your face?

In your bedroom.

She's been snooping. You mean that she's been in here playing detective while we

were out?

I mean exactly that.

Well, she can't do that. She just can't go nosing around.

We pay our rent.

I'm gonna go downstairs and tell her to stay out. First, you'll have to tell her

to get out. She's hiding in the clothes closet.

It's in the middle of the afternoon. You can't be sleepwalking.

Pleasant dreams.

Thank you.

Uncle Martin, I was just thinking, even if Mrs. Brown did discover something,

she wouldn't know it. Let me remind you that x -rays and penicillin were

discovered by accident.

And now the whole world knows about it. Well, look, you're always saying that

you want to get back to Mars. Now, maybe if they found out that you didn't have

a passport, they'd deport you. No, thank you. I wouldn't care to be shot home in

one of your Earth rockets. They're too primitive.

Not much better than one of your covered wagons. At least you wouldn't have to

face the hostile Indians.

Nor Mrs. Brown.

Something wrong?

Uncle Martin, what is it? What's the matter? How could I have been so stupid?

How could I have been so asininely, incredibly, and completely stupid?

Well, you don't think Mrs.

Brown discovered your Martian flight log. I know she found it. The drawer was

unlocked. I had it lying in there upside down. I always do.

I underestimated her. That's what I did. Me and my super Martian intellect.

I underestimated her.

That's not easy to do.

Well, I did it. When I found her here taking fingerprints, I assumed that's

she was doing.

So what if she did find it? She wouldn't understand that the whole thing is

written in Martian.

Tim, an amateur sleuth is infinitely more dangerous than a professional.

Alexander Graham Bell would never have invented the telephone if he had been an

expert electrician. He would have known it was impossible.

There are times when ignorance is an ally.

Well, do you think she knows enough to suspect anything?

I don't know what she knows, but somehow I've got to find out.

Well, that would be very, very simple for you. Why don't you just go

and read her mind?

You have no idea how much I've been trying to avoid that.

Do you know how painful that would be?

Do you have a better idea?

No, but I just have to be brave.

Can I get you a headache pill or something?

Oh, Tim, the only pills that will touch a headache like this are on Mars.

It isn't too bad reading Hermione in short bursts.

It's these sustained attacks that decimate the brain.

I've never seen you like this before.

I've never been third -degreed by Mrs. Brown before.

Third -degreed? She was like a bulldog.

I've never seen anything like it. I was ready to confess.

Confess, confess, I'll tell you anything. I did it. I did it.

Couldn't you read her mind at all?

Tim, out of that welter of confusion that lady calls her mind, I managed to

extract a few unhappy facts.

Such as?

Such as... she has a very small camera commonly used in espionage work.

She found the flight log and she took pictures of it.

Well, I don't think that's too serious. The only person that could read it would

be a Martian.

Tim.

Tim.

These are suspicious times, Tim.

If Mrs. Brown's school can't break down the log, they'll send it on to expert

cryptographers. From there, it could very well end up in the hands of

code specialists.

And the next thing we know...

I'll be under investigation as a suspected foreign agent.

Uncle Martin, do you remember what I told you about not worrying?

Yes, forget it. Okay.

Oh, Martin, wait a minute. You... Oh, hey, would you stop by the store and

up a pie for me? I'd be glad to. What kind?

Oh, any kind, except apple, peach, strawberry, pecan, apricot, lemon,

rhubarb. Mrs. Brown?

What's left?

Chocolate cream.

I should have known.

Naturally.

Thanks a lot.

You're entirely welcome.

What's that?

That, my boy, is a receipt for a roll of film which Mrs. Brown left at Murphy's

Drugstore.

Tim, would you say that I was moderately intelligent?

Well, of course.

Wouldn't you say that I was smarter than Mrs. Brown?

Uncle Martin, practically anybody is smarter than Mrs. Brown.

Then how do you explain this?

Out of focus, that's Mrs. Brown for you.

Well, these aren't the pictures she took yesterday. These are the pictures she

took two months ago.

Take me home.

Uncle Martin, you don't suppose that your thought waves got mixed up and Mrs.

Brown read your mind?

At this point, even that wouldn't surprise me.

Oh, I'm glad I got back before you did.

Here's your pie.

Oh, thank you, Martin.

I'll bet you don't know what I'm going to do with this. Oh, yes. Well, it seems

a long way around, but you're going to make a pudding out of it.

Yes.

I must admit, Martin, that was a good guess.

No guess. That was extrasensory perception working. Oh, I don't believe

All right. You think of a secret, and I'll try to read your mind.

Well, all right.

All right. Now, concentrate.

Concentrate good and hard.

You're going on a diet.

That isn't it. No?

Well, I would have sworn. Well, you were wrong. It was something else entirely.

You think I should go on a diet? Certainly not. I was going to protest

in the same breath.

Did you read her... Loud and clear.

She mailed the undeveloped film to the correspondence group.

Well, that's that.

No, it isn't.

I'll be right there with the morning mail.

Morning,

ma 'am, Mr. Pierce.

Fragile. Sorry, sir. I'll put them all back.

I'll see that you do.

Yes, sir. Just as soon as I finish delivering the mail to the rest of the

tenants.

Oh, no.

I be of service? I'm J.

Nathaniel Pierce.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Pierce? I was thinking of taking one of your

correspondence courses. Oh, splendid, friend.

Splendid. A very wise decision.

Now, just which career opportunity do you have in mind? Business

Law? Plumbing?

No, I thought I might be interested in your private detective course.

Very, very wise choice. Oh, yes, there's a great demand for private detectives

these days, you know. And it's very pleasant work. Very pleasant. It keeps

out in the open air.

Takes you to exotic places.

Hawaii, Miami Beach, Sunset Strip. Very enjoyable.

Why don't we just step right into my private office here, where I can give

some of my personal attention.

I just happen to have a few moments of free time right now.

I wanted to find out a little bit about how you operate before I decided

anything, Mr. Pierce. For example, would I send my lessons directly to this

office? Oh, yes. Yes, yes, we don't believe in spreading ourselves too thin

around here, yes. Why don't you sit down?

Oh, yes, well, a friend of mine was telling me something about a small

that's being used by private investigators. You're jumping way ahead

yourself, friend. We don't get to that till the third lesson.

Sign right there.

The contract? First thing first. Sign right here. Don't bother reading the

print.

Well, it's all fine print.

teach in our private investigation course is be a jerk.

There we go.

Well, uh... No, no, no, Mr. Pierce, I don't want to sign anything quite yet

until I find out some information, please.

I know what you're going to say, friend. You're going to say, how much, right?

No, no, that was not what I was going to say. Of course you are.

And I've got good news for you.

This course is positively and absolutely unequivocally free. There is positively

no charge.

Now, you may wonder how we can afford to do that.

Volume, my friend.

Strictly on a volume basis.

We don't charge you one red cent for the lessons.

However, we do make a small profit on the accoutrements necessary for the

Like this genuine little persuader here.

And we make it as painless as possible, too.

You see, every good private investigator needs good equipment.

And we sell that equipment to you practically at cost.

One piece at a time with each lesson.

Mr. Pierce, you remind me of a very good friend of mine, Mrs. Br... I'd love to

meet her sometime. I'm sure she's a charming woman if she's a friend of

Now, let's see, where was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Now, with lesson number one,

you'll need this high -power magnifying glass that helps you to examine personal

correspondence and other clues concerning your subject.

Now, also, you'll need a set of these genuine finest steel...

in case you need to restrain your subject. This friend of mine told me

mailing in some film to be developed.

Oh, yes, that's right, that's right. Now, with lesson number eight, you get

handy little item.

Knockout drops.

They're perfectly harmless and never gonna waste.

In case you have a little trouble sleeping, you can always use them on

Mr. Pierce, I hate to monopolize the conversation, but I would like to know

happens to this film after it gets here.

Well, I... I really couldn't say offhand, friend. I usually leave those

details to my secretary so I can devote all my time to the client. However, the

rates are very reasonable.

You see, we're always on the lookout for the best deal we can get so we can pass

the benefits on to you. Do you have any idea what time your secretary will be

in? Oh, she ought to be along any... Say, are you a cop?

Because if you are, let me tell you something right now. No matter how many

times we've been investigated...

Nobody has ever been able to prove a third.

I'm no policeman, I assure you.

Come in.

Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Pierce. I forgot to ask before.

That Mrs. Brown, she did it again. Forgot the postage.

You want to pay for it or send it back?

Send it back, send it back.

Yes, sir.

Now, let me show you our supplement.

You could disappear again.

What else is there?

Mrs. Brown. You think she'll still be a pest?

I was thinking more about Mrs. Brown as a person, as an individual.

Most people have two major preoccupations in life, Tim.

Family and economic survival.

Even if you have family problems, you've still got love.

And even if you're out of a job, you still have hope.

Mrs. Brown has no family. And she doesn't have to worry about her income.

Tim, she must be very lonely.

And loneliness can be a very bitter thing.

And maybe no one has ever told her that the only way to combat it is by being

useful, making yourself needed, finding worthwhile things to occupy your time.

The world is full of jobs that can be done only by people who have nothing to

give but their time.

And another thing, Mrs. Brown, don't you realize that what you're doing could be

very dangerous?

Dangerous? Certainly.

Private investigation is a very serious business.

These people are highly trained specialists, and sometimes they have to

rough. Well, I must admit, Martin, everything you've said makes a lot of

You're an attractive, gentle woman, Mrs. Brown.

Can you imagine yourself surrounded by half a dozen muscular brutes and trying

to fight your way out?

Oh, yeah!

Well, it looks like Mrs. Brown is her sweet self again, thanks to you.

It was really quite simple.

Merely a matter of explaining things to her in terms she could appreciate.

Oh, Martin!

Would you come here a minute, please?

I want to thank you for that little talk we had the other night.

I've been thinking it over very carefully, and you were right.

Detective work could be dangerous.

Oh, very dangerous.

I started taking judo lessons.