All language subtitles for My Favorite Martian s01e18 Who Am I

Bye.

Just don't sit there. Phone him.

Oh, right.

Who am I calling?

Your boss, of course.

Oh.

What for?

To tell him you're going to interview
Professor Downey. Who is he?

Tim, you're pulling my leg.

Professor Downey is the greatest
authority on rocket fuel you earthlings

Professor Eugene Downey, renowned space
fuel scientist, arrived last night to

spend 24 hours in Los Angeles.

He will address a conclave of scientists
at UCLA before departing for Sweden

this afternoon.

Now do you know who I'm talking about?

No.

How casually you treat genius down here.

If he were a top baseball pitcher, you'd
know everything about him. Right down

to the color of his socks.

Sure. Powder blue with red polka dots.

Professor Downey is just one inch away
from discovering the formula for rocket

fuel that could fly my spaceship back to
Mars.

Really?

He's that brilliant, huh? For one of
you, yes.

But on my planet, he'd be considered a
freshman in high school.

Hmm. I guess I'd be in kindergarten.

Nursery.

If I could get my hands on Professor
Downey's notes, I'd correct his

calculations and move him that extra
inch.

Well, what are you going to do? Tell him
you're a Martian? Of course not. Well,

he's going to ask you how come you know
so much.

Ask who?

Of course!

Sure! All you have to do is just
disappear and then get a hold of his

make the corrections.

And I'd be on my way back home.

On your way home.

Gee, Uncle Martin, are you, uh... Are
you really that anxious to get away from

me? No, I'll miss you, Tim.

But I'm anxious to see my birthplace
again.

To breathe that deoxygenated air.

To see my girlfriend.

Well, you never told me that you had a
girlfriend.

You never asked me.

You ought to see her, Tim.

She makes your beauty contest winners
look like marines.

Oh, real doll.

She's only 312 years old. Doesn't look a
day over 280.

Robbing the cradle.

You're pretty smug for someone who can't
even read minds.

Now... You call your boss and tell him
you're going to have that interview with

Professor Downey and that you're taking
along your own photographer.

Oh, uh, namely you? Right. Go to the
head of the class.

Well, that was a quick trip. We're on
our way to interview Professor Downey,

aren't we?

Right. And I'm supposed to be your
photographer, right?

Right. Then where's the camera?

Oh, the camera. The camera. Well, let's
see. I put it in the... No, no. It's

behind the... Oh,

Earth people. No wonder they can't
remember who killed Cock Robin.

Well, let me think.

I know what.

Just concentrate, and I'll read your
mind.

All right.

Where'd I leave the camera? In the
garage.

You know, it's a wonder you don't leave
your car in the clothes closet.

Well, now, let's see. I came in here to
fix a hinge in my camera, and I put

it... You put it right there.

Oh, yeah.

Well, on to Professor Downey. On to
Professor Downey.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

How do you feel?

Oh, my head is trying to tell me
something.

It hurts.

That's what it's trying to tell me.

Well, come on.

We better get going.

Going?

Where am I?

You're right here with me.

Well, that's rather obvious, isn't it,
young man?

Uncle Martin.

Are you... Uncle Martin.

Why do you call me Uncle Martin?

Because you're my Uncle Martin.

You're a very redundant young man, young
man.

I'm trying to find out why I'm here, who
you are, and who I am.

Now, wait a minute. Look, Uncle Martin,
I...

Boy, you really got hit with that monkey
wrench. You call me Uncle Martin, yet

you struck me with a monkey wrench?

Apparently our relationship leaves much
to be desired. I didn't strike you with

anything. The monkey wrench was hanging
in midair where you left it. A monkey

wrench hanging in midair?

Are you some kind of a nut?

I'm afraid you have amnesia. Why did you
strike me with that monkey wrench,

young man?

Tim O 'Hara and I didn't strike you.
Uncle Martin, don't you remember

What did you say your name was? Tim.
Well, Tim, you're a very pleasant young

man. You wear nice clothes. You comb
your hair neatly.

Please explain why you struck me with
that monkey wrench.

Don't you remember what you are?

What I am? It should be apparent that
I'm a man. Beyond that... You are not a

man. I beg your pardon? Well, you're a
man, but not really. Are you sure you

weren't struck with the monkey wrench?

You are a Martian. Ah, now we're getting
somewhere.

I'm a what?

A Martian.

A Martian? Yeah.

A Martian, like, uh, up there? Yeah.

Now I think I understand.

Oh, good. Do you really? Yes, you
kidnapped me, you drugged me, and now

trying to confuse me.

Well, I think you ought to stop, young
man, because I am as confused as a

can be.

Martian, not mortal.

What sort of drug did you use on me, and
why? I didn't. Am I wealthy? You

haven't got a dime. Then why did you
kidnap me? I didn't kidnap you. You came

me. Look, your spaceship was hit, and
you crash -landed.

Spaceship? It's downstairs in the
garage. You are a Martian, and you're

years old.

May I see a mirror?

For a man 450 years old, I seem rather
well -preserved, don't you think?

Well, that's the way you Martians are.
As a matter of fact, you have a

girlfriend up there that makes our
beauty contest winners look like

she's 312.

Well, she doesn't look a day over 280.

Cradle robber, eh? That's what I said.

Uh -huh, no, you didn't. I just said it.
No, that's what I said before when you

were telling me that you wanted to go to
Mars and then you wanted to see

Professor Downey.

Look, look, I, uh...

I can show you the spaceship. It's right
downstairs, and then maybe you'll

believe me. No matter what you take me
downstairs and show me, I will not

believe this ridiculous allegation that
I am a man from Mars.

Well, look, if we don't hurry up, you're
going to miss Professor Downey, and

then you'll be sorry. I don't know
Professor Downey, and I'm already sorry.

I'll show you the spaceship. Maybe then
you'll believe me. I doubt it.

Now you'll see that I'm telling you the
truth.

The spaceship, eh? I don't know what
game you're playing, young man, but you

certainly have a vivid imagination.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mrs. Brown.

Good morning, Mrs. Brown. Good morning,
Mrs. Brown.

Oh, my, you certainly are confused this
morning, Tim, isn't he?

He certainly is.

How do you do?

How old would you say she is, 600?

Now, what sort of thing is that to say
to a woman the first thing in the

morning? Well, Uncle Martin's not
feeling well, Mrs. Brown.

After that last remark, I don't feel so
well myself.

I'm sorry.

I didn't intend to insult you, madam.

I'm sure I would never insult a
stranger.

A stranger?

Now, why do you call me a stranger,
Uncle Martin?

Oh, am I your uncle, too? Uncle Martin,
please.

Well, now, whose uncle am I? Make up
your mind. Am I everybody's uncle?

Now, Mrs. Brown, you can see he's not
himself today.

Now, let's not dally here. Open that
garage door and show me that... Shh!

I don't care if you shoot.

Madam, would you call the police?

This gentleman has a gun in my back.

A gun?

That's right, Mrs. Brown. A gun.

I said call the police.

Yes, Mrs.

Brown, call the police.

Oh, I see.

My, it's such a pleasure to see two
grown men kidding around and playing

Madam, do not be duped. This is no game.

That's right, baby.

This is no game. It's for real.

I see. Well, have fun.

All right, you can put your hands down
now. I want you to know I'm not afraid.

No guns. See, I had to do something.

You mean anything but opening that
garage door because you know there's no

thing as a spaceship in there.

There is a spaceship in there, but only
you and I know it. Mrs. Brown has never

seen it. Now, look, if it's discovered,
you'll be exposed as a Martian, and you

don't want that.

Open that garage door.

I can't because Mrs. Brown will see the
spaceship.

Madam.

Madam, what is my name? Who am I?

Boys will be boys.

Boys will be boys. That's an odd name.

I've had enough of this nonsense.

I'm going to call the police. Oh, now,
wait a second. Come on, I'll show you

spaceship.

I've seen better models than that at the
World's Fair.

Well, there's only one way.

You have to see a doctor.

I'm not going to any...

Yes, yes, yes. It might be a very good
idea to see a doctor. Oh, good. Come on,

I'll take you down to Dr.

Billings and he'll help you out. Who's
Dr.

Billings? He's my doctor.

Oh, oh, so we're going to see one of
your henchmen, eh?

But, Uncle Martin... Well, just a moment
now. If you have nothing to hide, why

can't you take me to see a mutual
doctor? All right, I'll tell you what

do. We'll look in the phone book and
pick a name at random, okay? Now, come

Well, shall we drive or shall we use my
spaceship?

Martian.

Now then, gentlemen, what can I do for
you?

Oh, well, Doctor, my uncle received a
blow on the head with a monkey wrench.

Oh, how did that happen? Well, you see,
Doctor, it was hanging in midair and

decided to strike me.

I see.

Well, can you examine him right away,
Doctor, and... Hanging in mid -air?

what he says.

Doctor, isn't the most important thing
to examine the patient at once?

Of course.

Would you please step into the examining
room?

Doctor, are there any monkey wrenches in
your examining room?

Of course not. You never can tell.

Now, about this monkey wrench hanging in
the midair.

Oh, yes. Well, Doctor, you see, he
doesn't realize what he's saying.

He has amnesia.

Oh, I see.

Well, then we'll just jot down a few
particulars and we'll get right at it.

Now then, what is his name?

Bill Martin O 'Hara.

And place of birth?

Mars. Sten...ville.

Here and there. Doctor, is that really
very important right now?

Well, your uncle doesn't appear to be in
any distress, and naturally I have to

know with whom I am dealing.

Yes, Doctor, I can appreciate that, but
you see, time is so important.

My uncle has to see Professor Downey
before he leaves for Sweden today.

Now then, how old is he?

Well, he's 405... Doctor, can't this
wait? You see, Professor Downey is an

important scientist.

I know very well who Professor Downey
is.

Everyone knows who Professor Downey is.
Well, I didn't. All I knew is that the

top baseball pitcher in the league wears
polka dot socks.

He wears stripes.

What kind of a Dodger fan are you?

Now then.

Doctor. Of course, of course.

Doctor, I've been very anxious to talk
to you.

Oh, I know you have. I know. Please sit
down here.

You see, that young man in there is very
dangerous.

Oh, really? Well, you just relax a
moment here, and now please say ah.

There's nothing wrong with my ah.

Right now, I think it's vital that you
examine that young man, not me.

Will you please say ah?

It's true I don't know who I am, but
that's because he drugged me.

Ah? If you find out what he's up to,
then we can get to the bottom of this.

First, I'd like to get to the bottom of
your throat. You see, Doctor, he claims

I'm a Martian. Will you please say...
How's that again?

He insists I'm a Martian, that I have a
spaceship and I'm 450 years old.

He also thinks our star pitcher wears
polka dot socks.

There you are.

Please examine him, Doctor. It's my only
chance of finding out what the truth

is.

I don't know what's going on here, but
one of you is going to get a big bill.

Well, you'll find out that I'm telling
the...

What was that sound?

Uh, uh, nothing, Doctor, nothing.

I wish I knew.

I heard strange noises.

Are you alone in here?

There's nobody in here but me and my
finger.

Furthermore, he says you said he was a
Martian. Oh, that's ridiculous.

I agree. Then why did you say it?

Well, I said it because... I didn't say
it. Doctor, you wouldn't understand.

You also said he was 460 years old. 450.

Then you did say it. Yes. No, no.
Doctor, look. There are some things you

explain to people that you can't explain
to people, so they're better left

unexplained. Does that explain it?

Of course.

If you would just explain what you just
said.

A series of unusual phenomena occurred
in there just now, and I failed to

comprehend it.

I'll be with you in just a moment.

Have you been feeling odd lately? Oh,
look at the time.

Uncle Martin, if we don't see Professor
Downey soon... If you just wait till I

finish with him... That's quite a trick.

You haven't seen anything yet.

I was just about to ask you that very
question.

Wires? Mirrors? You know, the old
gimmicks. I resent that. There isn't a

attached to that finger. Look.

Oh, you see why they call him the great
Martino? He's so amazing that he even

believes himself.

That's a forced laugh if ever I heard
one. I am telling you that you are a

magician and there are wires attached to
your finger.

Teeny weeny wires. And I'm telling you
that you are a teeny weeny wire. Liar.

While I was examining him in the other
room, you set up those wires.

Are you fellas in showbiz?

Is that it?

I should have known.

Always having fun.

That's us, Doc.

Showbiz funders. Well, thank you very
much. I'm not going anywhere until I

out who I am and who you are.

Say, would you do me a favor?

I'd like my nurse to see these tricks.

She sees nothing but sick people all
day. Let's give her a laugh.

Well, I don't mind if my finger doesn't
mind.

Martians. What a sense of humor.

I'm not really the great Martino, am I?
Of course not.

But you said I was.

I had to. Then you deliberately lied.

Uncle Martin, what am I going to do with
you? Haven't you done enough?

Uncle Martin, will you try to
understand?

I'm telling you the truth.

You are a Martian.

You can even disappear.

Oh? Am I a witch?

All Martians can disappear. I wish you
would.

Uncle Martin, try.

Just once.

Concentrate on disappearing. I will not.
You're afraid because you know I'm

right.

There. You see? I'm still here. And so
are your antennae.

Hey, that's a crazy haircut somebody
gave me.

No. Those are your antennae. Now, you
can disappear. Just concentrate on it.

ahead.

How do I get back in?

Well, I'll tell you later, but right
now, just keep quiet.

Well, here she is.

This is my nurse.

Where's your partner?

Oh, he had to leave. Well, goodbye,
Doctor, and thank you very much for all

laughs. Oh, thank you, but I wanted my
nurse to see some of these tricks.

Tricks? What tricks?

You should have seen him. He made
everything move and fly. He did it with

Now, that chair, it went up in the air,
and it blew all the way around the room.

Blew around the room?

Yes.

And that pencil holder. He lifted it up
and... Well, they did.

Doc, you've been working too hard.

Don't give me that.

Did you see that?

See what?

That door.

It opened by itself.

I didn't say ah.

Yeah, that's right.

And you've been living with me ever
since.

And I did that?

Oh, yeah. You can do most anything.

And you say we were on our way to
interview that Professor Downey? That's

Now, look. You were standing right over
here. And then I turned to you and I

said, on to Professor Downey. And then I
said, on to Professor Downey.

Uncle Martin, how do you feel?

Oh, I feel like I've been hit on the
head with a hammer.

You were.

Oh, how did that happen?

Oh, don't tell me you forgot that, too.

Oh, Tim, why are we sitting here talking
when we have to see Professor Downey?

Oh, boy, what a day this has been. First
you get... You've got a what?

What are you talking about? We've got to
see Professor Downey before he leaves

for Sweden. Uncle Martin, you're normal!

Normal? That's an insult. I'm a Martian.
Oh, say that again.

I'm a Martian. What's the matter with
you?

Nothing, nothing. It's just that I've
been worried about you all day ever

you lost your memory.

Lost my memory?

Why are you talking in riddles?

Oh, all day long you haven't been able
to remember one thing. Holy Saturn, look

at the time.

We're going to miss Professor Downey and
you're talking gibberish.

Now, where's the camera? It was in the
garage. Well, let's get it and get out

UCLA. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't
go in the garage.

Why not? That's where you left the
camera, didn't you? That's right, but I

it. I will get it.

You're really back?

Back? I've never been away.

Stick

him up.

What's with her? Oh, humor. She's just
having fun.

Bang, bang.

Bang, bang.

It wasn't my fault that we missed
Professor Downey. I hope you haven't

all that time trying to find your
camera.

I didn't. Now, look, I'd explain this to
you, but you wouldn't understand.

I mean, now, there are some things you
should explain that can't be explained.

Is that explaining?

Would you mind explaining what you just
said?

That's what Dr. Gilbert said. Who's Dr.
Gilbert? I can't explain that. You

deliberately made me miss an opportunity
to get back to my planet.

I did not, honest.

Oh, no, you're not going to disappear on
me now, are you?

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

Now, this isn't fair. Will you just come
out and show yourself for one minute

and I can explain everything to you.
Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

The poor man.

Did you see?

It's the pressure.

There's just too much pressure in the
world today.

Now, come on. This is silly. I know
you're here.

Where can anyone go today where there's
no pressure?

Mars, I guess.

Mars?

Yeah. But how do you get there?

That's the problem, all right.

But I'll get back there one day.