Original subtitles

But, as the reader might expect, living among the natives was fraught with

privation.

The real hazard, however, is not physical, but mental.

Earth's whole atmosphere is permeated by raw, naked emotion.

Uh, mm -mm -mm -mm. No, no, strike that naked.

I don't want to sound like a movie act.

Sometimes my head throbs from reading Earth people's minds.

Such brutal passion.

Such a fight Tim and Dolores had.

Want to buy five pounds of peanut brittle? Cheap? You and Dolores fought.

should have been on closed circuit TV.

Uncle Martin, could you please get your own typewriter? Now, I know that this

sounds silly to you, but after you've used mine, it bucks.

You're just upset over Dolores.

Well, you don't understand.

That was the real thing.

Why, because she was a redhead?

No, because it was love at first sight.

Well, at least I thought it was.

Love at first sight.

Sounds fascinating.

I've read about it, but it's an emotion we don't have on Mars.

Don't have?

Either it wasn't worth bothering about, or it was jettison back in the dusky

ages. You mean the dark ages?

Tim, we were never that primitive.

Wait a minute.

What a fabulous chapter an unknown emotion could make for my book.

Tell me about it.

Me?

Well, it, uh... Well, it's sort of a... No, it's not like that at all.

No, it's, uh... It's more of a, uh... No, no.

Uncle Martin, look.

Even the poets can't do it justice.

It's not something that you tell.

It's something that you feel.

An emotion.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I wonder if I could... Oh, now, wait a minute. You make me nervous when you...

Hmm, like that.

If you could what?

Could experience the emotion myself.

He jests at scars that never felt a wound, but soft.

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Morning, Uncle Martin.

He speaks, yet he says nothing. What of that?

His eye discourses. I will answer him.

Uh, good morrow, Tim.

Gadzooks. Shakespeare.

An amazing fellow.

The only subject he didn't cover with a quotation is Mars. He retired early.

I still can't find whoever loved that loved not at first sight.

That was Marlowe.

Uncle Martin, I hope you're not still on that kick.

I've been priming all morning.

Oh, by the way, Tim, do you have a torn T -shirt I could borrow? I'm beginning

to feel earthy.

I'm afraid, Uncle Martin, that I misled you last night because this emotion is

not all that it's cracked up to be. You know something? You people are very wise

not to have it up there.

But some of your greatest literature is based on love at first sight. Romeo and

Juliet, Hero and Leander, Tarzan and Jane.

It's not all cloud nine.

People suffer.

Look at Dante.

Look at me.

You seem to have slept all right.

When will I wake up? You'll see some suffering that'll tear your heart out.

Now, just suppose you fell in love with a married woman.

That possibility doesn't stop you people.

No, I'm serious. There could be repercussions. This emotion carries you

You become captive.

You become helpless, powerless.

From your point of view, yes, but that's because you people are never in

complete control of yourselves.

With me, it's only an experiment.

Once I experience a feeling, I write it in my chapter, and that's the end of it.

I feel earthy.

I feel earthy.

I feel earthy.

I feel earthy.

I guess the feeling must have been bred out of us.

I was just leaving.

You didn't tell me you were going to bench hop.

Well, we were supposed to have lunch together, remember?

And boy, we got something to celebrate.

Dolores and I are back together again.

Mm -hmm.

What's the matter, Uncle Martin? You look a little peaked.

Uncle Martin?

Did it happen?

Well, how do you feel? Who is she?

I don't know.

It all happened so fast.

I never had a chance to...

Tim, I know nothing about her.

Tim, Tim, we have to find her.

But, Uncle Martin, you've already experienced the feeling.

So, I want to savor the feeling a little.

Uncle Martin, look, I've had it. I mean, Sunset Boulevard is 18 miles long.

But we've only come a short way. I know, Uncle Martin, but look. Well, maybe she

took a cab or a bus. Yes, yes. I guess you're right, Tim.

But it would have been nice knowing her name.

Look, Tim!

It's her!

That's her?

Peaches and cream?

when you fall, you sure do it literally.

Oh, nonsense.

Nonsense. It was hot.

We did a lot of walking.

And the mixture of your oxygen smog was too rich for me.

Will you please stop that?

Well, anyway, you know her name. Boy, I'm glad that's over.

Yes.

But I've got to see Miss Peaches again, Tim.

Talk to her and have her to dinner and don't look so bewildered. I'm in

control. Oh, sure. Just like when you were talking Martian.

I spoke?

Mm -hmm. You sounded just like Alvin the Chipmunk.

Well, I think in my native tongue, and I just didn't bother to translate.

In any case, your fears are unfounded. I'm not suffering.

I feel wonderful.

Just like I did at A.

Don't push your luck.

Tell me, Tim.

Why was her picture in front of that building? And why did she have on that

costume?

Oh!

Well... You see, we... You... You mean you've

never... Up there, they don't have...

Well, that's interesting.

You see, we... We have an art form in which bits of clothing

are removed during rhythmic dance.

I'll have to include that in my book.

It's worth a footnote.

Tim, would you do me a favor?

I've always been intimidated by artists.

Would you be kind enough to ask Miss Peaches if she will have dinner with me?

Uncle Martin, I am your friend.

Please, Tim, I'd rather not do it myself.

Absolutely no.

Now, the first thing I'd like to get squared away is my name.

It's Ria.

My daddy was the comic of a cell block.

He was a guard.

Tell me, have you ever interviewed an ecthesiast before?

Actually, no.

No. I didn't think so.

Relax. I'm a very human being.

Yes, I can see that. I didn't realize that.

Did you know that the word ecthesiast was coined by a newspaper man?

No, I didn't.

I'm a fond of little scraps of knowledge like that.

My problem is putting them together.

Any hobbies?

Reading. Every afternoon in the park.

I'm concurrently wading through Roger the Therese's book.

Do you have any pet peeves?

Dishonesty.

Maybe it's an occupational hazard, but nobody tells me the truth.

I can get lied to about things like the time.

See what I mean?

I've got three minutes easy, and it makes a difference.

Those wings are drafty.

Miss Anne Cream, I have an uncle who'd very much like to have dinner with you

tonight. Boy, are you a disappointment.

No, really. I'm not asking for myself. It's my Uncle Martin. He's a very nice

person.

Where would the dinner be?

Your apartment?

Yeah. Oh, he lives there, too.

You see, he would have asked himself, but, well, he's a very shy guy.

He's shy?

Uh -huh.

I like shy men.

They're so reticent. And I meet so few.

Then you'll come?

Okay. But if you've just got a bunch of etchings you want me to look at... Hey,

kids, I'm stage.

call me about the details later.

Even if you're lying, the uncle bit is kind of a cute pitch.

Wait a minute. The flag's not up.

Effective windshield wipers.

Oh, now, come on. This is California. It hasn't rained here in nine months.

It's about due, isn't it?

Well, I never thought that I would be the victim of police brutality.

You got a press sticker? If you don't like the way I run my beat, write an

editorial.

Now, wait a minute. Is there something personal in that?

I thought you'd never ask.

What'd I do?

Look, playboy, I'm not a bachelor by choice. Peaches and I almost... Peaches?

You got her pretty shook up, but don't count me out.

I can get these by the gross.

He was the first lover in history with a rival from outer space.

Surely I'm not losing control.

Of course not.

All the same, I'd better be on guard.

Uncle Martin.

Miss Anne Cream, may I present my Uncle Martin.

How do you do?

I'm so glad you could come.

You didn't tell me he was a foreigner.

Well, he watches the late show a lot.

Well, I think I just better be going.

Good night.

Good

night.

Marty, you haven't touched a thing. Do you feel all right?

Wonderful. As a little girl, I was taught to clean my plate.

I had to eat everything because other kids were starving.

I never did figure out how that would help them.

But as you can see, the habit persisted.

I'm delighted you had a good time.

Tell me more about yourself.

Well,

my big goal in life is to have my own TV exercise show.

Oh, I imagine you'd be very good at that.

You seem to be quite supple.

Well, it's really a public service.

As it is now, whole sets of muscles are being neglected.

But first I want to write a book.

I already have a great title.

Life is just one great big runway.

Something about aviation?

Marty, I like you.

You have a wonderful sense of humor.

But I hardly know anything about you.

Oh, well, I'm writing a book, too.

Oh, good.

What kind?

What's it about?

Oh, it's about people like you and me.

In some circles, I suppose it would be considered science fiction.

I love a star.

You know, without them, we'd have no astrology.

Peaches, I wonder if I could see you again sometime.

My horoscope says we'll be...

Seeing a great deal of each other.

Tell me, of which of my routines do you like the best?

I'm afraid I've never seen you perform.

Really, Marty?

Well, you're the first man who's ever asked me out before.

Oh, but I'll make up for it.

From now on, I'll be in the front row at every performance.

Oh, please don't.

That'd spoil everything.

Shall we keep it this way?

Could you?

I'll never know what I'm missing, but you have my promise.

Thank you.

Is that your cat?

Already?

Marty, I've had a very nice evening.

Not half as nice as mine.

Marty, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was hearing bells.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin, what are you doing standing around in the dark?

Waiting for you, Tim.

You're the only real friend I have on Earth.

Would you do us the honor of being best man?

Oh, sure, I'd be glad to.

Best man?

Isn't it wonderful? I've lost control.

You've lost your mind. I'm in love, deeply in love. So am I, but I don't

get married.

I know Felicia will understand.

Do you mean you're already married?

No, no, Felicia's my sister, and I know she'll love peaches.

Oh, Uncle Martin, come down to Earth. Now be reasonable.

You are a Martian. I see no reason why a mixed marriage can't work.

But not you and Peaches.

You are an anthropologist, and she is a peeler. Do I detect a note of snobbery?

Well, perhaps so, but the point still remains that you have nothing in common.

We're both writing books.

Even if you were one of us, that combination just wouldn't work.

Forget what Peaches does. I love her for what she is. But your world's apart!

And by this I mean it just isn't fair to her. She has everything to gain. She

has a bright, quick mind, and I can help her realize her potential.

Look how much you've improved since I've been around.

But Pygmalion didn't marry the girl. He had no confidence.

Uncle Martin, how can a guy become such a romantic in one day?

I was born romantic.

Did you know that we have two moons and that one of them rises and sets three

times a day?

There's romance for you. Why, I'll show Peaches the wonders of the universe.

The Aurora Borealis up close.

Star clusters and galaxies that she's never dreamed of.

We'll honeymoon in the Big Dipper.

Incidentally, her horoscope says that I'm very good for her. Are you going to

tell Peaches that you're a Martian? Hmm?

Are you going to tell Peaches that you are a Martian?

Well, there I'll follow the Earthian pattern.

Doesn't the husband always tell the wife after the marriage that they've been

fired?

Uncle Martin.

It's unfair.

Now, aren't you people always saying that all's fair in love and war?

Well, Mars is a war planet.

Hello, Marty.

Hello, Peaches.

Please forgive me if I do this wrong.

But... Before you say anything more, I have a confession to make about last

night. There's no need, really.

I'll remember this day all my life, so I want it to be right.

You see, I liked you almost from the very first.

And I wanted to make a good impression on you.

You did more than that.

But not with the truth.

I thought about a book, but I'll never...

I mean... Well, I'm no Gypsy Rose Lee.

She can spell anything.

So can I.

We'll collaborate.

And my own TV exercise show is a pipe dream, too.

Cameras scare me.

I even freeze up for snapshots.

There. I feel better now that I've been honest.

Peaches.

You make me feel very ashamed.

There were things that I wasn't going to tell you.

You're out of work.

That too.

What I have to say to you may seem fantastic, bizarre, incredible.

Only, only trust me.

You're giving me goosebumps.

Where to begin?

Actually, I'm not really Tim's uncle.

You mean one of those adoption situations?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

You see, I'm really from Mars.

And when my saucer crashed, Tim found me.

I can show you the saucer.

It's at home in the garage.

I'll bet it's still right under the cup.

I don't expect to know all about your past.

I've got a couple of skeletons myself.

But it's all true.

Marty, I love your sense of humor, but... Well, enough's enough.

The truth is essential to our whole future relationship.

But I'll settle for a little thing.

Where were you born?

Why that?

Well, I've only been proposed to once before and...

And he told me six different places.

The translation is Canal Fulton.

Canal Fulton, Ohio?

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

I played there for 16 weeks once. It's a lovely town.

Peaches.

Canal Fulton, Mars.

Marty, don't horse around.

You're going to spoil everything.

Now, don't do it.

Don't. Hey, is this guy bothering you, Peaches?

Yes, just the way you did. Only he's got more imagination.

I thought it was a guy with a sports car.

You two guys ought to form a club.

Peaches, I want you to marry me. I asked her first. So solve a crime.

I know I told you I was born in Denver. And then I forgot and said I was born in

Boston. Some honest cop you are. My daddy turned over in his grave. I don't

where I was born.

I was brought up in an orphanage.

But now you know.

Well, now we're getting somewhere, Marty.

Which canal, Fulton?

The one you didn't play.

Goodbye, Marty.

Do you want to walk back to the theater with me?

Goodbye.

You and Dolores had another fight?

She is impossible.

Tim, I'm afraid I've never given you Earth men enough credit.

That's what I've been trying to tell you all the time. It takes a real talent to

understand an Earth woman.

You know what makes me miserable?

What? This stuff.

I'm hooked on it.

You know something, Tim?

I don't think I'll ever be able to face another Peach.