Original subtitles

Bye.

Just don't sit there. Phone him.

Oh, right.

Who am I calling?

Your boss, of course.

Oh.

What for?

To tell him you're going to interview Professor Downey. Who is he?

Tim, you're pulling my leg.

Professor Downey is the greatest authority on rocket fuel you earthlings

Professor Eugene Downey, renowned space fuel scientist, arrived last night to

spend 24 hours in Los Angeles.

He will address a conclave of scientists at UCLA before departing for Sweden

this afternoon.

Now do you know who I'm talking about?

No.

How casually you treat genius down here.

If he were a top baseball pitcher, you'd know everything about him. Right down

to the color of his socks.

Sure. Powder blue with red polka dots.

Professor Downey is just one inch away from discovering the formula for rocket

fuel that could fly my spaceship back to Mars.

Really?

He's that brilliant, huh? For one of you, yes.

But on my planet, he'd be considered a freshman in high school.

Hmm. I guess I'd be in kindergarten.

Nursery.

If I could get my hands on Professor Downey's notes, I'd correct his

calculations and move him that extra inch.

Well, what are you going to do? Tell him you're a Martian? Of course not. Well,

he's going to ask you how come you know so much.

Ask who?

Of course!

Sure! All you have to do is just disappear and then get a hold of his

make the corrections.

And I'd be on my way back home.

On your way home.

Gee, Uncle Martin, are you, uh... Are you really that anxious to get away from

me? No, I'll miss you, Tim.

But I'm anxious to see my birthplace again.

To breathe that deoxygenated air.

To see my girlfriend.

Well, you never told me that you had a girlfriend.

You never asked me.

You ought to see her, Tim.

She makes your beauty contest winners look like marines.

Oh, real doll.

She's only 312 years old. Doesn't look a day over 280.

Robbing the cradle.

You're pretty smug for someone who can't even read minds.

Now... You call your boss and tell him you're going to have that interview with

Professor Downey and that you're taking along your own photographer.

Oh, uh, namely you? Right. Go to the head of the class.

Well, that was a quick trip. We're on our way to interview Professor Downey,

aren't we?

Right. And I'm supposed to be your photographer, right?

Right. Then where's the camera?

Oh, the camera. The camera. Well, let's see. I put it in the... No, no. It's

behind the... Oh,

Earth people. No wonder they can't remember who killed Cock Robin.

Well, let me think.

I know what.

Just concentrate, and I'll read your mind.

All right.

Where'd I leave the camera? In the garage.

You know, it's a wonder you don't leave your car in the clothes closet.

Well, now, let's see. I came in here to fix a hinge in my camera, and I put

it... You put it right there.

Oh, yeah.

Well, on to Professor Downey. On to Professor Downey.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

How do you feel?

Oh, my head is trying to tell me something.

It hurts.

That's what it's trying to tell me.

Well, come on.

We better get going.

Going?

Where am I?

You're right here with me.

Well, that's rather obvious, isn't it, young man?

Uncle Martin.

Are you... Uncle Martin.

Why do you call me Uncle Martin?

Because you're my Uncle Martin.

You're a very redundant young man, young man.

I'm trying to find out why I'm here, who you are, and who I am.

Now, wait a minute. Look, Uncle Martin, I...

Boy, you really got hit with that monkey wrench. You call me Uncle Martin, yet

you struck me with a monkey wrench?

Apparently our relationship leaves much to be desired. I didn't strike you with

anything. The monkey wrench was hanging in midair where you left it. A monkey

wrench hanging in midair?

Are you some kind of a nut?

I'm afraid you have amnesia. Why did you strike me with that monkey wrench,

young man?

Tim O 'Hara and I didn't strike you. Uncle Martin, don't you remember

What did you say your name was? Tim. Well, Tim, you're a very pleasant young

man. You wear nice clothes. You comb your hair neatly.

Please explain why you struck me with that monkey wrench.

Don't you remember what you are?

What I am? It should be apparent that I'm a man. Beyond that... You are not a

man. I beg your pardon? Well, you're a man, but not really. Are you sure you

weren't struck with the monkey wrench?

You are a Martian. Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

I'm a what?

A Martian.

A Martian? Yeah.

A Martian, like, uh, up there? Yeah.

Now I think I understand.

Oh, good. Do you really? Yes, you kidnapped me, you drugged me, and now

trying to confuse me.

Well, I think you ought to stop, young man, because I am as confused as a

can be.

Martian, not mortal.

What sort of drug did you use on me, and why? I didn't. Am I wealthy? You

haven't got a dime. Then why did you kidnap me? I didn't kidnap you. You came

me. Look, your spaceship was hit, and you crash -landed.

Spaceship? It's downstairs in the garage. You are a Martian, and you're

years old.

May I see a mirror?

For a man 450 years old, I seem rather well -preserved, don't you think?

Well, that's the way you Martians are. As a matter of fact, you have a

girlfriend up there that makes our beauty contest winners look like

she's 312.

Well, she doesn't look a day over 280.

Cradle robber, eh? That's what I said.

Uh -huh, no, you didn't. I just said it. No, that's what I said before when you

were telling me that you wanted to go to Mars and then you wanted to see

Professor Downey.

Look, look, I, uh...

I can show you the spaceship. It's right downstairs, and then maybe you'll

believe me. No matter what you take me downstairs and show me, I will not

believe this ridiculous allegation that I am a man from Mars.

Well, look, if we don't hurry up, you're going to miss Professor Downey, and

then you'll be sorry. I don't know Professor Downey, and I'm already sorry.

I'll show you the spaceship. Maybe then you'll believe me. I doubt it.

Now you'll see that I'm telling you the truth.

The spaceship, eh? I don't know what game you're playing, young man, but you

certainly have a vivid imagination.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mrs. Brown.

Good morning, Mrs. Brown. Good morning, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, my, you certainly are confused this morning, Tim, isn't he?

He certainly is.

How do you do?

How old would you say she is, 600?

Now, what sort of thing is that to say to a woman the first thing in the

morning? Well, Uncle Martin's not feeling well, Mrs. Brown.

After that last remark, I don't feel so well myself.

I'm sorry.

I didn't intend to insult you, madam.

I'm sure I would never insult a stranger.

A stranger?

Now, why do you call me a stranger, Uncle Martin?

Oh, am I your uncle, too? Uncle Martin, please.

Well, now, whose uncle am I? Make up your mind. Am I everybody's uncle?

Now, Mrs. Brown, you can see he's not himself today.

Now, let's not dally here. Open that garage door and show me that... Shh!

I don't care if you shoot.

Madam, would you call the police?

This gentleman has a gun in my back.

A gun?

That's right, Mrs. Brown. A gun.

I said call the police.

Yes, Mrs.

Brown, call the police.

Oh, I see.

My, it's such a pleasure to see two grown men kidding around and playing

Madam, do not be duped. This is no game.

That's right, baby.

This is no game. It's for real.

I see. Well, have fun.

All right, you can put your hands down now. I want you to know I'm not afraid.

No guns. See, I had to do something.

You mean anything but opening that garage door because you know there's no

thing as a spaceship in there.

There is a spaceship in there, but only you and I know it. Mrs. Brown has never

seen it. Now, look, if it's discovered, you'll be exposed as a Martian, and you

don't want that.

Open that garage door.

I can't because Mrs. Brown will see the spaceship.

Madam.

Madam, what is my name? Who am I?

Boys will be boys.

Boys will be boys. That's an odd name.

I've had enough of this nonsense.

I'm going to call the police. Oh, now, wait a second. Come on, I'll show you

spaceship.

I've seen better models than that at the World's Fair.

Well, there's only one way.

You have to see a doctor.

I'm not going to any...

Yes, yes, yes. It might be a very good idea to see a doctor. Oh, good. Come on,

I'll take you down to Dr.

Billings and he'll help you out. Who's Dr.

Billings? He's my doctor.

Oh, oh, so we're going to see one of your henchmen, eh?

But, Uncle Martin... Well, just a moment now. If you have nothing to hide, why

can't you take me to see a mutual doctor? All right, I'll tell you what

do. We'll look in the phone book and pick a name at random, okay? Now, come

Well, shall we drive or shall we use my spaceship?

Martian.

Now then, gentlemen, what can I do for you?

Oh, well, Doctor, my uncle received a blow on the head with a monkey wrench.

Oh, how did that happen? Well, you see, Doctor, it was hanging in midair and

decided to strike me.

I see.

Well, can you examine him right away, Doctor, and... Hanging in mid -air?

what he says.

Doctor, isn't the most important thing to examine the patient at once?

Of course.

Would you please step into the examining room?

Doctor, are there any monkey wrenches in your examining room?

Of course not. You never can tell.

Now, about this monkey wrench hanging in the midair.

Oh, yes. Well, Doctor, you see, he doesn't realize what he's saying.

He has amnesia.

Oh, I see.

Well, then we'll just jot down a few particulars and we'll get right at it.

Now then, what is his name?

Bill Martin O 'Hara.

And place of birth?

Mars. Sten...ville.

Here and there. Doctor, is that really very important right now?

Well, your uncle doesn't appear to be in any distress, and naturally I have to

know with whom I am dealing.

Yes, Doctor, I can appreciate that, but you see, time is so important.

My uncle has to see Professor Downey before he leaves for Sweden today.

Now then, how old is he?

Well, he's 405... Doctor, can't this wait? You see, Professor Downey is an

important scientist.

I know very well who Professor Downey is.

Everyone knows who Professor Downey is. Well, I didn't. All I knew is that the

top baseball pitcher in the league wears polka dot socks.

He wears stripes.

What kind of a Dodger fan are you?

Now then.

Doctor. Of course, of course.

Doctor, I've been very anxious to talk to you.

Oh, I know you have. I know. Please sit down here.

You see, that young man in there is very dangerous.

Oh, really? Well, you just relax a moment here, and now please say ah.

There's nothing wrong with my ah.

Right now, I think it's vital that you examine that young man, not me.

Will you please say ah?

It's true I don't know who I am, but that's because he drugged me.

Ah? If you find out what he's up to, then we can get to the bottom of this.

First, I'd like to get to the bottom of your throat. You see, Doctor, he claims

I'm a Martian. Will you please say... How's that again?

He insists I'm a Martian, that I have a spaceship and I'm 450 years old.

He also thinks our star pitcher wears polka dot socks.

There you are.

Please examine him, Doctor. It's my only chance of finding out what the truth

is.

I don't know what's going on here, but one of you is going to get a big bill.

Well, you'll find out that I'm telling the...

What was that sound?

Uh, uh, nothing, Doctor, nothing.

I wish I knew.

I heard strange noises.

Are you alone in here?

There's nobody in here but me and my finger.

Furthermore, he says you said he was a Martian. Oh, that's ridiculous.

I agree. Then why did you say it?

Well, I said it because... I didn't say it. Doctor, you wouldn't understand.

You also said he was 460 years old. 450.

Then you did say it. Yes. No, no. Doctor, look. There are some things you

explain to people that you can't explain to people, so they're better left

unexplained. Does that explain it?

Of course.

If you would just explain what you just said.

A series of unusual phenomena occurred in there just now, and I failed to

comprehend it.

I'll be with you in just a moment.

Have you been feeling odd lately? Oh, look at the time.

Uncle Martin, if we don't see Professor Downey soon... If you just wait till I

finish with him... That's quite a trick.

You haven't seen anything yet.

I was just about to ask you that very question.

Wires? Mirrors? You know, the old gimmicks. I resent that. There isn't a

attached to that finger. Look.

Oh, you see why they call him the great Martino? He's so amazing that he even

believes himself.

That's a forced laugh if ever I heard one. I am telling you that you are a

magician and there are wires attached to your finger.

Teeny weeny wires. And I'm telling you that you are a teeny weeny wire. Liar.

While I was examining him in the other room, you set up those wires.

Are you fellas in showbiz?

Is that it?

I should have known.

Always having fun.

That's us, Doc.

Showbiz funders. Well, thank you very much. I'm not going anywhere until I

out who I am and who you are.

Say, would you do me a favor?

I'd like my nurse to see these tricks.

She sees nothing but sick people all day. Let's give her a laugh.

Well, I don't mind if my finger doesn't mind.

Martians. What a sense of humor.

I'm not really the great Martino, am I? Of course not.

But you said I was.

I had to. Then you deliberately lied.

Uncle Martin, what am I going to do with you? Haven't you done enough?

Uncle Martin, will you try to understand?

I'm telling you the truth.

You are a Martian.

You can even disappear.

Oh? Am I a witch?

All Martians can disappear. I wish you would.

Uncle Martin, try.

Just once.

Concentrate on disappearing. I will not. You're afraid because you know I'm

right.

There. You see? I'm still here. And so are your antennae.

Hey, that's a crazy haircut somebody gave me.

No. Those are your antennae. Now, you can disappear. Just concentrate on it.

ahead.

How do I get back in?

Well, I'll tell you later, but right now, just keep quiet.

Well, here she is.

This is my nurse.

Where's your partner?

Oh, he had to leave. Well, goodbye, Doctor, and thank you very much for all

laughs. Oh, thank you, but I wanted my nurse to see some of these tricks.

Tricks? What tricks?

You should have seen him. He made everything move and fly. He did it with

Now, that chair, it went up in the air, and it blew all the way around the room.

Blew around the room?

Yes.

And that pencil holder. He lifted it up and... Well, they did.

Doc, you've been working too hard.

Don't give me that.

Did you see that?

See what?

That door.

It opened by itself.

I didn't say ah.

Yeah, that's right.

And you've been living with me ever since.

And I did that?

Oh, yeah. You can do most anything.

And you say we were on our way to interview that Professor Downey? That's

Now, look. You were standing right over here. And then I turned to you and I

said, on to Professor Downey. And then I said, on to Professor Downey.

Uncle Martin, how do you feel?

Oh, I feel like I've been hit on the head with a hammer.

You were.

Oh, how did that happen?

Oh, don't tell me you forgot that, too.

Oh, Tim, why are we sitting here talking when we have to see Professor Downey?

Oh, boy, what a day this has been. First you get... You've got a what?

What are you talking about? We've got to see Professor Downey before he leaves

for Sweden. Uncle Martin, you're normal!

Normal? That's an insult. I'm a Martian. Oh, say that again.

I'm a Martian. What's the matter with you?

Nothing, nothing. It's just that I've been worried about you all day ever

you lost your memory.

Lost my memory?

Why are you talking in riddles?

Oh, all day long you haven't been able to remember one thing. Holy Saturn, look

at the time.

We're going to miss Professor Downey and you're talking gibberish.

Now, where's the camera? It was in the garage. Well, let's get it and get out

UCLA. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't go in the garage.

Why not? That's where you left the camera, didn't you? That's right, but I

it. I will get it.

You're really back?

Back? I've never been away.

Stick

him up.

What's with her? Oh, humor. She's just having fun.

Bang, bang.

Bang, bang.

It wasn't my fault that we missed Professor Downey. I hope you haven't

all that time trying to find your camera.

I didn't. Now, look, I'd explain this to you, but you wouldn't understand.

I mean, now, there are some things you should explain that can't be explained.

Is that explaining?

Would you mind explaining what you just said?

That's what Dr. Gilbert said. Who's Dr. Gilbert? I can't explain that. You

deliberately made me miss an opportunity to get back to my planet.

I did not, honest.

Oh, no, you're not going to disappear on me now, are you?

Oh, come on, Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

Now, this isn't fair. Will you just come out and show yourself for one minute

and I can explain everything to you. Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

The poor man.

Did you see?

It's the pressure.

There's just too much pressure in the world today.

Now, come on. This is silly. I know you're here.

Where can anyone go today where there's no pressure?

Mars, I guess.

Mars?

Yeah. But how do you get there?

That's the problem, all right.

But I'll get back there one day.