Original subtitles

The carpet must have a break to the right.

I guess

it has a break to the left.

known it was you.

Hey, look, I have a great idea. Why don't you join me in the news reporter's

golf tournament next month? Oh, I'm afraid that would be cheating.

Oh, they play golf on Mars? They used to, but they had to give it up when we

discovered the powers of levitation.

Everyone shot a par 18.

That ball return is the most interesting gadget.

Do you mind if I examine it?

Be my guest.

Maybe your finger didn't get enough sleep last night Well,

it never happened before

Hello, Frank.

I've just detected a huge sunspot on my sealostat.

Yes, magnetic polarities are all mixed up.

Far more severe than the spots of 1958.

It's really going to play havoc with communications everywhere.

You'd better give the usual warning to all communications agencies.

No telling how long this group will last or how bad they may get.

I'll keep you posted.

These Martian hands weren't designed to use your primitive earth tools.

Did you hurt yourself?

I scraped my knuckles.

You know, back home, we have nails that drive themselves.

I'm sorry I messed up one of your handkerchiefs.

Forget it.

Get it out.

Come on, Uncle Martin, cut it out.

Cut it cut out what?

Fool around with the typewriter.

I don't know what you're talking about. What are you talking about that? Now,

will you stop using your Martian levitation powers?

I'm not.

Well, maybe you're doing with your elbow.

Now, Uncle Martin, look, I am in the middle of an assignment. This is no time

for a practical joke.

Believe me, whatever is happening is happening by itself.

Do you know that you look like a walking junkyard? I'm not able to find any

humor in that.

Now what are you doing?

Nothing. My coveralls seem to have become magnetized. Well, now, you can't

magnetize cloth.

You can when the base of the thread is a metal.

Well, it looks like your coverall doesn't cover all.

Well, why did you insist on burning the coverall? Well, no matter how remote the

possibility, I cannot take the chance of someone discovering I'm from another

planet. Unless I destroy them, someone just might find them and wonder where

material came from.

You have no idea how they became magnetized?

No, something must have set up an electrical field that magnetized the

metal in the fabric. Well, you can always buy another pair of coveralls.

like these.

They were practically new. I only had them 175 years.

175 years?

Yes. And they were hand -me -downs from my father.

But that's all right. I've got another pair in the spaceship.

Uncle Martin, now you cut that out. Do you want someone to see you? That's the

last thing I want.

I can't get down. Well, something must be wrong.

That's an astute observation.

Uncle Martin, now you stop lying there. Do something.

I can't.

I can't get my legs to go down.

Well, maybe I can help, huh?

Better?

How do you feel now?

Fine. Oh, that's good, that's good.

My pulse is 218, and my temperature is 131.

I'm normal.

You account for spending almost ten minutes in midair. I haven't the

idea.

Come in.

Anybody home?

Oh, no, Mrs. Brown. We left about five minutes ago. Oh, Tim, you're always

spoofing.

Say, if you have a minute, I'd like to try something out on you.

Another cake?

No, not this time.

You know, you never did tell me how you liked the pie I made you last week.

Hey, that was different. What was it? Cherry chicken. Wasn't it delicious?

I never got anything like that back home.

Well, what can we do for you? Well, with all the time I've had on my hands

lately, I thought I'd put it to some practical use.

I'm going to sell insurance.

Well, I think that's a wonderful idea.

I've worked up a little sales pitch to use on potential customers, and I'd like

to try it out on you.

Go right ahead, Mrs. Brown.

You know, I've always heard that honesty is the best policy.

Insurance is the best policy.

The manual says to start out with a little joke. You've succeeded.

Now, are you ready for the sales pitch? On your mark, get set, sell.

Well, you're supposed to ask me which is the best policy for you.

Which is the best policy for me?

I have no idea.

Just a moment, I'll check.

Hmm.

Well, it seems to depend on a lot of things.

Like what?

Well, for one thing, whether you're a man or a woman.

Now, let's make it a hypothetical case, and let's say you're a man.

All right, for argument's sake, let's say Tim's a man.

The policy you should consider is an endowment with a clause to convert it to

whole life, unless term insurance is required to protect the present, and 20

life can be used in conjunction with future premiums, excluding dividends.

Well, that's the whole thing in a nutshell.

Oh, did I, uh, did I do a convincing job?

Yes, Mrs. Brown, I think you cover just about everything.

Oh, fine.

Now, how much insurance do you want?

Well, I'm fully covered by insurance at the newspaper. I'm covered right up to

here. Well, don't you want to cover the rest of you?

Oh, uh, Uncle Martin isn't covered.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, well, now, what kind of insurance would you be interested in? Oh, a policy

that would protect me from insurance salesmen.

We're spoofing again.

Mrs. Brown, you're a born saleswoman. Just leave the forms and I'll fill them

out. Oh, fine.

Well, that's the second policy I've sold today.

Who bought the first one? I did.

Well, I must be going.

A bulb blew out and I have to run down to the store and buy a new one.

Oh, we have some extra bulbs.

Oh, and I'll get you one so you don't have to make a special trip. Oh, that'd

wonderful.

I couldn't find anything.

I'm sure we have something. Oh, men can never find anything.

It's probably in the closet.

I knew I could find

one. Thank you.

Oh, you won't forget to fill out the application.

No, no, I'll mail it in. I'll mail it in. Oh, fine. Thank you and bye.

Whatever it is, you're awfully nice to read by.

Who would have thought that I would wind up at the floor lamp?

I wish I knew what was wrong.

Uncle Martin, look, I'm getting a little worried about you. I think maybe you

better see a doctor.

I think it would be more appropriate to see an electrician.

Now, look.

You admit yourself that there is something wrong with you. Now, why are

being so stubborn about going and seeing a doctor?

Whatever's wrong with me is beyond the scope of your physicians here on Earth.

Are all Martians as stubborn as you?

No one on Mars is stubborn. You will not find the word stubborn in the Martian

dictionary. And if you don't mind, I'm trying to watch the program.

Then what?

Do you call it?

Call what? Your attitude.

I'm merely applying logic.

I'm from another planet.

And although my physical structure is much the same as yours, there are

metabolic processes which are totally dissimilar. They require highly complex

diagnosis far beyond the realm of your primitive position.

Therefore, it would not be logical for me to consult them regarding my problem.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes.

You're stubborn. Now, Uncle Martin, will you just please do it for me?

Tim, it's useless.

Well, you talk as though it'd kill you.

Tim, if for one minute I thought that they could help, I would do it.

Now, if I'm involved in the television set.

Tim!

Tim, I'm shrunk.

I'm nothing but a sample.

Oh, my gosh.

I told you to see a doctor.

Well, do you know a witch doctor?

One who specializes in shrunken goods?

Uncle Martin, can you make yourself any bigger? No, no, I'm trying.

I thought Martians could do everything.

I'm worried. I never had this problem before.

I wonder what's going to happen next.

You stop worrying.

It happened. What?

You're gone.

You're right. I am.

And I can't make myself reappear.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received information from Mount Palomar

Observatory that due to an extremely heavy bombardment of sunspots,

communications have been interrupted. Please forgive the interference in the

video part of our program.

Sunspots. That's what's playing havoc with my metabolism.

Well, is there any way you can counteract them? On Mars, yes.

On Earth, no.

Well, how long do sunspots last?

They can last for a few days or weeks or months. And there was one extreme case

that lasted 112 years.

Uncle Martin, I'm afraid I can't wait that long.

Uncle Martin?

Yes, Tim.

Did you, uh, did you check with the observatory again?

Same old thing.

The sunspots are continuing without any sign of a let -up.

The Earth is closer to the sun than Mars is.

That's why I must be so susceptible.

Well, don't worry, Uncle Martin.

I'm sure you'll come back again soon.

I hope so.

It's making me nervous. It's been four days now that I've been looking into a

mirror and nothing looks back.

Perhaps the sunspots will stop soon. As soon as they do, I'll reappear.

You know something, Uncle Martin?

Right now, I'd rather see you than Elizabeth Taylor.

I'll guess.

How do you do?

I'm the field representative for the Southern Mutual Life and Accident

Mrs. Brown wrote a policy on Martin O 'Hara.

Are you Mr. O 'Hara? Oh, well, I'm Tim O 'Hara. Oh, his nephew, the beneficiary.

Well, my name is Stone, William Stone, and I make a practice of personally

welcoming new policyholders into the company. Is your uncle home?

Well, yes, he is.

May I see him for a moment?

No, you can't. I mean, no, he isn't.

Home, that is.

Well, is he or is it he?

He isn't.

Do you know where he is? Well, I haven't seen him for a few days. Is he in town?

Oh, he is. He's in town.

Well, when can I see him? He isn't in town.

First you say he's home, but he isn't home. Then he's in town, but he isn't in

town. I just don't understand.

Well, you see, he's out of town. On business.

Well, that's peculiar.

According to this policy, he's retired.

Oh, well, he's out of town.

Old retirement business.

When do you think he might be back?

Well, he could be back in two or three minutes.

And then again, I may not see him for two or three months.

Two or three months.

Or longer. That's possible.

Well, thank you for your time.

You've been most helpful.

I

think he's

suspicious. I know, but what could I do about it? Yell you who, here I am?

I guess you're right.

Where are you?

Now, let me see how this sounds.

Sir?

May I trouble you for a minute?

The policy you should consider is an endowment with a clause to convert it to

whole life, unless term insurance is required to protect the present. And 20

life can be used in conjunction with future premiums, excluding dividends.

I think that sounds pretty good.

Maybe I can make it a little stronger.

Let's see.

Miss Brown!

Oh, come on in!

I was just practicing my insurance speech.

Oh, well.

I just thought that I would come by and drop off the rent. Oh, thank you.

You know, having you and Martin as tenants is such a pleasure, I almost

take this.

Oh, well, in that case... Oh, well, it's not that much of a pleasure.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you.

Somebody's coming to see you.

Who? The police.

The police?

Yes, they think you killed your Uncle Martin. Isn't that ridiculous?

They think what? I told Mr. Stone he was wrong. You know the man from the

insurance company. But he insisted on reporting to the police that your Uncle

Martin was missing.

By the way, where is your Uncle Martin?

Away.

You see, I told Mr. Stone he wasn't missing.

I know you told it to me twice, but make me happy.

Tell it to me again from the beginning.

Lieutenant Gibson.

The last time I saw my uncle was five days ago, and he up and left.

He didn't pack, didn't take any clothing, didn't tell you where he was

when he was coming back, and he hasn't called.

That's right. He never took off like this before.

Fella, if I were you, and you were me, and I told you that cockamamie story,

would you believe me? No.

Dan, it's true.

Now, what have we here?

Looked like a couple of buttons.

Yours? Well, I don't recall ever having seen them.

Well, of course you do, Tim. They're from your Uncle Martin's cover -off.

are.

Yes, they are. How observant of you, Mrs. Brown.

I didn't notice because they were charcoal broils.

What are they doing in the barbecue?

Who are you, lady?

That's Mrs. Brown, my landlady.

You rent the apartment to Mr. O 'Hara? Yes, and if he's in any trouble, I'd

to help. Why, he's the nicest tenant I ever had.

Now, you say these buttons came from coveralls that belonged to Mr. Martin O

'Hara? I know them like I know my own name.

Mrs. Brown.

That's her name, all right. Mrs. Brown.

Now, Mrs. Brown, I'd like to talk to you when I finish with Mr. O 'Hara.

Could you wait around a few minutes, please?

You and your uncle got along well?

Oh, yes. Yes, as a matter of fact, we were very close.

Oh, I can vouch for that, why, they were closer than close.

In fact, it was Tim who insisted that Martin take out that insurance policy.

Oh, he did?

That's why Martin made Tim the beneficiary. Now, you know you've got to

to do that.

Now, you say you and your uncle got along well.

No, uh, disagreements?

No. No fights?

No fights? I'll back him up on that. You see, I live in the house right in the

front, and they are the nicest, quietest tenants I ever had, and I can tell you

they never had a single fight.

No arguments?

Never.

Oh, well, just that one time, but, oh, it wasn't even worth mentioning.

Well, mention it anyway.

When was that? Oh, about four or five days ago, but, oh, it was nothing,

That was just about the time Martin O 'Hara disappeared.

What were they fighting about? Oh, they weren't fighting. No, no, Tim was

pleading with Martin to do something or other. Oh, but I'm sure it was nothing

harmful. In fact, I distinctly heard Tim assure Martin that it wouldn't kill

him.

Um, Mrs. Brown, please.

Well, I'm just trying to help you. Oh, I don't need it.

Let her help you. Let her help you.

Initials. T .O.

Yours?

I guess so.

If these stains are blood, they better be yours, too.

As a matter of fact, that's not my blood.

Whose blood is it?

Then it was Mr. O 'Hara's idea for his uncle to take out the insurance.

Well, yes and no.

What do you mean, yes and no?

Well, yes, if I have to tell the truth, and no, if I don't have to.

You have to?

Yes.

Thank you, Mrs. Brown.

Well, that's another nail in my coffin.

You know, I'm beginning to feel, uh... Less and less confident about acting as

my own attorney.

Don't worry. With me here, it's the same as having Clarence Darrow sitting next

to me. Right now, I would trade in one Clarence Darrow for one live in the

Martian who couldn't talk his way out of a traffic ticket.

Mr. O 'Hara, I'm trying to conduct a hearing.

I'm sorry.

Lieutenant Gibson, one of the items in evidence was a blood -stained

handkerchief. Yes, sir. The police laboratory checked out the blood type,

definitely was not that of Tim O 'Hara.

Well, I've covered enough of these things to know I'm really in a lot of

trouble. I've never covered one before, but I'm prone to agree with you. Please,

Mr. O 'Hara, you'll have ample time to talk later.

Meanwhile, I will not stand for any further disturbance.

Sorry.

Better be careful. They'll begin to wonder about you.

Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe I could plead insanity.

Tim, this has gone far enough.

I'm afraid I'll have to tell them the truth.

What? What do you mean, tell them the truth?

I will not jeopardize your life.

I shall tell them I'm a Martian. You can't do that. Besides, they wouldn't

believe you.

I'll tell them how I landed here, and I'll explain how the sunspots have made

invisible. Now, just one second. I'm not going to let you do that. I mean, I

know how much this means to you, and besides, this condition is only

Is he off his rocket?

Mr. O 'Hara, will you please stop talking to yourself?

Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

Gentlemen, there is something you should know. Gentlemen, there is something

that you should know.

Now, Tim, let me speak. Yes, now, Tim, let me speak. Speech to speech, I pray

you. Let the words fall... There's no time for games. I've got to tell the

truth. Yeah, I've got to tell the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the

truth. Abraham Lincoln said that.

Tim. Abraham Lincoln, yes, one of our greatest, greatest presidents. He took

this country through perilous times.

but we'd better schedule a psychiatric examination for him immediately.

Lieutenant Gibson, you'd better take him into custody.

It's working, Uncle Martin. Now, look, while they're giving me these tests,

maybe you'll reappear.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

I know you're innocent, Tim. I just

know it.

Oh, thanks a lot, Mrs. Brown. You wouldn't hurt your Uncle Martin.

Even if you killed him.

Uncle Martin, am I glad to see you.

Are you his uncle?

Yes, I am. Well, we've been looking for you for weeks. Where have you been?

On the freeway. You know those traffic jams.

Mrs. Brown sent this up to welcome us both back.

What did she conjure up this time?

know, but it sure smells delicious.

There you go.

Mrs. Brown has outdone herself this time.

Pineapple pickle.

Well, I'll, uh... I'll get you something else.

What do you want?

Oh, uh, cheese and crackers.

Uncle Martin?

The sunspots. You're gone again.

I dropped my phone.